STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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Mavericksmom:
Thank you so much for sharing your experience and for understanding that no stage of BC is a picnic. If it was, most of us would not be using this website to relate how life changing it can be. Yes, my breast cancer could be worse but I do not know what the future holds for me with a mixed BC dx. My MO says that a recurrence will most likely be ILC which is super sneaky, more likely to not recur in my breast (unless it pops up on the right) and can wait 7-10 years to show up. I think she is hoping that I die from some other disease in the interim.
The day of my first lumpectomy, the RN inserted the IV in a vein right by my little finger on my right hand (dominant hand). It was not stable and yet everyone insisted on trying to make it work by repositioning it with more tape, putting pads under it and my complaints that it hurt were ignored. I went to the Radiology department for the insertion of the "barb" to locate my BC for the lumpectomy and asked to use the restroom. The nurse wheels me to the restroom, we looked at the toilet which had been disconnected from the wall and was lying on the floor. I told her I didn't think I could use it and when she looked up to see what I was talking about and we both started to laugh. She did find one that worked but that was the last I time I laughed that day. I still smile when I think of this experience.
When the anesthesiologist came to see me I insisted she remove the IV (which she expressed her annoyance about) and replace it because I knew if they put drugs through it, it would damage the vein and have to be restarted anyhow. The bruise I had on my hand from the badly placed IV lasted more than a week and since it was in my dominant hand by the little finger, I kept hitting it. I am also allergic to adhesive tape and get blisters that peel and ooze. No one ever asks what my red allergy band is about and I have recovered from anesthesia to find myself slathered in adhesive tape.
The BS did not believe in a local prior to administering the radioactive tracer and when injected into my nipple I let our a loud yelp at which point he told me I was a "baby". Not what you want to hear from the surgeon who will be operating on you and it was too late to say I was leaving. Post-op my chest was swathed in ace bandages since they could not use tape and they did not want to stay in position. The RN in the PACU was phenomenal. He kept my pain under control and offered advice as to what I needed to say to get better drugs since I am also allergic to most narcotics. The BS spoke to my husband post-op but I do not recall him talking to me. The day after my surgery I discovered my tongue was bruised and swollen. It made talking and eating difficult for several days. I was told by the anesthesiologist I probably "bit my tongue" but I think it was most likely a result of a poor airway insertion or removal. I was not given a bra to wear post-op (nor told to purchase one) and it was quite a challenge to control swelling since the sports bra I tried to use was so difficult to get on with the sutures I had. I had one sentinel node removed because that was all the BS could find in my "fatty tissue" as he wrote in my chart. So the most positive memorable moments were the restroom blunder and the RN care while in the PACU.
I was hopeful that after this surgery all would be well and I could resume my life. I was so very wrong and each experience after this had no positive memorable moments. Thus the reason, I still have bouts of insomnia with flashbacks that cause night terrors, hot flashes unrelated to room temp and know each joint intimately since they are all so painful waking me several times a night. This is not a "new" normal and I will throat punch the next person who says this to me. This is the disease that keeps on giving and giving and giving. I'd like to drop out of this "giving" club and have my old life back.
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That surgeon is an anal orifice!
Now that I'm circling the bowl, I just say what ever I want, and I would have said, "Eff you, buddy! Have you ever had some crap injected into YOUR NIPPLE?"
His answer probably would have been "no."
And then I'd reply, "Then shut the Eff up! And BTW, I'd rather be a baby than an anal orifice!"
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Watching the baseball game and stupid breast cancer awareness $hit, give me a break happy mother's day remember to get a mammogram. Stick it where the sun doesn't shine.
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What about doctors who are dismissive to your questions and worries?
And that coworker whom I helped to get a promotion two years ago? And now since I am not at work (doing chemo) tríes to get another promotion speaking behind my back. Very grateful, isnt it?
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Meow13 I thought I was the only one who thought that! Thank you!
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Hello Ladies,
My rant is cancer returning in the incision.....thank you dribbling in surgery or seeding from biopsy. Sadly there is 102 years of BC within my close family (Aunts, Mom, Sister). NO ONE has a recurrence. Not from BC, not from ovarian cancer, not from uterine cancer. NO ONE but me. Gee thanks. What a nightmare!!!!!!
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Lita57:
Thanks for the laugh. Actually where I would liked to have injected that arrogant a** was lower. As a BS involved in a local non-profit that offers support to women with BC he is widely regarded but it is all a facade and lip service. The recommendation for the BS came from a nurse navigator who I trusted and again was betrayed. My "barb" insertion took longer than anticipated so I think I was the object of his annoyance/wraith because of his OR schedule.
His a**holeness was truly apparent when there was the week delay in receiving my biopsy results that I later found he had sat on for over 24 hours. I called him, so lord knows when I might have gotten the call? I was told "IDC" only so when I called later to ask about use of mammosite, I was immediately referred to the RO and was told to make the appointment ASAP. Since I was new to this "game" I did and was able to get an appointment faster than I got my bx results! Unfortunately, I had to have whole breast rads x 34 treatments.
It was the RO who reviewed the biopsy results with me and was shocked when I erupted in tears because I was also told I had ILC and DCIS which was on the biopsy report I had not seen until this appointment. The BS did not even have the courtesy to give me a full report! I asked the RO if I could switch BS and was told that no one would want to clean up another surgeon's surgery especially since no markers were left at the excision edges. The RO was diplomatic, explained why mammosite was off the table because of the IDC at the margins and the DCIS. So I made arrangements for my "excisional lumpectomy" by phone so I did not have to meet the BS face to face. I had my original stitches removed at the time of this second surgery. Felt it was a guide as to where he needed to cut so he could not screw it up. The relationship deteriorated from the day of my second surgery when he tried to play "almighty god" about the type of anesthesia he wanted to use. I asked if he was having surgery because what he proposed was not acceptable " conscious sedation" and I refused. I then had to argue with anesthesia about what I wanted (since I had awoken during a conscious sedation procedure when they "rebroke" my broken nose) and what I would do it they refused, which was haul my butt out the door. I got the anesthesia I wanted, saw him for suture removal and then fired him. I have not seen him since. I would not recommend him to anyone and ignored his MO referral figuring enough of his pitiful advice.
Lita57, I value your words and your humanity. It is evident that no one has taken away your sense of humor nor right to advocacy. So keep enlightening those who do not meet your needs, we all need to be advocates in this day and age of "business" medicine. If you take my money, then you need to listen to my concerns is my new mantra.
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Still cannot get this site to list the information I have posted under treatment. I do not know why it is selectively list parts but not all of what I have entered. Anyone have a suggestion? Plus the drop downs are less than inclusive.............Thanks
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Runor - you really know how to put things into perspective for me! I just love your posts and you are SO RIGHT ON, GIRLFRIEND!!!
Ann/snickersmom
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Betrayal, that sounds like a primitive medical facility! And the BS is certainly living up to those initials! Since when do surgeons do all the preoperative stuff like injecting the tracer? My hospital had a different doctor for that, I think one of the Interventional Radiology doctors, who first applied a topical numbing, waited until it took effect, then did the tiny needle numbing, and THEN did the radioactive injection. And maybe my BS had some input about the anesthesia she prefers, but I only dealt with the anestheseology department - first a nurse anesthetist, then the anesthesiologist. And I was at one of the smaller hospitals in this city. I'm so sorry you had such a horrible experience.
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AliceBastable:
I only wish it was, but it wasn't. It is a reputable large hospital system. The nurse anesthetist told me what the surgeon wanted for "his surgery" and I told him that I was the one undergoing surgery and I did not want his anesthesia, I wanted mine! The last I remember was having something injected into my IV line and then waking up in the PACU rather than the outpatient surgical area (which was where I was headed with his anesthesia). So I have to surmise, I got what I wanted. The RN who took care of me the first time in PACU, recognized my name and I woke up to see him. He asked if it "was okay that he had swapped with another RN" because he knew me. Of course it was because the care was exemplary unlike that I have ever received from my MD's. Made the end of that nightmare more palatable because he cared. To this day I avoid male MD's because I no longer trust them nor do I buy into their "godliness". My faith disappeared with my dx.
I have followed your postings online and enjoy your sense of humor as well as the "truths" you tell. Plus I love your quote. Thank you for sharing with us.
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Aw, thanks.
I was lucky, both the surgeon's at the breast center at the hospital I use are women, as is the oncologist I see. The RO seemed dickish if questioned, but we may have misunderstood each other. By the time I got to radiation, my brain was pretty much on the fritz for any more medical information.
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I HATE DEATH. I HATE THAT MY FATHER HAS DIED. I HATE THAT CANCER HAS STOLEN SO MUCH FROM US ALL. I HATE I AM POWERLESS IN THIS LIFE. I HATED SEEING HIM SUFFER. I HATE GROWING OLDER. I HATE THIS AWFUL HEAVY HEART I CANNOT OUTRUN. I AM SOOO ANGRY AT LOSS. SO ANGRY.0 -
Micmel, I'm so sorry for your lost. He rests in peace now, no more suffering, no more pain. I send you all my love fron the other side of the world. No more words to say in my rudiment english, I send you better toughts, my heart is with you because i've read all about your fight
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I just started first round of chemo May 1. Yesterday, May 12, I found out my husband just started having an affair with his high school girlfriend. We have been together for 21 years. Crying and devastated I asked him why now? He said our relationship isn't fun and exciting anymore. When I asked him if he had true feelings for her he said yes. When I told him he had to chose he said he needed time. That was like a knife in my heart! I have to be physically and mentally healthy and secure to get thru chemo and radiation and told him if he couldn't then I would have to end it. After a while of thinking about it he said he didn't want to lose me and our life we've built. He calle her in front of me and ended it with her. But my trust is gone, my sense of security is gone and he is not the man I thought he was. I'm so lost and broken
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Oh Doodlegirl, I am sorry you have to deal with marriage problems on top of the cancer. I think it is almost impossible to deal with two big things at once. I do suggest some type of counseling for your marriage, he needs to grow up and step up to help you through this. That is if you decide to give him another chance. I will be thinking of you.
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Doodle~My heart is with you. I can understand why you would feel that way. Breathe deep and take one day at a Time. Strong women, stand their ground and can be loving at the same time, as its earned back. Let time speak. Let him earn it back. You deserve support and love you beautiful woman. He ending it, means a choice was made and you stood up and wereyour own strongest asset, and advocate. He will keep his head out of his ass and see the real world once again with out the smell of shit that surrounded him with it firmly placed up his anal cavity! Stay strong and make him earn your trust. It is not something that can be fixed over night and I know you don't know me From boo, but im damn proud of you!
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Micmel - every single word you wrote is true and legit. It hurts that people die. It hurts that we die. Powerlessness leads to frustration and anger and the feeling like your head is going to blow off your shoulders. I have no clue what to do about it. I just KNOW it. I hate this for you!
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Dear Micmel:
For all the support and love you so unselfishly provide to others I wish I had better words to offer. I wish you comfort in the memories of your time with your father in the past and recently. He was loved, you were there when he died so he was not alone at the time of passing and no one could ask for a better daughter. May you find peace in knowing that he loved you and will always.They say that Cardinals are the souls of those we have lost, so I hope your Cardinal visits soon. Look for it and know it is him.
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Doodle, I think you handled it exactly right. He needs to be totally finished with her. Maybe you could get some support with your chemo from the group here "starting chemo May 2019" and also maybe a little distraction. Here is the link to that group. Go to the end for the most recent posts.
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Micmel,
Your rant was right on target. My Dad died in 2012 after a 7 year battle with colon cancer. I was FURIOUS for about a year and a half. My pain at losing him has become livable over the years, and ironically, one bright spot was he never lived to know that after he died, first my sister, then myself, then my Mom were all diagnosed with breast cancer. I look forward to the day when this disease is as eradicated as measles. My deepest sympathy for your loss.
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Once the trust is gone, it changes everything. My old boyfriend from graduate school "cheated" on me, and I forgave him...but in retrospect, I should have dumped him then and there. Wasted a few more "anxiety-producing" years on that relationship when I really should have moved on to greener pastures with someone else.
Oh well...live and learn.
L
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Oh micmel I am so sorry and my heart and prayers go out to you and your family.
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Betrayal~. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! I'm struggling. I have to take it day by day. No other choice. Thank you for your words of support they mean everything.
Moving~I am deeply sorry you ever felt what I am feeling now. I basically don't want to move, or even feel. My heart feels like it's bleeding... may we heal and learn how to feel joy in their memory. Thank you for sharing such profound moments in your life with me.
Bc~ thank you beautiful friend. Thank you
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Micmel, I am so very sorry for you and your family about the loss of your father. I am still struggling with my mother's own death recently. She suffered a long time herself until she got to hospice. Now that my house sale and packing up from there and getting new apartment are done, my own grief is still an issue. I can certainly empathize with how you are feeling as well. My sincere thoughts going out to you and your family.
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MIcmel I'm so sorry your Dad passed away. He is in peace now and healed. Now he is not in pain or suffering. He is there with those others who have passed on before him. There is no treachery there, no one pretending to care, He is always with you in your heart. Yes your heart is bleeding...the lose.....there is a hole in your heart and it will heal in time. It's hard to lose a parent. Sending you tons of (((hugs))) and prayers tor you and your family.
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I need to vent about my biological dad who has spent my whole life refusing to acknowledge that I am his biological child to his wife and kids (I am from an affair). He found out about my bc dx from other relatives & I didn't want to keep my dx a secret. It's just that when anyone from my dad's side of the family has any significant news about me it always brings up my dad's stupid family drama that he refuses to deal with like a grown adult. His wife basically knows I'm his kid because it's one of those worst kept secrets but apparently doesn't want to deal with it either. We rarely have contact (he lives abroad) but when he does (like when he wanted to talk to me after finding out I have bc) he has to go out somewhere to call me or use someone else's phone so his wife doesn't know. It's ridiculous so I haven't tried to keep in touch, since I didn't want to accidentally say or do anything that would cause more drama. Sometimes I wish he had just decided to stay completely out of the picture instead of having weird ways of trying to stay in my life while hiding his non-secret for 40+ years. I just don't understand people sometimes!
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Melza - I think I understand your frustration! Like, pick a lane, dude.
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So I have this one friend who, our entire 20 year relationship, has always been so freaking sure of herself. She simply can't conceive of a topic where she knows less than someone else and she's really confident in putting forth her opinions. Most of the time I can shrug it off. She has other qualities that make her caring and charming and you take the bad with the good, right?
But since my diagnosis she's just a font of bad advice, confidently delivered. For example, she thinks I really need to press my doctor about tamoxifen, even though I'm triple negative and it would not help. I apparently should have been doing yoga this whole time, even on days I could not lift my head without puking. I should be eating this and avoiding that, regardless of what my nutritionist advises. You get the point.
Now she's really worried I'm rushing into a decision about surgery without thinking about it. Girl, I've had 5 months to think about it while I did chemo. I mean, yes, I've got gaps in my information which are now being filled in, but I've had plenty of time to build my decision tree. I've created an imaginary model of "if / then" statements. For example, if I test positive for a genetic predisposition, then mark a point for BMX. If a lumpectomy is medically possible, mark a point for that. Dense breasts - BMX. No tumor visible on the post chemo mammo or MRI - lumpectomy. As data comes in, I fill in the gaps and get closer to a decision, all with the common goal of increasing my odds of disease free survival. I've told her this, but she's concerned I'm being too "clinical" and not processing or mourning my breasts or something. I'm in the middle of a fire fight here! I don't need someone questioning my judgement or decision making abilities. Be supportive or be silent!
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Holy crap Melza! I can totally relate! I actually told mine 10+ years ago that either you’re my father or you ain’t, I can’t do this halfway stuff anymore. I never heard from him again. He passed away last year. It’s messed with me my whole life.
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