Starting chemo August 2014
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cassie, Yayy, sugar plum fairy! I can hear the music in head, how was it?
Hope all are doing okay today. Goin grocery shopping soon, decided not to cook so much today, already the freeze is full and my SIL is cookin more! Was invited out last night but declined, felt ok physically but low energy in the mental realm. Just could not muster the energy to be a sociable gal, you know? Like I really would have had to fake it, so as not to bring everyone down. Loaded up my ebay store instead.
Good so far with antibody tx, no SE except tired at night. Hope it continues, it surely beats taxotere
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Cassie= I am 13 days post chemo. I have gained 6 pounds just in this week from fluid retention. Since starting chemo I am 9 pounds up in weight. Since I have practically not eaten in 4 months I am hoping this all comes off. Started my lasix again this am. My left foot is much more swollen than my right. My thighs touch when I walk and my calves hurt from the skin being stretched. Not a pretty sight. My eyes are super teary today. So, the SE jusy keep on coming. Oh,about 75% of what I eat taste like metal. You daughter is GREAT!
Bippy=Best of luck. Will be thinking of you. Look at this as a new chapter in your life. Also,I always say I can take that off my bucket list. Cancer =Check did that. BXM Check did that. Keep positive. You can DO IT!!!!
Justamy=Hope you are feeling well with minimal SE
Gatomal+ Hope you have worked it out with your IL's. I hate that your husband is put in the middle. He has enough on his plate.
I probably forgot others. Did not mean too. I have chemo brain. I swear. My speech is all messed up and I remember NOTHING!!! Oh,except that I have CANCER!!!!
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I had such a good day yesterday. Friends and family came out to support DD and she had a great show! So proud!!! One more today in her other roles, and then tomorrow one last chemo for me.
Little girls wanted to have their picture taken with her!
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SO CUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!LOVE THE PICTURE!!!!!!!!!
Good luck tomorrow. Congratulations on last chemo. YEAH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Cassie awesome picture! Congratulations! And good luck tomorrow.
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just beautiful ballerina and admirers! Good luck with that last chemo. Love to all.
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Beautiful picture Cassie! Love the admirers
. Congrats on the performance and the awesome support you and your DD had. Good luck tomorrow and YaY! on the last chemo.- Angie
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Warning: this is not a happy post
OK I have no one that understands and I don't even get it but I have been so stinkin sad for the past two days that I can't stand it. I am clinically depressed and on disability for it and anxiety and ADHD. I take meds for it all. I have no reason to be sad but I cry all the time and just want the pain to be over. I don't want to die...I'm just so tired of feeling sick and tired. I've had D bad for like 11 days this time...bone and muscle oan and I am so tired. My family thinks I'm overreacting but I don't care. I can't stop the pain in my stomach telling me it all sucks and won't get better....I know in my head, but my emotions are overwhelming. I don't know what to do and I hate unloading on you guys but I know someone will understand. Thanks for listening.... amy
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justamy= Sorry about your situation. I know there is no snap easy answer when you are dealing with depression. Just a thought = have you considered a local support group for breast cancer survivors? I have found in the past support groups to be extremely helpful and they get it. I have learned trough this journey that unless you have dealt first hand with cancer and especially chemo you have NO IDEA what it is like. Best of luck. Try to find one thing you like to do and do it. Get a message,go for a walk,buy a new lipstick. Whatever,just try and find something that makes you happy even for a few minutes
Feelings are like clouds. They come and they go. They don't last forever. You will feel better.
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Justamy - I'm sorry you feel so down. The SEs from chemo test us all, and you have had a hard time with them. I give you so much credit for getting thru them as well as you have been. Hang in there ! This is going to end soon. It may not seem like it while going thru it, but yes it will....how many more treatments do you have left? We are here for you and know you can tell us how you are feeling. Cancer sucks! Chemo sucks! We are kicking cancers butt, although it may seem it's kicking ours right now. We are putting ourselves thru this horrible crap so that we can go on afterwards. It stinks, but it is going to end very soon. It's been 3 weeks since my last treatment. I am slowly getting back to feeling normal. With everything, it takes time. 2015 is going to be a great year for us to begin again. Stay strong and hang in there. You aren't alone!
Cathie
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Hi justamy, so sorry you're having such a hard time. As eileenpg and Cathie said, you're not alone. Please come here everytime you need to vent. You said you take meds for that but, have you considered talking to a psychotherapist? That may also help sort things out. In the article about Depression from our main site you'll learn more on helping yourself when you feel depressed, managing depression, and more.
Let us know how you're doing. ((BIG HUGS))
The Mods
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Not so down this morning. Thanks everyone for your advice. Someone suggested I see a therapist for these feelings. I just wanted to let you know that i do. I see a therapist and a psychitrist(sp). It does help but sometimes I just feel dark still. I know it will be Ok. I only have 1 treatment left on Dec 26th. I'll just have to hold on till then. Thanks again. Amy
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Amy, Being debilatated physically can exacerbate depression. The big D alone nearly did me in, and I cannot imagine what is is like for you with all your medical complications. There were times when I felt like I could not continue, but you have to try to just hold on.....can the doc change the meds for GI? can you change your diet to help? Maybe you already have tried....i know how that is. I have found too that crying and beating things (a pillow, or dishes I then sell on ebay) helps. Even our loved ones feel helpless. I know you are a woman of faith, can your pastor help?
This is hard, so hard. I am thinking of you and want you out on the other side, after tx, and feeling better. I know once your physical symptoms improve, your mental ones will also. I promise. Do not give up. We need you! Hugs & love
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Amy, glad today is better. It is okay, we all are having degrees of it. Vent here anytime, we support you!
I myself am better today, getting weirdly calmer as Wednesday BMX approaches. I confess, to coming from a looooong line of poor, shack living, coal mining, hollers of West Virginia white trash. Though I do not live that way, and distanced myself years ago from my very large, very non birth control using, substance abusing, trailer living, resource sucking fam. However, you should know that blood is still the same and therefore, I am very difficult to kill. Hillbillies are like cockroaches in that respect. It is a known fact that West Virginia hillbillies are at the very top of the white trash hierarchy. Finally, my biggest shame has become my proudest moment. Oh, also my dads side is hardy german farmers, so.....add in short, stout and beer loving. Winning combo my friends!
Giggles aside, i am doing final preps and getting rested. Going to hospital soon to do all the paperwork and then just enjoying my last few days with the boobs. Gettin more ebay stuff to list when feelin better after deboobing.
I hope all my chemo peeps are okay today!
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hi all...
Justamy I'm glad you feel better now and get some help for your depression. If you do still have some, talk to your doctor you may need medications. Support group will be a great help too. Don't be hesitant to vent in here, we do understand....I don't have my period for 2 months now, I'm 37. I told my MO and he told me that chemo kinda 'burn' my ovaries. I'm triple positive too.
Cassie, loveeeeeee the picture!!! I know the feeling for the people stories . Oh my there are many family gatherings from thanksgiving till Christmas (many birthdays in the family in December). I still 'look' normal for them, some come to talk and want to ask many things. I just cut the stories short and said 'I'm fine, thanks. How about you?' I don't even say any 'cancer' words to the 'try to be nice' people. I do tell about my chemo in details to the ones who really care, checking me all the time and you can tell they are sincere.
Bippy, the hillbillies story is hilarious. Lol. DH will talk like one to cheer me up sometimes. The metallic taste is almost gone. I do really hope to eat a chicken biryani and spicy creamy Tom yum soup before the surgery. Nom nom nom. How are you on Herceptin and Perjeta only? Perjeta really kicked my GI tract bad.
Ladyb, I do have many crazy dreams lately, probably anxious for my surgery.
Strong enough my nails look like yours. White stripes horizontally on 4 fingers but black stripes vertically on the thumbs. I saw black spots at the bottoms of my toenails now. Boobs pictures ideas sound good. I saw a picture of a lady after her BMX. Well, my picture won't be perfect with my stretch marks and muffin top though. Lol. This picture was posted on breast cancer group on Facebook .
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I'm so sorry for anyone who is depressed but it is not abnormal under the circumstances. There was such much screaming in my house with my 16 year old and 20 year old that I popped 2 zanax last night and now I can't even function and my vision is so bad. Anyone ever had this happen? I'm 8 weeks into Taxol and Herceptin. Thanks and have a good day
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April. I take klonopin which is another benzo like xanex. It can definitely leave you very sleepy and drugged feeling if you take too much but it should wear off soon. My vision is really bad some days...esp in the morning. This is common but usually corrects itself after chemo. Anxiety is as bad as depression for me and the tro usually go hand in hand. I hope you feel better soon. Hugs Amy
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Eileen, I asked for itemized bills for my cancer policy. Oh my, Taxotere $2500 , Carboplatin $600 , Herceptin $ 12,000, plus saline plus pre meds , one chemo TCH costs $16,813.48 !!! The insurance paid most of it, I have met my deductibles after one chemo and port placement. Lordy!! My family insurance is about $350 a month. Cancer policy is $16/ two weeks, it's been helpful paying my deductibles. I hope the surgery will be done before January the 1st. I didn't get any Neulasta shot during 6 rounds of TCH and 3 rounds of Perjeta or else it will be a bigger bills.
Kellogg , I'm triple positive too. I may remove my ovaries when I'm done with Herceptin. I will be on Taxotere for 5 years if I don't remove them and MO will switch to another drug (forgot the name) if I remove them. He told me even without my ovaries are out my fat tissues will still produce hormones. Not good news!!
Catie57, I do plan to be a volunteer in the cancer center , run more 5ks or be more active in the really of life or cancer support group when I get through this. A volunteer in the center is a breast cancer survivor and she gave me helpful hints for each journey. Getting supports from a survivor means a lot !! I am interested to learn how to sew again, will make port pillows and scarves and give to cancer centers. Many local churches around the center donate the scarves, sock head, port pillows, armpit pillows to the center, made by the volunteers. Even the drawings from the local schools we get on our lunch tray make our days at the center..:-)
Beatmom, have fun in Las Vegas. I see your dx, you did BMX for stage 1 and the cancer came back after 2 years with stage 4.im already at stage 3 to start with :-( ... Did you have Perjeta, Herceptin and radiation on the first dx?
Hope everybody has manageable SEs. Stay strong ladies. Hugs to you all
Shirley
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Bippy, as for white trash...I have lived in rural...very rural MO my whole life and currently live 30 min from the Arkansas border...I think we're prob pretty much tied in the white trash dept...heck we're prob related... Lol
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Amy lol, I LOVE the country is the thing! i would love to live on some acreage, with hills and streams.......maybe in my post cancer life. And in a trailer! Haha, a new one though. Never been to Missouri but would love to see it someday.
Today at registration, they took blood and did an ekg. All systems go! They gave me the special soap to use presurgery. I am looking forward to getting it done. Packing my bag and bringing minimal items. Cooking tonight and tomorrow, casserole kinda stuff. Not freakin out at all, just waiting for Wednesday. Oh they told me I could take a xanax the am of surgery, in fact they encourage it, so that is good. Taping my fav tv shows and movies. I am making a few casseroles tonight.
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Amy, please vent all you need to here. I think chemo has been particularly rough for you, and to have that on top of everything else? You are a rock star.
I am pleased to report that I am done with chemo! Last infusion ended about an hour ago. Woo hoo!!! Yeah, a full year of Herceptin, surgery and radiation, tamoxifen or something else to address the ER+/PR+, but I am DONE WITH CHEMO. I hate chemo, but chemo hated my cancer even more. So it's all good. I was a mess yesterday and this morning, crying and angry, but now I just feel happy and relieved.
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Cassiecat+ YEAH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Done. and well done. Love the picture
pangitor+ The billing is crazy for this stuff. Who makes up these costs?
Justamy=Glad you are feeling better. Stay well and try and stay positive. This journey SUCKS!!!! It is hard to keep it together.
Bippy= I love your white trash. I always say I am Baltimore trash. I have a really thick Baltimore accent. Yeah Hon!!! Also, I am a super JAP (Jewish American Princess). You can't kill us. We will bitch you to death.
What is the difference between a pit bull and a Jewish mother. The pit bull will eventually let go.
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CassieCat, YaY!, Happy dance for you! Love the picture and you look so happy!
Bippy, you are hilarious! Love your story. You are in my thoughts constantly over the last few days and your preparation for surgery. I am happy to hear that you are ready "getting calmer" and that all your systems are a go and ready for Wednesday.
Amy, I am so glad you are feeling better today. I know what you mean even though there are the medicines, therpaist, etc -- there are just those times were it is just dark. It is then that I have to know me and how to pull myself out of what I call "my dark hole". I have to say this journey has made that "process" a lot harder as the physical does not help my emotional state sometime. But it is doable as I have learned that it will be OK, but it is a process of pulling myself up and out and adjusting my sails. This journey has definitely made that challenging with all they physical and emotional ups and downs that chemo, hormonal changes, side effects, etc add and this journey sucks and one that we didn't ask to be a participant. The medicines, therapist, are a must but at times I found that I have other methods to compliement and pull myself out through prayer, and either use writing (which it me talking to myself and encouraging myself at the same time), meditation, massage or yoga which I have started during this journey as the Cancer center offers a class once a week. Yoga gives me that quiet time I need. Sometimes it is just a good night sleep which is hard to come by these days during treatment. I don't use them all at once but have an arsenal to pull from depending on how I am really feeling. But it sounds like you are feeling much better this morning and I am so glad. Thinking of you and (((big hugs))).
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Eileenpg and CassieCat,
I am one bloated sister like you girls! When will this end! Just like you Eileen I have packed on even more pounds after this last chemo and have now gained a total of 10lbs. My start weight was already 12 pounds over my weight I feel best
The pounds are really depressing me. I have been eating normal calories throughout and after my last chemo which was on 11/25. I have not been exercising however so I suspect (and my MO thinks so as well) that the weight gain is partially real fat. However, I am sure there is at least 5 pounds of water weight there as my legs are thicker than usual and my feet are so swollen that I don't see my ankle bones. My hands also feel tight when I try to make a fist.
Are you girls doing anything or know of anything that can help get rid of this? I went on the fitness threads and it was not very promising. I also still am short of breath when I walk a couple of blocks so have not started working out. My surgery is this Friday so I suspect it will be at least 2 more weeks till I make it to the gym.
I wish I wasn't upset about something appearance related but it really puts me down, well combined with all the other things we are going through.
Bippy- good luck with your surgery on Wednesday. I am getting a bit nervous about mine which is scheduled for Friday. Just had my pre surgery tests done today. I hope your time at the hospital will be minimal and you will recover fast.
I hope everyone is doing great, take care ladies.
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Wingirl=Docetaxel appears to induce an initial enhancement of fluid filtration followed by a capillary protein leakage that leads to edema formation. That is the reason for your edema. I worked out the entire time I was on chemo. Walked 4 miles 4 days a week. Only 2 weeks could I only walk 2 times. Ate very little. SE of metal taste was horrible. Still have it. My MO put me on Lasix(diuretic). I take it when I am uncomfortable. Usually,3 to 4 days. May need it longer since I have finished last chemo 2 weeks ago. Someone saw me today who has not seen me in 2 months Could not believe how thin I was from the waist up. My feet are now so swollen my sneakers gave me blisters on the top of my toes. I wear bedroom slippers at work. So,I was emailed my someone that it takes 8 to 12 weeks to shed from body. So,give it time. For you to have gain 10 lbs you would have had to eaten a lot during chemo. Also,if you are having surgery forget this weight. Your body will adjust afterwards. Just eat healthy.
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i have gained 12 lbs in one week! And that's a week I was throwing up everything in sight. I lost 9 the next week. I think I gained 10 last week. My MO says it's water too. My clothes never fit differently so I'm not worried. Gotta kick cancer's butt...then I'll worry if there is extra weight.
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Cassiecat - CONGRATS! Done with chemo, awesome....
Bipsy - Thinking about you today and through your next journey tmrw....
Justamy - Yes, you are kicking cancers butt, and you are almost finished with chemo too. Hang Strong!
Wind girl - The weight gain and loss seems to be going around. Hope you are feeling better today.
Pangtidor - Thank goodness we have Insurance. Those prices are insane. That's why they are able to build these huge cancer facilities I suspect.
LadyB - Hope you are doing well thru these last treatments. Think about you often.
Gatamol - How are you doing?
Going for my tattoo for rads tmrw (wed), then start my rads on Thurs. My eyes aren't running as much, so that's a good thing. Actually had my first glass of wine with dinner the other night. Haven't drank in 6 mos. The holidays seem to be coming so quickly. I did all my shopping online this year. Wasn't sure if I would be up for stores. Invited up to Vermont for New Years Eve. Feeling good right now, so going for it. My DH really needs to get out a little. He has been my rock, but lately seems to be breaking down himself. I think being around his brothers will help.
Wishing everyone minimal SEs and a Happy Holiday season.
Cathie
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Cassie, your smile says it all!!! I am so so,glad you are done with that chit. welcome back from zombieland! In about 10 days you will feel GOOD again, maybe sooner. Wooohooo!
Ha, the weight. I should have lost tons, as I barely could ever eat, and with the big D, but instead stayed the same despite walking alot. At least I did not gain any. Weird. After surgery I am getting serious about diet and walking....I need to lose about 30 pounds.
Did you guys know that we cannot donate organs now! That is what I was told yesterday, due to chemo. Another awful SE. Makes you wonder how compromised they must be. Can we ever donate blood I wonder?
A few people have made stupid, bizarre comments to me in the last few days and I let them go vs. my standard of aggressively educating them. One wanted to know HOW they were gonna cut my breasts and shared that they used to stich us up "like frankenstein". Another said well of course you are upset, that is your "womanhood". Really? I have just decided that people are stooopid and after it is over, I will be very, very careful who I share anything with. It actually amused me rather than horrify me, so maybe I am making progress. I had no figs to give either one! Good gawd I really just want them never to say such things to anyone else. Maybe that is a good retort, "I can take your stunningly idiotic comments. however, not everyone is like me, so just promise me you will never let such an insensitive horrible thing to anyone else." Or maybe I could just punch the stoooopid out of them instead.
Well, back to preps today, if I can post after in hospital I will. Will be home Thursday though! Thinkin of writing a funny note on my boobs for the BS, like hey nice seein you doc...what are ya doin with that scalpel!!
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Bippy, I love your sense of humor. If only we could punch out the stipids! Oh well. In the end God will take care of it all. Praying for Him to guide the hands of the surgeon and all staff involved in the operatoion. Also for recovery room staff and for an easy fairly pain free recovery. Please use all recommended pain med both post surg and at home. Being superwoman brave isn't the way to go here. If you need pain meds please ask. Love, Jean. PS My sister, a nurse, told me pain meds wotk best if you take them BEFORE the pain gets difficult.
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i have my surgery today. Nervous.
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