Starting chemo August 2014
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so WW3 tonight with my mother-in-law. Husband was explaining how the c section is set for Jan 5 and she and her husband were then trying to make plans to visit in Jan. We live in a 2 bedroom /1 bath apartment in the city. My mother is sleeping with the twin girls in their room as it is, and bathroom time is a challenge with three adults. Now imagine two toddlers, two newborns and six adults ( me, husband, mother, mother/father in law, babysitter in daytime to help) in a small apartment while I am recovering from c section, possible breast surgery the week after (drains, etc) or starting up taxol again three weeks after c section.
MIL was hysterical, cussing with anger, at how we're keeping her away from her grandkids, and treating them like guests instead of helpers. The reality is they do not help and if they do, it's like making dinner with lots of pots and letting my mother clear the plates and clean the pots while MIL sits.
Doesn't the cancer patient have the right to control access to her home until she is ready to have visitors? I do not want to go through surgery or chemo SEs with an audience.
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Yes you have every right to control access! I didn't even want a crowd w I had my c section. You need peace during your healing and the rest of your chemo. If someone (your mom or whoever) actually helps and you want them there... Then have them, but it has to be up to you and it has to bring peace not chaos. Be good to yourself. Hugs, Amy
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Gatomal: Husband needs to step up to the plate...of course you do need to think of your needs and the babies first. They can stay in a hotel if they want to see the babies when new....and come back when your parents need to go home. You are going to need lots of help. Just having twins is overwhelming amount of work....and add to it whatever else you are facing.
He needs to explain what they can do to help you and how much help they can be at this very important time.
Do not feel guilty at all! Promise us you wont!
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Yes peace, not chaos. Good motto. Lots of chaos created tonight. Sad. They do stay in a hotel but have had problems with boundaries, I.e. Please come at 8:30 when the kids are done eating and breakfast service is over. The. They show up at 7:45 and want coffee and make food in the small kitchen, when I'm trying to get breakfast for husband, kids, done. Then they don't leave until 9,10 pm. Just not very grandkids oriented. Last time they saw the kids eat breakfast, then sat around the table doing crosswords all afternoon.
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Gatomal= I think the best solution is DON'T ANSWER THE DOOR!! Scream out WE GAVE AT THE OFFICE!! Maybe they will go away,
I never had IL's but if they insist give them a job. Tell you MIL to clean the kitchen if she ask what she can do. Polish silver. Maybe if they have to work they will leave. GOOD LICK
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Gatomal, don't you dare have them cause chaos. Hubby needs to deal with them and not get you involved at all. If they want to see the grandkids, hubby can drop them off at their hotel for breakfast then they can take care of them for the day! They can see the new babies at the hospital then later when they are allowed to go out, hubby can take them for a visit. You need to make your total focus on doing whatever you need to do to get better. Their forcing themselves on you is outrageous. Love, Jean
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oh boy, Gatomal you have a challenge there. Sounds similar to lots of ILs I came across in my old work. And theydo not change, only worsen with age. Narcissism has no age limit, and your poor DH had to grow up with that. It makes it difficult for him to take a stand against them, but not impossible. How does he feel about their behaviour? They sound ghastly. I agree that he needs to fully support you. Sometimes things like this are a catalyst for change, and sometimes ILs need to be cut off when they are toxic. I wish you peace with all this. I like Eileens idea!
Bippy is undergoing many metamorphases. It will be only about 8 weeks and all tx except herceptin and pill will be done. Reconstruction way down the road, perhaps even a year away. But inbetween I will be ready to work again! My friend kindly informed me that I needed to let go of my old job and anger. She is right....so I did. I declare, NO MORE FAMILY LAW! Just knowing I will not do it anymore is so freeing. It is so high stress and unrewarding work.I really find criminal law fascinating and would love to do that. Lots of choices for me, I am very talented and an excellent assistant
. So another day feelin great and better. Got the tree lit up and just enjoying life, drinkin coffee and watchin the tube. Goin out later to ebay source, it is really going well. I have been loadin the freez with soups and meals for post surgery ease. It is such a treat to feel well and to be able to function. I will never take my health for granted again.
Minimal SEs all, hope all are doing well today
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Gatomal-I am soo sorry you have to deal with that !! I agree tell your husband to handle it!! You focus all your energy on delivering healthy babies and kicking cancer s ass!
We also live in a small space 2 beds one bath all visitors r staying in hotels.. m
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thanks for everyone's great advice and support. Thank you thank you. Yes, it seems like the worst behavior gets worse with age. I do understand that they want to see the babies and they will, but just when we are ready. I've found in this time we only have room for our problems and emotions, so we're pushing everything else aside for now. We've made it to 32 weeks, an important milestone, and I have my last taxol for a while Wed.
Nurseshark...hope you are settling in with your new bundle and getting some rest. The first two months are rough until they get big enough to have bigger stomachs and eat more, which makes them sleep more.
Bippy...you are right on, and must have seen lots of the worst in family law. Tough business. As long as we have days in front of us, there is hope, and with hope, we can do whatever we choose to do with our lives. Good luck to you!
Good solutions Jean, frankly, I wouldn't trust them not swatting my 2.5 yo twins right now. We are deep in the Terrible twos and two at the same time mean lots of squabbles. My father in law already called one a pill when she wouldn't take her bottle, when she was two MONTHS old. A pill! Isn't that hilarious to call an infant a pill?
It so great to have other warriors chime in right now, I can't thank you enough!
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Gatomal, I agree with the others! You should get to have the environment you want and need.
Bippy, good for you! I love your attitude.
Thanks for the comments on DD's photo. I am so proud of her and the young woman that she is growing into. I can't let cancer take away a single day of enjoying watching her grow up. I'm sure I'll be crying, watching her dance this week.
Today I made a pasta dish to bake up later. It's brown rice pasta with wilted kale and spinach that is sauteed in some garlic and onion, and then topped with mozzarella and parmesan. It's ready to go when we get home from the theater tonight, and I hope it's good! I'm going to bake some soft Christmas sugar cookies today, too, with red and green sprinkles in them.
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Got a nice surprise in my work in-box this morning... A $25 reward from my boss with a printable certificate, saying in part, "I know this year has been a tough one for you, but you always seem to persevere and get the job done. I lack the expertise in data analysis, and would not be able to perform my duties without you. I am very lucky to be able to work with you. Thank you." She hasn't even been my boss for very long, 3 months maybe, after the last one moved on to a better job and the one before that got laid off... 3rd boss I've had in a year or so. I've been very lucky that they are all so understanding and supportive.
Also, my birthday is coming up on Saturday, and my mom transferred my gift into my checking account early! I have to say, 48 is a year I will be glad to see the back of and I hope the screen door hits it on the way out! Looking forward to a great year 49 and a healthy 2015! I first discovered my lump on 12/30/2013, so the entire year has been taken up with BC. I'm happy to be wrapping up the treatment phase with a neat bow right before Christmas. Tamoxifen (or something else) will continue for 5 years, and have yet to decide on reconstruction, but I consider those things maintenance.
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StrongEnough, what an awesome manager especially not being in the position for long. I hope you have something special planned for your BDay!
Bippy, I like that metamorphoses -- I have to use that in one of my blogs. You were in Family Law, that is a tough one. I know you have seen a lot of things most of us would say, huumm. I say let it go, let it go -- in my Elza singing voice. I am with you even though we are going through this journey I told my husband yesterday I want to enjoy life and when my metamorphoses is done NO ONE who didn't walk with me during this journey will recognize me. LoL. Like Cassie said, I love your attitude. Learn so much on how to handle just everyday life through this thread :-).
Gatomal, They shall be in a hotel, not come over until after 9:00am, leave at a descent hour that is set by you. They will be given things to do if they come over during the day to support you -- help out by lending a hand -- cleaning up, cooking dinner, running errands, or what ever is on your to-do list that you want them to assist with. And if it iis nothing then they should not come with attitude but with gratitude and a smile and no zingers and be glad that you let them into your humble abode! PERIOD. My MIL (who is 80) comes over and she is just wonderful she helps (even when I say I can do it myself), she cooks, picks up, keeps me company, etc. Although I have to say I at times feel guilty that she does so much when she is over because of her age but she says I am here for you. Love her to pieces. Wishing you the best and that boundaries are drawn with your ILs.
-Hugs to All
-Angie
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Gatamol - Ditto on what LadyB said, and Beaton. If they insist on being around, boundaries and responsibilities. This is not a TV show that they can sit back and just watch....I personally have a very out spoken and depressing MIL and limit my time with her. I find small doses best. Lol
Bipsy - I know this is a difficult time for you and you are on next phase with surgery. I had a lumpectomy but after having my mamo/ultrasound the other day, realized, every year I will be holding my breathe wondering if it's back.
Met with my MO yesterday about hormone prohibitors. Recommended an IV treatment every six months for 3 yrs to help with bone density. Also scheduled me for X-ray for bone density test. I think my life will be Dr visits for quite a while.
Hope everyone is holding strong and wishing minimal SEs.
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today I get another MUGA to make sure I can continue Herceptin. First tx of Herceptin alone is Friday, and also, I may be gettin Perjeta too. Got to check with onco to see if my insurance approves it. She said since I recieved it neo, I can get it after surgery as well. Anyone else gettin both?
Hahaha, Let it go, let it go! Love it.
Cassie, i missed tellin you how beautiful your girl is, and candid pics are the best! I bet you cannot wait till performance. How you feelin today?
Countin down till 12/17, goodbye party for my boobs. Ok so far but I know a wall of despair will hit after, lwhen I see my scars first time. It will feel odd to be flat, even though I am only a b cup. Well.......nothing for it really. I just hope all I am doing will be enough. Sighs, we never have a guaranty, do we? At least we have a chance.
I listed ebay stuff like mad last night, so fun! My new thing is vintage dishes and tea cups, they are lovely and sell nicely. It keeps me sane and busy
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Thanks Bippy. I liked the juxtaposition of her pretty costume with the mundane task of sewing ribbon and elastic on to shoes. I'm feeling pretty good, overall. I wear a Fitbit and can track steps, calories burned, sleep quality, etc. If I even get 5000 steps then I know the day was fairly good and active. Lately, I haven't been getting there, but i have the past 3 days, which is encouraging. I don't want to overdo things and have my ankles swell up even more, but on the other hand I don't want to sit around doing nothing!
I meet with my surgeon this morning to hopefully get better idea of just what he'll be doing. I know we're talking MX but I also want to find out how much lymph node involvement the surgery will have. I really don't know what to expect there. I'm nervous about it.
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Im on day 5 after 7/8 tx of chemo. I am really not feeling too bad! Way better than the past two treatments of taxatore. A little bone pain and some D but so far controllable with lomotil. I'm hoping this will continue but I will enjoy it while it's here...funny how feeling just kinda crappy is good news...lol...
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Justamy I know what you mean! On days I feel really good, it's still a relative feeling. But we just appreciate any of the good now, right? And that's ok.
I had a good meeting with my surgeon and we have a tentative surgery date of January 9th. Still a MX, and he'll need to take out just a few of the lower lymph nodes. One incision and one drain, and it should be relatively easy i terms of recovery. I've had four abdominal surgeries with incisions that run vertically, and he said those were much harder to recover from compared to what I'll experience with the MX. So that is encouraging. They showed me a sample camisole and gave me two local stored to check out for post-MX camisoles and whatnot. They're very nice there. They're also working to schedule my PET/CT for the 29th of this month, and then an ultrasound and mamm as well. I'm so ready to be done!
My DH and I walked to and from the appointment (it's a little over half a mile each way) and it felt good to get out and walk in the sun. I've got a couple of errands to run today. I'm feeling encouraged, and I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
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amy and cassie, awesome that you are both feeling better today!
I had my MUGA and am sure it is fine. Nice tech, isn't it wonderful when we get caring staff? I have been lucky so far. My emotions are catchin up to me today. Just.....ugh, damn, I am getting my breasts removed! Next week! Willingly! Huh?! It just seems so....drastic. But then I remember oh yeah, I have a life threatening disease and uhm, i kinda have to! Okay, I guess I am trying to escape the distress.....but like they say, resistance is futile. Knowing it sucks does not change it and the more I struggle the worse I feel. Maybe I need to give in and feel the full horror, but that will not strike till after tx....hahahahaha, so I will have plenty of time to grieve and be upset.
Sorry to be debbie downer, I so admire the ladies that go flat and that are happy with that decision. I hope I can be brave as they are. It sounds so dumb of me, I mean, it is not like I need them or showcase them. So why am I freakin out?
Anyhoo, it is where I am tonight. I am visiting a friend tomorrow and we are going to scout homes in communities, as she is movin back in the spring. I look forward to seeing her and she will cheer me up. Hope you all are doing good, thanks for listening
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Bippy, you are never a downer! You are experiencing totally normal feelings and it does suck that we have to get rid of our boobs. They are part of who we see ourselves to be as women. I'm going to have to bid mine farewell in February and the closer I get, the harder it is. Forget losing my breasts for a moment.Just the pain of the surgery is bad enough. There is no way around it...BC sucks and so does losing our breasts, BUT we will get through it together and we will eventually be OK! Hugs Amy
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Hugs bippy. I was thinking of taking a pic before surgery, even though I think that may be strange. I don't have a lot of pics of my naked boobs, but it may be good to look back on them. I wish I took a picture of my belly before the horrible stretch marks I got in the past few weeks. It's sad to say goodbye. Everything sucks about this diagnosis. Everything.
You can keep your personal growth and gratitude,cancer. I already had that stuff covered.
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Bippy you're not a downer. It's hard, so hard. I had my surgery first and I had implants immediately. Surgery wasn't too bad. Recovery was long but I've heard that's mostly because I had my implants put in immediately. I am still a little swollen under my arms. I go see my PS on Thursday but all the doctors this week said my reconstruction looks amazing. I just kind of smile and say thanks. I think in still coming to terms with all this and I don't know what to say. BC sucks and losing your breasts is hard. Good luck and we are all thinking about you.
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amy, Gatomal and Kellogg, thanks for the boost, it has helped me greatly. Yesterday was a bad day for emotions. Had trouble sleeping, but I am sure everyone is nervous about surgery. I will be okay! 7 more days....then it is just another challenge...it aint chemo, so that is good.
Speaking of, your finish dates are comin up, all those still doin it! Please tell me you all will be done by christmas. It would be nice to start the new year without it. Amy, your tx takes longer, are you every week?
Hope everyone is okay today, no SEs. I am layin low and feathering my nest
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Cassie and Bippy .... We are anxious about the surgery. I look at the forum about the surgery and find the list. The volunteer at a center, a survivor keeps on telling me to get the camicasole with the drain pocket, will be handy so the drain lines will not be pulled out. She used her old bra and clip the drains in. We will have to get zip up or buttoned shirts/PJ. I will do double mastectomy with removal of all my lymph nodes at the left side. Reconstruction surgeries will be too much to think for now so I will delay it. Bippy I got Perjeta before surgery, onco don't plan to continue after the surgery. The chemo works really well, I may have to force him to continue Perjeta. Let me know how the insurance works with it. I saw the itemized bill and Herceptin alone cost almost 12,000 !!!! I haven't got the Perjeta bill, I started on my 4th round. I suppose to call the surgeon next week to set up the date.
Justamy, I'm glad the SE are manageable this time . The journey had been rough on you.
Cassie what a beautiful daughter you have. I do enjoy seeing all her nutcracker pics.
Kellogg thank you for the post surgery info.
Oh Bippy I can't wait to pig out in the Thai restaurant after this done. Coconut milk really turns my tummy now though the coconut water tastes great anytime...
Gatomal, I hope the WW3 ended up well now...:-( many MILs have hard time accepting they are not in charge on everything anymore.
Hope everybody has manageable SE. Stay strong ladies. Hugs to you all
Shirley
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Bippy I agree - not a downer at all! I can't tell you how many times you've brought a smile to my face. You're authentic - I love that. And all of this still sucks, no matter how much we try to be brave and strong.
No plans for Perjeta for me after Monday, just Herceptin. I have my PET/CT scheduled now for the 29th, and a mammogram and ultrasound on the 30th. Everything's coming together, and I hope, hope, hope for 100% clear scans. I think I'll need another echo/ecg at some point too, but I'm not sure when. I had one done after round 3, I think, and my EF was unchanged at that point.
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I had a weird interaction with a stranger today. She saw me in my hat and asked if I had had chemo. I said yes, and she said she had too, and had finished in April. Also BC. But then she started telling me how her first doctor gave her the wrong chemo and was going to give it to her in 6 doses when 4 was the protocol, and how she switched her treatment to a new location. It shouldn't bother me, but for some reason it did. She had a lot of anger in her, and I think I was feeling that. Between that, and a lot of things that went wrong last night at rehearsal, and reading a long update from work to get me up to speed on some things, I'm feeling kind of down and unsettled today. I dreamed last night that I lost my wedding ring, and I had terrible insomnia too. I'm kind of a mess today! Ugh.
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I am sitting for #6 of 12. Had a insomniac night last night. Didn't get to sleep until after 3 and up by 8 to get to my 9:30am appointment. Glad the centre is less than 20 mins from me. Will need to get a sleeping aid as the PMs are not working anymore. Also getting a lot of brown spots which they say is typical in darker pigmentation skin.
Bippy, big hugs to you and to ditto what everyone else has said uou are not a downer. I like that we can be transparent her and not be judged, get support and most of all responses on others experiences. We are here for you and you for us. Good luck and thinking about you over the next 7 days as you prepare for the next big step in this journey and will be praying for your surgery and recovery. This is a part of the journey I won't get to experience, either a lumpectomy or mastectomy, as there was no primary tumor find with my BC only cancer in the lump nodes.
I am thinking of all of you that will be going into surgery soon.
Justamy, so glad the SEs are manageable this round.
Catie, how are you doing PFC?
Cassie, how are rehearsals going? I can't wait to see pictures of your daughter's performance in the nutcracker. We are proud of your daughter too :-).
Bippy, mouthwatering again with your food descriptions. I also frequent allreciepes.com. Let me know some of your favorites there.
Gatomal, how are things at home? When are your ILs arriving to visit. Are you ready for the rain storm that is going to pass through our area tomorrow - Saturday. I am going to try and stay off the roads as us Californians don't know how to adapt to the rain. Always so many wrecks and traffic is horrendous.
Terri1975, DonnaNJ, Oceanbreaze, Wizard, Mullerin, Hope, Thinkpink, Jetgal, purrrrana, Beatmon, windgirl: a shout out to each of you. Let us know how you are doing.
Hope everybody has manageable SE or adjusting to PFC life. Hugs to you all
-Angie
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Cassie, wow that is a different interaction for her to show so much anger in a first encounter. Hope today gets better for you and hope tonight's rehearsal goes much smoother. I am having strong emotional feelings today and not sure why. Maybe since I didn't get much sleep. I also had very weird dreams last night that I am really trying to forget. Not sure where I am emotionally today, it is not anger, just ugghhh.
-Angie
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waiting for my last taxol before delivery later today. Dealing w horrible SEs today. GI probs, cramping. Took two Imodium so I could make it through my MO appt.
I aldo had a baby monitoring appt tomorrow called a non stress test. But the weather is supposed to be so bad in the Bay Area ( right lady b?) I moved it to Fri. So weird to think of taking a chemo break for a while. Hope the tumor doesn't get bigger, and surg is put off until after chemo is done for good.
I think there is always a lot of anger w a cancer Dx. We are able to use these boards as an outlet, some folks may not have an outlet. Try and almost physically push others' anger away, especially strangers' anger. We have to marshall our strength and resources for our healing and recovery. Say a prayer for others that they can find an outlet or peace, but remember, while in the battle especially, we need only care about ourselves. You all help me with that! It's okay for us to be number 1 in our own lives for a while.
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Bippy= I am thinking of you and counting down with you. Hope all the best for your surgery. Just remember those girls were trying to kill you. Time to let them go and say goodbye.
Gatomal. Hope you worked it out with you IL's. I hate drama and confrontation. Send the twins over to their hotel. That will keep them busy!
Cassiecat=I absolutley refuse to let people tell me a down story. It does not good for me or for them. I now stop them. Usually, I come back and ask them if they want to know a story about my job. As soon as I say Hospice nurse they fly. I am not popular at parties. Good luck to your beautiful daughter.
Day post 9 chemo. I can actually taste a little. OMG That metal mouth is SO deblilitating. Stiil have edema in legs and ankles. MY BF is out of town so I'm on my own for dinner. Think I will play it safe and make eggs. He bought me a pan to cook in with expliate instructions. Or go to the store and get sliced turkey. I can handle that.
Lady B = I have spots too. I think they are age spots or that is what I am telling myself. After chemo I feel old. Today is the first day I actually feel ok. What a joy. I never sleep at night. Mexican Jumping Bean. Sleep for 2 hours then up for 2. I am now use to it. Hard on work days. I just go in super early and let the night nurse leave. She loves me now.
Pangidor=neulasta is $5325.00 per shot and chemo is $6000.00. Crazy prices. I had to change insurance to lower my deductable. This BC is super expensive. I should have skip this adventure and gone to Europe for 6 months.
God luck all. Wishing everyone the best.
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for anyone thinking of taking pix of their breasts before saying goodbye, I highly recommend it. Before my mx I stumbled on a blog that suggested it, and I'm glad I took the idea. She also suggested making a real point of noticing how they FEEL. (Not how they feel to the touch, but rather how you experience their sensations, if that makes sense. ) This sounds weird, but you may be surprised; afterward, you can kind of conjure it up. It is no substitute, of course, but somehow it seems to help.
So I am 5.5 weeks PFTaxol and losing the rest of my lashes as my head and body hair is finally starting to come back. White fuzz on my head. I look like an albino kiwi fruit (an improvement over my potato phase). The other day I took a mascara wand to the fuzz to make it show up, and was excited to see a lot more growth than I had realized was there.
Gatomal, I would love kick your ILs' butts for you.
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