STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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Dina sorry to hear the news. My dad is finishing treatment now for it and if it of any consolation he said it does appear to be "slow cancer" at least. It is not comfortable I know but at least they don't do amputation on you for that like with breast cancer and chop it off. I'm sure the financial and insurance drama is not something you look forward to either.
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I thought that I could put this shit behind me. All I want to do is get on with my life, which is proving WAY more difficult than I expected! Daily I battle the thoughts in my own head, I kick myself for feeling down and scared and sad. As I approach the one year anniversary of that bad mamm that set me down the path of this nightmare what do I find? A massive lump in my good boob! WTF!!!
I was scratching my boob when I noticed a lump, poked a bit, wow, pulled the skin taut and it pops up like a goose egg! It is HUGE. And now I'm waiting again for another mamm and ultrasound and even if it's 'nothing' even if it's just a cyst, I am so ..... there are no words. I feel like one of those poor experimental dogs who gets a shock no matter what it does until it finally lays down and gets shocked to death. Total defeat. That is what I feel. Sucker punched by the universe. Ha ha, sucks to be you, Runor!
I know that many of you will want to reassure me and that is not what I'm looking for, because nothing is going to reassure me. I never wanted to see the inside of that mamm department again! I never want to be waiting for results again. I hate that vulnerable feeling and even if they say it's good news, my ability to truly feel relief is gone. ANd how can it be 'good', there's a huge lump! I always think good news is TEMPORARY. That is what cancer has done for me. Dirty bitch. I feel like puking.
I want to add that when I read personal stats here and see women who have had this disease twice and battled it twice, I am mortified at what they must have gone through. Live through that hell once and then get to do it all over again. I do not grasp how many of them manage to keep on going and still post here. It blows my mind. I admire them but do not want to be one of them!
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Runor, since you are not looking for reassurance (I get what you are saying), is it okay to respond with F@$& Cancer?
I cannot imagine going through this twice or more, and I am not sure that I would. Don’t know how people do it.
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Dear Runor - I know what you mean saying reassurance will not help. When we have walked through the fire there is no one to convince us it will not be hot the second time around or it is not really there at all. There isn't a day that my thoughts don't go to is it in my brain or lungs or permeated through my body and no one knows. And to find a lump would just be too close. Hugs for you, wish we could all sit w you and have coffee and mourn this time of uncertainty together.
Dianarose - Last thing you needed to hear, hon, my heart goes out to you and your family for all this you are going through. Stay in the circle as close as you can for support and love.
BBINACT - Your information is sobering and what I have found to be true too. And the ER PR + being a forever thing. Because we cannot escape our bodies, it is hormones. The congratulations for being a survivor five years out from fist diagnosis is moot for those of us on BCO and see what it really is, how women get it again and sometimes then again. That's all very nice, to be further into life, but we know what reality can be and it is a crap shoot.
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Ladies, thank you. I know that you know how I feel. First time, I was bewildered, but this time I'm mad as hell. Not even a diagnoses yet, but still mad as hell. Still waiting for the phone call for appointment. Nothing happens in a hurry here!
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I know that this is a thread for anger but two good things came about this week. Doc says my DH cancer isn’t aggressive and my tumor marker took a big plunge down to 66!!!!
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Dianarose, I agree you are due for good news. I have a friend who went through prostate cancer treatment. He has been NED for eight years now. He had to take Tamoxifen. He disliked it as much as many here do. He was the one who warned me about the “new normal" after treatment. He had said, “You will never be the same, but you will get used to your new normal." I thought that seemed so negative. I thought, not me. I will turn it into a positive. After treatment, I came to understand what he meant. I appreciated his honesty and the heads-up on that. He wasn't being negative. Just letting me know he understood and the feelings of anger that come with that are normal. It is okay to not be “grateful” all of the time. I’m not sure anyone gets it unless they have experienced a cancer diagnosis
I still hate the term “new normal" but there is truth to it, at least for me.
Rumor, sometimes anger is the mode I need to be in to give me the strength to deal with this kind of crap. I hate that you have to start this “hurry up and wait" process again.
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BBINACT that makes sense and is certainly true for me. I needed to hear that.
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Runor - cancer just plainly SUCKS!! I'm so f@cking tired of what this f$cking disease is doing to my BCO buddies and people outside of BCO. We are in your corner...
Edited to Add: I'm so f&cking sick of what this damn disease has done to me - too!!!!
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BBINACT - my therapist told me the same thing. And, I've noticed a pattern with this and it seems to be very true. When I feel wronged by something that happened or by someone that I feel was not fair to me. My initial reaction is to get mad. But, unfortunately, that turns into feeling of depression later..
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Or your anger and depression could be caused by your medication
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I am upset ! I booked. A brain MRI and bone xray yesterday. The orders for the MRI were wrong. Doctors office called them in and I never saw the paper. So, I lost about 45 minutes with that nonsense. And I still have to call that Drs office to redo the scan. Then, they forget I'm waiting for xrays. After a half hour of sitting alone in the patient waiting room I finally told someone I had been forgotten. So, they found that tech who had obviously gone off for a cup of coffee. Meanwhile I have intense body aches and woke up this morning with a fever. Will I ever have a life ?
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OMG, JFV, that is horrible and completely unacceptable!
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Dianarose: I'm so happy for your good news! I hope you and DH have many happy times together.
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Vent Alert: Today - I just feel like - so I've been through Stage III breast cancer treatment, some people at work know and of course my DH and DD know. But - nobody cares. I still get my feelings hurt by what people do. I don't expect much - just some respect. Maybe if my DH or DD - for ONE time - would actually bring me a cup of coffee on a Saturday morning. Just ONE time. I'm always making coffee for DH and breakfast for DD. While, DD plays on her iPad and DH lays in bed. I don't mind it but - I'm always the one doing it. And, I wish my DH would help my DD with her schoolwork - one night - instead of it being me - EVERY night. I wish my DD would take charge of her schoolwork - so - it doesn't fall on me. Every. Single Day. Most people at my work are very kind - but - today wasn't that way and it's by someone who knew I had Stage III. It just hurts my feelings and makes me feel like I am nothing.....
Nothing ever done - for me. Not even on my birthday.
I wonder if it takes - me getting Stage IV - for someone - anyone - to actually care or be kind to me. But, I don't want to go to Stage IV....
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Scared67,
Sorry you are frustrated. You have to let others know you just don't feel like it. I would simply not get up for the daily mundane things. It does not sound like both your DH and DD have any physical handicaps. They would learn how to fend for themselves. House little messy and schoolwork not done won't the end of world. I know because I fake not feeling well once in a while to get out of doing things.
No, you won't be going to the next. You will do everything to stay NED. NED is for you nobody else.
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This is the VERY hard thing for us to do. ASK. You have to ask for others to do things for you. And point out to them that you do everything and you are tired of it. I did everything (shopping, cooking, laundry, cleaning, etc.) until my son was 18. I worked out of the house, DH worked from home. I would pull into the garage with a trunk full of groceries and a baby in a car seat (I dropped him off and picked him up from daycare, too) and DH would not get up to help. His excuse: he was busy making money. To help me for FIVE minutes? We have a screaming match about this to this day every once in a while. He still claims he did some shopping and cleaning. He did not. None. This screaming match was repeated just a few weeks ago. I am 68. He is 66. Don't let this go forever like I did. They need to know how you feel. TELL THEM. The guilt will subside. (DH has been really nice since that last screaming match.)
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Scared67- sending hugs your way. Some days are sucky, and some days we want someone to take care of US for a change. Nothing wrong with that.
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Scared67, sorry you are experiencing that. I agree with others....talk with DH and, if DD is old enough, include her.
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Scared67- I think everyone gets so used to us doing everything through rain, sleet, snow and BC. Until we speak up it's just business/life as usual. And when that's the norm, there are rarely if ever thank-yous involved. On our side I think we don't want to let anyone down and we work very hard to keep everything “normal" - to not do that would mean we're not as strong as we thought we were which for many is a sign of weakness or failure (dealing with the realization that we're not superwoman is a whole other thread though). I'd just speak up at dinner with DH & DD and say that while you love being a mom & wife and taking care of them as you have the last so many years, you're just not physically and emotionally able to do it all anymore and you need some help from them with taking part of the load off your shoulders. Point out that you've tried to keep everything the same as before and you think you've done a good job keeping it that way but you just can't keep it up any longer and you're sorry about it. You may need to give examples and/or certain new expectations for them so be sure to have a list ready to start this new family/household dynamic. Then everyone has to keep up with their new responsibilities- you can't come behind them and do their job for them because they didn't do it yet. As far as work-it's a toughie especially since you haven't elaborated on what's going on. Is it a similar situation to Home? If so do you need a lightened workload? Or is it a matter if you were always the go-to fix it person and that extra workload is too much combined with lack of gratitude? Or something altogether different?
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Scared67
i sooooo related to what you posted - and i think it has nothing to do really with you needing help and not getting it - surely if you asked your family members or coworkers to help they most probably would - but mostly all we are looking for are some hugs... some recognition that they know we are going thru the one thing most people are most scared of - cancer.... we try our best not to be a burden and to go on doing things we have always done and not demand attention or whatever because of what we are going through, but it is quite amazing how instantaneously everyone is willing to go on with our "show" that all is well and nothing has changed and they need not be bothered by this DX we have received. It gets quite weird - we start feeling guilty ourselves for wanting\expecting some TLC from family and friends even though we are the ones who are sick and have to deal with the constant fear of "what will be next"... if they get the part that cancer is "frightening"... then why is that even the most intelligent people, and some of them the people closest to us, just "don't get" that a BC DX does change one's life forever and that the kind thing to do is to be there to support us and give us that hug\coffee in bed without us having to beg for it...
mostly we are not asking for endless help or for everyone to just stop their lives and pay 100% attention to us, we don't even want that - all we seek is for some kind of sign that the people who are close to us do recognize that we are dealing with a cancer DX and not the common cold... just some sweet text messages to show they are thinking of us... those little things that dont take much effort but would go a long way to help us carry on - those things that if we have to ask for them - well then it becomes pointless anyways, no?
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Thanks so much everyone for your very kind replies!! Thank-you for validating my feelings and putting into words - what I'm not able to...
I think the hardest part is when I feel like some of the people that I deal with the most (and, the ones who knew I went thru BC treatment) are insensitive...especially my DH. He told me the other day that I've been snapping at him over the past week - but - what he doesn't understand is - I am finally standing up for myself.
Also, at work, I always finish my work but often times, I'm made to feel guilty because I want (need) to leave work on time - so I can go to the gym. Or, I need to leave because I'm tired and have a child that needs me to pick her up. Or, I would like to leave early, so I can actually have a few minutes to watch my DD at her gymnastics practice.
That part (I think) bothers me the most - because - why wouldn't anyone with a heart - want someone who's had cancer - to be able to take care of themselves or spend time with their child???
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my DH doesn't like to do things without me and I'm the same way. We know how valuable our time together is. His son said I ruin it for him and his brothers because he won't do things without me. How freaking rude is that!! We don't invite them to things and exclude their wives! Now I just don't invite any off them. Problem solved.
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thereisnodespair-Very well said!! Thank you for putting that into words.
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scared67-sounds like your workmates are jealous of your ability to get all your work done in a timely fashion and subsequently don't think it's fair you get to leave when their work isn't done. And jealousy never brings out the best in anyone. I would go about it 1 of 2 ways: 1) tell them I'm sorry your work is taking a long time-perhaps I can share some tips on making the workload more efficient so we can all leave on time. And then share your tips. 2) say, “too bad, so sad!" And walk out the door. Depends on your mood the next day it happens. More than likely I'd do the first and if they rebuffed the offer or chose not to utilize the tips then I'd do the 2nd. The other thing to remember feelings wise is that it is very rare to find anyone who cares about anyone but themself anymore. It's all about me. Me before you. Very sad. I hate to say it, but it helps-set your expectations low on those work interactions and when they're met or surpassed you'll be pleasantly surprised. Take all that energy you've been putting into helping them and getting grief in return into investing in yourself and your wellbeing/happiness. After all, you can’t help anyone else unless you’re well and taken care of yourself
Welcome to Scared67's new normal!
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Awh...Thanks Lula!!!!
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The worry never goes away no matter what. "survivor" is that what you call it? Getting through a day and waiting for another doctor appointment or test.. Work doesn't understand you have to take off for tests. Driving away somewhere won't solve it because no matter what you are there and all the problesm.
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It's awful having to take off time for tests. The tests are bad enough!!
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Some people think once you're done with treatment that all is well just like before. I get that too. Not sure stage IV would change that. I've read some accounts where ladies are very weakened and still don't get much help, probably here. I'd ask. If nothing changes then stop with helping them.
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Yes - I'm learning to have more of a "f@ck-it" attitude...as I'm beginning to refuse to let myself be walked on and less worried about what others think. I'm more worried about staying healthy these days (or as healthy as one could be with my scary stats)..
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