Im bitchy, I moan, I groan.....anyway.
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welcome back Connie....missed ya...hoping for things to turn around for you and Barbe0
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Hi Connie, Barbe and all the rest of us that are still suffering~~~ I just have to bitch that my back still hurts. 6 years of doctors, tests, surgeries, meds and $$$. If I can't function because of my pain, why am I here? I have one son, 2 hrs away. No job. I'm useless...but I will say I got talked into doing dog fostering. I am sooooo lonesone here at home, I take in little dogs. The foundation pays for EveryThing, and I mean everything, so all I have to do is take little walks and lie on the sofa and hug their traumas away. People think I'm all noble and stuff, but its the dogs saving my life right now. My heart goes out to everyone! The Cancer hurricane came and left its destruction. I will be years putting the pieces back together. GRRRRRR I keep thinking I'm doing something wrong, but I can't figure out what it is...other than sending out a resume with a typo! ha!
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Barbe - I do a lot of different things - I run a couple of galleries, I do large-scale installations (big sculptures out of various items) and drawings and paintings. I also teach art in a local college. I stay busy, to say the least. The three shows are all group shows that I need 10 or 12 new pieces for. It's not much, but I don't have much time, or money, either. The framing always kills me.
Sorry to hear about your gas being cut off - I keep telling the boys that if they don't start pulling their own weight that I won't be able to pay the bills, but so far we've held our heads above water. 'course, with my partner out on short-term disability, our take-home is much smaller right now. And I don't teach in summer, so it's always tighter then anyway. I spent a couple of months one summer without gas (out in country, house-sitting), but it was hot Texas, so cold showers felt good and the stove was electric. I don't think I could do that in much chillier Ontario. May some money come your way - you never know - it just does that sometimes. And btw - keep trying about social services - sometimes you just have to keep knocking on their door and eventually someone finds a way to help you. Around here, everyone knows that the first time you apply they ALWAYS say NO so you just have to persevere.
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Hi Harley, Sorry about stupid people who think 5 years are the miracle number. Great rant. Good to read your rant.
Hi Kathleen, Hope your falling episodes are over for now, at least, if not forever. that's part of what took me out of the work environment, falling. hurt my back and then my neck, had neck surgery 2+ years ago then that awful injection a couple of months ago. It has helped a lot, but the residual loss of quality of life has been devastating. So, do some balance work and get your confidence up so you wont' fall anymore.
Hi Book, that sucks about the tires. Don't we have enough to deal with without vandals? How old are these boys? they work? If they have cars, they need some lessons on dealing with crap like this. I agree, its so unfair, specially for the grandma to pay for one kid and not the others.
Put a good spin on it, huh?.Barbe - You always have the Sunny Side Up, drives me crazy, lol. I used to. keep on smiling, I mean, sometimes too many supports crumble like sandcastles at high tide and then I lose it.
Bookart - If I only knew how to choose the right roads to take and could make the decision to take the one that would ultimately cause me the least amount of pain. Rather, I try to do the "right" thing and get stabbed in the back. over and over. I thought after 58 years I would know how to avoid, deflect or otherwise refer that knife, but, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Not dummy me. read on, you'll understand from whence that erupts. I know what you mean about wishing for the guts to let a hired hitman take care of the ones that are so vindictive, unfair and mean.
My 4 year cancerversary was this week. sometimes I wish I'd just had them removed. The breasts are such powerfully sexual pieces of our bodies. To have to become so overly concerned about them ruining ones life forever is overwhelming. Who cares how long it's been? I mean really? Are we supposed to be happy about all this? About being a Survivor? Hell, i've survived a whole hell of a lot worse than just bc. granted, it blew up my life and I'll never forget words that were said, looks that were given, how it made me feel, but the docs don't care about us as individual humans. No one told me i was supposed to follow up with any of the docs. No one told me a LOT about bc. no options were given, no time to digest much less research on my own. I lost my will to them. And they took HUGE advantage of my shock and ignorance. Then they denied treatments caused side effects, so why would I WANT to go see that ass who lied to me and used me as a guinea pig? AND pay him my grocery money? I'm not stupid and I don't need him to look me over to tell me it looks just freaking fine. I went to a new BS this year post mammogram, and he asked me if I had been following up with my Rad Onc.and I asked, "NO, WHY?" He couldn't give me a good reason. So, my GYN and my GP can follow me just fine. More than 2/3s of them are NUTS. it's an arduous task finding one or two in the decent third left that have room to see you. Our medical systems are fUked up. I've lost huge trust.
issues issues issues, sorry... didn't mean to bogart the soapbox. but, im not done yet...
Hi Michelle, thanks for missing me. I missed you too.
Hi Leisa, you've had to deal with so much too. But you brighten the day just by saying hello! Some how I think you have the patience of Job.
Hi Ruth, God, I'm so sorry about your back. That can strip you of your sanity, I never knew how bad it could be, but I do now. I know the useless feelings too and I'm so, so sorry. OBVIOUSLY, you still have zest and passion. You are pouring it out on puppies who are totally needy. Soon, I hope you will see that the love you give them is returned by them to you and it will help heal and make you whole. Relatively, you are still very new to this bc world and I'm not helping with my ranting, But we are here together, so there is value here and I believe we are learning what we need from each other. If the dogs are saving your life (your words) then GOOD. Because you are still here for something.
I wanna be Pollyanna. I really don't want to be this person that dwells on the bottom. I truly don't want to be constantly wishing for better this or more that. I have a lot to be thankful for, but it doesn't live in the forefront of my brain. I really wish it would. Seems something is missing. I can counsel and give great advice, but can't seem to take it. or live it. Wonder if that missing piece is still around and I just can't connect with it right now?
OK... so what brought all this crap up is.... tah dah... my mother, AGAIN. She got angry today, and took it all out on me, verbally. We removed weapons from my 84 yr old mothers home and she got ppppiiiiiissssssssssssed off and loudly, calculatedly and deliberately called me ugly names tonight when I returned them to her, on demand. (unbeknownst to her, they have been disabled). I know all the blahblah about dementia and alzheimers but she is the king cobra of venomous mothers and I reallllly hate being the one that tries the most to help and gets the most poison. I don't deserve that and for some reason I can't stand up to her. wimp. whipping post and I can't stand to be there with or for her. That makes me feel completely worthless. and I wonder why I'm depressed.
OK, that's all for tonight. I think that qualifies for a chapter of a book.
Connie
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Connie - my mother wasn't nearly as rough as yours, but could be pretty bitch-ee. I did really well for years keeping up healthy boundaries, but when she was dx with bc, I just couldn't keep them up. Made her last few years harder for us in so many ways. Sucks. Sorry.
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Connie...at least now it's off your chest. Sometimes that's all we need is to get it out in the open. I know it helps when I do it. I'm sorry your mother seems to think it's okay to do & say those things to you.
Even if she is 84. No excuse. Epically since she seems to be doing this to you for a very long time. I've had a lot of crap happen to me all my life, but none of it was by my parents.
I don't even try to remember most of my childhood. Seems like I've blocked it out. I try once in a while when someone mentions something, but I can't seem to retrieve any good stuff.
Only things that surface are the things I don't want to remember. So most of the time I don't even try. I just tell them NOPE, DON'T REMEMBER.
Rants are good. Rant away any time you want.
Leisa
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Hi everyone, I am feeling a bit better at the moment. I woke early today and dressed and left before DH got up. Things actually heated up again before I went to bed. DH started in on me about something totally stupid. He missed the part where I came home and fumed about mom but saw that I'd been crying while talking to sis on the phone and that set him off, the tears. He gets angry because mom can hurt me and he can't STAND it when I cry. Must be some sort of man thing about their women crying. He's always seemed to take it personally. So, he saw that I had done a tiny bit of shopping for some household needs, not for me, not for fun and he BLEW HIS TOP telling me things are going to get worse before they get better and that there are things that I don't even know about (because he thinks he is sheltering me by keeping stressful things to himself). I have no clue what he was meaning but he was taking it out on me verbally. AND I DIDN'T DESERVE THAT EITHER.
WTH? Is life so much more stressful now for some reason. Other than no money, jobs are unavailable, DHs business is failing fast, DS is on 3 yrs probation, DD1 is on 12 months probation and DD2 ... UH HUH.... YEP...................... HOLY COW!!!!!!!!
SHES PREGNANT.............AGAIN ! OMG. OMG X A ZILLION.
O
M
G !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Connie...you WIN!!!!!
Congratulations! You have the shittiest life of anyone on the thread. Way to go, girlfriend. I think I squeaked in a close second....we still don`t have the gas turned on, so cold water for the last 3 weeks does not help my temperament!! 0 -
Connie, yep, you win the shittiest life! All I can say is I love you. I hope things get better soon.
Barbe, I hope you're making use of a wet washcloth and the microwave! I love you too.
I'm a cold-hearted swede, lol, so I emotionally release the drama from my life...but I do end up lonely..my mom died and my alzheimer(step) dad took my entire inheritance/family treasures and gave it to a woman to take care of him till he dies. The rest will go to his son. We have no contact. My brother still thinks I stole my mom's rings before she died and can't bring himself to have a relationship with me. I didn't. Oh well. My daughter abandoned me 3/4 thru chemo saying I was too needy. (I was in the crying jag stage) Haven't heard from her in a year. I can't control what these people are doing or feeling, so I just let the anger and sorrow go. (mostly).
So, Connie and Barbe, it just is what it is and its our choice as to how to react, as I sit here crying for all of us. Oh yeah, we all got BC!! LIfe is sure sucking right now and I just don't get it. But its nice to have someone sympathize and 'listen'. HUGS~
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{{{{{{{{{ Ruth }}}}}}}}} You're in a BAD place right now!! Get the hell out of there!!!!!!!
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I'm like that cat holding on by the tips of its claws.
Someone, throw us a lifeline !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Just found out yesterday that probate on my MIL's will could be as long as 3-4 months!! Are you kidding me??? We need that money to pay for the gas so we can have a hot shower!!!! We met our niece at a Tim Hortons near Toronto to sign the release (she is a lawyer) so at least we don't have to pay legal fees!!
I bet the gas company has come by to see if we've by-passed their lock on our system. I mean really, who else would go on like normal without hot water? Now, if it was the computer line, hell, I'd sell a kidney!! In fact, last night I aksed my DH if I could get rid of my bad kidney to pay for the gas....hehehehhehe.
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Barbe, what a great attititude you have, girl! Your hehehehe ALWAYS gets me going!.
Small rant, a "friend" called to gloat about the birth of her 5th grandbaby. She actually had the nerve to say she was exhausted from babysitting the older ones for her daughter while she was in hospital. I almost hung up on her. I would move heaven and earth to be a grandmother and my daughters have chosen to not have children.
Teklya
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{{{{{{{Teklya }}}}}}}}} I feel SO bad for you!! I don't know what to say. Two daughters say no? My brother said no until he was 50, maybe there is hope???? My daughter knows she only wants ONE. She's done. My son and step-daughter are both having more. My step-son says no, he think the world needs cleaning up first! Good luck on that one!!
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Wow!! I havent won anything since I was 10 and entered the YogiBear Jellybean Sweepstakes by submitting many entries via mail. All the kids in the neighborhood were jealous because I got to appear on the local after school kiddy TV show to accept the prizes which were for a much younger child, mostly. I do still have the Hanna-Barbara dinner plate with yogi, boo-boo, Huckelberry Hound, Snagglepuss and El-Kabong and some other cartoon creatures from the very early 60's. It was a big box full of crap like a cowboy hat sized for a 2 year old. But I WON!
Ruth, I so agree with you, that it is better to vent AND to know that we aren't alone. My mom-monster still takes me by surprise with what I affectionately call, "venom". Her words can be so sharp and time after time, I never see it coming. So, I'm chronically unprepared to confront her or just plain chicken-shit to talk back to her or even call her out on stupid, mean things she has done. But she does them all the time. Seems like I would know by now.
My brother thinks I have taken stuff from mom's house too. Double-trouble stuff, he believes that my kids have taken from her as well. So, he chooses not to have a relationship with me, except to tell me what to do from time to time. I usually laugh at him now. He can't hurt me anymore. Although, I'm ever the optimist, always have a Christmas gift for him even though he has successfully avoided me and mine for the last 3 years.
Oh, and DH wrote an apology note for his behavior, then more apologies over dinner. I know he's stressed but I am too and we really shouldn't take it out on each other. Sometimes there isn't anyone else around, you know? I knew something was up, more than the flat tire, the washer suddenly stopping spinning (with a full load of wet towels). Then the dryer quit spinning as well. WHAT?? yes it did. I went to a Laundromat for the first time in, like, 15 years, lugging laundry SUCKS. Replacing two applliances just isn't going to happen, we will have to fix both ourselves. But we did drag the set that DD2 had stored in our 'barn', and HAH... her dryer was screwed up too, so we are 'borrowing' her washer temporarily.
There just HAS to be light at the end of this tunnel, right? The economy isn't moving forward much around here but the news reports make it sound better. Where? and When will it get way down south? and now the humidity and the HEAT. AND there is smoke from fires south of us, it hangs in the air for days at a time. UGH.
Sure wish I had better things to write about. Oh yeah, my FORTY year high school reunion is next month. It's $60pp. I dunno, maybe we will go. Maybe more people in my class look worse than I do and are doing about the same as we are. Might be worth the effort. What do you think?
Connie
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Connie, you go to the reunion dressed to the very teeth you are going to lie through!!! No one knows what anyone's life is really like and if you can still smile, you must be doing okay. I went to work everyday for the past month without hot water and no one knew it. I was still clean and dressed well and was my jolly old self. Who's to tell??
We haven't had a washer or dryer since October and it's just as well as we don't even have any hot water now. Still owe the $1,500. I only see it coming through my DH's mother's estate whenever that bloody thing settles! Oh the relief to pay off all debt!!
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I had not gone to a reunion until my 40th. Although I had obviously changed over the years, the others who were there had really, really changed. One of my heart throbs was bald, paunchy, scruffy, as were several others. More than one were on second or third marriages.
Since I still had my yearbook, I took a pad of Post Its and had those in attendance add a current note. Go, enjoy and take lots of photos.
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Connie, my 40th is in July too. I called and said I wanted to see everyone (lie) but not working and doctor bills...the treasurer said I could pay 1/2. I don't care if she blabs to everyone...they will figure out I had cancer when they see my hair/boobs/weight and 1/2 the class isn't working either. Ours is $80 pp. I just want to drop by after dinner and say hi to a few people, so mission accomplished. Gram, I lost my yearbook when my stepdad got alzheimers and threw all my stuff out. What a great idea tho.
Yea, Barb, I have come into very small amounts of money twice, and both times used it to pay off bills. Oh to have splurge money, I can't imagine!!! I would get a caretaker so I could get smaller implants, I would get a mini face lift, I would buy a newer car, I would take a VACATION.
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There is some real suckiness here and I am going to add to it. I don't know what is wrong with me - only that both legs and both arms hurt. I don't know if it is fibromyalgia or what. My left shoulder was replaced due to a fall; however, the right one now hurts more as does my right elbow. The back of my right leg hurts so much that I have to stand for a few seconds before I can actually put weight on it. My left hip needs to be replaced. The problelm is I have horrible insurance until I get Medicare in November and I can't afford to run up medical bills. The pain is really bad and I am not one to show grace under pressure! I wish I was - but I am NOT. In otherwords I don't suffer in silence!
Barbe - am so sorry to hear about your woes - like you didn't already have enough on your plate! It is infuriating to see money so close yet so far away. I hope the will gets settled soon. My sister (who is worth millions) is the same as your brother - her famous line - I'm not the bank. And, even if she does give you anything you are expected to be verbally grateful for the rest of your life!
Connie - I have been away for a while too. Sorry about all the drama in your life but I agree that you should not allow the girlfriend to move back in = you simply don't need nor should you tolerate the stress.
Ruth - I'm so sorry about the crap in your life - family can and will drive you crazy. I don't have any children so no stress there and both parents have been gone over 20 years; however, before they left they did plenty of damage that I am still trying to fix. I am glad you decided to foster .. that will bring joy to your life. I can't take in another animal because of restrictions where I live and I can't walk a dog due to leg pain. If it weren't for my cat I probably wouldn't get out of bed.
Here's to some improvement in the suckiness.
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No improvement here yet. Did I mention I took myself off work for 'stress leave'?? I'll get more on STD right now than I would get in commissions!! I had to stop at exactly the right time so that it looked like I was going to make a certain amount this year, as that is what they'll base their payments to me on. I get 15 weeks. I wonder if I'll go crazy? I don't feel guilty anymore. I deserve to be off! Just the stress of having to shower in cold water is enough!!! Good thing the weather is warm here....
I have to get a doctors' letter, but he was off last week. It will be hell trying to get through this week!! I am going to see a psychiatrist too, so maybe I can go on LTD and make my friggin' company pay for me for the rest of my life!! Wouldn't that be grand? I'll work cash-only jobs....on the side of course!
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I 'think' on disability (LT) you can earn up to a certain amount without penalty...not much, but some. I saw a shrink, and bottom line, she lovingly said, get over it. she gave me meditation, music and some tasks to emphasize the now. good luck
ENJOY your 15 weeks off. do nothing. watch tv. eat. the stress will literally make you sick! de-stress and be good to yourself. ya!!!
Kathleen- I don't suffer well either...no one asks how I am any more, lol!! All that needs replacing? you just need short term pain meds because that sucks!!!!! No need to suffer! Did you tell your doc you have to wait till Nov and you need relief now? I level with my pcp's and they always help me out. ugh, i ran out of ativan last night and i took 4 compazine at 2am, and i'm still zonked. ugh!!!! i got more today and dr. appt is thurs...4pm..back to the sofa....zzzzz
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Barbe - that's great news. I constantly wondered how you could work everyday - I am so happy you have some relief. I hope you can go on LTD too. That would be awesome.
Ruth - no meds without testing - can't afford tests right now - you know how they go crazy testing you and then can't say what's wrong! With my old doctor he would listen to a new complaint and respond with "umm." Yeah, I find it fascinating too Doc - what do I do about it. More tests, of course! Fortunately, my sister is a doctor and she can write me a prescription for pain - she's coming over Saturday. Thank God.
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K- Thank God x2.
ok, sorry to unload, but crap! Got all my 6mo Onc f/u visit blood tests. Negative for ANA (inflammatory diseases), negative for problems w/liver, etc functions, negative for potassium shortage, long story short...nothing wrong. Tumor marker 10.5. That's good. I am hurting all over my stupid stinkin' body!!! It feels like this thing * is tingly and burning in every muscle in my body. I thought I was having an auto immune response to cancer, but ANA says no. I can barely walk, my arms are too heavy to type. wtf? I rode my bike a mile yesterday, walked the dog 3x, did a load of laundry, changed my sheets, etc...for most of the day. Rested a total of probably 4 hours or more.... so not over or under exerting. I'm still wearing the heart monitor with palpitations here and there. I can not stand feeling crappy for another day. I mean it. I can't even get comfy on the sofa...squirming with need to flex muscles and them burning with inactivity. Flex them, then ache. Cycles over and over. Not RLS. I need to die to get relief. How can I make this kill me? I survived BC for this ?????????
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tnbcRuth - I sure hope you get some relief soon.
Barbe - good for you, get some rest, de stress
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ladies, I hear you and I feel for you. How shitty!
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Ruth - I hear you - last night I was in constant pain and felt like life was not worth living like that but what does your doc say is causing it? I do feel better this morning. I started using this gel that reports to help pain - I think it works!?
What about getting some muscle relaxers? Hang in there.
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Ah Ruth, I hear you sister!!! Your heart palpitations are normal, we are allowed to miss beats, too! I've worn a Holter 3-4 times over the years, but nothing has caught what I call my 'bubble' when it feels like a big bubble of air is trying to get through...oh well.
You did more yesterday than I could do in one day, so yes, I do think you over exerted yourself!! That is a LOT to do. That's why I don't think I could ever get a dog. The walking part. There are days I can't get down the stairs, never mind be able to balance on one leg to pull on pants. So you are doing better than you think. Stop and do nothing! Let your body catch up.
All my clothes are slip on, elastic waists, etc so there are no zippers or buttons. My fingers just can't do them most days.
Yesterday at my doc my bp was 150/66. I was blown away!!! I only get to the 66 when I'm on morphine.... The 150 is okay for me too. Very pleased already.
At the onc, she wasn't there and I got a step-in. Doi! I've only seen the other one twice - once a year!! This one was rather brusque saying I've got a good prognosis (never asked) but there is something wrong in my blood. She gave me the blood work to take to my GP. And here we go again!!!!!
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I"m going to my pcp tomorrow, but I am not hopeful she'll fix things. I was hoping the onc could shed some light on my feeling sh**y, but she just said 'hang in there'. thanks b*tch. She really knows nothing past dosages for chemo. Everything I mentioned, she recommended a new specialist.
I've tried millions of things, what's the name of the gel? I got a massage yesterday afternoon...I was desperate. Of course signed up for monthly, lol, but have 3 days to rescind. I felt like someone had tried to rip my arms and legs off my torso. Hard to walk, hard to type, and a little better today. My sore left side still has the leg joint burning. Muscle relaxers only help short term and I'm so messed up in the am....hazy head!
Enough griping. Going for a haircut!! Why mess with long hair in hot humid Florida? No chance of getting a date looking this silly, so convenience wins! Ok, I do understand not getting down the stairs and feel so for you. What a hateful way to be handicapped. How do you keep your sanity? BP is always an issue.....keep up the good numbers! Maybe you have something that can be fixed!! Blood test wise.
Hugs,
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I take 17 medications a day and some of them are for blood pressure which is why we were pretty excited to see the bp so low.
As for oncs, I've read enough on this forum to know that they don't care; unless it's cancer. They don't want to hear it. Truly!!! Your PCP is your best bet.
As for my bloodwork...who's going to look into it? Me? How? Nice of her to point it out and leave me hanging, eh?
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Ruth...I think we're twins
Of course, that's not really a good thing for either of us..I got for my 3 month check in tomorrow and I'm sure my onc is going to be thrilled to find out that I've stopped my meds. It hasn't helped me with my joint pain or stomach issues, but I can tell you I have a whole lot more energy and I'm in a better place mentally then I was 3 months ago. I don't care what she says...I'm not going on another med. They've sent me to 5 or 6 "specialists" trying to figure out why I have so much pain post chemo -none of them have found anything definitive. I even tried acupuncture and some other remedies - all to no avail. I don't know if cancer will ever knock on my door again or not -but taking a pill isn't a promise that it won't and the way I felt on them was no way to live - so I'm doing what's best for me. Right now, my pain is managed most days with a low dose of pain meds and with a clear head, and no more constant fatigue, I can handle the bad days much better. I sure do wish you some relief...I know the hell you are in and it sucks! Listen to Barbe though...take it easy, you may not think you did a lot but that sure sounds like a lot to me!! Kathleen...so good to see you posting - I've been a busy bee the past few weeks so I haven't spent much time on here...I'm sorry to see you're having a hard time of it too. Shouldn't the warmer months be easier on us??? (((hugs))) girls...
I was so sad to read about the passing of Elizabeth - I know she was having a hard time of it lately, but there are just some spirits you think will always over come, you know? I'll miss her posts for sure...
stay cool my friends, stay cool!
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