STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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Today I am angry! I'm pissed off at what cancer is taking and will take from me. I'm angry that there are people in my life that have health issues that could be reversed or cured by lifestyle changes such as diet and yet they consistently fall off the wagon and don't seem to care! What I wouldn't give to be able to reverse this! I don't get a freaking do over! I'm angry that my friends are carrying on with their lives and doing all the stuff I wanted to do too! I'm angry that I won't get to grow old with the love of my life, but mostly I'm angry that people take such simple things for granted. I am not angry all the time but today I am! Thank you for letting me say these things out loud! Rant over
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every single word is true..... I feel the same way !
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I'm very hungry since my dx, not for me. Is for my parents, they are old and sick, my mother has Alz and my father drinks, both of them need a daughter to care of them, a healthier daugther, not a daughter who can't even clean they house or cooking or made an effort to dress them because the risk of lymphedema. They not need a daughter in constanting risk of recurrence, depressed about her future. Sorry about my english, today I didn't check my text with a translate, all came out like a vomit.
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I'm very angry since my dx, not for me. Is for my parents, they are old and sick, my mother has Alz and my father drinks, both of them need a daughter to care of them, a healthier daugther, not a daughter who can't even clean they house or cooking or made an effort to dress them because the risk of lymphedema. They not need a daughter in constanting risk of recurrence, depressed about her future. Sorry about my english, today I didn't check my text with a translate, all came out like a vomit.
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Yndorian, your English is fine. Do you read Facebook? Hard to tell if some of my friends got through 3rd grade.
I'm sure your parents realize how much you care for them and would like to be doing more physically but are unable. You and your parents are very lucky to have your brother. In this country, that kind of family responsibility does not necessarily exist and you all could end up floundering alone.
Are you still having chemo? Even if you are not, it still can take up to a year to recover from the very hard chemo you endured. You will start to fell better gradually over the next few months. Please give yourself time and be kind to yourself.
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jaycee, someway I think is unfair to crying here and being consolate for stage IV women when I'm not. I'm done with chemo but surgery and rads are the next so I will be out of scene for a while. I'm terribly worried about the future. I have a supraclavicular node so my stage is still undefined. I don't afraid about death, I'm afraid to be uncapable to care my parents and to be another charge for mi brother.
Anyway my last taxol was last monday so should be the toxins still traveling in my blood who are speaking for me now. Kisses
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yndarian, a lot of us stage 4 people started out thinking we would be cured. We understand the anxiety of recurrence and recovery. We all love to support all stages of cancer here, the fear is the same. This board is for all stages. It is for people to vent off their stress. No one is a whiner. No judgment here.
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Yndorian, for me, surgery and radiation were way easier than chemo. You still have a ways to go to recover from chemo but the other two shouldn't knock you down quite as much. Congratulations on getting through chemo. That is a huge accomplishment.
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JoaniePA, I just went back and read your post about the commercials and things you hate! I thought it was just me! I really loath the Walgreens “ fight beautifully" commercial too! I really hate October!
Jaycee, wow, you never cease to amaze me, always reaching out to everyone and offering support, all while you’re confronting issues of your own! Your kindness is appreciated by so many!
Surgery, chemo, radiation, I once heard these called mutilated, poisoned and burned. Far mor accurate but not politically correct. It is definitely how I think of it!
I try to stay positive because attitude is a choice, but I won't apologize when reality robs me of my Pollyanna wannabe moments. Cancer sucks, and it forever changes our lives.
I was told in 2003 that my cancer was “tiny." After five years I was told I was “cured, but they just aren't allowed to say that." Guess what, 15 1/2 years later and it came back! I will always know it will come back again, the only question is when and where.
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I too was horrified at what my "treatment" options were. It was small, caught early, I thought. Just to learn later this beast is dangerous at any stage, any size.
When I see my plastic surgery reconstruction and compare it to cancer treatment I feel like I was comparing the present day with the stone age.
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I hate "Pinktober..." everything about it, as well as (already posted on past threads) those spokesperson commercials about J & J talc powder causing ovarian cancer, and the millions of $ already paid out to "victims."
GIVE ME AN EFFING BREAK! We're victims too. Who do WE GET TO SUE, for criminy sakes!? We're in pain...we're suffering AND DYING. Why can't we "cash in," so at least our families would get a little dough out of it after we transition
One out of 8 women will get BC, but only 1 out of 58 will get ovarian C.
So, what's the matter here? I've already called a few of these "ambulance chasing" firms and given them more than a piece of my mind...have they tested these women for genetic mutations (BRCA, etc.) that may have already predisposed them to cancer, regardless of talc use?
What about biopsies on the actual ovaries? Can they PROVE that they're riddled with "alleged" cancer- causing talc?
And what about the women who NEVER used talc and still got OC? Kind of like the people who get lung cancer, but never smoked a day in their lives.
I'm over sixty...Mom used J & J powder on all five of us since birth, and I still use the powder myself.
It's a pile of bullshiza if you ask me.
L
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yep
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why is it that i go in for breadt surgery to come out feeling like a car crash victim?? Good grief I was just starting to feel physically better from the BMX on 4/2 & on 5/1 back in for revision surgery to get the infections cleaned up and TE's removed and I'm almost back to top square 1 on healing the rest of my body. My neck is just beginning to feel like it belongs to me, my arm(s) muscles and tendons aren't as sore but still WHAT IN THE HELL DO THEY DO TO OUR BODIES WHEN WE'RE UNDER??? I feel like they played kickball with my body
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I have aged 30 years physically since my first surgery. Cancer takes a toll on our bodies that is for sure.
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Nanette, I wonder the same! I always felt I was dropped or something happened during my first surgery that caused me to need total shoulder replacements!
I too hate the fact that both times I had breast cancer I felt great when diagnosed and horrible after treatment! Still waiting/wondering what the Letrozole will do to me!
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I started reading this thread last night and wow, I can relate to so much. I had my 2nd Taxol infusion yesterday and the steroid in the premeds kept sleeping at bay last night so I just continued reading.
I've been frustrated more than angry since my diagnosis. Frustrated with people I thought would be there who haven't. Frustrated by friends who say this is just a bump in the road. Friends who tell me it can be worse. I know it can but it still sucks. My sister in law who has been incredibly there for me keeps saying just get them both cut off so you don't have to worry. Says that's what she would do. Sorry but till you've been diagnosed with breast cancer which I pray to God you never do, don't tell me to cut them off. They're mine and I've become attached physically and emotionally to them over the past 56 yrs.
My husband has been incredible. We're married 27 yrs and I knew he loved me but never realized how much he needed me till this happened. He's been my rock. Not an emotional man by any means but he's teared up quite a few times in the past few months. He always manages to make me smile. It's a gift he has. My daughters have also been incredible. I'm blessed but still feel frustrated by this horrible disease.
Before I was diagnosed I used to wake up every morning thanking God for another day. Now I wake up wondering how I'm going to feel, hoping I don't get neuropathy and fearful if I get through this I'll have a reoccurrence because I'm triple positive. I want to go back to thanking God for another day.
That's my rant for today. Going to meet a friend whose been great for lunch.
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Dawn1962, I am verry sorry you find yourself here. It definitely is upsetting when friends and family disappear. I am not sure they realize they don't need to make a grand gesture of help, just showing up for a coffee would mean a lot. I think people are afraid of cancer and the fear can help drive them away which still does not make us feel any better about it.
You find out who true friends and family are by the ones who show up and don't put their own opinions on how you should handle it. You have a very new dx and if takes a LONG time to get anywhere near wrapping your head around it. As time goes on and you finish your treatment, you should still seek counselling through a hospital social worker or support group. Being with people who understand you will help ease some of the stress.
I know I am stage IV, I have been dealing with it for a long time. Once there is some distance from it and the steroids are done and you sleep, it will help emotionally. If you can gently walk, I recommend that as an assist with any stress or depression you are dealing with now and as time goes on. Good luck. FYI I am still here and have no evidence of disease in both my body and brain. I keep up my strength and have found that the treatment I am on still allows me a good quality of life
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mara Thank you. Your words are encouraging. I think I will seek counseling. I realize this could be worse than it is and I hate to feel down. I did walk today. I managed to get 8,000 steps. Nowhere near where I was before chemo but better than I was a couple of weeks ago.
I have to learn how to take this one day at a time and try not to focus on an unknowable future.
Best to you and again, thank you
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Tonight I went to my nephews wedding that I had been looking forward to for quite some time. I got dressed up and put on my itchy, hot wig and headed out with my family. We arrived and I do have to be dropped by the door bc I have trouble walking but once inside I had some confidence and was enjoying the event. Then all the talk turned to me and cancer. I was told multiple times how I didn’t look like a cancer patient by the same two people and was greeted by one telling me she couldn’t eat meat anymore and was sick. I tried to smile thru it all bc I had my 3 kids w me, but I didn’t know what to say to so many questions and comments. It quickly made me uncomfortable and a little sad bc I was really looking forward to this event. Before I arrived I actually didn’t feel like a cancer patient but by the time I got home I cried. How do you handle all the curios and well meaning people when you just don’t want to talk about it? And especially in front of my kids. This was my first big outing and I didn’t know what to say. Any advice from you guys that have been in these situations
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Nanomom - UGH. I *HATE* dealing with the questions and the comments. For that reason, I haven't told many people about my BC.
You handled it very well. It's so hard...I know. I was wearing an itchy wig almost 3 years ago. It sucks, but your hair will come back...
Anyway, When I am asked questions that make me feel uncomfortable I just tell them that I have “...a hard time talking about it..." Which is true. Or I might say “well the docs through the kitchen sink at it" (when asked for information about the treatments)
Hang in there!!!
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@Nanomom11 ((((((Nanomom11)))))) So sorry this happened to you! Of course they meant well! This is exactly why I haven't told anyone. (My doctors think I am crazy for not telling anyone. Not even my three children. I have only told one of my 9 siblings. So glad I haven't.)
@DancingElizabeth I don't want to have the conversations with family and friends either, I don't like the attention. Love your answer for them if they ask about it!
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Sorry, ladies, but the hair doesn't always come back. It's been over a year and a half and I still look like a cross between Elmer Fudd and former CA gov. Jerry Brown. But that's okay.
I'd rather still be alive and mostly bald than dead with a full scalp of hair.
Sorry you had to put up with the comments and nosy questions. I guess we have ro accept that it goes with the territory. I used to get those "you look great" comments too, but now that I have to walk with a Cane/walker all hunched over and have lymphedema, people tend to leave me alone.
L
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Hi everyone...I'm a little angry today so I decided to share. You can see my diagnosis. What you don't see is I have multiple autoimmune disease which is very debilitating. I can totally relate to those that have to deal with sickness on a daily basis and it doesn't go away. I was struck overnight with this. it ended my career at 49 y/o. My children were 19 and 22 at the time so they were mostly independent. Most of my identity came from my work. I had to go to counseling to mourn that loss. Its now been 17 years since my diagnosis. I have lost all my friends except for one that I talk to on the phone occasionally. I save all the energy I have for my children and grandchildren. However the majority of my time is spent in bed. In general I handle it pretty well. Just not today. Yes my BC diagnosis was another hurdle but mostly it's dealing with chronic illness that I find most difficult. So I get it! Here is hoping you all have more good days than bad. Best of luck to all.
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dtad, I lost almost all contact with my work friends. My company was pushing all senior engineers out offering retirement deals. Wanting to keep the younger cheaper people. I don't feel singled out but ever since I took 2 months off for my DIEP I felt a rift growing. I worked with these people almost 35 years. I thought I had many friends. I keep in contact with only 1 friend from work. I think the rest of them think I am dying and avoid me like the plague.
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My mother's neighbor is the sister of a neighbor of mine, so I can see how the notice of my cancer have spreaded. Of course my new gipsy look helped too. Anyway, people ho loved to talk to me everytime I came out, now just says hello and walk faster. People don't know how to act in front of a cancer patient
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Yeah, I get that. Been ghosted by a lot of "former" friends.
They treat us like we're contagious...like we have the MEASLES or something.
Went to a mini-family reunion with the Hawaiian side of the family (DH's side) yesterday, and it saddens me that my nephews-in-law will only remember me as the "Aunt who had terminal cancer." The other folks engaged me in conversation, but the younger ones couldn't even look me in the eye
(.L
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I hide a lot of what is going on with me from the kids and grandkids know very little at this point because they are so young. My niece lost her mom several years ago and we are her surrogate parents so she freaks out when something happens with either of us and since the cousins all talk even though live in different towns we keep a lot to ourselves medically. I understand more why my in-laws hid stuff from us before they died.
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I think Alex Trebek described it best on how he was doing to Robin Roberts (remember she is a bc survivor) when he said he was sort of a wuss. He could deal with the pain he was having but he is having a time with the sudden waves of sadness that come over him.
I think every single cancer patient has this. I don't think our family and friends that have never been diagnosed with any kind of cancer would understand. I don't think our MOs understand, but they should be listening and referring us to counseling on dealing with active treatments, side effects from treatments, and our emotional well being as a whole. It seems everything is status quo depending on sub type, however all you hear these commercials yacking is how everyone's cancer is different. It's no wonder so many are having anger, sadness, depression issues.
I have a hard time now and again but seem to get out of it before reaching out for help. I've tried putting things that happen on a 1-2-3 basis. 1-Is whatever new symptom due to normal aging? 2-Is this a new side effect happening? 3-Maybe something else is up? It has sort of helped me to think and focus on #1 and #2 before going to #3. This is how I got out of my most recent funk.
My son said he had a hair in his sandwich the other day. I replied with well maybe I'll just stop taking my little white pill so my hair will stop falling out and I can just get cancer again. That wasn't very nice, but oh well He's 25, he will get over it. Told my husband I was in a Big B mood can he please not talk or look at me. He agreed and I retreated to the bedroom. Starting to have heart burn now and even choked up water the other day--not happy but remaining focused on this not having anything to do with #3.
Thanks for listening, if you've made it through this post. I'm having 4 gals over for dinner tomorrow, and they have been great. I say I'm doing OK and they understand I don't want to talk about it with them. If I do they better be ready to stay all night!!!!! I'd really rather hear about their normal lives, and yes even their problems. It makes me feel normal as well.
Hope you all have the best day you can today!
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Hi Everyone...
It's like when I talk to people - who don't know about my BC. Even if it's to talk about the weather - feels Good.
I just crave that normalcy. Anything that has nothing to do with BC. It's like a mental break. To get outside of my head and feel like I am not so different and a hot mess than others.
The gym helps me a lot. I see people of all ages, sizes, fitness levels and people in wheelchairs... They are all there to get a nice sweat and feel better...
However, despite all of that and my reconstruction, I still hide the front of my chest when I have to take off my sports-bra in the locker room...just afraid of people knowing and feeling sorry for me - because that makes my reality hurt so much more....(I've gotten pretty good at hiding this!)
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