Im bitchy, I moan, I groan.....anyway.
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Wow, I crashed and burned this afternoon and didn't even see it coming. Was fine this morning and then boom. Not sure what set me off. . .maybe the fact that I haven't had a decent night's sleep in weeks. My dd called and asked if I wanted to come over and help her place the flowers she bought for her house (she says because I'm so good at it). I think that was the start of my freefall, because I'm looking at all the empty beds and pots at my house and am unable to go shopping for plants. . .just wish she would've asked me to go with her and helped pick some out for my house too. . .know she just wasn't thinking and wouldn't intentionally hurt me for the world, but it was just another reminder of how everyone is going on with life while I'm stuck here unable to do anything. Then my dh comes in from work complaining about being hungry because he didn't get a chance to eat lunch and proceeds to just fix something for himself. I had planned to fix a small dinner but he didn't give me a chance. . .told me not to worry about it. . .WTH, I have to eat too. Anyway things escalated and we ended up in a huge argument. It ended with me yelling that I wish he had to endure what I go through for just one day as I was heading up the stairs. I feel bad about saying that, I wouldn't wish this crap on my worst enemy, but it's just so hard when everyone seems to think I should be "getting over it". We're now not talking, but I think maybe having a breakdown in front of him might be a good thing. Other than the day I got my diagnosis, I've done all my crying in private. Maybe I should've always let my family see my fear and anger. I just want to shield them from it.
I feel so blue, this sucks. I hope tomorrow will be a better day.
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jdash -- in my experience (as a non-car owner) you do not need to have car insurance to rent a car. they also give you the option of getting collision or LDW (??) for an extra $10 - 20/day. Also, credit cards often offer some limited coverage (for free) when the rental is charged to the card.
sam408/sheila: "Other than the day I got my diagnosis, I've done all my crying in private." And you were diagnosed over a year ago. Boy, that is a long time to protect your family from your fear and anger. I'm glad you put the shield down for moment as painful as it was. I'm sorry your day sucked and your flower beds are empty. You really deserve some sleep...and some flowers in your flower beds. (Is it worth asking dd to go with you to get some? I really think everything is better with flowers. And I live in a tiny apt without room for so much as a windowbox!)
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Awww, Sheila. A big hug to you and I hope you and your dh patch things up soon. I think it's our curse for appearing to be so strong. Others think we are doing fine and continue with their days and lives because we don't complain. Then when we have a total meltdown they can't imagine where it comes from. Cry, rant, rave and pull the C card when you need to. We're human, imperfect and need to be nurtured, too. We may be our husbands, childrens, friends, partners, "Rock", but sometimes we need to let it all go.
Speaking of rock...rockthebald...loved the poem...
My daughter took off to visit her dad for dinner so I'm gonna have waffles...with lots of fattening butter and syrup! Cancer sucks!
Linda
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Sheila,
You are so strong, but we all need to cry, and not just in private. Please share your fear and pain with someone, even if it's not your family.
rockthebald, i LOVED the poem.
jdash, hope your appt. goes well. Let us know, sorry you are scared.
harley, shirley says you are not fat. I am sorry, but I believe shirley.
hope everyone has a great night.
One more joke: what do you get when a midget clairvoyant escapes from the circus? A small medium-at-large.
Love all you guys,
Sue
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Rock the bald- LOVED the poem!!
To everyone else, may tomorrow not be as sucky....
Deb C
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Wow...lots of stuff to catch up on for 3 pages. Let me start with "That Sucks" to all who need it and even for anyone who doesn't, just for good measure (you can save it for later - lol)!
Rock - LOVED the poem! Glad your dad is getting better and your sister...twice?? In the same conversation even?!? WTH!?
Shirley - sooo sorry about the cat. My roommate in graduate school had a cat and he and my miniature poodle would play together - hilarious! They were our comic relief ~ hugs to you and your dd!
Pearl - Shitty issues suck! I know...I had my share recently (albeit acute) but I also have IBS and am constantly on the bowel rollercoaster it is. I hope you get some relief soon.
Lorena - maybe you should send your dbf an email? At least you'd get his attention...men suck sometimes!
Dani - hope the surgery goes as well as it possibly can - for both you and your mom.
Otter - I knew it! I just knew you had some kind of education that was medicine related. The way you write in your "educational" posts about stuff is just too knowledgable! Thanks for making stuff digestable...
If I missed anyone, here's an extra "That Sucks!!" from me. Don't have any myself for today...but there's always tomorrow.
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www.stupidcollege.com/Video/Giraffe_In_Quicksand.wmv
Since it's a slow day, I thought I'd pass along this "inspirational meditation" that my little sister (an Alaskan, Deb!) sent me. It takes a little while to load, but trust me, it is worth the wait. I apologize for the giraffe's pottymouth.
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Just thought I'd let you all know that they finally found my MIL's MRI and she is going for a biopsy tomorrow. It would really suck if this is a recurrence, both she and FIL have been struggling with lots of aches and pains this winter... I'm planning to send the family out to visit them this summer (1500 miles away) while I'm stuck here getting nuked every day. It sucks to spend the money on a trip that won't be "fun" but I think they really need to see their son and grandkids.
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Well, now...that video just about says it all, Rock.
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Since this thread was pretty quiet today, I hope it means everyone had a less than sucky day.
revkat - Glad they found her MRI, hope the biopsy is b9. You're right a visit from the kids will be a good thing. Sucks you can't join them.
rock - Cute video. Think we've all "been the giraffe" at some point during our journey.
Today was much better for me than yesterday. DH and I eased things up. DD and I went out for flowers today and it made me feel so much better. . .especially getting out of the house. This week is the first I've been out in 6 weeks (except for dr appts) and it's just what I need. Now I've got to get DH to dig the holes. . .
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Hi girls,
Well, I guess I spoke too soon this morning (on another thread), because I did not have a happy Sunday. Actually, I'm not really sure what made it not happy except that I was not happy. I'm having one of "those" days again - just anxious and sad and weepy. I tried to protect the kids from it all afternoon, but the last straw was when I took out the trash after dinner.
So I lift out the bag and there's this gross, chocolate-y brown, watery-like substance at the bottom of the can. I had already set the bag on the floor in anticipation of putting a new one in. Now I realize that I've contaminated my floor as well and heave it outside. So I carry the can outside because it's so tall I have to use the hose and then I realize I might want some Lysol, too. Only after I put in the liquid Lysol do I realize I have no place to dump this except in the toilet because all our outside drains run to the ocean and we have an underground creek in the back of our property that feeds into the big creek. So I feel environmentally bound NOT to dump this outside because it might give someone cancer!! For crimeny *&%# sake!! When I come in to dump the Lysol/bacteria infected water into my toilet, my 4 y.o. dd is bawling her head off at something her big sister did (for the 27th time today) and I lost it. Cried, yelled, jumped up and down. I'm sure they thought mom had gone crazy. I felt crazy. BC makes you crazy!! And then I had mom-guilt.
The one good thing was my older dd and I were able to talk about it afterwards and I told her why I have to have chemo and that it's scary to me. But I don't like these days when I feel emotionally unpredictable - I repeat, I DON'T LIKE THEM! I'm sure I won't like the actual chemo any better than the anticipation of it because it all SUCKS!
O.K., thanks for listening - going to bed now.
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Wow, I keep hoping I'll come to this thread and find there's no one to say, "That sucks" to....AGHHHHHHHH
So, welcome to Monday which could more rightly be called SUCKday.
Again, I have read pages of suckiness but by the time I get down to post a message it's all run together into one giant puss-filled boil of sucktation. Forgive me for not addressing you all individually when I scream,"THAT SUCKS!" It's not that I don't care...
Now, listen to my crap:
So, I started my XELODA yesterday. One thing they insisted I do is to eat 1/2 hour before taking it. That shouldn't be a problem, right? WRONG. I can honestly tell you that I have eaten breakfast less than a dozen times in my 40 years. It used to drive my mom crazy when I was a kid because I wouldn't eat breakfast. Anyway, I decided to buy some easy things to make the breakfast thing doable. What do I end up doing? I burned an entire pack of bacon in the microwave! GRRRRRR I was hoping to get it all cooked at once so I could use it all week. So, I ended up having a few slices of cheese and part of an english muffin. I honestly felt like puking BEFORE I started eating it. I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to keep this up...
I have to choke down 5 large XELODA pills twice a day in addition to the 12 others. Good grief! If the stinking XELODA itself doesn't cause me to be nauseous, just drinking enough water and eating along with them is going to keep me on the verge. THAT SUCKS.
One thing about the XELODA that doesn't suck: I told my husband that rubbing lotion/cream into my feet was something my onc was very insistant about. I can't stay bent over long enough to do it because of the mets in my spine/hips, so told dh he has to do it. I got a twenty minute foot rub last night!
Here's hoping for a decidedly non-sucky Monday to you all!
Diane
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revkat, that sucks about your mil but hope her biopsy is benign.
cristine, that sucks about losing it with your kids but we have all done it, i can't tell you how many times I have apologized to my kids....
diane, I am sorry you have mets and have to take xeloda AND eat breakfast. That really sucks.
I am day 5 of TAC#2 and feel like crap emotionally today....just grieving all the change and loss of control all over again
hope everyone's monday is better.
Sue
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Nope. No such luck. Today is just as sucky as yesterday was. You name it: sore mouth, swollen tongue, Neulasta pains, diarrhea, lack of appetite (gee, I wonder why?). At least, not-from-concentrate lemonade, and lime popsicles, seem to cut through the slime.
Hey, everybody, all your stuff SUCKS. Now, how about this?:
Where is it written that, once you've been dx'd with BC, every third movie is about a woman who is dying of cancer? My dh rented a movie from Netflix that looked really funny and weird in the previews that came with another movie. So, we started watching it last night, and it turned out to be sort of an "Ordinary People"-type flick....the people were anything but ordinary. That's OK, I figured. I can't identify with these jerks and how they abuse each other, but at least there are some good actors in here and some of the lines are funny.
<<<<<<<<CAUTION--SPOILER AHEAD>>>>>>>>>
Then, about halfway through the movie, someone lets on that the matriarch of the family (Diane Keaton) "isn't doing very well." WTF? Someone may have even whispered, "It's back."
So about 2/3 of the way through, "Mom" admits that she "doesn't think she'll be around" to see her oldest son get married. And, a few minutes later, "Mom" and dear Dad are making out in bed, and he reaches into her nightshirt to fondle her right bosom, and ... there isn't one. There is a clearly visible, red mast scar on her chest. Ackkkkkkk!!!
Damndamndamn.
<<<<<<<MORE SPOILER WARNINGS>>>>>>>>>>
Naturally, things "progress", and by the end of the movie, a year has elapsed and ... Mom is gone.
Crap. It's happened 3 times so far, since my dx in January. "Funny" movie ends up being about the very thing that haunts us (me, anyway). I really need a comedy.
otter
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Oh, otter,
So sorry about all the se's from your chemo!! IT SUCKS!
That is just horrible! Ya know, after I was dx'd, I noticed that it seemed that NOT A DAY went by, without something in the news, or on TV, or in a movie that either mentioned bc OR breasts in some reference. Even a comedian was on the morning show of FOXNEWS, and.. oh, yes, it was Raymond from Everybody Loves Raymond, and he did a few BOOB jokes... NOT FUNNY!
Ok... the BOLD just turned itself on...I did NOT do it on purpose! Then I tried to take it off, but it wouldn't change...
Another friend from bc.org was telling me that after she started chemo, and she lost her hair, she kept seeing commercials on TV for shampoo, and other hair care products. I didn't notice this.
You get Netflix? So DO we, and I LOVE it! We love these weird, psychological thrillers! Some of them are just BEYOND weird... so a word of caution.
My gripe? I'm having that nipple surgery on Thursday, and I just started that new job, and she scheduled me to work Friday, the day AFTER my surgery! If I already posted this, sorry! I can't seem to stop thinking about it... oh, and another gripe... MEN... sometimes they just frustrate me!
Harley
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Otter,
that sucks that your se's are bad. That also sucks about the movie thing...it has happened to us too.
Harley, that sucks that you have to work friday....after surgery on thursday...i would just do what shirley sez and quit that job!!!
I took a nap and had weird dreams but i feel better.
sorry, nothing more to bitch about.
is traci moving? I need the bitch-slap video for my big sister's crap.
see ya
sue
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Traci... hope your move isn't too sucky!! Moving SUCKS!
Sue, I guess it was MY fault, for starting my job hunt BEFORE I finished my reconstruction surgery! Oh, well... I'll see how this week goes, and if it sucks too bad, then I'll quit.
Oh, another gripe I have... We have this homeowners assocation, and they tell you what color to paint your house... that kind of crap. Well, some of our neighbors have 'snitched' and reported us for building a shelter to hide our unsightly trash can. Yep... it seems that we used WOOD, and my dh built it himself, and it really looks very nice, if I don't say so... Well, the HOA says that we needed to use VINYL or a wrought-iron fence around the trash can. So now we need to tear that one down, and send in an APPLICATION to the HOA telling them what we are planning to do, and get their approval. The dumb thing about a wrought iron fence is that... DUH! There are all these HOLES, and you can see the trash can thru the stupid holes!!! HELLO.... how stupid is that!?
Sorry if any of you work at a home owners association... they are so silly, and very unproductive. Oh, and the neighbors that reported us claim that they are doing so in order to get elected to the board of directors. They DID report us anonymously, but, we know who they are... SO, WHO is going to vote for these freakin' little weasel snitches???Sorry, I guess I am madder than I thought!
Harley
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All I have time to say IT ALL SUCKS!
Diane, I wanted to say I took Xeloda. I kept that Bag Balm, or was it the other stuff, on my hands and feet ALL the time. I never had a problem. The palms of my hands and the bottoms of my feet were a bit red, but that's all. I was very fortunate. Only thing, I wonder if it was working since it didn't really bother me. Oh, and I didn't get diarrhea from it..well once..but I think that was a virus. My onc told me if I did get diarrhea to take Immodium EVERYTIME my bowels moved. He said NOT to pay attention to the directions. I'm sure your onc gave you the instructions you need. I'm sorry you are having trouble eating. I can't remember if I ate or not. I would think I did though.
It sucks, but I've got to change some beds...like I said..kids are coming home. I was trying to smile while making one bed...TRYING...and thinking how happy I should be that they will ALL be here. I would be happy if I could twitch my nose and all the work was done. I don't feel like cleaning! I shouldn't complain.
Shirley
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Harley,
My dh and I think those people who WANT to be involved in home owner's associations are strange people anyway. There is this town near us which is really a glorified subdivision but the hoa was POWERFUL and the people had MONEY so they grew it into a town named Trophy Club. (My dh and I call it Trophy Town). Anyway, all the people are pretty, the women at the grocery store all have perfect makeup and hair and perfectly behaved nicely-dressed children, you know, nothing like the real world. Well we read in the paper that they crafted an ordinance in Trophy Town that no one's lawn could be higher than 11 inches high. So my husband said, You know, I would be outside on my knees with the scissors, every night, keeping that grass 10 3/4 inches high!!!
Hope nobody loves hoa's and/or is offended, I just hate the pretentiousness. We live in a house that was built in 1890, it's not a victorian beauty but a genuine, family farmhouse with a round rock well house and a dinner bell in the front yard. When we moved out here 15 years ago, there were cows on all three sides of us and cows across the street. The land around us has been sold and developed and they have put up McMansions with rules about what color their fencing has to be and all that stuff. And these people don't seem to have any real class to me--the next-door neighbor calls me up one day and says, "we are having a pool put in, and I don't want the truck to mess up my lawn, can he drive across yours?" I guess mine doesn't matter because they don't see the Chemlawn truck over here once a week, my dh does it himself, but to me I can't tell the difference!!
Wow, Harley, I guess I was madder than I thought, too!!
That felt great!!
Sue
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Harley, I didn't see your last post. Darn, I'm sorry about your stupid neighbors and the HOA. I hate that. If we EVER move I do not want to live where there's an HOA. There's upsides to it and downsides. They'd kick us out.
Shirley
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When suckiness rains, it pours.
Otter: Shortly after I was diagnosed, I woke up in the middle of the night having left the TV on. Woke up just as Peter from adult cartoon series "Family Guy" was announcing that he had breast cancer (the "Death is a Bitch" episode). I was like, "Am I awake? Am I dreaming? Is this real? Do I have breast cancer?" It was awful to realize that it was ALL real.
Sue: I love any post that mentions cows. (I grew up on a farm) There are not enough mentions of cows on these threads. (And the neighbors' question -- What the --???!)
SUCKS. HERE'S THE CRAP:
[ deleted ]
Embarrassing confession: In an attempt to keep my sh*t together, I have spent much of the day listening to Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now" and Rare Earth's "I Just Want to Celebrate." Times like these, I really want a drink, or seven.
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I also have the weight gain, fatigue, short curley hair, night sweats, trouble sleeping, no desire for social settings, scars, fear of cancer and so on...but I haven't heard any one mention lack of sex drive, I'm I the only one that has a issue with this? This one leaves me with a lot of guilt towards my husband.
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It really SUCKS that I have had no time to read your post and hear your It Sucks comments!!!
But I will let you all know,
It sucksthat I had to take my Mom to Cardiac cath today and they had to put in a stent for her blockage. But all is well with that.
The real it sucks is that I got an infection from surgery 4wks ago, exchange , and apparently the knot at end of incision was to big to be absorbed so infection started in, they put me back on antibiotics 1000mg of keflex. I told you all this, but the new news is and I do think they could be related although dr thinks not....Saturday night I find a "breast Lump", yes the only good thing about bilateral was that I was not supposed to have anymore BL. But yes I do...
So I go to ultrasound today at 10:30 after what my DH calls manipulating the medical world and get an appt when I am already there with Mom at Cath Lab. So.... Radio Dr says it can be two things
1. Sub something cyst
2. Cancer recurrence or new cancer
Since I am only suppose to have DCIS, you know the GOOD cancer I should not be having a recurrence. No microinvasion or lymphnode involvement.
Had two Atypical hyperplasia tumors next to the two areas of DCIS high grade comedeo, but my node came out clear with lots of infection still in it from staph infection in November.
My problem is Radio dr wants surgery asap to decide and I have total hyster and ooph tomorrow and I have NO idea when they will let me travel an hour away to have this procedure done.
The lump is small but has grown since Saturday, so it is now visible in the skin, maybe almost doubled since Saturday.!!!! I think that leans towards cyst right? I really have not had much in the way of cysts in the past.
Any help you can provide I would appreciate greatly.
I don't know when I will be back on this site, so just answer and i will check tonight and in the AM if I can.
I woke up at 2:30 am and have not had a great day so I plan on hitting the sack early.
Thanks girls,
Daniella
Sorry I have not been here! A big hardy THAT SUCKS to all!
Love you girls!!!
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Oh Daniella, that TOTALLY sucks!
(How about the BS traveling an hour to do the biopsy while you're out for hyst/ooph? Probably doesn't have privileges at that hospital... not practical... etc... but still it would be nice if someone could give you a two-fer or three-fer...)
I'm sorry, I don't have much in the way of advice or info -- just hugs, thoughts, wishes, prayers for all to go well for you!
Love,
Ann
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Hey Ann,
No he does not have privileges at this hospital. Sucks yes!
I am going to hit the hay thanks for your thoughts and prayers!
Bye,
Daniella
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mrave0-
What's s-e-x? Sorry you are having so much trouble! I am very familiar with the night flashes, trouble sleeping, depression,... etc... oh, and even though some of us are taking anti depressants, I've been told that I can't, because the only anti depressant that they would give me would be Effexor, and my onc tells me that even Effexor can interfere with Tamoxifen, so I will just have to suffer. So, I understand what you are talking about... IT SUCKS!!
rockthebald,
So sorry to hear about your sister!! I'm glad though that your Dad is doing a little better, still, so sorry that he is still in danger!
Daniella,Oh, I am so sorry that you are going through this! IT SUCKS! Hope it is just a cyst, and just b-9. Sending HUGS to you!! I'll be thinking about you, and praying for GOOD NEWS! Please post to let us know how you are doing.
Harley
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o.k. I was three pages behind and I'm really happy that we can all get a little vent going on her without all the "it's gonna be fine b*shit!"
I've been packing my crap and saying my goodbyes. I wonder.....
Rock, I've got 4 sisters. I'm about to work for one and live with another one. God, if you are there, I know my Xanax won't be enoug....please help.
Hugs, Traci
ps I've gained weight and now my foob job has to be the worst on the planet. No tight shirt for me. IT SUCKS!!!!!!
Hugs, Traci
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Foob jobs, weight gain, (some) sisters, packing -- SUCK.
You, however, started this thread and absolutely do not suck. THANK YOU.
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Daniella,
Big hugs for tomorrows surgery and I hope the lump is proven to be B9.
Traci,
Packing and moving SUCKS big time. I have two sisters. One has walked down this BC path beside me, the other is in LaLa Land with no clue. One out of two ain't bad!
I will echo Harley...what's s-e-x?
Rockthebald,
So sorry to hear about your sister.
My bitch for the night. Youngest daughter has her Senior Ball on Saturday night. If she gives me attitude one more time I'm gonna bop her upside the head. As if the world revolves around her and all her frickin' plans...my bad...it appears it does!
Linda
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Daniela, I wish I could make some of this stop happening all at the same time for you. It SUCKS! Couldn't they maybe just do a punch biopsy while you are under tomorrow? And then if something further needs to be done, your real BS could tend to it later after you are healed up and able to travel to him? My prayers are that it's all just fibroma-type reactions to stitches and recon. At least you will have some enforced down time after the surgery - please try to rest.
Sheila - recovering from that surgery is not linear. You cannot have expectations of yourself - just go with it and be grateful that your body actually WILL heal from such an incredible assault. And you will end up with breasts that do NOT feel like cold Tupperware bowls. I actually go out Dragon Boating with Team Survivor San Diego each weekend. On other days I am grumpy that my foobs hurt. But this is progress. You will get there too.
Otter - chemo sucks. You have every right to have sucky days. Neulasta sucks. It's not fair to have movies suck, too. I recommed ol' Cary Grant. Smooth, handsome, charming - no cancer, no suffering. Large helpings of debonair wit.
Harley. if your new boss can't show some flexibility about your nipple surgery on Thurs. and working on Fri. and she insists on your wearing clothes you cannot afford - maybe you need to think about how you got along without this job two weeks ago and how you could get along without it next week and tell her you'll check back with her in June!?! Or try her competitors?
I know, the economy is bad, but how many times does a woman get a nipple cut off her thigh?!?Linda - I rmember the Prima Donna weeks of Senior Prom, etc. Do NOT envy you. But scooch in there with a camera now and then for the memories, you both will treasure them. I have to say I was so relieved to read a while back that you went ahead and had the BRCA testing. When you had described your experience and your history, it raised mucho red flags for me (also BRCA-1+). It's tough, but it is best to know. For us, the relief was that my younger sister is neg. My 23yr.old daughter has not yet chosen to be tested (even though I told her that's what I wanted for Mother's Day
). It matters because we go early with our specific mutation, with many diagnoses happening in late 20's.
You and your famliy are in my thoughts as you await the results from Utah. The whole damn thing SUCKS!Traci - are you still packing, woman!?! Do you really wanna take all that shit with you?
You have my admiration, moving is hard work! I did it six years ago, from 3000sq ft. down to 1000sq. ft and plan to never do it again. Especially now that chemo has turned me into such a weenie. But Texas will be worth it - no more Yankee Country for you! (I'm a Texas native myself. A Cowboy fan through all those years of high school and college in Redskin country!) I'm glad to hear you have a couple of sisters waiting to 'ease the transition'. Now listen to my CRAP: I had my first PET/CT today. My cheapo HMO doesn't do them with initial staging. This one was finally ordered because now, ten months out of chemo, I've had a cough since before Easter and weird head rushes of pressure in my skull. Not enough to take me to the doctor normally, but something I had to mention when I saw my onc. at my 6 month check-up. I cancelled the scan once because I'm such an impossible stick. But he re-wrote the orders so that I could go in and have the chemo-nurses hit me and then cap it off and then walk over to the PET scan trailer. So, somewhere tonight there is a radiologist who knows if I have to start chemo again - and for the rest of my life- or if I am NED. The tech said the results would be read tonight. Any wagers on when I will hear results?!? If it's bad, I will seriously consider the Bora-Bora option. I've seen the alternative, and uhm, it sucks.
Lisa
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