STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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Bot funny at all. Everyone should know that you need to stay home with bad colds anyway. Spreading germs to anyone who is facing immune issues is vain to think you are indpensible it does not matter who else gets sick They need a wake up call.
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what a Dick
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YOU MUST REPORT HIS BEHAVIOR TO YOUR HR DEPT IMMEDIATELY!
His behavior, especially the walking by and taunting you with "fake" coughing constitutes harassment, and he should know better.
Write his ass up! That's what I would do.
L
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Good suggestion Lita!!!
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Jenkins00: my first thought was the same as Lita’s: report him to HR!
He is as bad as the playground bully, except he is in a position of power, which makes him even worse. That is no way for a director to treat one of his subordinates. Unacceptable. He should be written up, fined, and possibly fired!!!!
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Yep. HR that moron.
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Jenkins00:
It sounds like HR needs to have a talk with him. Cancer is a disability covered by the ADA and you have a right to not be harassed or bullied.
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Jenkins-- I agree with the others. WRITE HIM UP AS HARASSMENT TO A PERSON WITH A DISABILITY !!!!! This is no joke as you could become quite sick, not only miss a chemo treatment. I work with some people that have made snide remarks about me washing down the desk, phone, etc in the cold/flu season. I never reported them, maybe I should have. But it was a remark in passing not repeated harassment. Let us know what happens and hold firm to your convictions.
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I would absolutely follow through with a complaint to HR. Shame on him. As a manager, he should definitely know better. His behavior does border on harrassment, especially the fake coughing when he passes by you. If you let this go, he will know that he can get away with anything simply because he's your boss. Go get him! And keep us posted!
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Jenkins, I understand how difficult it is to alienate your boss. This is a person who has a big impact on your work life. You have to go to work every day and see them and interact with them. He controls things about your job. Very important. How about a private conversation where you explain how he made you feel and just how serious your health situation is? He almost sounds like one of those second graders who likes a girl in his class and teases her to let her know. Very immature, of course, but maybe a teaching moment. You said you had a good relationship with him otherwise so maybe worth hanging on to just for your work sanity. I understand if you don't want to go to HR. But if you do, go get'm.
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Jenkins - It always amazes me - how - utterly insensitive people are about cancer. I know this sounds *bad* - but - anyone belittling a person who has or had cancer - ought to get it themselves. Because that's the *only* way they could feel our pain. And, it's damn cruel of them to act like juvenile bullies.
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I have a VENT today. My sister and I got into a big texting fight. She told me that she's tired of hearing me "whine" about cancer. And, that I should be "grateful" for being alive. Right.
She *knows* how High Risk I am for recurrence. She knows that.
Where the fuck does she have to nerve to tell *me* how to feel? She's never had cancer and has NO clue how it feels - to NOT EVEN BE ABLE TO PLAN AHEAD because this can come back and kill me.
Sure - I am active and totally able to do things. BUT. That's how I am - FOR NOW. I know - this will come back - and kill me. But, then maybe not. It's hard - not knowing how to view your life. It's a nightmare.
NO-one other than - ourselves - can possibly fathom this real nightmare.
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Jenkins - the most likely reason a male in a Director position, so I am assuming 40 plus has had radiation is prostate, skin or colon cancer, money on the first. And IF he has had his pelvis irradiated he may carry around some loss.
If he has bronchitis and truly it is non contagious - what is it?
Really if its not a bacteria, virus or parasite 😳😉, WHY is he coughing and should he look into it rather than bother you with his childish bravado.
I know I am wicked. Lita's response is sensible. Jaycee is wise and kind.
My guess is that he is working through the outfall of his own treatment and you remind him of his cancer and mortality and he is acting like a shit.
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DancingElizabeth - that is really cruel. I stopped talking about it at least to people who couldn’t relate - that would be anyone who didn’t have it or hadn’t had it. It is a disease that you really have to experience to understand but it doesn’t excuse the insensitivity of some people like your sister.
Maybe she just doesn’t comprehend just how scared you are. We all know that feeling. No matter what kind of BC you/we have there are no guarantees so we are bound to this emotional roller coaster forever. I try not to dwell on the fear of a recurrence and despite being 7 years out come my annual mammogram in May I’ll go into anxiety mode.
We are here for you even your sister isn’t. Btw my sister and SIL both have BC. SIL is 10 years out and my sister was 4 years out when she had a local recurrence.
Diane
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DancingElizabeth - that is really cruel. I stopped talking about it at least to people who couldn't relate - that would be anyone who didn't have it or hadn't had it. It is a disease that you really have to experience to understand but it doesn't excuse the insensitivity of some people like your sister.
Maybe she just doesn't comprehend just how scared you are. We all know that feeling. No matter what kind of BC you/we have there are no guarantees so we are bound to this emotional roller coaster forever. I try not to dwell on the fear of a recurrence and despite being 7 years out come my annual mammogram in May I'll go into anxiety mode.
We are here for you even your sister isn't. Btw my sister and SIL both have BC. SIL is 10 years out and my sister was 4 years out when she had a local recurrence.
Diane
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Dancing Elizabeth, I am sorry to hear about your fight with your sister. It is really difficult when people who did not go through cancer try to tell us how to feel after the fact. Of course you are feeling fearful of recurrence. This is what I call the sword of Damocles hanging over our heads. Treatment and surgery and radiation can leave us all with a good case of PTSD among other things. The best thing you can do for yourself is to stop trying to make your sister understand. Some people just cannot understand and never will. Talk to others who understand your fears, whether here or if you have a social worker or other family. Stay in contact with her if you can but don't talk about the cancer if you get along otherwise. If she keeps on you about how to react, ask her to knock it off. Sometimes people just cannot understand and in her own way she might be trying to help, but it just hurts instead. Change the people you interact with regarding cancer. Speak here where we can understand how you feel, a social worker or support group. If you can have a relationship with her outside of the cancer, this would be ideal but if she cannot stop bringing up how you should be and if it causes undue stress, you have to decide if you need some distance.
I had a similar issue with a younger brother and his wife. They told my older brother they do not believe I am sick and am gaming the system since I live on disability. They have no empathy and don't care if I live or die. He also resents me because he thinks I caused my mother to go into debt before she died. I realized that he and his wife would be happy for me to be out of their lives and I cannot deal with the stress. The last time I texted them, I told them they would not hear from me again. They said whatever. That told me everything I needed to know. I have not had contact with him or his horrible wife. I am moving and they will NOT know where I am living. When the time comes for me to die (I am terminal), he will not be informed of anything until AFTER I die. He has emotionally and verbally abused me from childhood and I will not allow that to happen on my deathbed. He will be glad when I am dead.
I hope you never have to make the same decision about your sister, it would be sad. Hopefully, avoiding a topic that is a sore point to her and you will allow you to have a better relationship about other things. Just make sure to get a good support network around you. Good luck. I wish you and your sister the best.
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i think the text wording from your sis is insensitive. Maybe that's her way of saying you need to live each day like it could be your last, which is what everyone should do. Any one of us can go tomorrow in an accident. I cut out people in my life who make my anxiety worse. Those people have no clue about any of my personal stuff. Best thing i did.
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DancingElizabeth, that was shitty what your sister said to you. I know that it begins to feel like support was a temporary thing and if you need it longer than someone wanted to give it, well you're just being a pain in the ass. Like getting over this was supposed to happen on someone else's schedule and if it doesn't, well boo for you. I admit to keeping things more and more to myself for the very reason that you described, a feeling that I like to call Alone and Scared As Hell.
I feel a deep sorrow. So deep. So sad. It's true what they say, ignorance is bliss. I could have lived the rest of my life not knowing I was going to die. We all know it, but none of us KNOW it, until we know it, and then it messes us up. And who can you tell? Who can you share this with? Not that you expect anyone to cure you. You know that's not how this goes. But a safe space between friends where you can lay your burden on the table and say, oh my god, I get so tired carrying that around day after day. They can't lift it up for you, but they can make room for you to set it down for a few minutes. But few are the people who are strong enough to sit with you and witness your burden. If you find those people, the ones that are okay with the reality, keep them.
Many people ask me how I am and I know the majority of them don't really want to know. It is a societal nicety and yes, it is nice. Then there are others who ask and what they are actually saying is, I know you're not okay, but I'm glad you're here because I love you and don't want you to die and I know that fear is a constant companion. Strange how the same question coming from different people can carry such different weight.
DancingElizabeth, what your sister said was about her. It was not about you at all. There was no room for you in any of it. She is not strong enough to just allow you to be how you need to be and feel how you need to feel and say what you need to say. It takes great strength to witness the hard things in other people's lives. I remind myself to allow suffering in others, and to sit with it and not sweep it away when it needs to be seen. I am sorry this happened to you. At least here, we all get it. Boy, do we get it!
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rumor-you are the best writer of our feelings! You have the ability to put into words exactly how I feel. I wish I could do that but I can’t.I have printed off some of your posts like this one because your words have helped me so much. You don’t even know me but you have reached out and touched me more than you will ever know. So thank you.
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Thank you all for your support! I appreciate it very much! My Director called me from home yesterday. Yes, he stayed home because of me which I did thank him for. He does have bronchitis and picked up medication. Even though he didn't come right out an apologize he did realize his error and lapse in judgement. He was very sincere so I am going to let it go THIS time. He doesn't micromanage and hasn't been a dick about my work schedule for the past 6 months.
Wildplaces - You hit it right on the nail! I had a talk with my husband and another coworker/friend yesterday. We all came to the same agreement too.
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Thank-You Everyone!! Your kind words have brought me more comfort than I could ever express...
I am SO thankful for this thread. Its the only real place I have to go - where I feel understood...
Rumor - What you said is so true, that fear is a constant companion and just this morning I was crying, because I wish that I could just have one day (in a imaginary universe) where I never had breast cancer and I was completely healthy. It would be so great to just have that be my reality - for just one day. Or for any us - to have that.
I echo what Snickersmom said - I too - have printed out some of your posts. Because - you put into WORDS what my mind is not able to do. And, that gives me a sense of relief.
Mara - I am so sorry for how your younger brother and his awful wife have treated you. There are no words. I can’t wrap my brain around how cruel people can be. Especially people who are intermediate family members, is just unreal. My sister, growing up, always put me down and made me feel sort of unwanted. I thought that we were past that as adults and I thought that we had a good relationship, and it makes me feel really unloved by her that she could say the things that she says to me... I am glad you moving away from them!!
Rosabella - Yes, I agree what she said was completely insensitive!! I think that this is just the way she’s always going to be in no matter how much I hope that she would not be this way..
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Jenkins, good compromise for now. The other people in your office should be thanking you for not having his germs still circulating. It is so important to feel comfortable at work. I worked my whole life and you spend so much time there. No reason to start unnecessary battles.
Wildplaces, I missed your post but went back to find it. Believe me, I have never been called "wise and kind" before. Thank you.
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DancingElizabeth, I'd sign up for just one hour of it. An hour of the real thing, not false sense of security brought by intensive meditation and logical thinking. An hour of real, no-pain health, not the "aaah finally the pain-killer started working I can walk now".
And we still keep going....
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I honestly don't know how you stage 4 folks do it. I don't fret over what may happen. I'm only stage 3. Not sure I'd still have a strong mind if I progress. I'm hoping my thinking at it is what it is would still hold.
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Rosabella, it's not that different. Plus, I'm not sitting around worrying about mets. I already have them. And, I wonder sometimes about the arbitrariness of the stages. I think they should not be discreet categories. It seems like more of a continuum to me. And I can just see a room full of guys (and I'm sure they were men), doctors, etc. deciding what characteristics make up each stage. Let's see. How many centimeters for stage IIB? How many positive nodes for stage IIIA? How far away is a "distant" metastasis? I mean, some of my mets are in my lungs. How far away is that from my boob? Not that far. Well, I guess with stage IV, you do this kind of thinking which I hope you don't end up doing. Cancer is really scary. Any kind, any stage, to anyone. It bothers me sometimes that the stage IV part of BCO says "stage IV ONLY." Why? Is it like that luxury car commercial that says, "look but don't touch?" Read but don't post. I assume it is ok to read. But post? That would surely wreak havoc. I better stop before I get in some kind of trouble.
Anyway, Rosabella, you and I have one reaction to our diagnosis and others (runor, etc.) have a different one. All are valid, understandable and supportable. I've said this before, but I think stage III is a really hard place to be. I commend you.
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Yeah...I agree St III is bad because it could go either way.
No, I'm not happy being St IV, but at least I don't have to wait for "the other shoe to drop." I know what I'm dealing with - there is no Stage V or Stage VI.
Of course, it's only downhill from here, ha ha
. I always pray to the Lord to shield me from unnecessary worry and anxiety because that's not going to change anything. I also ask that He replace my despair with "a reluctant" sense of peaceful acceptance as there's nothing else I can do except continue to get my infusions until they stop working...essentially kicking the can a little further down the road. My DD's friend just found out that her cancer has encapsulated her liver. Once you reach that point, we all know what happens next. If major ascites is involved, it's not gonna be fun. This young lady also has small children.
It TOTALLY SUCKS!!!
L
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Lita - I'm so sorry for your DD's friend, especially since she has small children. And you are right - cancer SUCKS bigtime no matter who it chooses and what stage it is.
Jaycee - I got a chuckle out of the visualization of the group of doctors, sitting around a big conference table, deciding what constitutes which stage, etc. But after I chuckled, I thought geesh, that's probably exactly what happened!!!
It's all damned scary. It's all cancer. It all sucks.
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I asked my friend what stage her BC was and she said her doctor didn’t believe in stages. What does that mean? I knew from the onset what Stage IV typically meant since there is no Stage V or VI. The thing is there are a lot of ladies who live long lives with Stage IV BC but the stigma attached to that stage invites all kinds of forgone conclusions.
I was DX with Stage 1b, Grade 1 IDC. I remember my first appointment with my BS’ associate and hearing her rattle off my stats asgood. Good? As compared to what? It’s still BC. Don’t get me wrong I’m relieved for now that I have reason to be optimistic according to the numbers.
There are no guarantees no matter what stage we are but we all know when it is an aggressive cancer the outlook can be more difficult to treat and manage.
I’m the poster person for worrying so in my case it wouldn’t matter what stage I was I would be in a constant state of anxiety. It gets worse when it’s time for my annual mammogram. I was 7 years out last August.
Good luck everyone!
Diane
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Everyone has heard someone say "you could be hit by a bus tomorrow" but my SIL aunt was actually hit by a car out jogging a few years ago and it killed her instantly. Sun in his eyes and he did not see her in the road running. Sad.
An old guy a church (92) had told people for years now when they ask how he is doing has just told them "you really do not want to know". Just say good morning and good to see you. Sometimes people just want honesty and kindness.
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Jaycee, what on earth do you mean that you have a different reaction than me? No one has a different reaction than me. Everyone thinks like me. That anyone might differ ... well this is news to me ! I don't know how to process this. Now I'm going to be off my food and god knows THAT'S never a good thing. THanks a lot Jaycee, you're such a big meanie!
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