STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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I will say I was blessed with a nice supportive spouse. Probably because I sat through transplant surgery and all that led up to that with him before I was ever diagnosed. He has tried to die on me 3 times since then with renal failure but I just told him he was not allowed to. Now we argue over who gets to die first. I vote for me.
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my spouse is incredibly loving and kind and my love for him is what fairy tales are made of. Sometimes I look over at him and he's tired. So tired. He really does everything. I always strive to help more and want to get out of the damn bed more. Every time I fail, I apologize. I just can't be out of bed long. The fatigue is stagggering at stage four. My DH is my best friend and I only want him to be happy. I can't see how taking care of someone the way he does can be happy. I mean I can bathe and take care of myself still. I can't travel or go out for long periods of time. I have cancer at the base of my spine. One of three places only in the bone. It's the spot by my sciatica and the end plate of my spine. It's horrifically painful at times. He never complains. He has so much to complain about, but he doesn't. He smiles and makes the things I love to eat, because he knows. He makes me laugh everyday. Smile in every way. I would give my life for this man .
It is he who has shown me what a real man is like. What a real vow means when you take them. In sickness and Inhealth sounds so far away when youre at the alter. But when the file opens and the diagnosis is handed out. That is the real test of a man. Or woman. Cancer certainly isn't gender specific. If I didn't have this beautiful man by my side I think I would have given up and died a long time ago. I love everyday to see him smile or see his beautiful blue eyes. Or see him talk to our kids. And their laughter. My beautiful family. Thatvis the reason I fight. It makes me sad that I would never need another ever. That, that is when I am diagnosed. I always said in my hearts heart. Death would be the only thing that would ever separate he and I. I belong to him. My heart knows his hearts song. It sings to me. I could die Tomorrow in his arms and that would be a beautiful way to leave this world.
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Micmel - so beautifully said. Your DH is so very lucky to have you!
My husband is great but is not demonstrative. He was raised to show no emotion at all, which is very hard for me. I'm from a bunch of huggers and even though we've been married for 37 years, it's still hard for me to not have hugs, etc. He goes to every appointment with me and I really can't complain. I just wish he would show some emotion.
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Micmel, your post brought tears to my eyes.
Snickers, my dh isn't very demonstrative either, but that's ok. He drives me to my appts and does the dishes and vacuums (but only when carpets/floors get really bad). My back hurts too much anymore to do cleaning, so I've had to lower my housekeeping standards, but once again, it's ok.
L
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Lita - I agree; my DH does laundry, cooks, does the dishes, and also does the floors when I need him to. So I am not complaining!
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I think what is most important is the human connection. I'm as neat freak as the best of them but at the end of the day if I'm in a messy house having dinner and laughing with the gang, that's what matters most. Yes a messy house drives me nuts and I have to think about my response consciously every day. Focus on what's important, after you identify what is important to you.
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Micmel, I am glad you have a true love story. You have written so beautifully of the marvelous relationship you and your husband share.
Sometimes I am sad that I have never had that. My parents weren't great either. Dh is sometimes ok, but only when things are easy. He is angry that I argued with him, and at the moment we are not talking to each other. He has been sleeping on the couch for the last few months. I realized a few months ago that sleeping next to him was ruining my sleep because he snores really loud and twitches constantly in his sleep. I think he realizes he is sleeping better on his own too, but being stuck on the couch till we finish the basement remodel is making him angry as well. It is not how I anticipated things in my life going.
The absolue best things I have out of this relationship are our daughters. They are 14 and 16. They have had to grow up seeing all of this, the good and alot of bad, which I suppose is true for most kids.
I ran through all of my savings, high deductibles and multiple surgeries, getting supplements to stay healthy and eating an organic diet. I am working a good job now, but still have very little saved, which is why i can't imagine how to split up and not be just scraping by. I am afraid to be on my own and pay all the bills, and always worry if I needed to get alternative treatments in the future, because I am never going through the horror of " traditional treatment " again..
Dh doesn't make a ton of money either, so there wouldn't be much money to share if we split up. Currently we share the bills, and I am even planning to take a trip, just the girls and I. I really try and maximize my time with my girls. They are so important to me, and I just love them to pieces.
I just wish he could be on my side, be considerate of my feelings, of the trauma of what I went through, to make it easier to live in the same household till my girls go off to college in a few years. I am not asking for much, just basic consideration.
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Mac~
Holding your hand. My husband and kids are my reason. Kids mean everything . I never thought my life would be this way either. I am sending you such good thoughts for you. I had a terrible childhood and no one paid any attention to me as a teenager, at times I realize I am lucky to even be alive. No one ever really took care of me. Lovingly. I created that on my own. I built that into my family that I made because like they say you only live once. Which is why I never settled. I’m so glad now when I was not sick, I found him. I wish everyone had their true person. Hugs my sisters. Thank you Lita.... and snickers.. it means a lot to share such deep feelings.
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Macb, I am sorry your husband is unable to be more supportive to you. Hopefully there are other family and friends to take up that mantle.
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micmel your story made me cry. Beautiful and how nice to have such loving care.
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Thanks Micmel, Myboobstriedtokillme, snickers, edwards750 for the handholding and support. I am lucky to have a few woman friends, along with my girls. Dh, like a lot of guys, wastes too much time trying to be all manly and unemotional. It's really a type of weakness, to be so afraid to feel emotions deeply. I sometimes feel sorry for him. He has boxed himself in a corner and doesn't even see all the losses he has, the things he doesn't appreciate. The me he doesn't love enough for who I am, that he can't ever stand up for, when it is just the two of us.
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Thanks Micmel, Myboobstriedtokillme, snickers, edwards750 for the handholding and support. I am lucky to have a few woman friends, along with my girls. Dh, like a lot of guys, wastes too much time trying to be all manly and unemotional. It's really a type of weakness, to be so afraid to feel emotions deeply. I sometimes feel sorry for him. He has boxed himself in a corner and doesn't even see all the losses he has, the things he doesn't appreciate. The me he doesn't love enough for who I am, that he can't ever stand up for, when it is just the two of us.
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Cancer has an effect on support systems too. They are taught to be "tough" from an early age and don't want to talk to anyone about how it affects them too and their fears. They often just shut themselves off instead and of course that hurts us too even if they do not mean to do so.
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My hubby is more prone to showing emotion than I am. I snapped at him a few times when he'd go into Moan & Shoulder Rub mode right in the oncologist's office. I didn't want to have to think about his damn feelz while trying to pay attention to what the MO was saying. But he's been good otherwise - to the point where I haven't opened up to him much during the whole thing because I didn't want to stress him. Except right before the kidney surgery, I told him how scared I was of that. The breast stuff didn't bother me nearly as much, I guess because boobs aren't as essential. The best thing the husband did was taking me to parks after appointments; it was so helpful emotionally and physically and reminded me that cancer wasn't the only thing in my life at the time.
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I know when the shit starts to roll it's always down hill. All my life I've stayed on high ground. I figured I would avoid the shit... well I didn't. It came down on top of my head... flys and all. Cancer. Just when you're all busy living your life 😮 and maybe even you're incredibly happy and satisfied in every way! Finally comfortable in your own skin. What? An effing lump? Are you freaking kidding me??? I knew it the moment I reached up and felt it. I was a goner. Maybe not today, maybe not Tomorrow, and obviously today I sur pass the the grid of hell. Today I was diagnosed three years denovo! Here to three years of life , by also those three years were so so very hard!!
Mac. Sending hugs and love to you! ~M~
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Micmel congratulations. I'm happy you are here. Here's to three more, and three more and three more.
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Ditto to what molliefish wrote Micmel. I can guess its been shitty, but you are going on and on, like the Energizer Bunny, despite a bit of low battery. Sorry the poor humor, but I admire you Micmel and wish you the best.
I could say that dh was only bad during bc troubles, but in actuality he has always been a somewhat poor husband. No help with my girls when they were babies. Always whined and moaned when he had to look after them for more than an hour. When I went to the gym(rarely), he would watch them for about 2 hours midmorning/early afternoon. He would feed himself earlier, and then forget all about feeding them. I would come home at 1pm and they were berserk with hunger. I finally started putting an alarm on the microwave. It would go off, he couldn't miss the giant sign taped to the microwave saying I left food for the girls in the frig.
That sounds crazy, it was not the relationship or husband of my dreams. I gave up work to stay home and raise my girls. Then the bc industry came knocking. I was broke, and trapped with really young children. He would say if he left, that he would go back to Ireland, and I wouldn't get a dime of support. So I stuck it out, and now back to work, but no savings yet, to speak of.
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What an ass macb. Hope some day soon you can buy him a 1 way ticket to Ireland. 😡
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Sounds like not only bad husband but bad dad to kids too. Know flight prices seem to get advertised as being low a few times a year to flights overseas. Start that savings.
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Thanks Rosebella, and bcincolorado. Other people I spoke with about this said I should have walked off, rather than questioned him over pointing out something I hate above everything, ( positive media coverage of cancer). A friend said if I had walked off, then he wouldn't have gotten angry, cursed and yelled and thrown the remote across the room. I don't feel it's fair to me, I am only asking him to respect my wishes not to see stuff like that in my own house. He didn't have to make me look up from my book to see that.
If I get up every time he puts that stuff on TV, then I am hostage to his capricious and inconsiderate whims. Those awful commercials with bald children come on certain channels he likes to watch all the time. His disrespect of my views has influenced my girls to some degree. They don't remember all of it, how bad it was.
I think that he wants to move back into our old house if the tenants move out. I have thought recently if he did move out, that I would make a MIL apartment in the basement, so I could get help paying the bills/mortgage.
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MacbO4 - I'm so sorry about you're DH is acting like such a FH. My DH (who can, also, be a bit of a FH), compares my BC to his sleep apnea. GOD - how I *WISH* I *ONLY* had sleep fucking apnea!!! He's about 100 pounds overweight - too. Doesn't have the willpower to stop eating.
I've tried explaining to him my feelings and he says I'm playing the "cancer card". Steams me up - just to think he actually says that sh*t to me. WHO the F*CK WANTS to HAVE a cancer card - in the 1st place!?!!?
Some days - I wish he'd get cancer - just so he'd understand - that I'm not playing a fucking card. I've been dealt a fucking cluster-fuck of bad shit that can come back and kill me. (Of course - when I try to say that to anyone - I get the "no-one knows when they are going to die") F*ck that. Sorry for all my "f*cks!!!" Just feeling MAD today!!!!!
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Micmel - Cancer-versaries - SUCK. I feel a lot like the way you do. I miss my life - BEFORE - cancer. I miss feeling pretty. I miss feeling healthy. I miss feeling safe. I feel like it's gone forever. Stage 3, aggressive, over 6 inches and 3 lymph nodes. Every MO I went to explained how high risk I am. I know staying away from mets, can not last forever. Feeling safe - that feeling - I'll never have again.
Just feeling really sad and mad today....
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But is just the "new normal" commercial gets my goat every time I see that one I want to just scream at the TV. Like just get over it and adjust to life with cancer over your head all the time. Doesn't matter what kind or how aggressive it is, once you have it the fear never goes away. The drug companies should not be allowed to advertise if you ask me. Would make all our lives easier.
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Dancing~you're not alone.....no you're not. I feel everything you feel. ! Cancer is evil pure and simple. It just reminds me that I have been suffering for three years. Some people say “oh you should be celebrating" seriously. Uh no. I see NO reason at all to celebrate that day that I was walking down a hallway hand and hand with my precious DH and was pushed into another world. With no hope of coming back. Same people and same faces, going on about their lives as ours came to a screeching halt, not knowing if during the summer we would be planning a vacation or my funeral. It was terror at the most heightened possibility short of being on my death bed I could ever feel. Sheer terror raced through my mind and my chest exploded realizing they were in fact speaking about me. I was the patient it was my oncologist saying “Within one to three years cancer will take your life". Ahh thanks dude. Have a nice day. Well he was wrong. I'm still here suffering physically with limitations that annoy me to no end. Mentally I'm trashed and emotionally drained. Everyday takes effort that I'm loosing. Waking up is work. I can't even tell you what I'll be able to do from day to day. New normal my ass. Nothing normal about the way we are forced to live. I try to be thankful im in remission. But I am still stuck in this failing body and still feel awful side effects from chemo I'll never be off of, and have already had.Actually the chemo could get worse if and when ibrance fails for me. Torture and terror. Plain and simple.... hugs you strong ladies. I feel every thing you feel or I have in the past.
Goodnight ladies. ~M~
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DancingElizabeth, you are right, he is a shitty f*cker of a husband. He has said stuff about we all die, blah, blah, blah. I will admit it, I didn't feel too bad when he had melanoma taken off his back. Or when he broke his leg. I had 17 surgeries in a hellish 4 year span of time. He used to say shit like I had no tolerance to pain. Hell, I was in Labor for 21 hours with my youngest. . Told him he was a lightweight, couldn't stand real suffering. That made him mad, and I was GLAD. Finally he had just the smallest, most infinitesimal fraction of the misery and pain I endured. I would always try and take the high road, but finally I am worn out. I feel like he is okay with hurting me if he feels like he wants to say something, he is entitled to say whatever the hell he wants, no matter if it guts my heart.
I don't want to become a spiteful, cruel person, so I am withdrawing bit by painful bit from my marriage. People say things like, don't I want to save my marriage? I can't possibly do it by myself. I have told him that expression, Happy wife, happy life. He says bullshit. My happiness means very little, and it's the saddest thing to me. All my efforts for naught, except my for girls. Thank God for them.
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bcincolorado, they should ban those damn commercials. They even have that shit on the radio. It's like they hijack our lives, and then we are never free from those stinking bastards. Cursed be their names, all of them.
Micmel, I am so sad to see you suffer, they should do an infinitely better job of treating and caring for us all. They should feel ashamed, most of them. Only the rare person was considerate, was compassionate. Often felt just like a number, like a piece of meat. I don't know if they all started off evil, or just had erosion of their heart from burnout, knowing how useless the bc industry shit is. The least they could do is be kind.
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just a small whimper: It’s been so lonely. I would have loved people to visit, just drop in for a minute, join me for a walk or coffee without me organising it. In over six months that’s happened a handful of times. My family were so good as much as possible
I’m very self sufficient and capable normally. Maybe I scare people. Maybe people are just so used to me being the organiser. I’m an extrovert, I need people because that’s where my energy comes from. But I was sad and lonely so many days.
That’s all. I’ll get over it, of course.
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Macb, all I want to say is I am so sorry you have been so emotionally abused for so long on top of the stupid cancer. You are right, your daughters are the best thing to come out of it. I am unmarried so will not offer marriage advice but do make sure you build good supports with others. Your husband will likely behave the same but if you are supported, it won't be as impactful to your emotional state.
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I hate the new normal commercials too. But the message should be you need to live life to your fullest each day. We go through this with my dad. He's ever so slowly beginning to adjust to his left side disability from a stroke. He went through the denial then anger phase which is normal but is stuck in fear and despair. This causes additional stress on his body affecting his physical and mental abilities. His PT is Buddhist and works on the complete picture. We understand the frustration of being limited and needing help. He's been on his own for 35 years fiercely independent and active. And the fear that if you stroke, the chances of more goes up. But wasting a day of what if is a waste. Those who do well make lemonade out of lemons. Doesn't mean they are stress free and carefree but that they are handling it better and so the stress and the uglies it does to your body is lower.
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SuefromSydney - I am sorry that you are so lonely. Grab a cup of coffee and pretend we are all sitting around a table and chat with us!
You can always just keep telling people to stop in when they are in the area, they may not know how you feel and don't want to intrude if you don't feel well. Or the next time you walk with someone, tell them to give you a call next time they want to walk.
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