Hair Hair Hair - Another question
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MDW - I'm 8 wks PFC tomorrow and have the same "receding hairline" problem. Worst case: I'll grow it longer at the crown and comb forward for a "Hail, Caesar!" look. ; )
One_Bad: Ain't this randomness the worst? At least I have baby eyelashes and eyebrow hairs now....
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MDW and Minnesota_Lisa -- I finally started getting some action at my hairline last week (9 weeks PFC). Hang in there. It's coming.
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mvspaulding - you are too sweet. The first picture is a little over 3 months PFC.
SlowDeepBreaths - Hello my Southern California sister! Thank you for the kind words.
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One bad boob - LOVE that song! I had Katy Perry's Roar on replay the whole time I was in treatment, and still listen to it since post treatment has been just as hard in a different way. Fight Song is good too,.
I wish I could be less self conscious about my hair! I want to wear a sign on my head that says, "THE CHEMO DID THIS - NOT MY CHOICE". Of course I don't have enough forehead for that! I had one lady ask me if I had a perm. I thought, Is that what people think?! I haven't had a perm since high school in the 1980's!
I can't remember which lady was commenting about being too self conscious to go to the grocery store, but whoever it was, I am in a similar spot! I feel so dumb for letting this get to me - my husband's exwife has been horrible to me ever since we started dating 12 years ago. I rarely see the woman (thank God), but she lives nearby and I'm always afraid of running into her at the store. My daughter in law is having a baby shower next weekend and I'll have to be around her. I just know she's going to make some snide comment about my hair. Why do I let her get to me?! So stupid.
My eyebrows came in annoying. One side is darker than the other and the hairs point in all different directions. I trim the ones sticking straight out (or up or wherever else they aren't supposed to be facing), but then I'm left with thin eyebrows. It's so frustrating! My fingernails have never fully recovered. They are still a little discolored, esp my thumb, but no where near being brown with deep ridges like during chemo. I also have a couple nail beds that are still receded and I guess they always will be. Why does this little change piss me off?!
I know this is off the subject of this thread, but I just finished recon surgery and I think I'm having a body image crisis. I'm angry about all that cancer has stolen from me. I feel like a freak physically. We are all baddasses since we have been through hell, but our appearance always takes such a hit! If you saw my pic in earlier posts, you'll probably wonder why I'm complaining, but I am always my worst critic. I was having a "good face day" in that pic. It takes a lot of work to look as pretty as I used to. Of course getting older is no help! I always so jealous of you women who don't care what anyone thinks and proudly walk around in all your post chemo glory! I just can't figure out how to do that.
Ugh, sorry - having a rough day.
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The randomness is terribly annoying. The changes seem to keep coming....My nails are back and seem to be hard. Except 1 has an edge that isn't attached. My hair was dark chocolate brown with a few grays....now solid gray with no highlights, just all 1 color, I am having white and lighter gray highlights put in when I get it trimmed in April. Getting it trimmed makes it look like a haircut instead of chemo hair. The worst is definitely body image...the scars are always there, and I do have an implant and with clothes on it looks great...without not so much. I don't do naked anymore...but have great nightgowns. Overall I think cancer sucks. We have and will continue to win this battle!
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catlady, - I am sorry that you are having a crummy day. We all feel that way some times. Your photos are beautiful! You look wonderful! Believe me, - I, too, hate all that cancer has taken. So much about me will never feel or look the same. (I told my ps that I look at least 10 years older in the last 2 years. Of course, he said 'I can fix that'.
but I am so done with looking for more procedures though.) Your face and hair are gorgeous! Feel well and think GOOD thoughts! Hold your head up high, - especially around your husband's ex!!
hugs
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VickiRides: I'm glad to hear you're getting some hairline growth--maybe 9 weeks out will be the magic number for me, too!
My 7-year-old son asked me last night at dinner how long it will be before I have "lady hair" again--meaning, in his definition, hair down to my shoulders like it was before cancer. I broke the news, "Oh, probably more than a year," and he was a little bummed out. When my hair started to fall out and I shaved it off, it was really hard for him. But I told him I might do something interesting with color while it's super short, and that made him smile.
catlady, tjh, anotherNYCGirl: I agree that cancer absolutely sucks for taking so much from us. I've been struggling with this question of what my new normal will be. After fighting through chemo, I just recently had my mastectomy, and I still have reconstruction to go--probably sometime this summer. Which in my case will be reconstruction of the removed breast and reduction of my healthy breast to match. So much change in a year, so much turmoil and trauma and fear. I don't know how I feel about myself/my body anymore. Before breast cancer, I had this image of myself as this very healthy, almost indestructible person. I'd never had a serious illness or injury in my life. Genetically, I come from a long line of pretty healthy, long-lived folks. I had healthy habits, and had been focused on getting some of my less-healthy habits back on track (e.g. had started running again, cleaning up my diet, etc.). Being diagnosed with cancer just wasn't something I ever imagined could happen to me. Now that I've come through the worst of it, I feel so unclear about who I am now. Everyone in my world keeps telling me how strong and brave I am, and I *kind of* feel strong and brave--but honestly, just as much, I feel fragile and afraid.
Anyway, wishing everyone a very good Tuesday. As hard as some of these days inevitably are, I wish for everyone a trajectory that is moving steadily upward.
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Onward and upward!
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MDW1967 - You've touched on so many points that I'm also dealing with. Before cancer I thought I was invincible - never got sick, was fairly healthy and I just started making healthy changes for my whole family by shopping organic, etc. Then cancer hit. When I told my mom she instantly said they made a mistake. There was no way that it could happen to me. But it did. And here I am, trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces, like many of us. Some days are much better than others, but the sad thing is that when I find myself having a good day I almost have to mentally sabotage myself by thinking about "it."
Anyhow, I just wanted you to know you're not alone in your thoughts. As tjh said, onward and upward!
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Catlady44—I am so in the same boat as you, wishing so much I could not be so self-conscious and not give a flip what anyone thinks. Sunday was a milestone in that I went the whole day without putting my wig on. (Of course, I didn't go anywhere…but I'm easing in to this!!)
And I feel like I'm struggling to look "like I used to" and it takes so much effort!! The nails, lashes, hair, implants…I feel like just a fake version of the old me.
I have a few pics of my re-growth timeline…let's see if I can get them on here…
This last picture really looks not so bad...in reality it looks like an old lady perm, the grey doesn't help! LOL--Lorie
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SoCalGirl: I so feel you on the having a good day/mentally sabotaging it by thinking about the cancer. I am *constantly* waiting for another shoe to drop now. I got the best possible news on my final pathology report just last week, and while I was/am thrilled about it, there's still part of me that's afraid to fully believe it. But I'm trying really hard to move past the fear and even push myself to think about the future a little bit. I guess I need to have patience with myself, as I suppose we all do. What we've gone through/are still going through is a real trauma, and it's not like you can just shrug that off overnight....
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MDW...congrats on you pathology report! It's weird, isn't it?! Feeling like you should be celebrating and happy. When I would tell people that the chemo worked...no evidence of cancer was found--they are cheering...and I am...trying to smile.
When I first saw the breast surgeon she took me in a room so she could just drain the possible/probable cyst...and I'd be on my way. I was so relieved, when she walked out of the room I almost called my husband and said "we are CELEBRATING tonight!" Well, after the ultrasound, that all changed in a matter of minutes. I feel like my emotions are...not paralyzed but subdued.
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catlady44, MDW1967, SoCalGrl- the words you have written could have easily been written by me. I am feeling the same way. I was much stronger during active treatment than I am now. I think I was so focused on treatments and appointments I didn't actually process what I was going thru. Once I was done I actually looked back at what I had been thru and it hit me like a tonne of bricks. I didn't want others to see me as weak so I have held a lot of it inside. I was probably in the best shape of my life when cancer struck. I have struggled with the fact that I am not strong like I used to be. I go to the gym and it totally exhausts me. Our bodies have been through turmoil and my brain still thinks I can do what I used to but my body just can't. I do what I can but it is slow to come back. Just when I was feeling stronger, I had my exchange surgery and have been limited again. It feels like one step forward and 2 steps back.
I have been off work since June. I am scheduled to go back April 15. I am terrified to return to the real world. I have a complicated situation that I am going back to. I need to be on my A game as I work in a highly specialized field. I don't feel anywhere near my A game,but on the other hand I feel like I need to get out of the house. We got snow here again last night and I am starting to go stir crazy cooped up in the house. Like SoCalGrl says I think about "it".
On a side note, I have gotten so many compliments on my short hair. It is super easy to do. It takes me more time to fill my eyebrows in with pencil than it does to do my hair. I will be keeping it shorter for awhile. Especially until summer is over.
You ladies have been such a great support for me. You make me feel "normal"....whatever that is....Still trying to adjust to the New Me. I think I am getting closer and feel like I can see glimpses of my old self coming back. We will forever be changed by what we have gone through. This shitshow will not define us.
I found this quote yesterday and I am going to live by it....truly live and not just exist!
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Deeratz you're hair is adorable!! I love that quote too. I'm printing it off and putting it on my bathroom mirror. I could cover that mirror with all the encouraging quotes I have! Some days, it's all I can cling to.
For those of you who are religious - there are some days I wonder if God has forgotten me like everyone else. I know he hasn't ,but it sure feels like he has.
You ladies are so comforting, just to know I'm not the only one struggling with this (although I wish none of you were struggling with this!) I think the hardest part is the disappearance of my support system.
My hair came in looking like an afro. I actually googled "short curly hair for ethnic women" to find a hairstyle that will work! When I was a little girl, I used to pray that God would turn me into a black person. I've always joked that God must not like me because he made me Irish/Scandinavian, but at least I have the curls now! LOL Parts of my hair are flat, parts on just wavy and part are a tight curl. I spend so much time just trying to get it all looking the same way (have I said all this before??) This sounds crazy, but I miss the days of tying a scarf on my head and going. I loved those things and got really creative with it. I had a terrible body image before cancer so it's making this difficult. When I look at my chest, it doesn't even feel like those are my own body parts. Technically they really aren't.
I read that going through this ages the body by 10 years. I truly feel that! I had a couple docs describe this whole thing as an assault. That is a great description. Everyone is so happy for me and I could just cry. When they ask how I'm doing, I'll tell them the complications and follow it up with "at least the cancer is gone". I figure no one wants to hear how rough a time I'm still having now that treatment is over. That's true, but I'm not feeling that joy. I'm grateful, but I feel shattered. People always told me that I was so strong and brave while I was going through treatment and I always thought, "What's so brave about trying not to die?"
Cancer doesn't give a s&*% whether or not we were healthy before! It seems like an epidemic!
Despite all this crap, I know this too shall pass. I just have to keep fighting like hell, just as much as I fought during cancer. Like Winston Churchill said, "When you're going through hell, keep going." It's all we can really do.
Much love to everybody!
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I am with you all on the concept that when I was going through the diagnosis, surgery, chemo, reconstruction I just kept going. I cried when I found out, then when I saw myself in mirror after surgery the first time, and then when my hair started falling out. But I just kept going, everyone says I am so strong. I don't know if it strength or just necessity. A journey that once started it had to be finished. I am finally physically strong enough to walk for exercise...maybe part of it is that the depressing gloom of winter is over. I had my mammogram at a year and all was clear and I sobbed worse than when I found out I had cancer. Now I have to be positive, I avoid negativity like the plague. My darling son (US Army, 2 tours in Iraq) says I have PTSD....I just told no I am thankful to be here and retiring from teaching gives me time to be HS Band Booster, volunteer for my grand kids classes, be a tutor and mentor at school and strengthen my marriage with my rock and my other half. Long rant sorry....It is so good not to be alone.
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10 months after chemo, and just finished Herceptin. Once it comes back, it starts growing fast!
Also just got back clean brain MRI and breast MRI, feeling relieved! Surgery was 14 months ago.
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Italychick.....looks great!
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Hi all...I've been at the work conference I mentioned so many posts ago...I mentioned elsewhere and can't remember if I mentioned here: presenting with very, very short hair was fine. Actually, I am almost starting to like how it is starting to look: it is a LOT lighter than before and I am sort of enjoying it being different...but I did find it awkward and strange when I saw colleagues at the conference who I hadn't seen in a while (and who, for the most part, didn't know I'd had bc): I said hello to several people who didn't recognize me! One guy came up to me later and said he didn't realize who I was until I asked a question at a session (guess my voice hasn't changed).
I think all of you are looking great!
Octogirl
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Kate, SoCalGirl, your hair looks great!
So does yours, DeeRatz. You are so right about the adjustments we need to make. It's hard to figure out who my new self is.
Loriekg, you have beautiful eyes, and your hair looks great! Is that a ribbon or a hairband? It's a good idea, whatever it is. My hair is coming in not exactly curly, but much wavier than it was, and the effect is not unlike that of a toddler who's going gray. Trying for control. Because one day, I will stop wearing my wig. Until then, I experiment behind closed doors.
Theresa, your hair is beautiful. I tried a flatiron last weekend, but couldn't quite get the hair in the right place and kept burning my fingers. Maybe in another month.
Octo, that's great that you were able to go to the conference wearing your hair! (so to speak)
I am in my second week of biotin and some sort of nail hardener. My goal is to get to the point where I can use my actual fingernails to peel a clementine, say, without the nails bending back. Baby steps...
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MDW, Hang in there. It will be growing before you know it.
SoCalGirl, WOW....I didn't realize you were in Temecula. We are practically neighbors!!
Lorie, Love the curly hair on you!!
DeeRatz, Lookin' great!!
Italy, Wow!! It is really growing now.
Hang in there ladies. It takes time but you will get there. You all look wonderful.
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Love all the hair!! I too have been getting more compliments with my short hair then I did with my long hair. People come up to me and say " I love your hair cut, and where did you get your hair cut" funny it's not a hair cut! Ha ha
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Thank you rainnyc and slowdeepbreaths! Rainnyc—yes, just a headband. If I didn't have that it would stand straight up! (catlady44—I was looking online for the same thing!!)
DeeRatz—I see why you are getting compliments! Looks very chic! Italychick—was your hair that thick before? Did you say you had colored it yourself? If so, what did you use? I have a box of root touch up to cover the grey that I bought before dx and never used…I'm tempted to now but wondering why everyone says only use very gentle products.
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loriekg...I love your new hair! You are so pretty and the hairdo works well with your features. I love it so much, that I showed the pic to my DH and proclaimed "that is EXACTLY how I want my hair to look when it grows in."
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Five months PFC : It actually looks like a haircut now! It's super curly, so I use a 1/2 inch flat iron. I usually put a little pomade it it to make it less puffy or to give it some style on top, but it is so easy!
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loriekg, I have been dying my hair since it was about a quarter of an inch long, no issues. I went to a health food store and got some dye without bad stuff in it. Initially I just used anything because I figure at some point here I will cut off the chemo damaged ends. My hair was thick before, but as it got longer it was a bit thinner because of breakage. I'm not sure what the issues are with hair dye, but I haven't had any. I pull and tug at my hair, but not even one hair will come out
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Sloan, you look absolutely wonderful!
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Looks great Sloan!
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Sloan you look beautiful!!! You give me hope.
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Sloan-you are looking great
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Thanks Italychick! I may just use that box I have. Even if I still wear my wig, I don't want to see the grey hair poking out!
Sloan...love the way your hair looks!!
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