STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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ctmbsikia
If you have wine and spaghetti for the weekend, that sounds pretty good! And you and your husband sure have a lot of people who care about you. That has to help. And talking to your daughter about normal everyday things in your lives is a very healthy thing for both of you.
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Husband was up and at it this morning whereas I was like, where am I? What time is it? LOL Went slightly off the rails for a minute. I over indulged last night. I do that every once in awhile. It helps me realize how important it is to keep on the tracks for optimum health and function. Have work out class later today so this evenings agenda will consist of a hot shower and a cup of tea. Of course I did leave the house forgetting my work out gear! Ugh. Anyway, in a much better place today. Looking forward to the weekend and another "off" week from cancer!!!
The crazy friend sent us a picture of her FL license plate and said it's official. I wanted to text back, "Get a job!" but I didn't.
Wishing everyone a wonderful day!
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Big surprise, I'm at work and can't focus so I log in here. I will try to get a few things done but just not into it at all. I asked my husband what he was up to today and he said he was flipping coins. He is doing pretty well-he has an appt. on Thursday morning so we'll see what's up with his labs and setting up cycle #6. I don't say anything, I am rolling with him, but I am wondering how much more he can take?
A friend invited us out to dinner this weekend. I didn't even ask him. I will, but it's probably a no and that's OK. I have a girls dinner tomorrow. I also have to do a visit at the funeral home after the Dr's appt this week for an old friend and neighbor of my parents. I hate that place!
Here's a F cancer on a Fat Tuesday!!!
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ctmbsikia PA, does over-indulge mean alcohol or ice cream, lol. I find alcohol makes me feel good for an hour than mostly makes me feel worse later and the next day, so have a drink once maybe every 2 weeks, when I'm feeling good. And my liver enzymes are slightly elevated now. Although ironically I feel better drinking now than I did before dx. Got horrible hangovers with just one or two glasses. I eat ice cream every day. I'm doing chemo now and my taste buds are shot. Do what makes you feel good!!!
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If that ice cream tastes good, keep eating it! How often are your treatments? I dodged chemo thank goodness.
I have over indulged my entire adult life with alcohol. Back in my 20's I would spend the entire next day puking up nothing but bile. Over time I became more responsible, changed habits, had kids to look after, Now, I will only drive after having only 1. If 2, I'm ubering or calling someone. At home, I do my best to keep it to 2 glasses when I want one. After starting the hormone therapy the hot flashes were more frequent so I had to quit the red wine---almost 2 years now!!!! I so miss it! The white is really no better, but if I keep to my little itty bit it has not bothered me as much as the red did. I do taste reds once in a while, just not a whole bunch as it will put me in an all out sweat.
One time at a Dr.s office visit-another patient came out to check out and she must have gotten the how much wine she should have lecture from the Dr.. She told the receptionist that she would not live in a world without wine. I totally agree!!
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lol. Me too drank a lot in my teens twenties and thirties. Had my kids late at 39 and 41. Then not so much. Too sick after to take care of kids. Now mostly socially when out with girls and way over drink at annual hs reunions. I was highly hormonal and premenopausal at 54. I am on my 7th of 8 treatments and it has finally put me Into menopause. I'm am sweating all day and night and then cold. Slept bad last night. Any non alcoholic remedies? lol
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Back when I was pregnant and nursing and wanting a beer, I had the non alcoholic kind. I rarely have beer much now, but do love a couple now and then and like to taste the different micro brews if we're out and see a new one around.
When laying off wine or liquor, I will drink seltzer water and put some fruit in it. I also tried some of the different juice drinks they sell these days. Trying something new seemed to be a substitute for the same 'ol for me. I have even made my own juice and it's so good it's like you are having a fancy drink yet it is free of alcohol.
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Today I want to say to someone, someone close to me, someone I love, really? Really? You get pissed off with me and you haul out the big guns and blast my guts all over the place? Don't you know that the shit you text has impact? That you hurt people? Or is that the plan? To be such a heinous asshole that when I'm dead you can claim the guilt crown and act all sad and repentant and howl that you wish you had changed your ways? Won't that be a gratifying boost to your victim addiction? 'Oh I was so mean and now I feel so bad', crying big, fat fake tears. Because the time to fix your shit and correct yourself is right fucking now.
I don't recover from this shit anymore. I don't snap back. I don't blame it on low blood sugar or anxiety or lack of sleep. I don't gloss over it or make excuses for your failures. If you do this shit it's because you are shitty. No one HAS to be shitty. Every time you open your mouth or tap a text you are on a road that diverges and you get to choose which path you take. The path that mends and fixes or the path that destroys and maims. Every time. It's a choice. Time to own it.Loving someone who makes a life habit of never being a grown up, of never realizing the impact they have, of never hearing their own words that fly like arrows into my heart, I am so sick to death of loving someone like that. It makes me feel super, super shitty about myself that I want to walk away. But I do. I want to close the door and through the bullet proof glass mouth the words, I love you, best of luck to you, I hope everything goes your way. But I will never, ever again let you into my space where you can run an arrow through my heart. It is a terrible day, with a unique crushing ultimate failure and aloneness when you realize you have to protect yourself from someone you love the most. There is no way to realize this and not feel like an absolute piece of shit yourself. Feel like filth because of ugly interaction or feel like filth by choosing distance and estrangement. There is no good outcome. Just getting out.
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Words are inadequate, runor.
I feel your pain, I may have lived it. I did leave. No advice, only empathy.
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Edj, to be clear, can't leave this one. Not a marriage partner. But I guess people leave these too. I don't want to. I just want to be safe from the deliberate slings and arrows.
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So sorry to hear of your terrible day. You cannot change someone. No matter how much you love them. They are who they are. You did not make that person, you fell in love with a person that has faults. Everyone has faults. I wish you calmness and peace in your reflections of where to go, what to do. How to process what you really and truly feel andare willing to endure with this loved one. Sometimes it’s all just for nothing. Sometimes it’s absolutely everything. You are so feeling it and wish I could help.
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Had surgery in Nov, back to work after 3 wks. Managed to fit rads in before/after work. I'm TIRED!! My husband tosses and turns, snores. Went upstairs to spare room last night. Now he feels insulted (like usual if I sleep up there). Says it's not every night he keeps me awake. No honey it's only fing 5 out of 7. What I can't get thru his head is I need sleep, rest! what is so hard to understand?? I'm tired and depressed right now. Just feels good to write it out since talking to dumb ass gets me no where.
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Sometimes it may be easier to say it is you and not him and you are not comfortable and worried you are disturbing him so you moved over?
If he is snoring that much he might have apnea too and might need to see doctor. You do need your sleep.
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So RUDE! Teenagers - hogging the open gym and telling my son and other boys (8 - 11) to get the f*** out of the way. Another mom and I pointed out it's "open gym". They ignored us then mocked us. A worker at the rec center (big guy) came in and told them they had to go half court basketball. Then they still mocked us. Who raises such BRATS!?! I know part of me said they are kids and just wanted to play their basketball game...but I was never so openly rude to adults. I may or may not be here long enough to see my son fully grown but by golly he will have manners and respect or I will beat his ass.
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KID, I am so sorry about your sleep (or more appropriately, lack thereof). It is hard enough getting back on track without someone being unnecessarily a pain in the ass. I have little patience for this kind of nonsense. He’s insulted because his snoring kept you awake and you did the reasonable thing for both of you by going to another bed??? The other choice would have been waking him up, so neither of you would get sleep. That makes so much sense....seriously, this is unnecessary stress. You need your rest. Do what it takes to get it.
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Get a recorder going when he starts snoring. We sleep in separate rooms. I leave my door open so Spookie can get to the pee pad if she needs it. He shuts his door because *I* snore. And he doesn’t?? Funny boy!! I used to tickle his mustache so he would lick his lips and stop. And if that didn’t work, a well aimed elbow or knee did
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Kidi919, sleep is a health issue and not getting enough good sleep can cause so many problems beyond tiredness! I would often sleep in the spare room until our son moved back in but it was still a hassle moving my alarm clock and anything else every time I slept in there. I have used a white noise machine that helped me not hear him when he came home and came to bed (he works swing so comes to bed about4 am) but it did not drown out the snoring. I now use the alarm on my Apple Watch instead of an alarm clockwhen I need to get up early and I wear earplugs. It’s not ideal - sometimes they’re annoying - but it’s so much better than not sleeping! I feel so much better rested and better able to deal with my disease and all the crap that comes with it. It took me a while to find a solution that works for me and I hope you find one that works for you - SOON! No more lost sleep!
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Try to have a sleep test done as it could be sleep apnea. My DH has a dental appliance that treats it and no more snoring. I found out I have it too. I feel so much better being treated. I still think it came from the rads. I feel so much less tired. Hope that helps.
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Chiming in on the sleep issue. My husband is a world class snorer, and I am the world's lightest sleeper. Not a good combo. I struggled for years with feeling angry that I wasn't getting enough sleep, and of course sleep deprived, and he was super hurt that I didn't want to sleep with him.
But that's where we are--I sleep in our bedroom, he sleeps in the guest bedroom across the hall. I can still hear him sometimes, even over the fan. But now I get a little more sleep and best of all, don't wake up angry w/ him because I couldn't sleep. I think he'd tell you he sleeps better too, because I'm not shoving him, poking him, saying his name loudly to get him to stop snoring for the love of God.
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Husband and I are rarely in the bed at the same time. Someone is usually on the couch or love seat. It's a merry go round. I have been sleeping Ok if I don't get wrapped up in a Netflix series. That causes me to lose sleep so I stopped watching during the week. On a weekend if time allows I will start something in the afternoon and watch til bedtime. Husband is pretty fatigued so he is sleeping longer than he ever has in his life, but there are still times he's up every 3-4 hours.
We saw both the NP and the MO this morning. His labs were good so we are set up for cycle #6 on Monday. We discussed the sometimes severe abdominal pain that follows treatment and the neulasta shot. Also the amount of time to bounce back is getting longer. Both thought this is a side effect as it is predictable. I trust that. Hubs says he will be more proactive this cycle popping pills and keeping his bowels moving! I of course am fearful but ready. NP even suggested cutting some oxy pills in half and try them throughout the day-might take the edge off and won't back him up as quickly as taking 2 at a time? Might try this. Will also check stock of Claritin, Senecot, prune juice, etc. etc.
We have to have hope that the plan of completing #6 and a #7 AND receiving another improved scan report will allow him to have a break from chemotherapy and remain on the immunotherapy only as maintenance every 3 weeks. I pray this will happen, but also realize anything can happen. What a roller coaster of emotions.
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Thank you everyone for your support on my sleep issue. I agree he needs a sleep study, good luck getting him to one! LOL. Just got him to go to a new primary after much nagging. Had my niece who works for the dr make him an appt. After 42 + years I don't care who sleeps where as long as I can get some. Tonight I feel my problems are small compared to some so I'm going to quit my bitching!
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KIDI, everyday life's bitching is a welcome distraction for me!! Every single one of us has problems. Yes, some bigger than others, but what I like about being here is there is no judgement, no competition. I've had a very supportive experience here.
I know I've been a bit relentless posting in this particular topic almost daily. I hope no one here feels obligated in any way to respond to me just because I'm having a rough go of it. It is truly a relief to just type some feelings out and move on with my day. Please change the subject!!!
Today, I'm just scared. Daughter will be home either Sunday night of early Monday as she wants to go with her Dad for day1. I will do day 2 and 3. Our son has been taking him for his neulasta shot on day 4. Then, all hell is going to break loose. All we can do is be prepared with whatever he needs. There is also that fine line of nagging. I try not to cross it but he needs to either help himself, or let us do it. OR, possibly is he just wearing out? He is a little less verbal now. He didn't get up until 7am this morning, and when I asked about his night he didn't have much of a response. I did see his medicine box out. He had taken stuff before bed, so obviously he needed something else during the night but I do not know what it was? Can only assume joint pain. He also has some neuropathy going on too. Is Advil or Tylenol helpful for that? I'd rather track symptoms though--oh well. I refuse to nag. That's not me. I also noticed a sore of some sort on the side of his thigh. I asked about that, and he said he has one on the other leg too. That's as far as I got with that. Co-worker asked how I was since it was obvious I was on the verge of tears when I arrived at the office.
Yesterday, while attending a wake at the funeral home, my brother informed my sister and I that his mother in law probably won't make it through the weekend. I feel bad for my sister in-law. She has been running around ragged, as has her whole family. They have done a stellar job in taking care of her. I should probably cook them something this weekend and wish them some peace and relief.
I really should get back to work now. Again, my sincere thanks for listening.
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ctmbsikia, come here as often as you need to let things go. Many a time I have written something about my day or in response to a post. Most of the time I delete it as typing and seeing it met my need to let go. Occasionally, I do post it - like now.
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dh told me yesterday "to calm down"
wtaf. 29 yrs of marriage and he still pulls out the calm down phrase? Like it's ever worked before??? And all because we needed to renew my car insurance & I said I didn't really care about what changes he wanted to make to the policy. Because I *don't* actually care about it right now.
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Ctmb, sharing misery is a human thing. You know that saying, "Misery loves company?" I have always taken it to be a negative reflection that a miserable person likes to make everyone else feel miserable too. But I think that's wrong. Sitting alone with inner turmoil, agony and fear can destroy the psyche and the soul. That is why solitary confinement is such a torture. Solitude, being alone with your own thoughts, your own suffering, is truly a terrible human experience. The release valve that this page provides, the opportunity to blow it all out through your fingertips is invaluable. And while we are people scattered across huge areas of the globe and cannot get to each other's house to vacuum under the beds and wash dishes, we can listen. And we do. And I think that says something great about the willingness of the human spirit to do the right thing by their fellow humans. We all understand that writing here does not always happen for a response, but for a release. You are surrounded by thousands of people who truly get that.
Moth, I don't know if this applies or not, but Hub and I have been in the process of transferring ownership of all our vehicles into both our names. Before, I owned some, he owned some and from an estate planning perspective, this is a problem. If you do a change of ownership transfer mid cycle ICBC charges you $40 or $50 to do the paperwork. But if you make that ownership switch when you renew your insurance, I don't think they charge you for it. (don't quote me on this but I remember something about it). If Hub is asking you about this, it might be a good thing to do. In our case we usually have 8 or 9 vehicles kicking around and if one of us pops off, the other has to go through quite a bit of paperwork and death certificate producing in order to be able to sell or insure one of those vehicles. Joint ownership simplifies this a bit.
Edge and Kidi - sleep is important!
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Moth, a very insensitive thing for him to say. He's lucky you did not punch him in the face or nuts given your recent dx and everything that brings with it. He should be more sensitive to you. It would be no different if you dismissed him by saying calm down. It is an incredibly rude thing to say and I don't blame you for being so upset about. He may have his own stress to deal with but it should not be put on you. I am sorry he was such a dickhead about it. I hope posting here is helpful for you to get some of that stress out too. We all can empathize with what you are going through with a new dx, let alone it being MBC. Early or later stage, it definitely is scary and I am sorry this is happening.
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Sorry, I know this thread is more for venting than problem solving. But I just want to tell KID that I spent years and years lying awake while DH snored. When cancer treatment came along, I got even more tired. Lack of sleep is harmful. I told DH, I am not rejecting you. It is just that I MUST SLEEP. So, one of us would sleep in the guest room. But at bedtime I would often crawl in bed with him to cuddle, then slip away to my own bed. I think that helped him understand that I was not rejecting him. Finally the separation motivated him to get a sleep study and a CPAP machine. We still had some trouble because of the noise of the machine, so when we next visited the sleep doc and the CPAP guy, we asked for the quietest model. Since than we sleep in the same bed, and we both sleep better. Untreated apnea can cause the snorer to also be tired, because the snorer gets low quality sleep and actually wakes up to gasp for air. Snoring and apnea raise other health risks. So getting a machine helps you both. Approach it as a team effort. It is nobody’s fault. We both need better sleep.
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ctmbsikia I know it is so hard on our caregivers and I'm sending you hugs and love. I often think how it's much harder on my caregiver husband than it is on me, so many things in his life have changed and he's carrying more than his fair share of the workload now on top of constantly worrying about me, and he's the one who is going to have to deal with the aftermath.
It is normal for your husband to feel worn out sometimes. Non-stop treatment on top of the effects of the disease is very hard. I often go through periods of withdrawal. Sometimes I don't talk about things because I don't want my husband to worry about me, but mostly I just get tired of it all and I "hide in my cave". But I do eventually bounce back. Anti-depressants are an option if he has a hard time pulling out of it. Most of us Stage IV people have at least used them for a period of time, if not permanently.
Neuropathy is nerve damage, and requires pain medication specifically designed to address nerve pain. Advil or Tylenol won't work on nerve pain. Gabapentin (neurontin) or Lyrica are the standard meds for neuropathy. My neuropathy gets so bad that it will keep me at night if I don't keep it under control. Just had to increase my dosage again yesterday. I also take melatonin every night at my oncologists suggestion. It took a few weeks but after a while it really helped regulate my sleep patterns. Has he discussed the neuropathy with his doctor? And the sores that definitely need to be checked out?
Please look into palliative care for your husband, it's not hospice. It's a team of specialists who help not just the patient but the entire family address all of the needs of dealing with a terminal disease and they coordinate with the oncologist. They'll help him with his side effects, pain management, etc. but they can also help the entire family with psycho-social needs, spiritual needs, financial needs, help the family find the proper support they need to deal with everything.
It's really important for you to take good care of yourself too, please don't forget that!! I guilt-nag my husband by telling him that I need him to take care of himself so he can take care of me hahaha! It's the only way I can get him to think about taking care of himself when he's burning out.
Wishing you strength and peace, but always feel free to vent away when you need to, as much as you need to. That's what we're here for.
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such wisdom in these pages! Lori I love the wish for strength and peace. I wish it for all.
Runor, agree about the need and helpfulness to share and listen. As we are a support group for each other and it is better than not sharing.
Ctmbsakia, I have no words, I am just glad you share and I too wish you strength and peace.
I am struggling now myself. My second go around with breast cancer is still very recent. I am having a complete hysterectomy next week for precancerous cells they found in a uterine biopsy. So I am afraid what they may find, and I am just so dreading another surgery and recovery. And two weeks ago I ended up in emergency with what they thought was a kidney infection but turned out to be kidney stones. So trying to come to terms with everything.
Thanks for listening.
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Sorry bennybear Will keep good thoughts going your way.
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