STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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AllyBee
Sorry to hear that. It's hard enough to fight the cancer, let alone have to fight your employers for the right to work! Wishing you strength in this struggle with bureaucracy.
take care,
Amica
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Ally~ I am in remission and have had the toughest chemo out there. It sucks. It does have an accumulative effect on our bodies over a time period. One or two may not be a good judgement of the lasting problems. You couldn't pay me enough to go back to work. I just couldn't make it. Most likely they have seen this before and know that soon you will need your rest and will somehow start fighting the fatigue, and joint aches and neuropathy that comes along with it. I totally agree with going back and having to come out again. Not a good idea, it also makes them employer label, “problem" . If they have short term disability, start with that and then move into long term . Use that while immediately filing for social security Benefits at the same time. Just remember social security has a waiting period before you can collect.
Don't over extend yourself and then find yourself unable to work, if you go out on disability they have to continue paying you as long as you paid into the disability with your pay checks. It's a very hard thing to fully recover from and it takes time. At stage four things are so sensitive and there is that chance of progression we all fear. There is also a chance of many surgeries that could arise out of no where. So far for my cancer, I have had 8 surgeries. I could not work, there is just no way. Too much medication. And even after your chemo, most likely you'll be on sometime of chemo for the rest of your like if you are stage four. Oral or iV or hormonal. It's rough. Please think about it. Also, just because you don't work doesn't mean you haven't kicked a** while you were working. It doesn't take l away what you have done, now it can open up windows for things you HAVENT done. Spend time with loved ones. Travel. Enjoy the time feeling good. Because those times can also be fleeting. I am sending you a bear hug, since you have no pain and wishing you the best for your difficult decision! And yes you're in the right place. Hugs ~M~
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AllyBee-
I don't know where you live or what you do for a living. Lula73 had a good point. Some employers may be concerned about coverage if you have sporadic days off due to side effects of chemo and how you are feeling. It may put them in a bind or cost them financially.
Give yourself some time. See how the chemo goes and then continue to pursue getting clearance to go back to work. Make sure you are not spreading yourself too thin and will exhaust yourself too much. Now with this cancer diagnosis you need to think of your health and give your body a chance to fight the cancer.
My experience is the total opposite. My MO ( previous and current ) feels that one should continue to work and maintain normal activities as long as possible due to the mental issues of depression, etc. I talked with my local Social Security Office about the possibility of disability due to my diagnosis and the lady there also said to continue to work as long as I possibly can.
I have a feeling, from the words you used in your post, you are not from the USA. I guess in the USA the doctors and bureaucrats want people to continue working to have an income to afford the doctor visits and to continue having the health insurance to pay for the services and not burden the system asking for "handouts".
Remember, just because you are metastatic you are still important and I hope you can go back to work soon and get some "normalcy" back. Just take care of yourself.
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Let me share an experience i had this morning: i went to my PCP for my pre-op testing. I needed an EKG, so I forewarned the young lady that i had had a BMX and my chest looks pretty bad. Her response was:"Oh, that's okay. I had a breast reduction, so i know exactly how you feel!" Seriously....i was so dumbfounded that i just sat there while she prattled on about her perky 22 year old breasts. Yeah. That's totally like losing your breasts to freaking CANCER.
I didn't say anything at the time, but I'm going to call the PCP and have her deal with this young lady. I'm sure the girl was just trying to make conversation and mistakenly thought that we shared a common breast issue. But her comments were thoughtless and would have been hurtful to me at an earlier time in my journey.0 -
AllyBee...good advice on going on Disability. If I had gone back to work, it would have KILLED me, literally, and I mean that. I had a VERY stressful job as both the Senior Contract Administrator/Accounting Manager for a very busy construction company. I'd have to go in on weekends EVERY WEEK, just to stay caught up.
They had to hire TWO full-time people to do my job after I "retired." Boy, my boss got a great deal for YEARS by exploiting me to the max, considering he's now paying TWO people to get the job done instead of just me.
In Calif, you can get State Disability for a YEAR, and it paid almost my FULL salary (but I'd been working full-time since 1986, so of course I'd get the maximum benefit). It's very easy to apply for...you can do it on line. Hopefully, you can swing this with your employer. Some are NOT keen on employees being gone for that long. My former boss still keeps begging me to come back. (Guess the new gals just aren't gettin' it done...no attention to detail or accountability from these younger people these days. They just want to do the LEAST amount of work for the MOST amount of pay.)
Good luck, L
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mustlovepoodles...
Oh man, I agree, that is such a thoughtless insensitive statement...people can be so D-U-M-B.
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Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply, I do know that this won't be easy but I just feel I should work while I can, I'm 35 and hope I still have a few years left. My employers are more than happy for me to come back and do reduced hours if needed, I just think none of the Dr's want to be the one to sign it off, it could be the crainiotmy recovery that is scaring them more than chemo. I just wish they would sit me down and talk through their concerns so I can address them, give me a full physical exam to actual see if I have limitations. But my request just gets passed from Dr to Dr.
I'm in Australia and I would qualify for disability but it would be less than half my current wage. I would love to quit and take my family traveling but if I'm not working we won't be going out to Maccas let alone overseas haha.
It mainly a mental health issue for me, I want to be productive as long as I can, I'm not ready to give up. I miss my work colleagues and using my brain. I miss the free birthday cake in the lunch room
Edit to add I had dexamethasone with my chemo yesterday, I may have been a little roid ragey, this was just one of my many rants my husband had to listen to when I couldn't sleep last night.
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Ally~If you have a good employer. Then more power to you!! I think it's amazing that you want to continue and understand completely. Even though I am on disability I have two types. One from the federal. And one from aPrivate disability company that I paid into through working there. Still today, that company pays the difference of what i would have made, had i continued to work. It is the disability Company that makes up the difference. That's why you should take a trip down to HR to find out your options... keep being amazing!! ~M~
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Vent alert about a dream I had last night.
I've had dreams before about being told that I didn't really graduate from college and forgot to complete some classes or test some tests. And, need to go back to school.
I dreamed last night - that I didn't complete "Part 2" of chemo. In my dream - I was told that in the "fine print" of the information that they gave me when my treatment plan was made - that I was to come back in 2 years - to complete "Part 2" of my treatment plan. And, that this is for patients like me, who were "very high risk - Stage 3A or greater".
I woke up several times and wasn't sure if it was real or not. And, every time I went back to sleep - I went back to the SAME dream. Like it was continuing. This went on until the morning.
I laid in bed wondering why the nurses never told me (verbally) that I still had to complete 3 MORE months of chemo and do 3 MORE weeks of radiation. And, wondering, why I never heard of there being a "Part 2" to the garden variety treatment plan for ER+ BC.
It took me 10 minutes to realize that my brain made this up.
Why can't my brain let go????
I hate living in fear. I hate this f*cking disease.
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Ally-
It is great your employer is willing to work with you and your situation.
In America, when I looked into Disability it was 60% of my pay. I am single and I totally understand the financial aspect. I couldn't afford to go on Disability AND still have to pay for health insurance.
MAKE your docs talk with you. Call everyday. Tell them you deserve answers to your questions and an explaination to their concerns.
Never give up!!!!! Fight the cancer!!!!! Birthday cake in the lunch room sounds good also.
Keep us informed.
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DancingElizabeth I hate that! If it’s a dream I WANT to continue when I go back to sleep I never do. But dreams like that, every time! I didn’t have chemo so my dreams usually revolve around the “you’re gonna die because you didn’t have chemo” even tho my MO said that they didn’t think it was necessary for me. It’s terrifying waking up from something like that. Then try to convince yourself and your brain that it really was just a dream. (these days I’m not sleeping enough to actually dream, so there’s that)
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DancingElizabeth and TaRenee - those dreams that seem so real are the worst, you wake up a little confused and depending on the dream a little sad, angry, etc. ]
I am with you lately sleep is not my friend TaRenee. Not sure if it's too much on my mind with my step dad or what, but I wake in the middle of the night to take more melatonin to get back to sleep.
My vent is that I am angry with my step dad for leaving us too soon. I miss him and think of him often, I think the boys should tell grandpa about his he would like that or the boys should show grandpa, but they can't he's just gone. Why couldn't he have taken better care of himself so he could stay longer with us? Why didn't I make the time to spend time with him before it was too late? Why did he leave me to deal with my lying, drama seeking mother? Why can't we go back in time knowing what we know now and make changes? F!!!! When will the pain stop? I was doing good till his brothers stole from the house and brought it all back - the reality that he's gone. I picked up all his racing t-shirts, soon I will be starting a quilt with them.
Is it normal to be angry at the person who got cancer and died on us to soon?
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vampeyes-what you’re feeling is 100% normal. It’s the anger and resentment stage of grief and while it may not seem like it right now, it is a healthy part of the healing process.
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Vampeyes, yes, it is normal to be angry at the person who got cancer and died on us to soon. Maybe they could have caught it earlier, maybe they could have been treated and cured. Maybe they would still be here instead of gone.
Some cancers can't be caught early.
In either case, your step dad is still gone, and you miss him.
I think you have four overlapping issues: 1. You're angry at him for leaving too soon. 2. You're angry at yourself for not spending enough time with him. 3. You're angry at the brothers for looting his house. 4. You're angry at your mother for being a drama queen.
However, you want the pain to stop. So, what now? You cannot change 1. and 2. You can remember and treasure the good memories with your step dad. And you can learn to accept and forgive your step dad for not taking care of himself/dying and yourself for not being there more often. Some people talk to their deceased loved ones. I can talk to loved ones who have passed a while ago. I can't talk to my mother just yet, it is still too raw. I am still working on accepting that she has died. I'm making progress on that.
3. As for step dad's brothers, you have a choice in how to deal with them. Do you wish to talk to them (maybe not quite confront) and ask for step dad's possessions back? Maybe your siblings or mother might help? Maybe they were taking memories for themselves? Maybe they didn't know the value to you and your siblings and mother? Give them the opportunity to make it better. You can also decide whether it is worth asking a lawyer for help.
4. As for your drama queen mother, what relationship would you like with her now? Talk with her if possible. We have drama queens in both sides of our family.
You are at a crossroads. It reminds me of the Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.If you do not believe in God, please accept this as a blueprint for making changes within yourself:
I will learn to accept the things I cannot change,
I will find the courage to change the things I can,
And I will find the wisdom to know the difference.Best wishes, Madelyn / Mominator
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AllyBee-I have sat on both sides of this issue, as the employee going through treatment, and as the manager with employees going through treatment. I am truly trying to be helpful with my comments.
First, if your docs have written you off work, but are not keen on writing you back in, there is likely a reason. Sometimes the reason is legal with respect to disability coverage (in the US, if you are released to work with no restrictions, your disability process completely resets). Sometimes you just need to focus on yourself and your family, and getting over this (admittedly shi**y) bump in the road.
Second, if you do go back to work (and your employer sounds like they are willing, if your docs agree), ask for a trial period where both you and your employer truly evaluate your ability to do your work. Agree that you will all abide with the results of the evaluation at the end of the trial period. This is difficult for everyone, because no one (on either side) wants to hurt anyone. This Is a much better situation than going back to work full on and discovering that you can’t really do your job any more. Or worse yet, having your coworkers and managers realize that you can’t do your job ( while you think you can). That begins a long, ugly, and frankly inhumane process of documenting what you can and cannot do.
There are lots of opportunities to contribute in your community that allow the flexibility you may need during and aftertreatment. Walk dogs at the local humane society. Participate in your church or another civic group. Many of these also have free birthday cake in the break room!!
Mental health, both long and short term, is important. Please carefully consider the balance between a short and long term gains in mental health.
I thought long and hard about whether to post this or not. If I can save just one person from going down the hellish path of being shown what all the can no longer do, it was worth it.
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I was in such a rush for my CT scan appt that I didn't think to stop to give this site info for a lady who was telling another lady that she was just dxd with mbc. 😐
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There is nothing normal about this “new normal”. I’m miserable - all the time. Pain, exhaustion, lymphedema, the inability to do normal day to day things like clean the house or grocery shop - what kind of life is this? What kind of new normal? I just want to feel like myself again. I’m so angry that cancer has taken my life while I’m fighting so hard to continue living.
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Sheila~ you're not alone. I live the same way. People just don't understand. I am truly sorry for your discomfort and miserable circumstances... I walk hand in hand with you in the same experiences. Everyday. Every moment. Sending hugs across the miles.
Much love ~M~
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Shelia- Sending hugs also. Cancer sucks. It effects us in every aspect--financial, emotional, spiritual, our day to day activities, our families, our relationships. I am a different person since my diagnosis. And I have lost some friends. But we keep on keeping on.
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Sheila & Micmel - HUGS. I am so very sorry that you are going through this, cancer does suck. xxx
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Anyone else sick of those "cheery" commercials for people with cancer and the "new normal" they live with now? I'm already dreading October coming when everyone is inundated in pink everywhere you look on TV on commercials even at work I deal with it. Do you think I don't 'know this is an awful disease? Those who have died I've known with it and those who are still struggling with it. We do not need a 24 hour in our face everywhere we go.
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Yep...sick of it.
I feel like making my own little pin that says, "ALL CANCERS MATTER!"
It's insane....how many effin' years has this Pinktober crap been around? What about colon cancer, pancreatic cancer, glioblastoma brain cancers, soft tissue sarcomas, blood cancers like leukemia, lymphoma, etc.? The list goes on and on. Nobody seems to give a damn about them, unless they come down with one...then it's a different story for sure.
Yes, women have a 1 in 8 chance of getting bc in their lifetime, but when you factor in ALL cancers, we each have about a 1 in 4 or a 1 in 5 chance of getting ANY type of cancer. Two people in my church have just been Dx'd this year with new cancers, but since it's not BREAST cancer, there's no hoopla, no votive candle march, no nothing. These poor people will have to battle on by themselves and with the prayers of the congregation.
I'm NOT attending any Pinktober events this year either. I've had enuf.
Sorry to sound so bitter, but that's the way it is for me.
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Lita, I like your idea for an “All Cancers Matter" pin. It's hard to remember now, but wasn't the pink breast cancer hoopla started in the first place because women felt that breast cancer research was under funded because it is primarily a women's disease in a male centered world? (Yes, I've always been disgusted by, and kept my distance from the pink parades, but I think they have suceeded in putting breast cancer on the research map.) Maybe the emphasis should now be on eliminating the cancer causing stuff that big business puts into our environment and our food that affects both sexes and all cancers - not to mention the effects on the not-so-insignificant bottom dwellers (krill, tiny fish, etc. of the food chain that we all depend on.
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I had my DDs bridal shower yesterday. It was wonderful. Yesterday it was.. today I am reminded. “I’m dying”. Sitting in the couch watching all the people live life and laugh. I can barely taste my food... my spine hurts in one place only. Remission. Yeah ok. Then why does my body feel like it’s breaking apart ? Why do I know inside it’s a volcanic eruption waiting to unleash and then I won’t be sitting on the couch watching happiness. People say live in the moment. I tried yesterday and it was hard. Because the sadness of the fear and terror was too loud to hear anything else. I was the one with the grim reaper standing above her with his sharpened sickle. Happiness everywhere and I felt robbed and beaten. I cant find any happiness anywhere. The grief is just too loud. I’m so devastated and cancer has stolen our lives and some of our futures. I’m so damn angry and sad.0
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micmel, I know there are no words so I won't even begin to try. Sending you the biggest heartfelt hug possible.
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Oh, Micmel, my heart breaks for you. You are so important to so many people. (You were the first person to reach out to me on this site & I will never forget your kindness.) Please don't give up. Lean on us & take some of our strength until you can find your own. You can do this!
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Micmel- My thoughts and prayers are with you and all of us.
The way I try to explain my situation to others is ---- We all have watched those movies where the woman is hiding from the killer, behind cardboard boxes, etc. And the murderer is looking behind everything and saying " Susie, you may as well come out, I am going to find you." So far I have remained "hidden" but I know eventually the "killer" is going to come around the corner and get me. I try to continue living my life, enjoying happy moments. But it is hard living knowing the "killer" is around the corner, somewhere.....
This group really does truly understand.
I love you all.
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thank you ladies. Cancer turns everything upside down.
JKL~ that warms my heart thank you very much. I guess we have no chance but to move forward. It's like walking into a fire knowing you'll be burned, but you have no choice because you cannot go back. It's impossible. The road behind you Is black and burned. And as you go forward more more, you're exposed to debris flying ashes blinding lights and painful feet and breathing labored because of polluted air. You are stuck. It's a torture to live this way, although in ways we are all dying. My issue is I can see it slowly taking me. My issue is I know it's happening. I always wanted to go fast and swift without pain or in my sleep dreaming of my sweet husbands smile and kisses. Instead my worst fear came true. I have cancer, not only cancer but stage four cancer. At least no one can say I don't do things right.
I'm trying everyday. I am getting tired along the way. Blood work soon. Then Onc visit. I honestly hate all of that so much. Grrrr thanks for The kind words. ~M~
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The cherry commercials annoy the piss outta me. Where I’m different is that I personally am grateful for the breast cancer recognition, as I have experienced people who think BC is “no big deal”. I think it’s opened a lot of eyes. And pink happens to be one of my favorite colors. I proudly wear my breast cancer and survivor shirts. I will always consider myself a survivor as I continue to live and survive each day. The only thing I think people say to me that is offensive is the “stay positive” bullshit. Questions don’t bother me, and I don’t mind educating anyone who wants or needs it. However, I don’t like having to be the one who makes everyone else feel better about my diagnosis and I absolutely abhor people who compare their aches and pains to mine.
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Micmel, time slowed as I read your post. Every single word, clear and precise, like a bullet , went right into my heart and out the other side. You describe so well that exquisite pain that a cancer diagnosis brings. We are alive ... except that we have a pretty good chance of being dead. And that is the first thing on our mind every morning, last on our mind every night and the first thing we think when you get an ache, bruise or feel tired.
I have gained some solid wisdom from this site. I wish I could remember who said to wait two weeks. Have a pain? Write it down. If it's still there in 2 weeks, deal with it. If it's not, then it wasn't important. I am having pain in my boob for days now and I instantly go to the Black Thoughts. But then I remember the two week rule and think yup, that was good advice.
Or when the bad thoughts get too bad I say to myself, yes, I have real reason to be worried. But RIGHT NOW in THIS DAY, I am here and alive, so pay attention to this cup of coffee, this conversation, this ripe tomato I am putting in your mouth. I might die from this, but not today. That was another piece of wisdom I read hear on BCO.
But Micmel, I do know that weird feeling of being there, but not there. Separated. Like I am a distant spectator in my own life. Already gone in a sense, taken away by the terror of being taken away. It is a strange, strange thing and if there is a name for it, I don't know it. It's like you become a shadow. Hugs to you, my friend.
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