STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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I can tell you my older sister seems to ask for it, she see's how much she can get away with, knowingly. Passive Aggressive? She said she is more likely to die of a sudden heart attack but she'd rather have that then cancer. I'm trying to make sense of that?
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Being pushed into oncoming traffic is also sudden and not like cancer. Maybe remind your sister of that.
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Good one
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I love this thread, all of you and every word in here. Thanks for completing my broken holes with smiles, laughter and that feeling that finally, someone gets you.
My good friend and neighbor told me, "See, at least with cancer you get the treatments and/or surgery and you are cured. But with my Crohn's, that is something I have to deal with and struggle with every day."
I was too stunned and offended to reply. So I guess my failed right implant that was removed and now I am lopsided unless I wear a bra with prosthesis which weighs down my neck which I had surgery on in February and still gives me pain is not something I struggle with every day.
When I keep my clothes on during sex and change when my husband isn't around, guess that is nothing to deal with. Or the lasting fatigue after having 4 surgeries in 5 months this year, no biggie. So much so that I decided to take a break from surgery this year and spend time with my hubby and little ones when I am not so exhausted by work, and to allow my neck and right previously multi-infected non-foob to heal while trying to figure out if I will go to the only extremes left for me: go big (diep) or go small (totally flat), saying F it.
Guess I don't struggle every morning when I put on the baggy scrub tops for work to hide my one-boobedness, and totally cringe when thinking of getting in the bathing suit or sweating more with the prosthesis during the summer.
And all of this "my Crohn's is worse than your cancer" crap yet I'm quite sure the disgusting junk she eats and multiple cigarettes don't have a direct effect on the sensitivity of her GI tract. (Sarcasm)
Most recently my Creatinine was increasing for an unknown reason except for a UTI that started it all off. So this good friend is like a sister to me really. And we are taking her and her family to Florida for thanking them for always watching our kids during the cancer treatments and multiple surgeries and ER visits. They have been there for us more than our own families. She said she was worried about me for the trip (I guess because of this recent pain and infection). I said, well don't be-there are ERs down there, too. She said lol smart ass, I still worry. So I said "Well don't. Like you said, my cancer is gone right? You have Crohn's you deal with every day." (yeah, I threw it right back at her). She said hahaha ok ok ok ;-)
On my birthday (which was in July) a co-worker wished me happy birthday. I said, thanks, I used to hate getting older until I was close to death. Now I am just grateful to make it another year. She said, "Yeah well I could get hit by a car tomorrow. We all could die at anytime". Later I told her "way to diminish what I have gone through and minimize how close I was to death" and she said "oh no I didn't mean to. When you started talking about it, I just can't even think about it. I don't want to think about the idea of you dying at all." That made me feel better but how can she not see the arrogance and lack of sensitivity initially?
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That is the worst, the ole my dx is worse than yours. Some of us struggle more than others, across all diseases. It's not all medical but psychological, your environment your in, your fam, financial, etc. That's why you can't compare with the raw stuff you know about in another person. Lots of stuff you can't know how it is for the other person even if they have the exact same disease.
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Things people say?
How about this? "YOU CAN BEAT THIS" stated with an intense looking face with a smile on it coming from a (newish) friend. My friend's tagline is that phrase now and she sent me a get better card with the same words included in it. I really like her but, I don't know what to tell her when she says that. Maybe it's just me.
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Sweetp, I don't see anything wrong with that statement. It's positive and what we say to each other on BCO all the time!
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I don't like the you can beat this from people who don't have/never had cancer. It implies like I have control over it which I don't. I can do everything "right" and still progress. But on these boards it's a bit different, though I still don't care for the slogan.
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So, should people say you're doomed, get over it, or just keep silent? It is normal for people who care about others to try and be positive.
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BB, I use that quite a bit (sorry). I've been stage IV for 7 years now, it is my normal. Having one breast is completely normal to me. It is all just part of my daily life now.
Artista, some people don't realise what they are saying, I'm sure words just fall out of their mouth, totally bypassing the brain LOL. My stepdaughter does this thing where she asks DH how I am. He says, she is doing ok, but having some pain in her (insert body part here), and her response every single time is "Oh I get that all the time too". It drives him crazy, I just laugh.
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Freya, that response seems to be based on her fear, for you. She's trying to minimize your pain, in order to disconnect it from cancer. I know it's irritating, but entirely well intended, usually.
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Pupmom, I prefer someone ask me how I am, and actually listen to the response.
It is an awkward thing, and I understand that people don't know what to say, and the ol "think positive" thing is an easy fallback. It doesn't mean that it can't annoy us though.
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We need to talk with those people and be up front about what offends us. Otherwise nobody will change, because they completely do not get where we're coming from.
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Anyhow...........my rant for the day. I will start by saying that I love and adore my husband..........but he does this one thing that drives me totally and utterly crazy. It's those little things that send you over the edge LOL.
He always, and I mean always, leaves about a spoonful of food in any container. So if I cook something for dinner, he will leave a spoonful in the saucepan/frypan. If it's leftovers in the fridge, he will leave a spoonful in the container. A tub of ice cream, you guessed it, a spoonful left. Scrambled eggs for breakfast, a spoonful left.
I've asked him about it...........I was full, or I left it for you. I'm not buying it.
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Freya, why do you think he does this? Maybe he heard too many childhood stories about all the starving kids in Africa?
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Just have to briefly add my 2 cents here. When someone who knows about my diagnosis tells me not to waste my time worrying about how it could kill me because, like everyone else, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow, I say "I already have been hit by a bus. Breast cancer was the bus that hit me."
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My theory is that he just doesn't want to rinse out the container and put it in the dishwasher.............or it's some weird childhood thing. Who knows. If that is the only thing I have to complain about, I'm a lucky woman. I may bite my tongue off, but I'm a lucky woman LOL.
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Yeah, if that's as bad as it gets, you are a lucky woman! Funny how we all do such silly stuff.
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Oops - sorry I inserted my comment at the wrong time - in midst of an ongoing unrelated topic.
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Keepsake, never a wrong time
I'm sorry I missed your post.Makes you wonder how many people actually get run over by buses, everyone seems to use that analogy.
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I'd rather hear something like sorry to hear, I wish you well. Good luck. For people closer to me, is there anything I can do to help (why yes, can you help me with my laundry or whatever because the severe fatigue/pain/whatever is sucking my energy out), I'm here for you, I'll listen to you if you just need to vent, etc. These responses are the best. Maybe some folks like the cheerleader thing but I for one can't stand it. Couldn't before cancer and certainly not now.
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I came within six inches from getting run over by a bus first day in SF many years ago.
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In the USA in the year 2015, 80 pedestrians and 9 bicyclists were killed in bus crashes. (1)
In that same year in the USA, 40,290 women died of breast cancer. (2)
1. National Highway Traffic Safety Administration table 19 at fmcsa.dot.gov
2. American Cancer Society Surveillance Research 2015 at cancer.org This source did not say how many men died of bc.
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In the UK in the year 2012, there were 449 pedestrian-bus collisions and 107 cyclist-bus collisions. (1)
In the UK in the year 2014, there were around 55,200 new cases of invasive breast cancer.
1. "London buses 'hit two pedestrians or cyclists a day' " BBC news 2 April 2013 bbc.com
2. Cancer Research UK breast cancer statistics cancerresearchuk.org
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But, Shetland Pony, how many got thrown under the bus?
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Ah, you have me stumped, pupmom. Guess I'll have to surrender my keyboard.
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I would guess there were some husbands that bailed
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Not a chance! We need you to keep us honest here!
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Here's my contribution.....one "friend" shared as she walked away, "Oh, don't worry, God's got this."
Got what? Breast cancer? I'm confused....does the supreme deity actually have mammary glands?
Or was she speaking metaphorically? Was she implying that God has contol of my situation? Does that mean He LET ME GET THIS? Or worse yet, GAVE me this? A loving God would allow me or any of us to go thru the endless suffering of Stage IV cancer?
Bringing God into this so flippantly just really upset me. I would certainly hope that He didn’t point a mighty, celestial finger at me and say, "You've been bad, Lita! I will now give you metastatic cancer right from the gate so you will suffer greatly and die!"
Just tell me you're sorry and wish me the best.
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I think there is a world of difference between "you can BEAT this" and "you can DO this."
The truth is that I don't know if I can beat it. No one does. I never went to one single appointment thinking that I was going to beat cancer. That was too broad a goal. No. Instead I focused on the step right in front of me. What I had to get through that day. The biopsy or the needle guide or the lumpectomy or the meeting with the oncologist. One step at a time, one hurdle at a time, I told myself, you can DO this. Yes, I am scared, but I can DO this. It's going to hurt, but I can DO this. I don't want to have surgery and radiation but I will DO this.
All of us show up and DO what we DO without any guarantee of success, which makes us some tough cookies, if you ask me. Showing up is, to me, so much more the immediate goal. Can I beat this? I don't have a friggin clue. Can I DO this? Yes. I have. I am. One step at a time I am DOING what I can. I wish people understood the difference in those two statements. What if I don't beat it? Do I die feeling that I let everyone down who expected me to beat it? Telling someone they can beat it is meant well, but it adds a burden to perform and not disappoint. Telling someone they can DO this sounds, to me, more supportive. We should all get a prize for just showing up for this shit!
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