I WANT MY MOJO BACK!
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i didn't lose my eyebrows / lashes until AFTER my chemo was completed. Prob about 6 weeks afterwards. And then they just thinned....didn't lose them completely.
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Just thought I'd pop in with a tribute to Mena.
The baseball hat kept me company this past summer while I rode 827 miles praying for our sisters here. This sign was in a parking lot, upon returning to civilization & real life.
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Amazing!!!!!!
Mena touched many lives.If only we could go there to get the mojo (LOL!!).
Hugs, Jackie
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My deepest sympathy for Mena's family and friends.
My thanks to her for starting this very important thread.
She will be greatly missed. Rest in our Savior's arms dear Mena.
Funeral service is Monday at 10:30...remember her family in our prayers during this time.
God Bless
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I got my Breast Cancer Husband book and would highly recommend it for someone at the BEGINNING of their journey...as for me and my DH, we have already gone through the BMX, the chemo, the hairloss, the TE's, the implant replacements and adjusting to implants...and now we are trying to figure the rest of it out. I really wished i would have stumbled upon it earlier. ::(
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OK LADIES, WHAT WOULD YOU DO???? MY DH HAS ADMITTED THAT HE IS NOT PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO ME NOW THAT I HAVE HAD BILATERAL MX. HE REALIZES THAT THIS IS PROBABLY A PSYCHOLOGICAL ISSUE, BUT HAS NOT EVEN MENTIONED SEEING A COUNSELOR... I AM DUMB FOUNDED AND HAVE NO IDEA OF WHAT I SHOULD FEEL OR HOW I SHOULD REACT TO THAT INFORMATION. OUR SEX LIFE WAS WAINING BEFORE THE BC AND NOW IT IS TOTALLY NON-EXISTENT. I'M SETTING A TIME LINE IN MY HEAD TO SEE IF HE WANTS TO TRY TO REMEDY THIS ISSUE AND IF NOT, THEN I THINK I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE BUT TO SAY, SEE YA!
INTERESTED IN YOUR RESPONSES. THANKS
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cookymkr, I'm so sorry that you are going through this with your DH. Unfortunately, I don't have any good advice but many of us have gone through relationship losses. And there are many who have managed to improve their relationships even through tough times. I'm sure you will get a lot of good advice from the women here. The only thing I suggest is that even if he won't go to counselling with you, then you should go on your own. Best wishes for a result that makes you happy...0
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Hi cookymkr...If I recall correctly, you are already seeing a counselor who suggested that you do nothing radical at this time regarding your marital relationship but, rather, that you focus on your own issues. The way that I see it, one cannot separate her self from a long term relationship like marriage well enough to actually isolate emotional challenges that she possesses alone. And with such a severe and devastating statement as the one that your husband has made, it is hardly likely that you can distance yourself from his feelings, nor is it probably healthy to do so.
The good news, of course, is that he has been upfront. The other good news is that you seem to also be completely honest about your own feelings and needs and that, to me, is the most essential ingredient for resolving any given problem. So where to begin? I'd say that, as I suggested awhile ago (I think?), you should decide what you want from the marriage. Sometimes we stay in relationships out of fear of being alone and imagine all sorts of scenarios, most of them just awful. But I've found, at least for me, when the pain of being IN a relationship exceeds the POTENTIAL or imagined pain of being out of it, we are willing to take action. So the first questions that you probably should answer for yourself are things like: what positive benefits am I getting from this relationship?; how is this relationship promoting my own growth as a person?; what is MY part in how the relationship has evolved and what am I contributing to it currently, either positively or negatively? As we all know, the deterioration of a relationship is almost never one person's fault. That doesn't mean that you should feel crappy about yourself, but it does mean that you face how your demons affect the way you give and receive love, companionship and affection.
Then, of course, the big question: can this be fixed and/or is it worth fixing? Of course, correlative to this question is determining how you would like your life to look in the future and can you imagine realistic ways to begin to create this desired life?
Certainly, chica, only you can answer these questions and it certainly doesn't sound as though there's any big rush because although cancer helps us to see that every moment is precious. In the meantime, I'd suggest that you find ways to make you feel good about yourself, whether that means buying a new wardrobe or getting a makeover, getting busy using a talent that you possess and would like to strengthen, or finding sexual gratitfication without your husband (recall the fame of Mr. Big!)...or all of the above. And keep seeing your counselor or, if you aren't satisfied with the one you have, finding another who can guide you through all of the feelings that cancer has evoked. Finally, the support of a grlfriend or 2 or a decent group of women can be invaluable in times like this.
Keep us posted, cookymkr, okay? We're all in this together, ya know.
~Marin
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I think that's incredible that he was able to say that. No matter how many years together or what water is under the bridge, the fact that he could verbalize his feelings in such a strong way blows my mind.
How important IS sex to you as a couple? I found that my DH does other things for me like a cup of tea, the laundry, rub my neck etc. That is my "sex".
If it is too important, get the hell out!
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I had to come back here to add to my last post. I went back to work, but felt as though I had left something important out. Upon reflection, I realize that it was this:
There is an assumption, I think, that a man is justified in having such a response to a bilateral mastectomy and all that follows it, and that any man would, "naturally," react similarly. Well, I want to say that THAT IS JUST CRAP and don't you believe it for a minute, cookymkr (and any other woman lurking here who has had the same experience)! Just because THAT MAN had this responce doesn't mean that all other men would...or will...have it. There are men who actually find the scars sexy and others who are blown away by the courage they signify and, therefore, find their woman even MORE attractive. And I'm not conjecturing about this but, rather, know this to be true on a personal level. I only wish for every woman here that they will come to know this, personally, as well.
~Marin
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Thanks to everyone who has posted a response to my question. As far as the question, "How important is sex to me?" Well I'm a 51 yr old attractive female who always enjoyed sex once I figured it all out! And am I ready to be a sexless woman? UH, NO!!! My DH has ED issues as well which doesn't help the issue. I told him the nite that we had our "discussion" that there are great urologists that could help him with this if he truly wanted to correct the problem. But IF he was going to do that, then it needed to be FOR HIM, NOT ME! But I have the feeling that his PRIDE and his embarassement outweighs him wanting to please me sexually. The fact that he has always has been a "BOOB" guy, will always make me wonder if we are somewhere that that there is a buxom woman, would he rather be with her? My breasts always made me feel like a woman and that was the main reason I chose to have reconstruction! To feel feminine. The decision I made was for ME! NOBODY else!
Marin, You are correct. My counselor did tell me to focus on treatment and recovery for now, and that is why I have made a mental time line. I thought I'd just sit back and take note of the way things are and see if any changes are made. I know what I want. You're right, alot of times we stay in relationships out of fear. But cancer has shown me that LIFE IS SHORT, AND THERE ARE NO DRESS REHERSALS! THIS IS IT! A ONE TIME SHOT! I love the things he does for me, but as far as how I feel about him, i'm really unclear right now. He has not given me the support that I thought I would have from him during this journey, and he has said and done things of the past year that have really hurt me. I feel almost empty and feel that our marriage is strictly a marriage of convenience right now. I told him that I feel as if we are only roommates.
I have a male friend that has been very interested in my choice of reconstruction and admires my courage for the actions I have taken so I know you are absolutely correct that there are men out there that would not feel as my DH does about my foobs.
I gotta run, but wanted to post a response to those who have already posted. Thanks for your time and input.
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I can't begin to tell you how right your are! Not only the loss of Mojo, but depression on top of it. I lost alot of weight during my treatment (which lasted 11 months), and I'm not comfortable with my body, I went from a healthy 115 to 98lbs. I've had chronic diahrrea for 18 months, since starting chemo, and I'm wanting my old life back. Thank goodness I have a wonderful and loving husband who I can't and won't put through my problems any more. I just don't know how to fix this.
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steelcitygirl...Do you see a counselor/therapist for your depression or have you asked your oncologist if s/he can prescribe an antidepressant? This problem alone can cause radical changes in your sex drive. Also, hun, you should give it some time. With a loving and supportive husband, you have a true advantage. Maybe for now, sharing alot of affectionate touching can be enough and then, as time passes, you can work together on creating a new and fulfilling sex life. Does this sound feasible to you?
~Marin
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cookymkr...I hear ya, girl. I divorced my husband of 28 years because he had become like a roomate to me and I wanted some hot sex. Well, it has worked out well since he has re-married (and I hope he's gettin' some!
) and I have found some amazing mojo with a wonderful boyfriend. In your situation, though, you might want to take it slowly and allow yourself to recover from the trauma of cancer before making any drastic changes. Time may not change how you feel about your husband, but it will give you clarity and more strength to move ahead. Doncha think?~Marin
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FITCHIK:
I couldn't agree with you more. I have decided to just "sit back" and see what transpires for now. BUT, I've made a mental time line in my head. My first priority right now is dealing with the trauma of the cancer and completing the reconstruction. THEN we'll see how things shake out. IF that includes him in the picture, then so be it, and if not....SEE YA! Thanks again for all of your insitefulness!
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Why don't you nurture that relationship with that guy who seems to understand your journey? Never hurts to have another friend....
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Oh Barbe1958, I'm so there. He has actually become my best friend...we talk daily. He is also a cancer survivor which is what created the original connection. He so gets me! I've never met anyone like him.
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He may end up being your soul-mate....
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Barbe1958 I would love nothing more than to have him end up being my soul mate. Although I'm not sure how his wife will feel about that. I do know that he is also in an unhappy marriage and has been for years. So we'll see where things go.
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Hi
I have seen recommendations for coconut oil for vaginal dryness--- there are pills and there is an oil..is anyone using this, does it help, which are you using??? I can use all the help I can get....
thanks
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My oncologist buckled down and prescribed me some premarin (?) and told me to use it for two weeks straight. Yes, my tumor is hormone receptor positive but as I explained to him there comes a point where quality of life is important and besides I am on Tamoxifen.
Going backwards about 3 months ago I found out that intercourse was extremely painful to the point where I had to tell my dh to stop. My PCP said my cervix was red and inflamed. He took another papsmear that came out negative. He refused to prescribe any cream and I don't blame him - he told me to talk to my oncologist.
So I started using the cream on Sunday. Does this mean I should use it daily for 2 weeks and then try to have sex? I don't want to try too early and then get all hot and bothered and have to stop - let alone put my dh through the wringer also.
Any suggestions?
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jancie....Just the word "premarin" scares me, but everyone needs to make her own decision in these matters and I completely agree with anyone who advocates for quality of life over quantity. On the positive side though is the fact that it's "just" a cream and you're only using it for 2 weeks. As for when to give it a test run, if you can't tell by inserting your fingers in as far as possible, I'd suggest giving it almost the entire 2 weeks before going for it. I say this because it just seems logical that if your cervix is that inflamed, it will probably take at least a week to lose that and then another for the area to become moist and plump enough for you to be comfortable. Whatever you do, I'd also suggest a ton of thick lube. It would be a shame to get your hopes up and then have no recourse but to give up.
~Marin
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momand2kids...I'm pretty sure that whoever suggested coconut oil meant the actual oil. If I recall correctly, someone said that they applied it regularly after her shower. If that doesn't have the desired effect, other women have used things such as Crisco (the solid), Vaseline and Aquafor. Obviously, you'll need to be careful if you're using condoms because some of these items may render the material of the condom ineffective.
Hang in there, girl...something is bound to do the trick!
~Marin
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Lately I'm having a problem more with the outer regions. The inner is okay, but any stimulation to the outer area and it starts to feel all raw and inflamed. Will some estrogen cream applied there help correct this problem? Lubes aren't cutting it for me.
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I'm interested in hearing from the Single ladies who have made this journey and the reaction they got when it came to the "unveiling" of the girls with their new lover or flavor of the week. Did it become a tell-all event? Just curious....think it sounds like some interesting stories.....
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I'd like to hear the same: from single women who met guys and whether the relationship continued once the BC was discussed. Lots of people say general things like "the right guy will love you for you," but as a single trying to date after a mastecomy, that's not really helpful. I'd like to hear some stories that are more specific. Anyone?
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I started reading at the beginning and am loving the advice and lauging. I haven' gotten too far yet, but, am reading this at the office and when I tried to click on one of the links that were provided I received a company message that the site was blocked because of content - now I am in my office blushing (yikes, is my company going to be able to trace this to me, I don't want to have to explain why I am trying to visit these sites!)
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I can relate to that! I was at work one day and reseaching Symmastia....some of the sites were blocked due to nudity. I thought well how am I spose to do research????!!
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FitChik,
You divorced after 28 years of marriage. Wow. Just curious about your cancer treatment if you have a lump or mast. I regret my BMX everyday for those boob reasons. I to feel like my marriages consists of being roommates. He is a boob man which i cannot provide and always think the same as other ladies if we are out, actually we seldom go anywhere togother. I know he watches his porno because he was always visual and liked the boobs. It is hard to leave i have two younger children, however i hate facing him daily. It was never like this before BC.
Have a great day!
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Morning Ladies,
I hear you, I thought I was the only one with no libido! Right now I have no want or desire to make love and this was a very active relationship- 4/5 times a week now we are down to maybe once a month and that I have a get myself mentally ready and that just sucks...I HATE THIS!
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