Im bitchy, I moan, I groan.....anyway.
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Navy girl; i hadn't heard about Tonya that su*** big time.. welcome back, sessna0
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So...good news - kind of? - from the ENT today. No sinus infection and no polyps - but my sinuses are apparently so dry, they are cracking and bleeding. So I have about 5 things he gave me to do a few times a day to get the moisture back. Part of it is lack of estrogen, part of it is the medication I'm on. Hopefully once things get restored to their normal balance I can back off the treatments some to just maintain. SOOOO glad there are no polyps involved!
I hope everyone is well and has a safe Christmas!
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Well that's just ducky navy!!! No polyps for Christmas. Who'da thunk that would make someone so happy?
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navygirl...thank you for the good news...we are needing some. And am so glad it isn't an infection...I have been dealing with one since b4 Dec 1 and am on my 3rd course of antibiotics!
I do hope the different treatments the doc gave you solves the problem and am happy it isn't more serious!
gentle hugs to all ~ suzie
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What a difference a day makes, otherwise known around here as WTF??? Today is one of those days when I just want to have an old fashioned temper tantrum!!!
In 2008 had a bilateral with DIEP recon; the left side has never been quite right with a bit of a divot on the outside of the breast -near my armpit. Yesterday I noticed that the area just above the flap was sinking in. It's like the layer of fat under the skin just disappeared; so today, thinking that it might be scar tissue binding it up, I started massaging it - and don't you know there is a lump there?!! Of course, it can't be a tight wad like the scar tissue is, it has to be a somewhat soft, move able lump that brings back my PTSD from finding my original lump 2 1/2 years ago. Will there ever be a time when we find something out of the ordinary and don't immediately think the beast has come back to haunt us??? I'm so befuddled I've got the shakes. This is just rediculous; I'm sooo over bc.
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AW NAVY! ((((HUGS))))) It so Sucks!!!! Just know we are holding your cyber hand!!!! YIKES!! Gentle hugs and prayers are going up for you!
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Thanks Barbara...I'm having my meltdown
Fortunately, I go for my check up in a little over 2 weeks so at least I don't have to make a special appointment to have it checked... 0 -
Ah Navy, that SUCKS the big one!!! Here's hoping for a flat blob....
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navygirl, have a really fine temper tantrum, I had one 3 weeks ago when i woke up to find my BC breast, hot , swollen and painful. I felt like I had been getting to a really good place and then this. My oncologist sent me to my breast care center for an US and to my breast surgeon. I too felt the PTSD kick in. It was an infection, the Dr. at the breast care center aspirated quite a bit of fluid from a seroma that could be seen on the US. The next day, my BS asperated abit more and sent iit on for cultures. He put me on a 10 day course of antibiotics and I saw him the following week It was a mild staph infection that cleard up with another course of antibiotics. It was truly like going back in time to the initial diagnosis. It is cleared up now and I settled down after seeing my BS. Hoping your lump is something truly insignificant as well. Karen
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ohh navy, who would believe we would hope FOR an infection? after all we've been through, they're the least of what can go wrong!LOL on the other subject.. i had a run of bacterial infections, for like 2 yrs.. went to a cdc dr. the whole 9 yards.. my ENT told me to go out and get a waterpic.. the kind for the teeth. he then sent me to a pharmacy that gave me an adapter for the nose, and some saline.. no drugs, just saline. i do it 3xs a wk...no infections, no drying out, etc... if yu can't find that.. CVS or Walgreens sells something called a netti pot.. it blows steam right up your nose ..gently. my GF had one. works ALMOST as good as the water pic. i let it run down my throat w/ warm salt h2o for sore throats. it works great for that, too. i have started my GS on one..wham.. no ear infections, and no more sore throats..good luck. oh, can you get an earlier, emergency visit with your dr.? i'd try, before i waited... mines' always good to see me ASAP; if i've found something.. imgoing thursday about my rib pain..yes, 5 days over christmas. not long down time, indeed.. 3jays0
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thanks ladies...after a horrible night filled with dreams of bc (yuck!) I have decided that it's going to be a cyst. No big deal and it will take care of itself. I am not going down this road again, at least not anytime in the near future. So there BC.
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NAVY...great attitude ......YOU GO GIRL !!!!!!!!!!!
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Hi Ladies, I need you.
Been awol for a while. I'm guessing that there was either too many things going on to be able to write about any one thing bugging me the most, or I simply took a LOT of down time. Wow, it was nice while it lasted.
I'm so sorry to see the vast amount of suckage that's been going on. Please know that if you are reading this, I have read your posts and my deepest sympathy to those that have lost someone, gotten another dx or had treatments that you never wanted.
My biggest issue doesn't compare, but its mine. Its the pain. In the neck, back, hips, legs.. that left boob and my Long Term Disability has run out and they have "closed" my file, I appealed once and was denied and plan to appeal again, but they sure are good at wearing one down. Its almost as if it's their jobs to fight us on claims. Ok... when you got hired at an insurance company did you have to take a class in CONFRONTATIONS? I'm thinking of getting a lawyer, but wonder how much of any winnings he would take.
Would that it were not so much about money. EVERYTHING.
And some will remember last spring when I was having so much trouble with the ex son-in-law?? well,... he's baaaack. And he wants to be a part of his DAUGHTER'S life? WHAT? He LEFT them. Abandoned them with nothing but me and her daddy to pick up the pieces, pick up the slack and pay the expenses. DD says it's BETTER this way, that they get along with one another and not be fighting. But he has done NOTHING by way of support. Nothing. And DD has been talking to him, for some time apparently. I'm just finding out that the conversations have been ongoing... and on MY phone bill. She won't like the fix I have for that.
I just am not getting this at all. can anyone explain? How can she (she's 26) want anything to do with this man (also 26)who hurt all of us so badly? He stole, lied, cheated, ran her out of the house, took in a woman, woman had DD arrested on Easter weekend and since then he left town and didn‘t communicate for MONTHS. Turns out he used up his welcome in NC with his family and so now he's back, here. Got his car repossessed, the one he stole the money from the great-grandmother for. OH.. the good news is that he has re-filed his unemployment so she will be getting some money soon. (AS IF) And the worst... the worst part is that she began lying to me. In order to go be with him, she started making up stories about other friends and I, of course, found out and she didn't find that disrespectful because she was avoiding a conflict with me.
Hell, she has completely disrupted my entire life, moving in with the baby and going to school. I feel so used. I know I did some of it myself, but somebody had to pick up his slack.... there was an infant involved. Now, I'm alone with my thoughts, wondering if I did the right thing, covering her ass, letting her move in, paying for everything he wouldn't at the expense of my own retirement - hell, at the expense of my own care sometimes.
It's like I'm such a mother that I can't distinguish where the lines are. I know she could take the baby and leave here anytime she felt so inclined. I just never in my life imagined that she might do that and return to the same abusive situation she left less than a year ago. It's eating me up and I have no one to talk to, so YOU'RE IT. Cause you understand and know more and different than me and have been through more and different than me.
I feel like I've lost a large part of myself in 2010 by becoming the secondary care giver for my only grandchild. While her "Daddy" was playing (whoring) around, using drugs, taking no responsibility whatsoever. And now he gets to just come on down and get to play with her? when I don't want him to? Just Play, no discipline, no responsibility. And I DON'T think that's the best interest for the child, (22 months). I can't see anything but constant disappointment for her with him around.
AND THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT.
I can fight the LTD people again, I can do the necessary work to put myself back together again when they move out. But I feel completely useless, helpless and most of all vulnerable emotionally because I AM the other mommy. More than grandmother, not enough to be father, but seems to me that oughta count. I know it counts for deserving to be told the truth.
Yes, I'm still very, very angry with him. He should be ... I don't know, apologetic? (He should be a lot of things I would prefer). But I'm given the argument that it's an addiction, that I hated the behavior... well.. DUH. He was horrible to my child. I just can't see the line here. HOW in the world do I stand? Cause I won't back down. And he is absolutely not welcome in my home.
Thanks for listening. I know this isn't BC related but I really don't know what to do.
Connie
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Connie.......Feel free to come here and talk about anything you need to talk about. That's what we're here for. As for the other things.......well, we are parents. We love our children unconditionally. That's what we do.
I know from personal experience, that of what you speak. My daughter got pregnant by her boyfriend (of 7 years). They were planning on getting married the year they found out. She had complications. So they cancelled the wedding and concentrated on having the baby. During this time, the BF, started disappearing. For days, even a week at a time.
Later we found out he was seeing another woman. He was the one who wanted a child. Then after she became pregnant, he started running around on her, cuz he couldn't handle it. We also found out he was stealing checks out of her checkbook and writing bad checks. I took money out of my 401K to cover them for her. Then he would come back apologize to her and she would take him back.
This happen, like 3 times. I finally told her after the 3rd time, I love you but if you take him back and he does this to you again I will not help you out. I will still do what I can for the baby. Diapers, formula, things like that, but no more money help. I was running myself out. This all happened a few years before I found out I had cancer.
In the end, she finally wised up. He did it to her at least 2 more times. I did not give her any money. It broke my heart, but she needed to learn a lesson. We also found out, when he went on these little trips that he was doing METH. And apparently he was doing it when he got her pregnant. My grandson was born with a few problems. He is autistic because of it.
She finally met a new guy. They have been married a few years and have a son. They get along very well. I was really disappointed in her for awhile, with all the lying to me and her still thinking I would just do whatever she thought I should do for her. I think it really surprised her when I cut her off. I think if I haden't she would still be with the dope head. She's happier, the kids are happier and I am much happier. Now if we could just get him to sign over his rights, everything would be great.
The BF would come around every once in a while in the beginning. Now he rarely sees him. I think in the last year he's seen him, maybe 2-3 times. That's only because his family goes and gets him and then comes over and gets the boy. If they didn't go pick him up, he would never see the boy. We can only hope that in the future, he will either sign over his rights or just disappear altogether.
Good luck in your situation. I hope it doesn't take your daughter as long as it took mine.
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((((Connie))) It has been a long time and we've missed you around here
I was hoping and praying things were quiet for you while you were away. I don't have kids, so I can't give you a moms perspective - but I was in an unhealthy marriage, that I had no business getting into and that I stayed in for longer than I should have; so if I you don't mind I'd like to give you a daughters perspective on why your daughter maybe getting sucked back into this. Guys like this have a very charming, sweet - rebel without a cause - I'm so misunderstood side that somehow draws you in. Your head knows, he's probably never going to stop disappointing you; he's never going to reliable and put food on the table and be the worlds best dad. But the head doesn't rule the heart, the heart rules the head. And your heart really wants that sweet vulnerable guy you've seen a glimpse of here and there, to win out over the irresponsible cad that wreaks havoc on your life. You think if you're there for him and you love him then one day good vs. evil will prevail and all will be right in the world.
As a mom, you know that's not going to happen - and so you do what you can to protect your daughter, forgive her mistakes and help her move on. It's normal to feel insulted, hurt, and left out when you find out she's been sneaking around behind your back -especially when YOU'VE been the good guy helping her pick up the pieces and support her daughter, your grandbaby. What I hope you will try to remember is that while SIL might be a meth addict, DD is an addict of a meth addict. Until she understands that he's never going to give her all the things he promises he'll give her, she'll keep taking him back. Until she understands -truly in her heart understands, that she deserves better than what she's getting, she'll never move on. It wasn't until I realized that my husband was not the person I wanted raising my children that I realized I was wasting my time trying to fix something that was always going to be broke. It wasn't until I decided to take responsibility for MY life, and started living it to make myself happy - that I stopped trying to make everyone else happy.
Like myself and Leisa's daughter...yours will have to see it for herself also. I know you want to skip right to the part where she see's this guy is an scum bag, but that's a conclusion she'll have to come to on her own and I'm sure she eventually will. It's heartbreaking to be the mom in this situation; you can vent here anytime you need too. We're all here for you and we want you to know you're not alone in all of this.
As far as you LTD and a lawyer is concerned; if you're not getting it now then having a lawyer take a percentage of something he/she CAN get you is still better than nothing. You've paid your dues all these years, you deserve the disability now that you need it. If you have to hire a lawyer to get it, then make sure it's one that doesn't get paid if you don't get paid. Let us know how it goes...in the mean time you're in our prayers.
Sending hugs your way....
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Connie, change your LTD needs to STRESS!!!!!!!! Get a counselor or someone as an advocate. You are taking care of your child and grandchild. Good to see you though! 0
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Hey girls, Thank YOU. You know I thank you, or I woudn't come back for more.
Ive been told that I should write a book. Well, I think I will. Anybody been published? I need a referral, I've got the outline. And I've been working on it for 3 years now. don't know where to go from here with my first book.
Also, and I'm not drinking yet today...
.. .there's this little bird .. out here on my patio and he is just fussing at me someting awful!! It's funny as shit. If I look at him, he gets louder and closer!!!!! He fussed for a good minute, but he's gone now.
OK.. HEY! I'm back. Sorry to make you gals relive unfortunate things with your DDs. But thank you from the bottom of my heart. Leisa, I know what you mean on the financing side of things. DD will be finding out real soon. navy - you are an inspiration to me. All the crap you have survived has made you stronger. I can only pray that I will become more of whatever the word is that describes what you have. I can't think that hard right now. I know.... his charm. UCK.
Me and DH talked and talked last two nights. He was not believing that DD was involved. So I told him what I knew, what DD had been saying, then doing and not doing and last night something clicked with him too and today we had a talk with her. 1. That she will be in charge of her own future and cleaning up her own messes. and 2. No, we are not ready to trust, forgive or otherwise give him another chance. .. are you sitting down?? It ended with her, getting all emotionally charged, as that's what she does, screaming through tears that she had a one night stand and thinks she might be pregnant. and throwing the, IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR? line at me for an encore. I did not engage. Simply said, if that is the truth, then that's what I needed to hear. DH was blindsighted, sucker-punched. I was oddly relieved at hearing the truth.
Truth is always better. stings. but I'd rather sting at the truth than ache at the hollow of lies.
The truth is, she still loves him. She missed being married, she was lonely, horny and easy. HE, on the other hand, missed out on the MAN gene. There are lots of ugly adjectives I would love to spew in his direction. I"ll go with a few not so vulgar ones. Predator. Snake. Bottom feeder, low life, piece of work. I wonder if all this was his sick plan, somehow, .. but he's not that smart.
guess what? DH is home, baby is crying and the mommy went out with the baby daddy.
gotta run... Connie
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Oh, Connie, how much more can one Mom take? I am so relieved that you and DH are on the same page and that you are communicating. I have no solutions except for Tough Love which takes a lot of effort but if you stick to it it ususally works.
You mentioned a book you are pulling together. I don't know how it works but Kindle has many writers who have published their e-books that are sold on amazon...perhaps you could check it out.
gentle hugs ~ suzie
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Oh, thanks Susie! It's good to have something that's mine alone to work on. As if the battle against the LTD co wasn't enough. I do have a bit of relief in sight.. I'll be on Medicare as of Feb. 1. So, if nothing dreadful, healthwise, happens before that I should be able to survive the expenses of this month.
It sure is a good thing to vent. It really helped me not blow up at DD today. Like a pressure cooker who's valve is squeeling, it's still releasing pressure and doesn't blow. most of the time.
DH and I have been together for 35 years now and we have seen some ups and some downs. We come together on most issues and He is a HUGE BLESSING in our lives, He can be a little pushy and opinionated, but he is a man after all.
Hey BARBE!! I've missed you. I don't know how you manage to stay the course and be as funny as you are. Glad to see you still here. I have a sisterIL that I love and she has had a rough time with an abusive husband and divorce but she stays upbeat and once in a while has a breakdown but she's younger and still bounces back easier than I do. You inspire me as she does.
Its so hard, I really don't want the anger and bitterness and depression to consume me. I really don't.
Love you, ~Connie
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Connie, as long as you keep the humour, nothing bad CAN cansume you. I still have weak moments and cry in the car on the way to/from work.....sigh. But I'm still the funniest person I know!
It was a weepy day tonight as I drove. We don't have a single extra $1 until I get paid again Jan 15th. We figured we could make out food/drug wise, and I already told my boss that I'll take my 3 lieu days for Christmas next week (I have no money for gas and the tank will be dry by then). I thought I had it all under control until I remember car insurance!!! My poor heart almost stopped beating.....sigh. It's due on the 7th. We are calling them tomorrow to see what we can do. If we can move it until the 15th. Well, as they say, if you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space!
Love you too Connie,
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Connie and Barbe, my heart is ready to break when I hear what has been going on for you too! I wish I had some magic words to make it all better, but I don't. All I have is a strong shoulder and an open ear and lots of love and concern. Gentle hugs.
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I have almost $2 in my wallet. DH has nothing! But heck.....makes life fun. Like Amazing Race.
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It just sucks to be me today. Thank god I found this forum. I found myself positng all over the site and I don't want to bring anybody down. I feel like I hit a brick wall and there is nobody there to help. The hubby is complaining about his sore back. Poor guy. Hahaha I want to shoot his whining butt. Actually I am just fed up. It took BC to make me realize just how much of a load I pull. It doesn't make sense to me why. I guess it is the way I am. So strong but sometimes I just want to be the needy one and not have to ask. It is like I am expected to be all better now when in fact i just hit the WTF moment hard. Ack. I am supposed to go to office tomorrow and be the hotshot. I have to whip up my annual pharma/bio (10th year) outlook for 2011. . What a joke. I never thought I would be so much a part of it. It takes me weeks to compile and the clients are yelling for it. My boss has been cool but now I have to get it in gear. My staff is going to be there thinking I am on my game. I am so far off that it isn't funny. I worked so hard to get where I am and now my brain doesn't work anymore. At least today it doesn't. I am the main support of my family and that has never been more evident than now. So on top of being pissed off at the bc i am pissed off that it is up to me to get cracking to maintain everything. It is my fault. That is what happens when you think you are invincible and convince everyone of that point. You just keep taking more and more on and realize you have created situations that are not so good.
All I wanna do is cry. I don't give a crap about work. But I have to. I am so angry and confused right now.
Sorry for being such a lamer.
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Bitch away...sometimes just getting it off your chest helps tremendously. Writing it down...saying it out loud. Then you can say...Ok, I need help. I was one of those people also. Always making the most money. Everyone came to me for advice, all that. But after a while, I got to the point I couldn't take it anymore. I finally had to ask for help and by god it has done wonders.
I don't feel like I have to do it all by myself anymore. And my husband has really surprised me. He had gotten to where he expected it from me as well. But I think he likes taking care of me now. We have a little better relationship than we had before. I think I was starting to resent him for it, now we are a little better. We use to fight a lot, now not so much.
I hate bc, but it has actually helped me some in my relationship with my husband and I will always be thankful for that. You know they say there is a silver lining to everything and I guess that is mine. I hope you find yours. Good luck. Leisa
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Annettek, That sucks. You finally landed in the thread where u can bitch and moan and we will applaude you doing so!!!!! WAY TO GO!!! I'll bet it made u feel better just to vent. I know it did, so come on back and let us know how Monday turned out. Hell, youre only a couple of months from diagnosis.. you are completely normal.
Barbe I'm so sorry for your struggles. Praying for relief for you.
AND SESSNA... Thanks for the honorable mention a few pages back. It made me realize that ya'll are a part of my life now and "There's No Place Like Home".
~Connie
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Annettek - I know what you mean about carrying the load. I've done that so much that it is just expected by everyone. I had to talk to my partner today and say "I'm a bit depressed and here's why" and then I had to keep bringing the subject back to that because she would go off on her own issues and concerns (which are valid, too). I told her that sometimes she gets so wrapped up in her own stuff that it feels like she doesn't even see me. She said that she is just so used to my being "her rock" which is nice, but sometimes I'm hurting, too, and I'm not getting the support I need. Work is overwhelming, home is a mess (son home from college and perched in den with his games and messiness like a dragon on his hoard), I'm coming up on both my one year cancerversary and my 50th birthday, I'm not where I want to be in my career, etc, etc. At work, I'm so efficient and good at what I do that I'm able to cover up what I'm not doing the best at, but at some point it could come crashing in if I can't get it together. And then we are all screwed, because I, too, am the primary breadwinner. It gets scary. My partner and I did talk and I did get some support, so at least that's better, and the college son goes back to college town tomorrow, so that's one mess that will get cleaned up! It's not all bad. I hope your Monday goes OK. One thing I do know is that sometimes we hold ourselves up to a higher standard than anyone else.
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And Barbe, I'm scared to even look at my bank account right now, but at least I have some money left in savings and I have a dad and a brother that will pitch in if I call them and ask. I wish I could send you some moola to tide you over. I've been there, done that, and carry a lot of debt right now - literally and karmically.
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Great rants annette and Bookart!! Feels good, eh? And yes, we Canadians DO say eh a lot! My Dad has passed and I already owe my bro....sigh. My DH has disappointed me terribly but he's 60 and no one wants to hire a 60 year old! Also, we're down to one car (thank God I'm only paying for one!) and any job would require some transportation.
Oh well, the universe does provide. I don't stress about it as much as I should probably, but stressing just doesn't get it done. Or maybe I'm just stressed out?
I've run out of stress? I can't say I'm stress-less, cause I'm sure there's some residue......but hey....I'm just sayin'....0 -
Barbe, I love that "run out of stress", I think sometimes you do get to the point where there is so much stress you go on autopilot. I used to hate the phrase - it is what it is - now I feel myself thinking it. Karen
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Connie, so glad you and DH sat down and are on the same page. I'm sorry the discussion with DD didn't go better. I hope with continued "tough love" from you and DH she'll soon begin to understand she's responsible for her own life!
Annette, Barbe and Bookart...I feel for you all. Stress, lack of money, high expectations...it all sucks! No shame in venting and it definitely doesn't make you a "lamer"
I'm fighting to get my classes for next semester paid...it's going to be an uphill battle but it was one of the reasons I took this job at a lower than expected pay grade, so hopefully they'll keep their word and pay for them.
Off to check out what's new...hugs to you (((all)))
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