STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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ctm, meanwhile, take care of yourself, please.
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Thank you for all your kind words. Laying in bed I think I will be asleep soon. Daughter and I have been running on pure adrenaline. My son is just keeping busy working. Just like his Dad. There’s deliveries, people, hugs, and a pandemic. We made his arrangements. Just bought a hole in the ground. Funeral home says 10 people. With masks. How the f do you grieve with a mask on? I’m having a luncheon here after. More people. Tried to tell dear friends to stop in later to space out a crowd. My sister said she won’t come for lunch and I get it! Been telling everyone in the fam do what you are comfortable with. So far it’s been ok. People coming ask before hugging, shaking hands and of course -masks. It’s so strange. My husband would have wanted a big party instead anyway so I’ll do that later when we can gather.
His older brother is local and taking it pretty hard as is his sister. He has other sibs far away. When I do the party hope they can all fly in for that. Six total. 3 brothers and 3 sisters. And his mother who is in a home-just fell, had to go to the hospital for staples in her head. Now that she left the facility she’s in quarantine for 2 weeks Thankfully she’s fine and the sibs agree to just leave her be and not tell her that her son is gone.
The NP who hubsliked called. So nice they do that. I remember my mother’s doctor calling after she passed. We love reading the messages on the funeral home web site. So nice to see how he touched other people’s lives. That’s the kind of stuff you need right now. My fear is that when right now is over it’s all going to kick in. I will get through. So glad I have a place to talk about it.
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Prayers for you and your family during this time climbiskia.
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ctmbsikia
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I am angry how that cop killed an unarmed man not resisting arrest in handcuffs unable to get air on the ground! Last almost 2 minutes that the shit was told no pulse, he decided to continue the neck hold. If that isn't intent.... :x
#justiceforGeorgeFloyd
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Thank you, bennybear and beaverntx...your words are comforting. And bennybear, a pox on the head of your boss who took away your job, but glad you found something else and are in a better place.
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Artista928 completely 100% agree.
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Derrick's wife has filed for divorce and is taking the kids. God willing he will be sent to prison and won't have a home to go back to.
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ctm, I am sending hugs and prayer and love to the universe to wrap you in comfort during this very, very difficult time. The energy of love from this board is so palpable and I hope it gives you some solace during this difficult time.
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ctmbsikia WOW! what a difference in the houses. Water looks beautiful and peaceful. I hope you get many days of enjoyment there.
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My son and husband's cousins went down to the beach on Sunday. They informed the owners that hubby died and that we would like to finish the job for him. Cousin should be by next week to give me a gate key and hopefully we will get it done. I'm not ready to think about how that's going to happen exactly yet.
I've been surprisingly calm. Filed a life insurance claim yesterday, daughter and I organized a list of acknowledgements to start sending out. I am back to working from home today. Not sure if I will return to the office next week or not, but if my daughter goes back to her place I probably will. Not sure I want to be here alone. It will also depend on how I feel.
I was/am being a bit paranoid over covid having been around people over the last week or so, and in and out of the hospital for 3 days. I think it's all the flowers and plants that have arrived (there's at least a dozen) -it's probably hay fever. I've never had allergies really bad or anything, but I have felt feverish and sore throat comes and goes for days. Cleaned out my right ear this morning. No temperature, I take it almost daily. My bones ache more than usual. I could lay down and nap right now. I guess this also could be grief. I don't want to feel like this everyday, I will go insane. Just took 2Tylenol. I am sleeping at night, thank goodness. I only feel good when I first get up. It's all down hill from there. Once all these flowers die guess I'll know that they were the cause.
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ctmbsikia
You're probably running on automatic right now but your adrenaline is pooping out before the rest of your body. I've had a constant runny nose for months so maybe pollen is worse than usual, plus our exposure to it has been different thanks to Covid precautions.
I'm glad you're able to sleep. Perhaps part of you had been going through the mourning and grief process for a long time, so it's hitting you in a different way than you expected. I hope your good memories will balance out the pain. ❤❤❤
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ctmbsikia, you must be exhausted. With everything you've gone through over the past months, with your husband's illness and health decline, with the anxiety over Covid-19 particularly given all the exposure you've had to other people, with the stress of your husband's death and everything that has to be done in the aftermath, and with the grief... it's one thing piling on top of another. It's no wonder you feel feverish and achy and tired.
Your number 1 job now is to take care of yourself. Sleep or lie down when you feel like it. Cry if you feel like it. Don't push yourself to do any more than what must be done, unless you get a burst of energy and feel up to it. Eat healthy, but treat yourself. Be good to yourself. You deserve it and it's the best thing you can do for yourself.
Sending you strength and comfort through the cyber system.0 -
I had a left mastectomy without reconstruction 2 weeks ago. My aunt asked my mom if I had a bilateral mastectomy. I don't think it's any of my aunt's business exactly what I had done surgically. Someone wanting to know how many breasts I have is not concerned about me; they are just being nosy. I hope I don't run into her for a very long time.
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I know she was concerned about you and imagine right now you are very sensitive about it. I was very much as well. I had my left only done because I wanted one side to still be "me" at least. That was my feeling. Other ladies choose to remove both due to family history or other risk factors. It is family and try to remember it probably came from love and not just being nosey.
I actually got MORE irritated at my family who refused to get mamos because they thought they "hurt" which is ridiculous if you think about it. CANCER and the effects of that hurt way more.
Hang in there!!!!
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Wishing you a speedy recovery Dec. and that reconstruction goes well.
Just have to tell you that my mother in-law who resides in a skilled living facility has fallen. Twice. During this lockdown. They took her to the hospital both times, first one was for staples in her head, and 2 days ago she just had surgery for a small fracture on her hip. She may return to same facility later today which is also a rehab and we'll see what happens. I was wondering if maybe hubby is calling her home so he can take care of her in heaven? I'm worried about her. Hubs brother is her POA and is doing an OK job with all that, but it's tough. His sister also having a rough time.
Back in October when we went into the ER, while they admitted hubs I packed up his things and I'll never forget the 1st business card I pulled out of his wallet (just being curious) was from the funeral home. I thought, where did this come from? Then I remembered he and his brother had met with them and she does already have her arrangements handled and paid for. Freaky. We'll see how she does. Just something else to worry about.
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Will keep all in my prayers.
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Ctmbsikia So very sorry to see that your husband passed away. You are in my thoughts. Take care of yourself.
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ctmbsikia
Aw, not more family health issues! You've had enough of that. Hoping the best for your mother-in-law. And for you, as always.
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Was looking at my calendar for June and still trying to catch up on things. Hope to start writing some thank you cards this weekend, go get some stamps, and seems my 6 month follow up with oncology is the 15th, so should go get lab work done next week as well.
In double checking I have the right date, time, etc. I see in my portal that this appointment is with a different Dr. and one I don't know. At all. Can't say I'm real happy about this!!! They probably had to do this due to covid and all the rescheduling they had to do these last couple of months. I had a dream right after hubs passed that they called and I told them I wasn't coming back!! HA ! I do need to take care of myself, but can I tell you I'm a little pissed off!? A total stranger, and a male at that-not that that really bothers me, I just like my MO. At least I am well versed in all this stuff. I'm also scheduled the BS who hasn't released me yet in Sept, so I don't want to reschedule in trying to keep these appts. a little more spread out. Plus I am due for a Prolia shot that day too. I do still have appointment fatigue and the anxiety has already begun. (insert swear word here!)
Thank you everyone, for listening.
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I decided to still work from home this week. Not ready to deal with actual people. Had more company and food come on Saturday. Got rid of some flowers, did some re-arranging and hung some of them to dry. Maybe will make a wreath with them. Thinking I can re cycle all the vases back to the florist? I was unmotivated to do anything yesterday other than some work in the garden with my sister in law who came over and helped. The rest of the day I did nothing. Didn't answer any calls either. Woke up super early this morning and did some work for work before everyone logged on to compile end of month reports. My daughter is here and still asleep.
I keep seeing him die. Over and over and over. It's such a beautiful day yet I feel like doing nothing and wonder why am I still here? I want to get some motivation back to wash clothes, dishes, floors, but I'm just not feeling it. Also trying not to think about his stuff. I'll get the thank you cards out and worry about it later. I guess there's no time limit, but worried will doing stuff like that make me feel better or worse? Going to be a sucky day. Will try and go out later and do some more work outside for some therapy. I've cleaned my right ear out twice with peroxide and there's still noise in there, so I guess it's stress. Since most all the flowers are dead, my throat and chest feels much better now, normal. Thankful for that at least.
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ctm, give yourself the time and effort to do the griefwork that you need to do in the way you need to do it. Move at your own pace. Deal with his things when you are ready to do that, there is no "right" schedule .
Most of all, take care of your self, please.
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ctm - I remember when my husband died I was so tired and didn't want to do anything. Grieving is very tiring. There is no set time for you to do anything. You go through your husbands things when you are ready. This just happened, you need time.
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Took my mom over a year to go through my dads stuff.
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ctm, we are so sorry for what you are going through. Grief can be brutal. You are not alone. Do you have a grief counselor who can help, or a support group? Thinking of you
The Mods
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Ctm, please be kind and patient with yourself. Don't think you have to feel a certain way or do things in any particular order. Grief is one time to allow yourself to be a bit Zen in the early days and kind of go with the flow.
I saw two extremes in my family: my Dad died a few days before Christmas, and Mom seemed to resent that her plans were upset. She even went Christmas shopping while he was being cremated. It took me a while to get past that, and to realize that the only way she could cope was by staying busy every waking minute. On the other hand, when my uncle died, my aunt joined a grief group. Good for the short term, but she became a grief junkie and all she did for a few years was go to funerals and latch on to newer bereaved people to absorb their sadness. But she ultimately made some good friends. So there is no one way to handle it.
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Ctm you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of you Xo
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When a life changing event happens it takes a lot of time and energy to absorb it and the repercussions. Personally I think grief counselling is very helpful but start with individual counselling. Full disclosure I ran grief support groups.
But most of all Give yourself time and permission to do what YOU need to do. You will make peace with this but it is still very early days. I think we revisit an important event until we are able to absorb it and move forward. It’s okay to think and talk about your husbands death. Just find a trusted friend or place to do so.
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Ctmb, I wish I could just hug you and then sit down for a long talk over a pot of coffee.
I know it's not the same as losing a partner, but I watched my dad die. I was right there beside him, looking into his face as he struggled to breathe and then....didn't. And I waited. I shook his arm. "Dad? Dad?" A nurse bustled in looking at a clipboard and I stammered, "he's not breathing!" She went through all her nurse moves, then very kindly told me he was gone. I had just turned 27. I was not ready to be without my dad. My mom was very worried that I was going to go off the deep end having watched my beloved father die. But quite the contrary. It saved me.
I needed to be there. It was a final attendance, that ultimate accountability that I felt in my soul was my duty and I did it. I showed up for the task. It was pure luck. I might have missed it. I had been with him earlier in the day, watching him be a curled, suffering ball of incoherent agony. I had gone to a friend's house after visiting him. I was drained. His misery and his uncontrolled pain were a human indignity that was vile and repulsive to witness. I said to my friend that despite how ragged I felt, I felt like I needed to go back to the hospital and she said GO! Go now! Get there now if something is telling you to go. GO! So I did and he died about 40 minutes later. And I was there. Thank god I was there.
Ctmb, death is stupid. It's a very stupid invention. How can people just be...gone? Forever? How can someone who was warm and alive and opinionated and funny and angry with crazy hair and a nutty sense of humour just vanish? I needed to see dad die in order to believe it was real. Like you, I saw it over and over again. I cried. I miss him to this day, 30 years later. But in the middle of that grief and anger over how stupid death is, I also had peace. Yes, grief and peace can exist in the same space. What I had feared most had happened, but I feared even more not being there, not being with him, missing the chance to bend over him and say, Dad, I love you. I got to do all that. And I was okay.
Maybe you think that grief is all you are allowed to feel right now. Grief and utter exhaustion and bewilderment and lack of motivation , yes, all of those are on the menu for you. But so is peace. You can have that too. It is over. The bad thing has happened. Everything is different. Uncertain. But in spite of it all, you will be okay. It's okay to not be okay. It's also okay to be okay. I kind of think you are okay. I know you are so sad and in for some really jarring and brutal moments. But you also strike me as solid, okay, at peace, sad but centered, whole. You are all those things. Hugs.
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