STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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Bluebird, Wow! Thank you.
I think I might just leave that behind for those who might feel the need to gather and feel pressed to say something. (Minus the last line)
Just reading it takes a load off my mind.
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Bluebird- the problem I have is when they look at our income we look like we can afford it. They don’t take the 2500.00 we pay to my husbands ex each month into consideration. Nine more months then we are done paying her. Hope I live long enough to see that day. We’ll be dancing in the streets!
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That is rough, Dianarose. On copays they didn't ask my income, I don't think. I think it was up to the center assisting me to petition for possible funds. Have you ever tried them.
Nine more months for you to see that milestone and dance in the streets. If you don't think you will make it then dance in the streets now and have it video-recorded. Here is why I say such a morbid and dismal possibility............
I have nine months for the vehicle accident court case and the settlement to finally be had, they hit us, two speeding vehicles with the first in our lane headon, we were just navigating a blizzard at a very reasonable speed and wham. Now three years later still waiting for all the red tape and our own insurance company is balking on any payment for us under the underinsured motorist policy addition, and both vehicles were way underinsured. ugh. I will dance in the streets when this is over too. Meantime the end of this month the attorney is prepping me for a video-recorded deposition and all attorneys will be questioning me early February. The preparation measure is for just in case I die before August or cannot appear in court or talk. True crap. Our insurance company is suppose to have our back and the last thing they would want is to be taken to court like we are being forced to. The retired judge / mediator at the mediation said to our attorney to walk out and give it a few weeks and if they did not contact then court because they were being unreasonably unfair. I know they as in our insurance company are biding their time before they call uncle. But this recorded deposition also shows them how vulnerable my health and life is right now, not good at all as that is going to make my life considered as less worth as far as financial considerations, thus my attorney has said. I tried to get him to use the stage 4 and hospice card and he doesn't want to for this reason. But the video says it all once we get it done. I told him if the case is that far out I could be coming in on a gurney or in an urn. What do they want to do? I said. Just do something, I want this settled before I die! This was the answer to all our woes and problems. Video-recorded deposition from me. no stress. sigh and grin. and the source of all my anger on many many days. I have to let go of this too.
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Bluebird- the cancer center is trying to come up with the difference via a grant I didn’t use up last year. Worst case scenario the ex might get her check a bit late. Oh well.
Lawyers make life tough. Hopefully it will be resolved soon.
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Bluebird, I'm incensed. Your accident stuff should have been settled months ago.
You are right to be concerned. I know a woman, not on BCO, but she has brain stem cancer. In the last several wks, she has lost the ability to speak and can no longer move. She's bed bound. I have 20+ brain mets, so that could just as easily be me any day.
The thought that, "Well, she's sick and dying, so let's just drag this out...she won't need the money once she's dead..." It just infuriates me!
I know a man who was totally screwed over by the insurance co and attorneys who handled his case. He was rear ended by a construction vehicle while waiting at a stop light. His spine was fractured in 3 places. He was in the hospital for weeks and in rehab for months. His back will never be the same. The case should have gone to trial (he would have received more $ because the construction co was totally in the wrong), but the attorneys settled out of court. Poor guy was totally screwed over, but what could he do?
Hope that doesn't happen to you.
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DancingElizabeth, I love your new name!
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DianaRose, I just checked. PAN foundation MBC funding is closed right now. PAF says they are open in their BC and MBC funds. I have been PMing with a person here who is having a lot of trouble with PAF but it is worth a try. If you had a grant in the past with either foundation, they can usually be renewed. I did that once with a PAN grant. Income requirement is 500% of national l poverty level. With Ibrance, if no grant is available, Pfizer gives it to you for free. I don't know about the Xeloda manufacturer. I wouldn't pay the greedy bastards if I didn't have to. You can use the dregs of one grant plus a new one to cover a drug. Specialty pharmacies are good at these things. They want their money. One specialty pharmacy (Advanced Care Scripts) is actually the one who looks for funding for Ibrance (Pfizer) patients. ACS tells Pfizer when no grant can be found. They are all in cahoots.
Bluebird, love the poem. May comment in the other thread where you posted it.
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Bluebird-
Beautiful poem. Brought tears to my eyes.
Thank you for sharing.
Barbara
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Bluebird-love the poem. Thank you for sharing!
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Bluebird - That is a lovely poem; thank you for sharing it with us.
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My longtime friend from Canada had shared it on her FB page. I was so touched and drawn in. I decided it will be the first reading at my Life Celebration (not funeral) along with the Passage - Across the Sky song lyrics.
Passage Prelude and Across the Sky
It's not true that we come here only to live.
We come only in passing.
We do not own all that is given to us.
On this journey we eat, sleep and dream.
And whenever you are ready, oh Maker of Life,
I will come home to you.
And whenever you are ready, oh Maker of Life,
I come home to you.
Joanne Shenandoah & Lawrence Laughing
from Orenda CD
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That said, I was told 2 mo ago to call hospice and am just now addressing end of life organization and responsibilities and making contact w hospice. But only for just in case. I am angry I have to do this at all, but letting go can help. Am not perfect or a saint. Feel in the corner and if only I could put a smile on my face and be a Pollyanna, butthat isn't me.
Yes, Lita, exactly. Darned if I do die and darned if I don't die, at least in this situation. Just did not need the drug on stress of this on top of end of life "stressors" and man what we could have done with the cash back in our pockets that we had to spend at the time of the accident. We paid out of pocket thousands for home helpers coming in. The plan to pay off the vehicle we had then did happen bcz ins paid for that but it left us back in the old truck and running to all those medical appts and then the cancer hit again - all the cancer outbreak within a year was right where the airbag slugged me in the neck and chest. But that does not count, cannot prove anything in court. We had waited for our ins co to contact us after the accident, after all we had the policy for underinsured and it was their time to step up. They didn't and a few calls got no response from appropriated rep/reps. And we looked at each other and it dawned on us, we did not want to call an attorney BUT we were going to have to go up against our insurance company. oh man, sheet sheet sheet. And so we called an attorney firm that only practiced in accidental injury. Our nephew used them when injured as a law detective. And I think that now our ins co has a double grudge. That we were in the accident at all. And that we called an attorney. I feel pretty strong right now and am walking quicker than Hubby. I think I can pull it off, the not actually being hospice material part.
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Bluebird-I love that reading you have chosen for your eventual celebration of life. Really we should be celebrating our lives every day. That reading is a good one for every day. Thanks for sharing it.
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This kind of superficial crap really makes me angry
https://www.cheatsheet.com/health-fitness/breast-c...
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I've learned to avoid any cheatsheet articles. They require you to constantly click, then you find out that the article is worthless/misleading.
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That is crazy. How unhelpful either!
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Love the poems you posted Bluebird. Thanks for sharing them.
Angry as I read about how you’ve been treated by your own insurance company about your accident. I’ve heard similar stories from others regarding having to sue their own insurance company to get the benefits they paid for in uninsured motorist coverage. It’s so frustrating and you sure don’t need this stress on top of all else you are dealing with. Hopefully it will move faster after your deposition.
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Wondering if posters on this thread are aware of up and coming proposed changes to BC.Org site. Here's a link if you want to inform yourself.
Are You Aware of/Concerned about proposed BCO thread changes?
GP
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Had a rough day at work...and went to the store: And got called "ma'am" not once but THREE times by the checker!!!!
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in the south, maam is polite. I get called that. Its respectful imo.
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joy! What changes ?? I hope the threads don't change. I find the threads easy to follow and they are not broken!!! ~M~
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I think we all hate change as we have enough changes out of our control already
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Commented on the changes, took some time I did not have to try to understand these proposed changes and the reasoning. What I get is they are going to be happening anyway, regardless of what the members concerns and reservations are now.
The attorney yesterday said the ins co - my own ins co - wants me to have a physical medical exam by a doctor that is a pain specialist. He said nothing unusual. And so I am but it will be videotaped and Hubby has to be in room. And there are some tests not allowed like no stress tests, walking on machines, no nerve tests to my left hand, and others. I am in the it is what it is phase right now. I am preparing to review w attorney on the first deposition I already went through which was before the mediation that my attorneys were told by the retired judge mediator that it was best if they walked out of the stand off w my own ins company. There will be a second dep which will be for the court room if I cannot be there. The other attorneys will then be made very aware of my present condition with breast cancer and the prognosis being poor, hospice being a viable option whenever I choose. That's them, I am just here doing my best. But I do know my ins co is CRAZY if they let this go to court. CRAZY.
One more comment today, that is that there is no time to die. There is too dang much to do to get ready. So far I have decided to be in the palliative care program - not the hospice yet. Dr. said then that is the one, no questions since I already know what I want right now. And so I am going through all the list of what to prepare for my end of days. I am using the list Sas posted from Bon's info. Gotta get back to it, my weekend is reserved to get this accomplished. And resting and watching a movie or three. But in a nutshell, there is the legal, the logins, the copies of everything, the family tree hahahaha, the what to do with pets, the personal possessions, the stuff that gets trashed and doesn't need sorted through at all, the insurance policies, the bank account, the bills to pay off w my life insurance money, the garden stuff and possible gardening for the year and what to venture into and what to not even bother with, urns, cremation wishes, photos, recipes, thank you notes, letters to loved ones, and on and on and on. I want this all organized into manila envelopes and into my black zipper notebook and in the safe. And then I do not want to think about it again. Just read a good book and brush my puppy.
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One day at a time, Bluebird, that's how I handled mine. Death binder is done and it gets updated as needed. I have hired maintenance gardeners since dh hates yardwork. Best friend gets pierced earrings, dd doesn't have ears pierced and doesnt want them.
Not writing letters to anyone...if they don't know how i feel,about em now, they never will.
Headaches and dizziness much worse from brain mets. Amping up the cbds, and I had to vape for the 1st time in months so i could get a few hrs sleep.
Dh and i have a couple short trips planned. Hope I last a few more months.
L
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Lita hope you have fun planning trips and hopefully gives you something happy to look forward to instead of medical stuff.
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I think the way we will probably have to die - sucks in some many ways. Including all that needs to be done for it. Sign me up for the surprise heart-attack any-day. I know that's very selfish of me - not looking out for my loved ones after I'm gone. But, I feel like some of the people closest in my life - haven't exactly looked out for me....
And, honestly, I know that "Ma'am" is considered polite by some in the South. But, I used to live in the south and now on the West coast. I've yet - except on here - to meet a lady - young or old - who likes being called "Ma'am". The way *I* hear it is "frumpy-old-lady". Why not call a woman "Miss" instead???? Sorry but - ma'am - has got to go!
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Miss? You have to be kidding! How about a doctor saying, “So, you're 60 years young!" Now that I'm past 70, that doesn't happen so often. Maybe my face has settled into a permanent, “Don't mess with me." look. Do we all have to turn into our mothers? When I was teaching, I tried to have the students preface my name with Ms. ( Mizzz) They didn't get it- too young. I soon settled for Mrs. (although divorced)- they knew I had kids so they never called me Miss. What-ever... No need for TMI.
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Anything but "ma'am"...sorry but Ma'am sucks...
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I hate my oncologist. He's done exactly jack s--- to hep me post treatment. I've had to do everything myself. I have a friend who's a pediatric onc and although she recommended a different onc, the cancer center won't let me switch docs in the same facility. It's ridiculous because I'm the patient and I should decide who I see!!! I'm angry how so much of my famiy wasn't around during my treatment. At first, everyone said, "Let me know if there's anything I can do for you!", but when I asked for a visit, I was lucky to get even one. My own brother didn't come to visit my during my multiple hospitalizations. I get that he was afraid he would just break down if he saw me like that, but I'm the one with cancer so get over it! I'm angry at the way people stopped contacting me or supporting me once treatment ended. Post treatment has been the hardest part of the whole ordeal. I'm angry at the way things have gone after treatment. I had NO idea there would be this much collateral damage. Every time a new complication occurs. I get mad at myself for getting my hopes up that things will ever improve. I'm mad that I can't seem to get my s-- together. I'm angry that my reconstruction is so jacked up. I'm angry that I keep getting the opiod lecture despite the fact that the bottle I have is from a year and a half ago. I'm angry at all the docs who've been horrible to me. I'm angry at the ways breast cancer has been sexualized. It makes me feel like I"ll never been sexy again. and I won't. I hate the early forced menopause/ I hate these bald spots all over my head. I feel ugly.
This isn't cancer related, but with all the #MeToo movement going on, the memories of a college professor who sexually abused me and manipulated me, have reared their ugly head. There are other assaults as well. I don't want to even think about those memories and I hate those people for doing that to me. and wrecking a whole decade of my life. I'm angry at my husbands ex wife for being a total nightmare to deal with. She's one of the most cruel people I've ever met and even turned on her own kids. I had to hire security to keep her out of my wedding ceremony. I've been accused of all kinds of stupid things and even called a whore. I've never said one bad thing to her or her kids. Exwife got together with my bro in law's fam and somehow convinced them that my husband was a pervert (I won't go into detail) and now we are shunned. She's spread lies around to any and everybody she an think of. I hate bro in laws fam ecause for shunning us because we don't meet their Mennonite religious standards. They banned us from their kid's weddings. They never even ONCE reached out to me when I had cancer! What kind of a--h-- do that?! The thing that really pisses me off is that I can't defend myself to exwife because I don't want to jeopardize my relationship with my stepdaughters. They've defended me, but Id love to verbally tear into exwife myself.
I refuse to talk politics here, but every time I watch the news, I hate all of it. I want to throw a brick at the tv. I hate the division I'm seeing. I hate the accusations that are tossed around. I hate politicians in general.
I'm too angry to proof read this.
I'm not angry the majority of the time, but there are days where I feel like I hate everybody and everything.
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Yes, one day at a time. My project was not completed by 5pm Sunday but I did get the obituary done, a lot of paperwork organized the envelopes and am filling in the blanks in my free time. It's kind of fun - god is THAT morbid or what - but as a writer / organizer / entrepreneur I really thrive on this type of project. Perhaps this is what oI could have done for a living.
When I was on the phone with people from the Southern states I was (by the men, usually farmers) called Miss Diane as their respectful salutation. So sweet. I in turn called them Mr. __ fill in last name here, not a curse word. And with Canadians, I was always called Mrs. _________ and they were Mr. or Mrs or Miss. Depends on where you are and where they are or are from. But I do prefer to not be a ma'am.
When at the hospice appointment last week the director gave this speal about how we are all in the same boat, not knowing when or where or how. I used Runor's fine example without any hesitation, "Steve, I am already in the middle of the road with tire tracks on my back." He laughed loudly and I certainly hope he thinks again before the same boat example.
Catlady - that is a fine list you have there. A fine list. We all know what you are saying in so many ways. I have a file entitled A**H#LES and for every one that has done wrong, I have their name and a briefing and some paperwork that would be needed to go after them or their bull, in the file it goes and then I don't need to think about it again. But when I do and I dodo, really I do, I come on here and talk it out with people who are willing to listen. It helps.
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