The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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I just have to share this because I am still shocked that someone would say such a thing. Three days after biopsy results of IDC, before speaking to any doctors, I declined a donut at work. A supervisor looked at me and asked in front of a dozen people "Do you even need to worry about your weight any more? I'm just being morbid, but have you thought about that?" I looked her in the eye and said that I have thought about that a lot in the last couple of days. I am determined to breeze through this just to prove her wrong.
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All I can think to say 4Darla is-- WHAT!?! How can people be so stupid.0
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Geez Hadley, was he asking you for a date!!?!?!?!!?
Darla, that supervisor shouldn't have said anything at all even personal to you in front of others. Do you have a direct supervisor you could mention that to? She should be written up for that!
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Darla -- I was asked the same thing by a GF (same one who asked what Stage V would be). Did she mean go eat and enjoy yourself who cares if you get fat(ter) or go eat you're going to be dead soon anyway? Hmmmm.
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beccad I am cracking up. Plus you agreed with me about radiologist. Fortunately for my first biopsy when the "suspicious" area was discovered I had a very compassionate Rad and nurse. When I complained about the lack of personality in that dept. my BS said "That's why they go into radiology".
The donut comment was so bizarre. Guess we have to consider ourselves very well educated on medical issues involving women. When people nagged me about small inate things like not having a piece of equipment they wanted...in my brain I would say "Perhaps you missed the annoucement that I have BC, am undergoing chem, taking steroids and don't give a rats a$$.
On a happy note. I work in an elementary school library. I have actually only had very few students ask me why I was wearing a scarf, etc. I think the word has spread throughout the parental grapevine and many of them have discussed it with their children. In a K class one of the boys asked me why I was wearing a hat. One of my sweet little students on the back row sat up tall and I swear her spine stiffened. She said very matter of fact "She has cancer". Nuff said.
We will just consider the source.
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libraylil- Amazing how many children have more compassion and are more politically correct than the majority of the adults walking around out there. Gives me hope for the future! :-D
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Some children are so much more sensitive and have so much more compassion than adults. My six-year-old nephew is the perfect example of this. I went to my sister's the day after my biopsy so I wouldn't be alone when I got the results. When I got the bad news, my sister told my 6-year-old nephew that I needed to have surgery. That night he and I were playing doctor (my dad's a doctor and gave him a play stethoscope and med kit) and suddenly he asked me where my "real" surgery was going to be. I just pointed under my arm. My nephew had his tonsils out last year and proceeded to let me know what to expect from surgery. He told me that first they give you some juice (for kids, they give the sedative in juice form) and you get to choose what flavor you want. He told me he had blueberry and asked me what flavor I was going to have. Then he told me how you get dizzy and then fall asleep. When you wake up, you're in another room. He told me I'd have a bunch of things sticking out of my arm, but not to worry, they're "medical things." My nephew's explanation of what to expect from surgery was so much better and reassuring than any of the explanations given by any of my doctors prior to my five surgeries. I love my nephew!! :-)
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That is just the SWEETEST thing I've read on the boards lately! Thanks for sharing!
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LG300 I love your nephew.
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Seriously, call social services. They will find a safe place for you. Stress is not what you need at this time.
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Hadley, in all you've told us so far, your family is the problem, not the neighbors. Assume the neighbors sent a gift because they are thinking of you, go ahead and open it. Send a nice note of thanks no matter what the gift is. The neighbors may be perfectly aware of how your family is treating you and want to give you a little something positive, they did give you a safe harbor when things were blowing up and you had to call the police. Again, though, I'm urging you to move into a homeless shelter or abused women's shelter. Being in crisis housing like that may very well put you at the top of the priority list at the apartment complex you want to apply for. As long as you are in a private home you will be considered "safe" and not in as much need as someone in a shelter. This is the time to play the system to your benefit. Your taxes pay for these services, so you have every right to use them!
When you do move out, do not tell your mother or brother where you are moving to. Break off all contact with them. You do not need toxic relationships like that in your life right now.
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Hadley, I agree with Native Mainer. I hope you got the PM I sent you on Dec. 23. I sent you a list of several domestic violence shelters (with accompanying support services) in your area. I really hope you call one of them.
It's too bad my adorable nephew isn't there to give you a hug. I'm telling you, I can be really down, and he hugs me and says something sweet and I feel all better.
Lisa
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Hadley, guilt may be the reason for the gift. Or an apology. Accept it graciously and MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE. Seriously, you are not safe, either physically or emotionally, if you stay.
I wish you the best.
Leah
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I agree with everyone here Hadley. The stress you are going through is very bad for you now. It is bad at any time, but especially when you are going through cancer treatments.
I'm thinking good thoughts for you
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Hadley...NM is soooo correct in that if you are in a homeless shelter you have a better chance of getting housing....you are considered homeless in that you are living in someone else's home, but it is not a safe environment for you....please take the advice everyone is giving you...I know it is a hard step to take, but it will be for your best
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A friend of mine listened to a program about stem cells,and a brilliant researcher addressed the issue of stress and DNA. She said without a doubt stress kills. She also said she was sure it contributed to cancer, there's no need to act like that's witch doctor science anymore. Hadley, we are all trying to get a handle on our stress, our lives depend on it. Try to think of it in those terms regarding the feedback you are getting.
I got a Christmas card from a family member who says she "can't wait" to see me, as she'll be in town. She came to my city while I was in treatment, and never called. In fact, she never called or emailed the entire time I was in treatment. I honestly haven't got any idea how to deal with the "dumbest things people DON'T say to you".
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libraylil wrote:
When I complained about the lack of personality in that (radiology) dept. my BS said "That's why they go into radiology".
OK, that's funny. I work in a hospital and the prevailing opinion seems to be that surgeons have the worst bedside manner, that "There's a reason they work on unconscious people." It seems to be true for a lot of them. The surgeon who repaired my ruptured disc in my back was so insensitive. I'd waded through the HMO system for 6 weeks waiting for a diagnosis, off work while a supervisor kept calling to ask how long I'd be out. But they had an order they always followed - 1 week of muscle relaxers, and if that doesn't work, 2 weeks of steroids. If that doesn't work, then they'll schedule you for a CT or MRI. By the time I saw the surgeon, I could barely walk and my foot had gone numb. They had said something earlier about PT, so I asked about that. He looked at me like I was nuts and said, "Look at this thing!", pointing to the MRI. "You're obviously going to need surgery.". then impatiently, "Why are you crying?" Unreal.
Hadley, I loved our lunch with you and Candy. I do so want you to be safe. Hugs, Carolyn
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At one of my recon consultations the BS came in after I saw the PS and had been waiting and waiting and waiting, had started crying. The BS blows in, looks at me and says "What have you got to be upset about?" Needless to say I did not have my recon done there. She didn't understand why I was crying? What an idiot!
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My breast surgeon said "If you want bigger boobs have a mastectomy" LIke it was all about getting the shape you want. Just happen to have a little breast cancer along with it. And when the PS was cutting away my nipple in his office because they were not being perfused after the nipple sparing mastectomy and I had tears running down my face.............. no out loud sobs or anything just tears. The next day I saw her and she said "I hear you had a melt down" She then proceeded to cut more of the nipple away and I got teary again. She said are you crying because it hurts or for what I am doing. I said, " you are cutting away part of what makes me a woman!" She said that doesn't make you a woman and if you think it does you have more problems than I thought! I had never complained or been a problem with her and she said that to me. I still would like to slap her and cut off her breasts and nipples and see what she thinks then!
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It is my med onc that is insensitive and just wants to tell me what to do with no questions asked or answered. Every one in radiation was wonderful. But my BS is the best. Love him. Too bad the callous one is the one I'll be dealing with the most and the longest.
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Determined, for a woman to say that to you is inexcusable!!! I am horrified FOR you....hugz!
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ACH!!! I totally agree with Barbe!! What an a$$hol&!!
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I can't even think or imagine how you must felt Determined. You must have been heart broken. I'm not sure what I would have done right then, but the next day I'm sure I'd have called someone to report her.
(((((((HUGS)))))))
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barbe thanks so much. I think sometimes the things that have been said and the way we have been treated by the health care team at times and who we thought were friends makes a difficult situation even harder. thanks for kind words
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BarbaraA, Kelben and Hadley, thank you also for validating I had a right to be upset. I was devastated when the nipples had to be removed. I find it amazing that with what our culture tells us about sexy and breasts and feminitiy whether it is right or wrong, that anyone can think that losing a breast is not a big deal. I get so furious when I think about what has been said to all of us. Try opening a magazine, or watching a commercial or a TV show and tell me that they don't show breasts first, the camera aims at the chest and then moves to the face. No it is not what totally defines me as a woman but it is a big part of it. Oh I just get so furious and if you call someone out like I did once I got...... "Why do you lash out at people when you are upset" This was after I had told a friend right after the nipples were removed and the incision broke open and I was on two IV antibiotics 14 hours a day for 6.5 weeks that I got teary when I walked by the lingurie department for the first time. She said" well did you wear sexy nighgowns to bed before?" I lashed out saying You can go in and chose any nightgown or bra you want without thinking about it I can't and not sure if I ever will be able to" Thats when I got why do you lash out. I no longer speak to her. The other thing she said to me was when I told her I was concerned about her taking HRT. She said not to minimize what you have been through but I couldn't hardly walk (her joints were sore when she didn't take it) When I told her I was scared because it could come back she said " I could go out that door and get hit by a car" I should have told her that I have already been hit by the car I am just waiting to see if it rolls back over my legs!!! This is the person who told me she would be there through the good and the bad. BS! Sorry I am really venting tonight. Peace everyone
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Determined, I agree about the focus on boobs in our media. It is very annoying. It also can make us feel like less than we should and remind us we are not "perfect" even if we never felt that annoyance pre-bc.
I was fortunate and had a fantastic BS who was very caring and understanding. I can't complain there. If someone has bad docs, they need to get new ones if they possibly can. We don't deserve anything less than great care.
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Determined, report that doctor, what she said to you is totally inexcuseable. Your complaint may help other patients down the road, and she should be held accountable for such cruel behavior. It is hard enough to travel this road without being subjected to abuse from the people who are supposed to be there for us. Hugs to you, Karen
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My BS is fantastic. I didn't mean to imply that all surgeons were personality-challenged, just that there do seem to be more there than in other specialties. I even joked with my BS because I had expected to be put in a room and told to change into an exam gown, etc. Instead, he talked to me and gave me a hug before we ever got to the exam part of it. I asked him if he'd flunked 'surgeon personality 101' and he just laughed.
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LG i totally love your nephew.. is he too young to work? because my bs could really use him in his office, instead of the JERKS he has working there now.!!!! HADLEY, am still praying you get a job, and can get oUT>>OUT!!! 3jays0
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DETERMINED I forgot.. this ones for them.sorry, can't get pic tonite blahhh 3jays0
