STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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Stop already. Put me on ignore or be kind like the other poster was responding to me. Not saying anyone here is at that point, but in case..
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myboobstriedtokillme: my deepest condolences on the recent death of your mother. It takes time to process that loss. Sometimes something would remind me of my mother and it would overwhelm me with grief all over again.
Take care of yourself,
Mominator
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It is hard. I have to try and find an apartment on a low income but no one wants to rent from me. I own my home but cannot afford the mortgage payments. Not sure what is going to happen. I am scared.
Mominator, thank you for your kind words. I miss her a lot.
Rosabella, create a thread or read through some where help is needed. I agree with trying to help, you just need to find the right audience. Think of it like me posting on threads where people are afraid their cancer will come back, that would scare people since I am stage 4. Good luck, you have good ideas. Look in active topics where it is more appropriate to help. We have this simply to dump our toxic stress out.
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The way I see it. Maybe rosabella was venting in her own way. I don’t take things personally ever. Vent and leave it. That’s what I do, this thread is for venting. Venting can be sadness or fear or even fear for others. I have experienced several times that I am at my wits end and my bottle of pills looks so good. Maybe just then I’d read rosabellas post and maybe I’d think twice about that direction. Maybe I would think thank you sister for caring and trying to change my thoughts and direction when I may be alone. Or not thinking clearly.
We don’t need to use caps at each other. Only cancer to me deserves those . I don’t even care what stage you are fear is real . Everyone is entitled to their opinions. And she shouldn’t have to start her own thread to vent in her own way. If you don’t agree don’t read it. Just let it go. Why I come here is for no judgement, just support. I don’t expect someone to point out anything in my venting mannerisms, if you want to support me I welcome that and love you for it. If you don’t. I can respect that. But cancer is mean enough in my opinion. Respect for you all !
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Thank you Micmel. ❤You explained it very well. And no one deserves angry caps on this board.
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Don't get me wrong, ladies...I'm no saint. There are days when I want to curse everyone with the malocchio (Italian curse).
Sometimes my DD and DH drive me effing CRAZY. These moments usually come when I'm on steroids, and I have to go stand in the corner and breathe deeply until I calm down. Just because I "try" to find joy in my life, doesn't mean it's easy. I'm in a lot of pain today, and had to take pain meds, which I HATE to do, because I still have to take down the rest of the Christmas decorations. One foot in front of the other, as they say.
I still rant when I have to. My latest rant is these frivolous lawsuits regarding Taxotere (hair loss...everybody knows you'll lose your hair on Taxol and Taxotere, says it right in the list of SE's) and Johnson & Johnson's baby powder. I called up the law firms and gave them a piece of my mind. Frickin' AMBULANCE CHASERS!
So, who the hell do WE get to sue for our metastatic breast cancer? Somebody better PAY US for all our pain and suffering!
If people are getting "pay outs" for losing their hair and getting ovarian cancer from "talc," which I find totally far fetched because the PATH the powder would have to take to go up the vagina, thru the cervix, up into the uterus, then climbing up the fallopian tubes and FINALLY into the ovaries. Plus, it would have to take a whole LOT OF POWDER to give you a hefty dose of cancer.
I'm still pretty pissed about this. You get what you get. Everyone's going to die some day. DH just told me about that young Food Network judge (age 29) who just passed away from bone cancer. Who does HER family get to sue?
L
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Rosabella~ you have supported me many times. My motto is. You have my back, I have yours.
I wanted to mention what an amazing woman Lita really is. I am also stage four, she's amazing a real miracle and every time I read her way of looking at things. I do really pause and think, that I should shut my face. And stop complaining about my spinal pain. Or any pain for that matter. Lita, you really are special. The way you share your cooking ideas and your sewing talents. No matter how you feel. I know that I need to adopt that mannerism and fight harder maybe. I'm certainly trying. ! Your writing skills. Just wonderful
~M~
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I am so depressed. My mom passed recently and all I can wish for is progression so I can go too. I am on disability so no one will rent to me, low income housing is several years away. I feel so down that I wish I could just disappear. Cant stop crying, no one to talk to.
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Lita you have been fighting this battle strongly. Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Myboobs so sorry about your mom. Moms are special.
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myboobs...you have my condolences. I lost my mom to cancer when I was in high school. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her. Altho we had our differences at times, I still miss her.
As BCincolorado said, "Moms are special." And we only get one.
L
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Myboobs, I am so sorry about your mother. I lost mine just a year ago and it was so hard to go through the rest of last year without her. Sending you hugs. Is there any chance you could find another cancer patient to share housing with? Is there a social worker at your medical facility who could help?
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I will see my social worker on Monday. I have a wonderful older brother and wife who came and talked me off the ledge. I also called a mental health number when my thoughts turned so dark as to wanting progression. That scared me. The mental health people suggested calling my family. They came over and we all sat and talked. I was also stressed because I told a verbally abusive younger brother he would not hear from me again. His wife came on the text claiming we limited his time with Mom. Meanwhile for the last few years he and his wife could not be bothered visiting at all. What a joker he is. I will not allow them to verbally abuse me anymore. So now I only have one brother instead of two. In the end, I am better off without him and his twofaced wife. She is mean as a rattlesnake and they have no qualms about abusing cancer patients. He may read this later but I don't mind. He does not deserve any respect.
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Lita57:
It's crazy how the law/courts work isn't it? I've experienced two events which have severely impacted my life. The first one, no one disputed the fact that I had a case but my lawyers didn't want to take it to court because there are caps on the damages you can get from a public institution. The second one is my cancer misdiagnosis. My state caps non economic damages in medical malpractice cases at $250,000. Voters enacted the cap over two decades ago in an effort to curb the rising cost of health care because it was being blamed on the high cost of malpractice insurance for doctors, but the cost of health care continued to rise despite the cap. A four day stay in the local hospital here is about $150,000.
I don't understand how baby powder can get all the way up there either.
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Well I'm officially unemployed now. I've been away from work for 8 months during treatment so I'm not surprised but I'm not very happy with the way I found out. I just got a notice that my work e-mail was going to be deactivated and had to call tech support to find out why. It was probably a system thing where my "contract" just wasn't renewed because they did not know when I would be back rather than a termination but it's still a little jarring.
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Venting.
There is a solid body of evidence that shows there is NO CORRELATION between positive attitude and disease outcome. In other words, the push for people to be positive is just another stress placed on them at a time when they have had a mountain of stress dumped on them already. The belief that attitude can affect outcome is dead wrong and lays blame at the feet of the person who gets more cancer or dies from the disease, cause they obviously got the 'positive attitude' part wrong. They could have been positive. They could have cured and controlled their cancer by controlling their outlook and perspective, but they didn't, and they died, stupid them.
I am certain that me bouncing around the house making like I don't have cancer, don't have lymphedema, don't have fear about the future, will make it better for everyone else. Their comfort level will certainly be improved if I stuff my anxieties and sorrow in a sock. I mean, what's my job on this planet if not to make sure everyone else is comfortable at my expense?
There has to be a CLEAR distinction made between feeling lousy and carrying on anyway and feeling lousy and laying down in the track and waiting for the train to come. To me, it has nothing to do with attitude and everything to do with fortitude. But these two things get confused all the time. We believe that we have to decide to 'feel good' cause it's the only way we can carry on. Bullshit. You can feel like hell and still put one foot in front of the other. You can feel like hell and NOT let those feelings define your actions. You can feel like hell and get on with the mundane tasks of living anyway. How you FEEL does not have to determine what you DO. So to the assertion that the way I'm feeling is no way to live ... look around. My life LOOKS the same. I get up and go through the same motions as I did before because that's what life demands. Who cares how I'm feeling? I have risen above how I'm feeling and PUSH myself to get on with it anyway. To me, THAT is the ultimate success in cancer - not how you feel going forward, but that we go forward no matter how we feel ! It's a Herculean effort and the only other people who can possibly understand are the people reading this post. Cancer is not just a physical disease but a mental and spiritual jolt handed to us humans who do not, in this culture / society contemplate our own death very often. When we receive that memo: "hey, you there, guess what, you're going to die" it tends to fluck us up a little. Or a lot.
Changing my perspective on having cancer doesn't make me unhave it. Can't deny it away, can't positive it away, can't perspective it away. All I can do is look at it, well here you are, you ugly lump of shit, but I guess you're mine to bear, and then I must BEAR IT. How I feel is NOT the major issue. How I PROCEED is what matters. Some days that proceeding gets tiring, so I come here to vent about it. When I'm not here venting about it, I am carrying on, no matter how I feel.
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Well said runor.
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as always, well said. Precious friend !
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of course it doesn't runor. I don't think anyone here said that. But looking at life as glass half full rather than half empty does help the psyche. One thing I learned in Occupational Therapy school in working with disabled people, especially children. They seem to handle their disabilities and chronic illnesses better than adults. That's always fascinated me. They keep the hope. It was depressing field though rewarding.
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of course it doesn't runor. I don't think anyone here said that. But looking at life as glass half full rather than half empty does help the psyche. One thing I learned in Occupational Therapy school in working with disabled people, especially children. They seem to handle their disabilities and chronic illnesses better than adults. That's always fascinated me. They keep the hope. It was depressing field though rewarding.
And venting is heathy.
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Runor,
I feel for you when you express your grief and sadness. Most of us have walked through those dark days. In the dark of night...2:00 am...things can look pretty bleak. There are days that I just have to grieve this cancer experience. The loss of innocence and belief that I was healthy. Then BAM..out of no where “you have cancer.” The only place I share is on here. Sometimes I just want to share or vent without someone trying to cheer me up or say, “you are over your cancer don’t even think about it.” I would love to not think about it. But I feel what I feel. I have a supportive husband, family and friends but I don’t always want to share my grief with them. It helps so much to have this community of breast cancer sisters who completely understand.
Runor, I don’t worry about you because you don’t stay in this dark place. You keep it real. Your next post could have me rolling on the floor with laughter. I do send you hugs and prayers and I do look forward to your humor when you are up to sharing it with us
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Runor...you make me laugh. I do t know if you meant to be funny but I bust out laughing at ‘you ugly lump of shit’ probably relating way too much to this. Got married recently so tons of family around and everyone has been saying I look and act great so I’ll be just fine! Attitude doesn’t equal outcome or onset. I didn’t think myself into cancer and can’t think or feel my way out. Plus they have no idea how much medicine it takes to be a semblance of a normal person and of course I’d want be feel ok for this particular event! People....
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I really dont understand why venting is looked upon as bad. I'm tired if people telling us to be positive. While it may assist in the overall process, not everyone is there yet. It is not helpful to keep trying to get people to think positive. This a steam room for anger. We vent. Please stop trying to turn it into a think positive thread. I find it rude and condescending.
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I really dont understand why venting is looked upon as bad. I'm tired if people telling us to be positive. While it may assist in the overall process, not everyone is there yet. It is not helpful to keep trying to get people to think positive. This a steam room for anger. We vent. Please stop trying to turn it into a think positive thread. I find it rude and condescending. We were not born having cancer, of course our attitude will be different than being born with a disability. Children do tend to be more resilient as well.
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Here it is the 3rd weekend in a row that I have swollen face and hands and brain fog. and tired. Not sleep tired .. body tired. I really hate the brain fog things take so much longer to do. I feel so sluggish and like I'm mentally in outer space. My lips are also numb which feels really really weird. I feel like I want to quit my treatments because of how I feel right now but I also know I only have 4 more weeks of taxol left. I've had to go on breathing treatments because the taxol is making me feel breathless but that's probably because my RBC count is getting low and I'm anemic!! CRAP!!
Why are we and why am I slowly killing my body to kill this damned cancer?? OMG I feel like crap and i really hate how i feel!! I just want to feel 'normal' right now and not have to say i feel 'chemo sick' to DH & DD so they understand I'm not sick sick. Chemo sick ... jeez says it all.
Normally I'm not in a bad place but when my body fights against me I stumble.
I have to schedule a meeting with my BS and the PS soon for my mastectomy and I'm so scared of that meeting. I'm not even sure how I want to do this next part... probably would be better if it wasn't so foggy in my little chemo brain.
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nanette7fl:
With 1 month left, you are in the home stretch! You can do this. The anemia can really make it feel like the world is crushing you but it will pass. I had 6 doses of taxotere and carboplatin every 3 to 4 weeks. I had it marked on my calender when I would start feeling better after the last infusion and when food would taste good again. It was something to look forward to.
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Runor--
YES,YES,YES !!!!! At diagnosis, my onc said to stay positive. My sister has said, " Forget about it for a while." It does add stress to feel like I have to be 'Up' all the time. And that I am wrong if I feel down or sad. I feel like I am supposed to paint a smile on my face and go on as if nothing has changed. It has changed----finances, health, future plans, emotional, spiritual, relationships. All aspects of life have been affected. This has changed me.
FORTITUDE, YES !!!! We keep on keeping on. I am not curled up in the corner in the fetal position. I continue to work, manage a household, talk to friends.
Nanette- My prayers are with you. Just hold on.
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I prefer to be pessimistic. I would rather have pleasant surprises than unpleasant ones.
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Bah humbug!!!! Oh wait ..... Sorry wrong season. Welcome to winter my Sisters.... Hang in0
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Ha, WC3! I am the same. Well, not pessimistic as in general outlook on life, but pessimistic when it comes to people. I always expect them to do the worst. That way, when they don't, I'm pleasantly surprised. If they do, well, no disappointment there, as that is what I was expecting.
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Anticipate the worst, but hope for the best.
Works for me.
L
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