STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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Yea, that crap of "appreciate life". Well, I was appreciating well enough before cancer. Now, not so much.
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Not for nothing, I would get depressed watching St. Jude and other cancer commercials before, now forget about it. It's like they are on every other commercial reminding me, I don't need any help with reminders. Wish I could program my own commercials, they would be only of food and booze on a tropical island so i could picture myself there.
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Runor, I get it. When you said... "But when people ask how I am I do not say, " I am tied to a train track, we know the train is coming, we've heard the whistle and seen the steam rising from the stack, now I'm just waiting for it to run me over entirely and cut me in half but really, other than that, I pretend to be fine. So, yeah, I'm fine, I'm great. My boob has healed from surgery and radiation mostly, I'm taking my Tamoxifen and still tied to the train track. But I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.""
I am dealing with Stage iv, also autoimmune diseases of hypothyroid, lupus, scleroderma (esophagus, lungs it seems, to be determined from tests) Sjorgen's. All chronic, none will ever let up. Add one head on collision right after I got on my feet from cancer back in Feb 2015, knocked on my arse for 12 months then the cancer came back with a vengeance right where the airbags hit me. Hubby had just retired, we had money to travel and live like we wante. But that accident and cancer took all my energy, focus, hope, creativity, sense of well being, interest in anything but getting better. Then the autoimmune diseases kicked it up due to the drugs and radiation. I sit here trying to stabilize my emotions and hope and mental energy when I can barely walk across the house without suffering.
Could have done without the cancer. Could have done without the head on collision. Could have done without the autoimmune diseases that wipe out your everything too. Could have done without the division where I worked (online sales) closing and taking my livelihood. Now I don't see how I will ever get to the UK to see my daughter but man no that is in the future, so why worry about that.
Oh the stories I could tell. And someday I will, one at a time.
That time lapse for memory, scary stuff for you Jumpship. We're supposed to be grateful for the drugs and the chance to live another month or year or decade. But most of the last two years I could have missed. My only hope now is a rheumatologist to get me through the suffering from the autoimmune which overlaps with the cancer and one cannot tell which is which or what to do. This doctor seems to looking at me like a wonderful puzzle to solve and for that I AM grateful.
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Bluebird, wow. I read posts like yours and wonder where people find the will to open their eyes every morning and carry on. Yet we do. I hope your puzzle solving doc works you up like a Rubik's cube and gets you living the very best you can. Fingers crossed for some positive news for you.
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I sit and look around my house, I have lived here 19 years. Ever since I was diagnosed I sit in my living room and look at each and everything that is mine. What does it matter that is it mine now? I can't imagine this home and my not coming home to it. I raised two kids and a step son in this house, how can it be, that someday I won't be here to even use my own belongings?Everything is so familiar, but seems so strange now that it hurts me to even think of a memory at any given time. Or god forbid I am in a store that has a song that holds some memories from my well times. I worry I'll see people I know because I also feel like they are now strangers,because they aren't sick. They can't possibly get it. Even just listening about the eclipse. All the hoopla surrounding it,should I look.?? The next one is a while away, what if you're not here anymore? I live exhausted all the time and the other half Is Spent sweating heat flashes, and fearing any tiny pain anywhere. Or the slightest headache. Or twitch. I want to continue to live or fight even though it's not a battle. It's living cancer. But somedays. I don't want to feel so sick, it's not pain. But the feeling of having the worst flu you have ever imagined, that just doesn't go away. I plan things in my mind to do during the day when I am laying in bed. But I never do any of them. I want too. I honestly do. I just can't. My bones are creaky now that the cancer has moved in. Now I realize why they are always asking me if I have fallen. I used to think they thought I was an idiot. Now i realize. It's because your balance is truly non existent any longer. My hair has grown back, not the long thick straight hair I had. But the complete opposite of what I had and loved. But why should it come back the way I want it too? Nothing else associated with this cancer has! Par for my not to successful course. I look at myself in the mirror. And I am alone in this room of cancer. I have tremendous support and love from my precious DH. But when I go through blood work and that viscous chemo that they delightfully bring to you in a hazmat suit and tell you to relax. I am alone. When I dream or cry myself to sleep. I am alone. When the grim reaper decides to come for me. I will be alone. Cancer is a lonely disease to which there are no words to express the hell that one feels, from that horrible day of diagnosis to the hour glass of our lives that hold the sands of the time I have left. No one deserves this. No one.
Blue~ I would offer some uplifting slogan or phrase. But I am not inthe bullsh*tting business. You got a crap ass deal and I am sorry that you are going through this. I truly am. I will add you to my prayers. I wish I could offer the answer we all need in just four little letters. Cure...... that's all we need....... ~M~
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in so much pain today. Low rbc's have caused macrocytic anemia and very low blood pressure leading to intracranial hypotension, causing horrible throbbing headaches and dizziness.
Daughter came home from date and just brought me her old Tinky winky doll to cheer me up a bit. Priceless.
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I am sooo glad that this forum is here. I don't want to sound like a B&*ch- however- I just may. No buts here. Its been a total SH*T year for me. My husband 'broke up' with me on October 21, 2016. I never should have married him as I now see so many red flags. He filed a Bankrupcty and bragged about it. While we were first dating he had to bring his groceries over because his ELECRICITY got turned off. And my stupid ass let him bring his food over to store in my fridge.( I've know him since I was 15 now).
The reality of it is I wanted to leave the relationship many times, but I was stuck finacially and like a complete dumb-ass, moved out of state, bought a house only in my name because his credit sucked and married him. I resented him a drank too much. He had a 4 month affair I found out about after he'd left me in 2013 and came back. Bottom line I never got over it. Time and time again I let him put stuff on CC to the total debt of 37K! DUMMY. He finally moved out in December because I stupidly let a co-worker convince me to make him move out. I was mean to him and heartless. That I take complete responsibiltiy for.
This chick seemed okay although I didnt really know her that well. I felt bad for her when she said her own sister was saying awful things like,' you walk around like the world owes you ', and ' you never clean up after yourself or your daughter' (2 years old amlost 3). I was like, OMG that's awful, we can have an all girls house, it'll be great. Never got a security deposit, nor a written agreement. My mistake, all mine. She'd asked me what my credit score was initally thinking the house was his. Let's just say you dont know somebody will you live with them. She had no respect for me or my home, Used all my cleaning prodcuts, paper towels, expensive shampoo, facial moisurizer and walked around naked. Her 3 YO dropped my 19 year old cat and he lost his balance falling down the stairs and died 1 week later.
Then had the BALLS to screw this dude and try to move his unemployed ass and his kid in. They were always in my living room or my dining room whcih only had 4 chairs, so I basically hid in my room. She stopped paying rent and said she was going to pay weekly and never did. She had her crap in my house and refused to move it out. I'd been depressed becuase I had gotten suspended from work and she said ," God Dona, it could be worse , you could have cancer. I don't know what you're so upset about" totally turning her narcissistic self into the center of attention because her mom passed away last year of cancer. B**CH, I DO and DID have cnacer!!! What an ASS. Her own sister said those awful things to her because they were true. I had been with my hsuband for 15 years. so yeah, I think I had a right to be upset. SO I wised up, found official document I could give her, changed the locks and put her SH*T on the porch. I even bagged up the trash she'd left and put it with her stuff. Yes I did put a tarp over it. I wish I didn't, but my stupid ass seeems to always give people the benefit of the doubt and 2nd, 3rd, &4th undeserved chances because, honestly, I don't know. Yes I do, its because I'm deathly afraid to be alone. Especially dying alone, like my mom did. That was hard to admit, but I'm about done with playing nice and not being honest with myself and others.
SO I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO PAY MY cc'S HAVE CREDITORS AND LAW OFFICES CALLING ME NOW. YES , I will be filing my own bakruptcy.
ANd now to the whole HER2 + & ERPR+ DX. My boobs have ALWAYS been the most sexually arousal point I've ever had, and now its either Lumpectomy (I HOPE) or MS. And I've Had sex 2x in the last 18 months and it wasn't with my husband. I went in to have a urethral sling placed in March to stop my stress incontinence and ended up with a hysterectomy instead. 3 giant fibroids were basically compressing my uterus. No wonder we had 4 failed IUI's. Oh, I hadn't mentioned that we(meaning I ) spent 10K on fertiltiy treatments.... no baby. Now I'm faced with getting my ovaries out (YIPPIE FREAKING SKIPPY) I mean I feel so scared I'll NEVER have sex agian- I meam who wants a dried up old hoo-ha anyway?!?!?!? I'm pissed, scared, angry, terrified, confused, anxious about getting so sick from my TX ( tomorrow is round 2 of TCHP). I did wise up and find a new group of doctors to go to and I do have confidence in them.... so far. At least this time I'm getting prescribed medication (dexamethasone to take the night before 1st TX nothing and my initial carboplatin dose was too high) and hopefully less SE than the last time. I lost 21 lbs in 14 days. Yes, I'll admit I'm waaayyy overweight, but that isnt the way I wanted to lose it. I gave up drinking alcohol pre chemo and as sick as I was last week with the starvation stools, dehydration and blacking out and falling, I don't think I ever will poison myself with alcohol again considering what this chemo is doing to my liver, spleen and kidneys.
I am not religious whatsoever. People say oh you're so strong, If they only knew. As sick as I was a scared, and alone, I welcomed death. Today is a different day, yes. I am getting sick of happy go lucky phoneys and I want to punch people in the face who say, 'oh you'll get through it" I'm like really, actually take my life right now, just take it, and see if you say that SH&T TO ME AGAIN!!! At least my husband who bought his own house with my 720 credit score said he will keep me on his health insurance until this is all over.
Thank you for letting me vent and hoefully, not lose my mind.
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Lita, I'm sorry you are in so much pain.
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Lila and Micmel, Freya and everyone, how I wish that one word, Cure, could just be said and it would happen.
Ginger, that's a a lot of crap b'shit you had going down and add the Bitch of cancer , all the well meaning words can't change it. It's like people say oh just take a deep breath and relax, or this too shall pass, what do I have a cold? Gas pains? Want to scream STFU! Don't you think Iv'e tried this all before. Tell me something I have'nt heard before please. I don't know what lies ahead, I'm still finding out but do know it's not a bump in the road, cancer is a major multi life threatening life altering many times multi diagnosis pile up that's not always easy or possible to get aroun
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Micmel. Yes. Yes. Horribly, horribly yes. I have no words. Just, yes. I am so sorry.
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Micmel - Never thought about not being here, I right off finished decorating my living room so Hubby would have a nice space he would like and now I am still here 4 years after the furniture arrived. But that empty spot that will be left and he has to deal with - and my dear dog - that hurts and angers me.
Runor and Micmel - thanks - I think he will, he already acknowledged mixed connective tissue disease with some of many diseases (lupus, scleroderma, Sjorgens) expressing themselves, some having more fun than others with my body. And he said my high RNP had to be taken seriously, has ordered test for the worst hat can happen in case heart is being affected and will work way back from there. Runor, you are right, some days I don't want to get up but every single day I get up and dress and go for coffee or brunch. I have to. Then home to get dinner and deal with things. And learn more. Other days I am at a medical appointment, no where else. But I always leave the house. Do or die.
Lita - wow - that's one to know about ahead of time, isn't it. No wonder you have been suffering so. Don't the labs get done every two weeks? If not they need to be and taken seriously. Could you have a stroke from this? !!! What is being done? Iron? other?
Gingernurse D - That's the thing about life - we live and learn (hopefully, right) and have to let go the past so we can deal with the crap of the present. But how?! When I am so angry at everything, I have yet to get through so many obstacles from the past, I just don't know.
I did begin an "A*^hole File" some years back. So people like doctors, attorneys, environmental protection agents who don't do their job, real estate agents, furniture sales people who did wrong could be pushed out of my mind but not forgotten...... I labeled it and stick the name and offense in the file, then know someday I will be back to deal with them but I don't have to think about them right now. And I have a few new names to add.
But some things I just cannot let go. Most of it has to do with the cancer and the medical professionals who did not listen or relay messages and who even lied and I ended up with a wild case of cancer of all lymph nodes and in a wheelchair.
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My twit step son sent me a text basically saying I ruin things for him and his brothers because my DH won't go places without me. The past few months I've been on deaths door and in a freaking wheelchair. Let's just leave her home so we can go have fun. Hopefully I live a lot longer just for spite. Christmas just got s ton easier. So over all of them!
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DianaRose- I hope your DH kicks his son's ass for that! What the hell?? One less Christmas present to worry about for sure! I'm so angry for you! :X
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Someone mentioned the eclipse. I was telling a good friend that I basically saw nothing because of weather here (and we were on the outside of really seeing anything good) and she tells me that my area is in the path of totality in 2024. My reply? "There is a very large chance that I will not be here in 2024 to see it."
It's very sad to know that that is probably a fact. And it pisses me off. I've been dealing with fucking cancer over a decade. I've beaten the outdated odds of longevity. But I want to be here and in decent enough health to enjoy that 2024 eclipse, dammit.
JJ
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I said the same thing to my son...I probably won't be here for that eclipse in 2024. He immediately says yes you will. I told him I'm 65 now...7 more years with lung mets..I doubt it. I just try to prepare them.
I'm angry I probably will never hold a grandchild. I can't imagine the terror the younger women feel with their young kids.
Just Cure It
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Bluebird and the rest of you dear ladies, I've just been punched in the face. I was SOOO confident about this new PET scan, but the results are in and they are bad. MAJOR PROGRESSION. More bone mets, new mets on pancreas and on abdominal wall, aorta involvement, femur, illiac, and the piece de resistance, I need a brain MRI.
As soon as I told MO about head pain, spots in front of eyes, ear noises, etc., her face dropped.
I am beyond angry at effin' Mr. Cancer. I am numb.
Taking medical marijuana tonight so I can try to sleep. Starting Taxol in 2 wks.
Trying not to freak out for the sake of my mentally ill daughter. We don't need this right now, but oh well. Mr. Cancer waits for no one.
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this makes me cry as it's so true. We at the rawest point of this disease are alone. It sucks that this has happens and sadly it seems so far in my experience, only those who are stricken with it understand. cancer is an asshol
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Lita- it broke my heart to read your post this morning! So sorry for the dam progression. You have always been one of the most positive people on these threads so when people tell me stay positive I just want to choke the life out of them!!!! People who have no idea should say nothing! You are in my prayers sweetie
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Arista- my hubby wouldn't say shit to his rotten kids if he had a mouth full. They don't like me because they are always looking for daddy to give or loan them money and since we have been married that doesn't happen anymore. They just use and use. It makes me angry.
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Lita~I am certainly not giving up on hoping the next tool in the box, won't be the one to help kick that cancer back!
It really adds another layer to the hatred I have for something I am not able to control. Cancer, So many, sooooo many people occupy these boards. We come here because it's some where we belong, it's not feeling the odd stares, or unwanted comments like Dianarose' un needed, undeserving comment from what is supposed to be family. Many good people suffer alone,many surrounded by a family or many friends. I can't imagine why anyone would want to say anything at all actually. Other than maybe I am sorry, or bring a hot meal over to the house. We are ignored,almost sometimes forgotten by those who claimed to love us, or have befriended us when we could keep up with the jones'. Some relationships have deepened. Others never really existed in the first place for them to falter over something so terribly scary. There is not a day go by that I am not mad-sad-numbed-still in shock-distraught-hopeful-furious all in one day. The why me's still hold a good portion of thoughts. Then others try to shut it out, hoping I can be one of the lucky ones who can thrive. Deep down I know I am not thriving. I am exsisting. I can make as many memories as I want. It still doesn't change the fact, that at some point a lot earlier than I would have ever thought, I won't be making any more. I am a lure, at the end of a fishing pole, the bait, wiggling and hanging out there alone. Just waiting and knowing soon the big fish is going to snag me right off of my lifeline into the dark waters of something no one can even tell me about. To me I don't know what that is. We all don't. But it scares me. I don't want to leave my precious DH, or my beautiful children, that I am watching turn into adults, that is what I call living. The ability to live and love until an old age, where allOf your most important life plans were made and lived because you actually got to see them happen. I don't want to live for the day I am in. I want to know that I will grow old and see the happy things that I worked so hard for take fruition. It's not a million dollars or gold jewelry, it's seeing my kids be independent and find their people, so that I may Rest In Peace at an old age knowing. I lived my life until all my things were done. Not living my life in fear of dying Tomorrow! ~M~ much love to all.
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Lita, I am so sorry, FUCK cancer!
Dianarose, it is so nice to see you posting again. I have been keeping up with all you have been through. I want to say a huge thank you to you. You probably don't remember, but earlier this year I was really ill, my liver was failing, nothing was helping, and even my doctors told me this was my last chance chemo. After so many years I had failed all the other options with chemo and AI's. You were the only person who said, you can come back from this, as you had the previous year. I went from accepting this was my time up, to thinking I could get past this. Coincidence perhaps, but the following week my blood tests showed a small improvement, and every week since I have had the smallest improvement, but they do add up. I am no longer jaundiced, my liver no longer swollen, I'm still alive. You gave me hope.
Hugs to everyone going through a difficult time.
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Freya- thanks for the nice post. So happy you are doing well! Take that cancer!!
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Lita, I am so sorry to hear this. Mortified. There are no words...
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Oh Lita, so heartbroken to read your post. Sending much love and prayers for another tool to kick it back. If you ever need anything, I'm next door in Fremont (near Decoto Rd), home 24/7 pretty much. Just pm me.. I check the board several times a day. Or if you want to give me your phone # , let me know so I can program it in my phone so I'll know it's you calling. xo
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Oh my god! Oh my god! STEAMING.....!!
Allow me here, publicly, for all you cancer people to witness, apologize here to my mother and my daughter, BOTH of whom just tag teamed me on how "negative I am being, you are NOT dying and it's really hard on everyone around you to listen to you say you are, the caner is gone, you are not going to die so quit acting like you are."
Well, excuuuuse me!
First off, I DO NOT walk around telling people I'm dying! 90% of the time when someone asks how I am I say 'fine' even though I am not! Even though my head is a scrambled egg and I can't find my way in this new life. I can't unsee what I have seen. Mortality just ran up, dropped his drawers and dangled his big, hairy balls in my face and wow, I cannot get that picture out of my head. So yes, I try my damnedest to BE fine, but I am not! I struggle with it every day.
Twice now my mother, when someone has asked me how I am, has spoken right over me and said, "she's fine" and carries on the conversation in a different topic. How effing rude! I feel bad for the people asking because both their concern and my own feelings are completely crushed by my bully mother. She will not allow me to not be fine. She has decided I am fine and that's that. They cut the cancer out. It is gone. Get on with life.
Is it? Is it gone? How many of us on this site and millions of us NOT on this site wish to god that we believed in our heart of hearts that it was gone and gone forever? You have to be blind and stupid to read the statistics, to read the posts here and not grasp that cancer comes back. Sure, some of us will die of something else. Many of us will not and that, I am so sorry to say, is a truth that we all struggle with. We struggle to be fine. I am not there yet. And got my ass kicked for it.
My daughter (25) chimed in too, yeah mom, it's really hard on us who have to live with you. What? Let me understand this. I do everything I always have. The skin on my breast is still mottled radioactive peeling, I am exhausted, I don't know if it's radiation or tamoxifen kicking the shit out of me, but I push through, I push, and I do everything I always did looking after this house, the livestock and the people in it. But I should be more concerned for how my cancer attack is affecting you? Have you gone without clean clothes? Have you gone without food? Has the house fallen into filth around your ears? No? You mean I serve you like I did before but now I have some concern weighing my soul and it bothers you when I speak about it? Well. I am so sorry. My bad.
Fuck this.
The scars on my breast and armpit, not gone.
The numbness, not gone.
The shooting pains, not gone.
The lymphedema swelling my arm and breast and side, not gone.
The tamoxifen, not gone.
The worry, NOT GONE!
I have to give both my mom and daughter all the credit in the world for being honest enough to admit that THEIR comfort in this situation is the main focus. Cause really, it's all about them. Me having cancer is all about not bothering them, inconveniencing them or making them uncomfortable. It is my job to smile and carry on and not be a downer.
Just to be clear, I DO NOT walk around saying I'm dying. Someone please shoot me.
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Sorry to hear Runor. I have an aunt that would be like that, actually 2. When I was in the psych ward and then released, I was supposed to be ok. No more issues. It's fixed! Well no, I'm on meds and by you guys acting like all is well now and saying so is leading me back to the suicidal thoughts because you just don't get it. Your fam sounds like many members of mine, which is why they are all in the dark about my bc stuff (except bro who is a gem) and I don't see them. Messaging and FB is it with them.
I'd say do what you need to do for yourself and stay away from them. 25 y/o dau certainly should be helping if she lives with you. She's not a child. Time for her to gain some chores if she has none. And if it's that tough, she doesn't have to live with you. Most kids are out of the house at 18..
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i think you are all wonderful. Don't think that I spend all my time feeling sad and negative, I am going to fight till I can't walk. Mine is more emotional than painful. But it wasn't always that way. Just because stage four is stage four doesn't mean that having cancer at any stage isn't terrifying. You're all allowed to be angry or mad or sad or whatever the hell you want to get out. I am not offended at the normal human feelings you should feel about your life. It's serious shit!! My feelings are in no way more important that your feelings or grief or anger. We all are supposed to feel them. We are human. Now family .... they suck ass. Sorry but they do!!! They can be selfish people who treat you worse than a stranger on the street sometimes. Let's just always comfort each other because we all know how it feels. To have such hate for one thing. Cancer. That's what we really hate. Hugs to all you wonderful ladies. I'm sorry this has happened to each and everyone of you. Much love and hugs ~M~
Lita~ thinking of you and hoping the next path on treatment will kick some Major buttocks! You're a very special woman.
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Heh, runor. At least you have a mother and a sister who acknowledge it.
When I went to Romania two years ago, when my father died, I actually found out that nobody in the family knew I had cancer. My mother and sister had told everybody that "I left for America and didn't care about family anymore".
While I was struggling hard, after losing my job due to all the side effects, trying to weave the complicated threads of red tape to get disability, and in the meantime trying to make jewelry, dolls, puppy sweaters, anything that I could sell so I could send Mom money, because "her retirement pension was not enough to cover all her expenses and life was getting more and more expensive'. In reality she was giving the money to my sister so she didn't have to go to work,
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Lita - floored at the dx on your scan. There is hope and you deserve to have it. Once when my brother was having a terrible life crisis I found a sign that read, "Hope, one mile." I leave it here for you. For all of us.
Hope. Because how many times have we individually crashed then flown again. Hang in there with us, Lita.
Family in denial are not acknowledging. Runor, my daughter who lives here for the time being said, "You're not going to die Mom!" when I was about at my worst and saying I might not see her again (because she would be across the Great Pond with her new husband when the spouse visa is cleared and I wouldn't have the money to go since my job closed but she thought I meant it was because I was going to die). Anyway, then I realized she is in denial big time. Well, no, I'm not dying today, right, but I feel like it a whole lot. I am keeping my mouth shut on how much more she could be helping around here, the fight is too hard for me and talk about insomnia - when I get stressed I do not sleep. And I know that someday the reality will hit her on how selfish she has been, how much she could have done and how she might have spent some precious time with her mother just sitting and talking before she flies away to the UK and may never return or I may never get there. Then sorry to say but she will live with that reality the rest of her life. I know. In a different way I was not there enough for my mom, so I do know. My Hubby is in denial in a different way, he does everything for me, works too hard around here where he covers what I used to and what he can too. But he believes in my chance to survive more than me, and for that I am grateful but also frustrated.
Anyway, Runor, sometimes we keep our mouths shut for good reason. And sometimes the stress of them being out there without a roof is too much for us so they remain. I understand that. DD has been here and out a few times. I enjoy having here but she needs to do much more.
A stab at humor - what if you had a list printed of what is going on. So when your mom cuts you off and while they are speaking you quietly pull the list out and gently hand it to the person who asked, give them a little shrug then intently listen to the conversation dwindle while they get distracted by reading your reality. Ah well, it is worth the vision to entertain us at least even if not done.
Tonight I am frustrated because the cough makes it so I cannot sleep. Every time I slip off the stick in my throat from the scleroderma or whatever it is gets me. And breathing was iffy off and on. Nothing works some nights. I went to bed early too..... I promised my dear old Newfoundland dog that since it is cooler in the AMs we would take him for a drive to breakfast. A patio at the bakery by a lake near here where he can have a hamburger too. Of course, I have to sit inside and let Hubby do that and place dog back into the truck to wait for us to come out. Me missing the fun, due to the photosensitivity and lupus flares and Xeloda sun issues too. Crapola. Spent 5 whole hours trying to sleep for his sake and gave up. But I still want up early enough to take him while cool. Then will go back to bed. Tomorrow I start Xeloda again anyway. I know it seems like a little deal but to me it is a serious deal. He is a huge older dog. I am going through this and to me like a last chance at every experience. So I have to, not put it off or think there will be a tomorrow. So the sleep was very very important.
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I know I am not dying right now. According to daughter that is all I ever say, which is absolute bullshit. I tell people, and only certain people, that I am struggling. MOST people I tell them I am fine, doing much better. That's all they want to know and that's all they get. I'm not a complete social moron despite what my daughter thinks!
It's a difficult balancing act to work out. Living hopefully, which I do believe I have to do eventually, while knowing full well that disaster can strike at any moment. I tried explaining this to the kid and she just yapped off about how all of us are equally likely to die in some tragic accident but SHE doesn't go around moaning about it....
I explained it this way: It's like our small family of three was sitting around watching TV one night, when a random gunman came in and fired a shot into the living room and ran off again. I took a bullet to the chest. Now she can say that we are all going to die someday, which is true, but I'VE JUST BEEN SHOT! She can continue to expound on how we are all at equal risk everyday. True but I HAVE A BULLET IN ME! She can flap her face about do I see her and dad walking round moaning about dying, because they are just as likely to die of cancer as I am? Actually they're not and, uh, in case anyone wants to stop talking and notice, I HAVE A GUN SHOT WOUND AND AM BLEEDING! So this idea that we are all going to die one day, while true, completely glosses over the immediacy and critical event that a cancer diagnosis is. Daughter wants me to not act like I am having a problem because she doesn't want to have to act like there is a problem. She does not (and is not) want to do anything different. Her interests are purely self serving. I hate to say. I have had overnight to calm down about this and in the light of day, I really don't think I've quit functioning and tossed my responsibilities into anyone's lap. No, I have expressed honestly to my family and some close friends my true feelings, which are fearful and very sad, and I got kicked to the curb.
I feel extremely betrayed. I know I have to get myself worked out to carry on. I'm working on it, every damn day!
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