Im bitchy, I moan, I groan.....anyway.
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Welcome back Diva.
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Oh man! THANK YOU ALL! I was so messed up the day I wrote my diatribe against life on here then I could not find out where I posted it! (have now added it to FAVORITES!) I just spent the past half hour reading through everybody's wonderful input. It really did help to just write it down. And I really blew live, in person, after I wrote it. I think it made a difference. Remember that old stereo or maxell tape ad where the guy is sitting in his chair facing a stereo and his hair and clothes are blown back straight behind him from the blast coming at him from the music? That was my husband and I was the STEREO! I have no idea what spilled out of my mouth-I ran up the stairs and popped my head over the railing and let em have it! Then I ran back downstairs jumped in the tub and had a righteous cry. I felt great the next day and he just stared at me. I was leaving for work and asked him something, and he said "I don't believe I am qualifed to answer you as I am apparently a big a**hole. Let me just digest this for a bit". Hmmmm, it might be the best thing I did. I said the method and delivery perhaps could have been nicer, but the content was true. Normally, I would be all "well, I didn't mean it and I am sorry, blah blah blah." I didn't this time. I realize I had a part in making it this way in our life, so I have to curb that SUPERWOMAN deal...I gave em hell at work too, for good measure- I realize I baby my whole team and that is just dumb-I can still be nice and fair, but geez, I created the same situation there as I have done here...lotsa changes since BC....I think some may be good ones:)
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hey navy; im so glad you got some rest. lets' pray for some quiet; both at your house,and mine. petscan for bone pain thursday. will letcha know. 3jays0
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good luck on thursday 3jays...heart is with you
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Annette...I am so proud of you! This thread can certainly catapult us into a different realm. I am so glad you were able to express yourself to DH and the people at work and I'm glad you didn't mince any words. Keep getting that anger out, don't keep it inside, it can cause many problems in your entire mental and physical life.
MORE POWER TO YOU, Babe!
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Annette, you done good!
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aww you guys are great...i truly care for each and every one of you. How does that happen? I like it. I like you. Now I am going to crawl into my cave and snore:)
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kudos to you, annette.. been doing some of that myself of late. my therapist told me i had trained these ple to think that they could put it all on me, so i've been busy telling them toget "untained" cause i cannot do it anymore. we've had some blow ups here with DH; but, we survived, and he's slowly "figuring it out... changed my tests, but thanks for thinking of me. they decided the MRI was more imp; so that's this friday. its' the scasriest, too, with the MS as well. id like you all to pray i don't a. find anything really bad, and b. run out of there screaming!! its' the 1st one since the BEAST; and i get freaked out in the tube.. i'm gonna be zonked out, so i hope i make it. i see the same guy for over 10 yrs now, so he'll take care of me, i'm sure... he even gives me a break in the middle, pulls me out, lets me stretch; then does the contrast.. at leasst i have always finished his mri s so i know i'll be ok with him. the pet will be next wk someday, not sure when.. then, we wait for the results... all will be well, God willing.. night..3jays0
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3 hundred fifty seven pages of bitchin' and moaning? Love it! Alyad- your day sure sucked! And Hadley - that sucks too!!! Glad you played the cancer card even if it didn't get things moving.
I gotta complain, but think maybe in just in transition??? I had so many angels sent to me during the last 9 months, but I seem to be stuck. My stupid hair isn't long enough to go to an interview and not have them know. I need to work, but I don't want to work!!! I'm afraid I won't be with it and look stupid. But then again, it might take 6 months to find something and I should be out there sending out resumes?? But if I got called to interview, I would panic. I'm so fat nothing fits. I look awful still, even if everyone says I look Great! and my wig looks Natural. Grrrrr. I don't feel like ME. I don't look like ME.
I saw a therapist and her solution was for me to 'go walk the puppies at the pound'. I reminded her I had just had back surgery and walking was still at a minimum. She said 'oh' and then started talking about herself. If I sit in my house alone for one more Long-Ass day, I am going to scream. I'm so introverted right now.....NOT the time to push the social butterfly thing. Oh yeah, my wonderful friends are totally over taking care of me, and I don't blame them. I've leaned on them a lot. I need to see a light somewhere...
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tncbRuth - I hear you and totally understand the missing 'you'. I had a hair cut a couple of days ago. My hair, which was straight BFC, is now crazy curly. My hair dresser (love her) decided to use a flat iron 'just to see' how it it would look and when she finally gave me my glasses back, I looked in the mirror and saw 'ME'! Just a glimpse of the girl I was before BC but what a difference it made to my entire day. I actually felt pretty, even with the 38 extra pounds I have gained since dx. So there is light...
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3jaysmom- first time on this thread. Noticed you are in Hollywood. I graduated from Miramar High in 1983. Now I am in Missouri-it is 10 degrees here today! What was I thinking leaving Florida!
Tiffany
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tncbRuth - I hear ya too. I still struggle some days with how I look after bilat mx, chemo and bilat oophorectomy removal. I just take one day at a time and when I look in the mirror I just remind myself that I am a survivor of the beast. You'll continue to get those days, but just remember what you have been through and where you are now in life.
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I finally got through to the unemployment line yesterday and got the extension approval. Its just as well I put off the mammo. I started my period unexpectedly the other day- and I was oh- that explains a lot and how overwhelmed and emotional I felt... the last few months my cycle had gotten erratic after always being like clockwork- even once it started back after chemopause it was regular- at least for about 9 months- now its been erratic for the last 4- anywhere from 2-5 weeks. I get kinda weepy/irritable just before, so it makes it kind of hard to predict how I will feel.
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Hello and WELCOME TO THE BITCH AND MOAN THREAD. I love it here. I've practically written a blog in here, as have others.. (357 pages?? I never realized) ... who have also lifted me up when I couldn't find the light. I've said it before and I"ll say it again... BRING IT ON . Bring us your tired, your poor, your complete exasperation at doctors, techs, receptionists, nurses, people who hit your car in a parking lot and you get half the blame. Bring us your PMS and your Side Effects and bad DH behaviors. Even bring the family, yes, those buggars from the holidays.
WE CAN TAKE IT. I promise. If I can't take it, I know Barbe or Leisa or Traci or 3jays can. And if someone needs some a$$ kicked, Annette can handle that.
BTW.. How are you gals managing? You inspire and amaze me. You manage to throw humor where there feels to be no source of humor but it comes thru just the same. Guess that's what keeps bringing me back here, the real ness. This isn't a reality show, it's for real.
Grown up kids in trouble. got grandbaby living here. mommy gets no support. money runs out. groceries are slimming out in the fridge and cabinets too. Sundry items are getting used up and soon I'm going to start throwing things away or selling stuff just to get a new, cleared out start. I want my house back. Bringing a 2 year old in is not doing that. They've been here since April and the divorce will be final in 2 weeks. Thing is, stuff isn't selling. OMG, there are so many nice pieces of furniture on craigslist. I go there to see whats moving and the furniture selections are like never before. Dining rooms, living room, whole bedroom suites. nice stuff too. I could refurbish my entire house, if I only had the funds. It's fun to look though. kinda sad to leave with nothing.
G'nite, ~Connie
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GREAT post Connie! You are in fine form!
I've had to sell a bunch of stuff just to make ends meet. Started taking presents from under the tree just before Christmas....sigh. But hey, $60 is 60 bucks no matter how you type it.
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tnbcRuth- shining a light on you from Texas:) You know, I was beating myself up last night for being the ugliest doggass face on the planet and then...I realized something...atone time or another I have always thought that long before BC came to roost on my doorstep! Go set interviews and go on them...Hell, after you are hired with each day that goes by they will just freak as you continue to get mo' bettah good. I have interviewed so many people over so many years and I always hire for the person that I see - inside.For an outfit, if you don't have anything that fits right now go to a Marshalls or TJMaxx or even a resale shop so you don't spend too much and then march on in and know you are the person they should hire. I went through a period about 15 years ago where I intereviewed for a million (ok.about 10) jobs I had no right applying for...just for practice...I was out of shape, depressed, etc...it was the best medicine...what was weird...I got 4 of the jobs! Hahahaha I quit them shortly after as there was no way I could handle them at the time (i.e. architectural sign project manager, emcee at amajor blues club (what was I thinking?), law office manager and director of finance (!geez!) for a harley davidson dealership. It was better than any shrink! I have no idea why they hired me other than as eachinterview went by I became more confident. This was shortly after being on the proverbial bottom of the barrel and applying at a Denny's for a hostessing job and the snarky chick said You are too qualified - I BEGGED her for the job and she shook her head and said Good luck but we really can't use you. Even if you weren't over-qualified-You don't have the right look! (ARGH- that was one of the single most hurtful things anyone has done to me. She enjoyed my humiliation. I would not allow ANYONE to do that ever again. It was actually one of the the best things that ever happened to me in retrospect. Everytime I drove by that place I shivered until I sat up and got some iron in my spine and STUCK MY TONGUE out (I didn't say I was mature:) They tore the place down several years ago....but I see it still when I need to remember...being down does not mean out...
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Ok, this thread sounds like a good idea. I never let myself vent, lets give it a try....
Hubby says I'm swearing too much these days - ARE YOU KIDDING ME!
Putting on a brave face for everyone, "oh chemo is just for prevention, no worries, I'm fine" I'm so $%^&*(&^%$%^&*() sick of being strong. Want to spend a week in bed, but hubby, boss, kids all come first!!!!!!! I would think of taking unpaid time off of work, but Hubby is laid of as of April 1. So he will get the summer off Yet again and I will have to continue working and probably have to take all my vacation days too to get through the chemo. I will be missing my one getaway girls weekend of the year, I'm super pissed about this.
Sister and brother haven't called me since before Christmas, don't they wonder how I am???? I'm the oldest and they are used to me taking care of them.
Autistic son is so sensitive, I really can't show any signs of being sick around him. It will upset him for weeks and will ask me 150 times a day when will I be better. And DD age 13 is making me crazy with her diva ways.
I can't wait for the joy of loosing my hair, just waiting for all those comments.
My dogs are the only ones who don't piss me off these days.
Ahhhhhhhhhhh...... that felt GOOD
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Healthy, Diva and Annette - I feel so much better. The venting and the encouragement really helped a lot! There is hope for my hair.....I AM a survivor of the beast....and I burst into tears and laughter at the Same Time reading about your 'ugliest dogass face on the planet'...omg. Way too funny!!! My gay neighbor came by lastnight (w/terminal cancer) and said "to leave who I was and what I looked like, and EMBRACE who I am now". I am a survivor that has short gray/brown hair for the first time in her life and am beautiful to the people who love me.0
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Science Girl- you need to kick that hubby of yours in the rear end- if you are going to have to work as much as possible through chemo cause he'll be laid off later- he should be picking up as much slack as possible with the kids and the house. But it sounds like at least he'll be working while you are in chemo. I think if you can cut back somewhere-anywhere you should try to take the time off you need during chemo. I worked through chemo mainly cause I felt like I had to be strong- suffer through it, worrying about my job- they laid me off a few months later anyway. I wish I had just gone on short term disability and not worked at all through everything. Chemo kicked my butt more than average tho and I had to take off about a week after each round.
That is rough about your autistic son.How do you think he will react to you losing your hair? But the 13yo daughter needs a talking to- I think that's old enough to start to realize its not all about her.
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Ruth, I think I like your gay neighbour!!! I have embraced the new, flat me and never looked back. It saddens me when I read how many women are held back with emotion and wonder how I got through it so easily. I still don't know to this day. Perhaps it's because it's not the worst thing that has happened to me in my life?
You should post a new avatar though.... 0 -
That was my wig
but very similar to my hair. Here you go...the new and improved (???) ME.0 -
Beautiful!!!!!!!!!
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Alyad - You are right. Hubby and DD have to step up. I've catered to them too much. It's time for things to change around here!
That's too bad that you got laid off, this economic climate just sucks. I've been laid off once before. This is hubby's third time. I'm terrified of losing my health insurance. So I feel pressured to make it to work through this as much as possible, just as I'm sure you did.
Autistic son will have a difficult time, the good thing is that he is high functioning enough to learn from it and hopefully it will help him deal with similar situations in the future.
How are you feeling? Are you happy with your recon?
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You look REAL!!!!! Woo hoo 0
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Ruth - send your gay neighbor my way too...I need some of his positive energy too.
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Well I did share his words...embrace who you are now, you are beautiful to the people that love you and things are going to look MUCH better in just a few months. You'll forget the awfulness and remember the strength it took to survive I have my wig on tonight because its too dang cold to go without anything...all my good scarves are in the laundry plus I've been wearing a head cover almost 24/7....my enormous ears get so cold. YKYACP - Your first night out in months (I'll be back in 2 hrs)....you have to decide between a wig and a scarf.....and you wear your ugly shoes because they are comfortable and you don't care all that much right now~
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Wrong thread but good point! ehhehehehehe
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Science Girl- I FEEL your pain my friend- and totally understand the whole vacation.sick days deal...I am like WHAT THE HELL?! I know in the scheme of things I am so grateful that I had it to use but still. I was so fed up with being a crybaby over saving up all that time for a vacation and then using it for BC that I said screw it and booked a quick trip to vegas to see Cher at the nd of the month before her show ends...I should not do that- it is not practical at this point-I will be going with tissue expanders in my damn chest and spending money I should use for this year's copay and deductibles that rebooted right back up after the first but but TOUGH SH*T! I wanna see her and am.
I also have a son with autism. I get it. But you know what? Sometimes he is the ONLY one who understands all of this with me:) He really feels it. I have gotten the best backrubs from him (short but man, they are nirvana while they last! Of course other times he runs buck nekkid through the house on an endless loop (he is 6' 190 lbs!)....but what the hell...we just moved in to the neighborhood a year ago and god knows what the neighbors think of us...as Russ will sometimes stop at the landing at the top of the stairs in his full glory smiling...that is a two story window! Oh well, they can bite me -he's my kid and I love him
Family is a mixed bag-i love them all but my older sister has been whining how hard my cancer was on her (she works at my office) that was nice to hear hahahaha and my kid brother I have not talked to since Christmas Eve when he said you look good, cool, you aren't dying right? Don't be weird and talk about it very much, it is not like you needed chemo or something serious=OH MY GOD!
tnbcRuth- I love the new picture and I wish I would've known you when I was in Orlando a week after my diagnosis...I was totally whacko and driving around in aimless patterns planning my imminent death. It was a great trip. I impressed some huge clients when one asked how I was doing and I, the ultimate professional that I am, burst into tears and ran out of the conference center into the bathroom!
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Connie I just caught your post and it made me laugh out loud-thanks;)
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Annette - you're pretty funny yourself. Thanks!
ROCK ON RUTH... Yay for posting the now you! You look great gal. and what a great smile
Sorry you new ladies had to join the club, but sure is nice to meet you!
Science Girl... Great first ever vent post! How are you doing REALLY? I hear ya about the cussing. If ANYONE has a right to say whatever you want to, you do. DH ought to be doing some too cause he's got some learning to do. Has he been supportive? I know it's hard on the sibling end too, like, what's the deal? Probably they are afraid of knowing what you are going thru or what you will be going thru. And the people at work - they don't even count. Eventually, you will know who your real friends are and you might be surprised. I hope for the good. THANK GOD for the dogs. You can cry and vent and tell them anything and they won't tell a soul. I used to go out into our 'barn' (it's really a big shed) and sit out there and cry cry cry with my dog. She was such a terrific listener.
I think your post touched me the most.. we know how you feel, like you can't take a breath. So, when you sit to read and post again. stop, take those deep cleansing breaths we learned in childbirth classes, take 3, and know that we are with you thru this. Nobody else needs to know about us or what we say, unless you want them to.
Two suggestions; 1. do be cautious about using real names, you never know what happens when someone googles. 2. write your text in a word document. (then "select all", copy, paste). you get the journaling effect and you won't lose long posts like you can writing directly into the post-a-reply box.
That's nice to hear I made someone laugh. In my dreams, I'm a stand up comic who gets her own sitcom. Then I could send Barbe grocery and gas money.
I have such short term memory now that unless I make notes I can't remember who said what, but someone mentioned taking a short-term leave from work. and that's A GREAT IDEA! I did it. Was at my job 18 years and used vacation days for surgery and most of rads. I went to work in the morning and did rads late afternoon, it was summer and I went swimming after treatment for my sanity and because it kept pissing off the tech who had to put tape over my paint pen marks.. heehee. It got to be very hard to keep on keeping on, my skin was compromised, so I took the short term leave, 12 weeks, I took 9 and went back. And by then everybody there knew what was going on. This is Savannah afterall. Our gossip undercurrent is deep and swift. And they were great. For real. I loved my job. Haven't worked in almost 3 years now. On Disabiity. it's a struggle.
Man I would love to see Cher perform. When is that? HAVE A BLAST ! If you look around you'll find a thread of BCO ladies who unite in Vegas every year and have a terrific time. They book a group in the same hotel.. Doesn't that sound like fun? It totally sucks to miss out on your girls week or weekend. I missed mine last year for the first time in 10 years. I was so pissed. But we are planning it again for this year and only the funding would keep me away, I'm saving up now. We just beach it for a week, cooking in condo some, eating out some. We try to climb lighthouses if there is one near. I'm always the slowest, but I get up there and they applaude.
~Connie
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