The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
Comments
-
Hadly...that job sounds wonderful....best of luck to you...hope you get offered the position
0 -
kelben--the beast stole 3 of my summers--one for surgery/rads, one for hospitalizations/surgeries/antibiotics/hyperbaric treatments/mastectomy for the rads complications, and one for recovery from reconstruction. I'll be d@mm@d if I let the beast get another one! Whenever my PCP wants me to get another screening test she uses the "don't you want to know" argument--my answer is "That is a dumb thing to say to me. I DON"T want to know. I don't want to know about any other cancer until it's way too late to do anything about it, I do NOT want to go through all that testing, waiting, pain, and horror again. EVER."
It's taken my PCP 2 years to talk me into having a colonoscopy.
0 -
Wow Maine, you just brought up a very good point. DO I want to know if the cancer is back if I don't even know it (i.e. no pain or handicap daily living)? DO I even care?? I mean, I want to live, but knowing what I know now.....that might be very freeing to not care. To NOT care. Huh! TO NOT CARE!!!!!
I'll see how I feel tomorrow on that and get back to ya...
0 -
NM...well put....
0 -
Yes Maine I hear you loud and clear! Sometimes ( a lot really ) I feel like standing out on the deck and yelling as loud as I can every swear word that was ever invented. I will continue to fight this bastard though, I won't give up until it's the only choice.... poop.
0 -
wow! i wanna know, i wanna know!! its' the only way i can "outrun" this beast, if i need to get my arse in gear again!! see Marybe for inspiration, i do!! am doing the mets waltz as we speak. rib pain is getting worse, and migraines are back with a vengenance. it CAN all be explained away by other circumstances, but i wanna know so i can, relax.. please God! or start actively fighting again.. i dunno if its' bad, how much fight i have left; but i'll make choices based on reality, if and when... thats' just me, others def. don't feel the same.. Kelben.. your place sounds lovely. i pray you get to just sick ans enjoy it in the coming summer.NM i getcha sistah! my dogs are def. treated better than i have been. and, although im happy to be alive; putting on my boobs everday is a reminder i didn't need, nor am real comfortable doing. plus, the le makes it all so darnd much of a pain! 3jays0
-
3jays--I can certainly appreciate your point of view. If I had symptoms I'd want to know for sure what the cause is. But I don't, and I don't see the point in going and looking for trouble. Earlier diagnosis of a met, recurrence or new bc prolongs the amount of time a person spends in treatment, but does not prolong life. To my mind, that means giving up quality of life without any corresponding length of life, and quality is more important to me. BUT--for many the need to know is very strong, and those women should have every scan and test available to them. Just like reconstruction was vitally important to me but is not at all important to other women.
I'm still trying to put off/weasel out of the colonoscopy.
0 -
There is a new sheriff in town: I ask myself with every friendship that let me down, "What do you want?" If the answer is to let the relationship quietly fade away, great. And if it's to get something I need, like a favor, even better. And in some cases, it may be an email expressing my feelings. Because it is very difficult to mull it over in the head again and again.
0 -
My head is exploding! I have a co-worker with whom I am sort of close in that we frequently have lunch when I am in the office. This person knew I was having radiation and no chemo. She also knew the se's of rads (because she asked me). Anyway, I have been on the road since rads ended in July and have not seen her the few times I made it into the office. Finally saw her last week and her first words were: "Gee your hair grew back fast!"
0 -
Well, Barbara, most people know NOTHING about cancer & treatments and don't really know even if they are told. Your co-worker probably assumed hair loss and didn't notice that you didn't tell her it was an SE. You know, cancer = hair loss, not chemo = hair loss. My MIL, who is a very intelligent woman, was talking about her brother's prostate cancer tx and said something about chemo. I said I thought he'd had rads but not chemo and it turned out she didn't know it wasn't the same thing! To her, it was all cancer treatment.
All the best.
Leah
0 -
Hadley - I think when people say things like that they don't mean to be insensitive (although some people actually are insensitive and/or dumb). Sometimes they just want to acknowledge that they've been through the BC experience with someone close to them and know (or think they know) what you're going through. I do agree though that mentioning that the person they know who had BC died of the disease is not the the most sensitive or brightest thing to say.
0 -
well said, nancy.. for me, it depends on wether theyr'e friends. ive come to realize for some ple they're saying theyr'e scared YOU"LL die, also.. but, not well expressed, for sure.. i stopped talkimng to ple who said this one died, or i had a cousinn that.. i prefaced my conversations with ple like that like I got dx with breast cancer, and i know it touches most ples lives by knowing someone else, but i CANNOT bear to hear ONE more story. if they persisted, well.. u guys know me.. under the buss, they went. its weird. maybe its the time of year, or the LE thats' making everything harder.. for sure se/s from anti estrogen is making me real testy. i just can't have the time or patience with much of that anymore.. i love what hadley said about " energy vampires" i read penatural books, have for years, before "twilight" made it popular. they write them in the books as "emo vampires" instead of living off blood, they live off others' emotions. i for sure, had a few in my life when i got dx. i sureas he** don't now.
i find myself lonely for friends, after being deserted by many "so called friends".. my therapist & i were talking and i told him 2 yrs ago; i decided that if a relationship wasn't 50-50; i wasn't interested.. he asked hows that goinng? i told him, well, i have no friends now.. but its for sure 100%. i think it has to do with ple being so afraid of the BEAST, they just can't deal.. i know, at least, that i've been a good friend to ple very ill, and that;s who i am. an i have a totally different criteria for picking friends, now. Even at Gildas' club, here in Ft. Laud. open specifically for cancer pts. and their families.. they very nicely told me they just couldn't "accomadate" my wheelchair, thier meeting rooms are too small. so, thanks, but no thanks.. next!!!
that's why coming here is so important to me. i'm one of the few that amny, many weird thingds happens to; and yet, you ladies still love and accept me. the group here is my solace, always.. my therapist says he doesn't want me to "live in the cyber worldzZ" but, for now, its the only place i've found that i fit in.. sort of.. i've decided to find a local group here that meets in the afternoons. we'll see how that works out after new years... NM thanks for your response. im not one to go looking for trouble, but will ck everything out to make sure. maybe after a few times, i wont be so nervous.. here's hoping.. 3jays
0 -
BarbaraA I'll stick up for your "friend". I didn't know which treatment made you lose your hair either!
I agree that the Cyber world is better! Just yesterday I told my DH how I'd never been close to so many women before. I don't have ANY close friends. I find my life attitude is more like a guy's than a girls'. Kind of get over it and move on. But here we are all living in the moment and it is so real. I feel I've made some close friends here.....and I truly feel for you all!
0 -
Nancy-oh, dear, you poor soul! I'm single, no kids, and very few friends when I was diagnosed. I was blessed to find out how many acquaintances turned out to be friends, and how many people in my church were willing to help. Do you belong to a church or another social group where you might find someone to help with your cat? And a leaking roof too boot. It is such a burden sometimes to be a single homeowner. Or maybe someone you work with? I was surprised to find out how many of my co-workers really wanted to help but just didn't know how until I mentioned something. I know it's hard, but reach out. Contact the social worker at your treatment center and find out if there are any programs or support groups that you might find helpful. Your neighbor is NOT helpful, she's too self-absorbed. Don't waste any more time and energy on her.
MHP70-that's a good way to approach the friends that really aren't problem!
Hadley-how about "Really? I guess I won't use her as role model, then." Or maybe "So how long do I have to live, based on her case?" Then there is the more gentle "I wonder why someone would tell a person with cancer about a relative that died of cancer. It seems so insensitive." Of course, if the idiot talking is too insensitive he/she will never catch on that the last one was actually aimed at them. . .
3jays-a group like Gilda's Club that couldn't accommodate a wheelchair? Really? Makes me think that they aren't really a support group as much as a fan club. How can a cancer support group not think that they will need to accommodate wheelchairs, walkers, canes, and other adaptive devices? Yeesh!
0 -
Leah and Barbe, I guess the reason I launched about my coworker is that I had given her all the se's of rads when she asked and when she said what she said, it was obvious to me that she didn't hear a word I had said. I guess I reacted to the hurt of being ignored more than the words said.
Now I'm off to grow a thicker skin.
0 -
3jays, I am outraged over your story at Gilda's Club. Completely outraged.
Barbara, sort of along those lines, I was really upset by how many people "forgot" that I had to do radiation, or that it was daily. Believe me, I told them. It threw my life in a tailspin. Basically, people just don't listen. It's not them, so it doesn't really affect them. The ones that did listen and check in are so special to me now.
0 -
People listen, but they don't hear. Sometimes you are talking to people who are just waiting for you to finish so they can start talking. I love changing the subject mid-stream with the same tone of voice and everything to catch them. It's a hoot, try it! No snideness or sarcasm, just keep talking but then say something in a sentence about wasn't it a pretty night last night when all the Christmas lights came on. Stop. See if they know how to repsond! ehehehehehehehehh
0 -
I can just see you doing that Barbe!!!
0 -
Hadley - fingers crossed you get the job.
Barbe and BarbaraA - even if they listen and hear, the problem is that they can't understand in the space of a few minutes of conversation - heck, it took me a few weeks of intense reading to half pie understand treatment options and all the implications and I had a vested interest! A long time male best friend of my DHs has recently been diagnosed with early stage prostate cancer and has not long had his radiation treatment. When I was dx most of his contact was with my DH rather than me and I was ok with that and was grateful that he was there for my DH. Since his dx though he quite regularly talks about his treatment and emotions with me rahter than DH. He knows I will listen and understand and that makes the difference in who he talks to. That is why we come to our friends here - we listen, we understand and we support eachother.
3jays - your therapist has reasons no doubt for suggesting you don't live in the cyber world but being able to vent, laugh, cry or just plain enjoy the company of the lovely women here has to be good therapy - better than any drug IMHO. That is the whole point of this site isn't it? to connect with others who are dealing with the same challenges and to gain knowledge, friendship, support. Support groups are great for some but just not for others - I went to one BC meeting here and never went back - just not for me.
Dumbest thing said to me lately from my mother - 'don't get me a Christmas present this year' - as if I wouldn't.
0 -
Barbe,
You are wicked ...I see so much of you in me!
0 -
I prayed for you, Hadley. The job sounds perfect for you!0
-
Barbe, I might have to try the change subjects midstream on my mom on Christmas- she is totally a wait to talk person! It's prolly even worse now that she has some hearing loss and misses part of what you say anyway, fills in the blanks with whatever she thinks she heard instead of asking you to repeat yourself. She should probably get a hearing aid- she's in denial- had hearing loss after a car accident - air bag deployed, she's probably hoping it'll get better. but Its been over a year.
0 -
My line is "Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom". LMBO, everyone just assumes I have a weak bladder.
Edit to add, my line came in quite handy at a party last night.
0 -
Alyad that is hilarious about your Mom just "filling in the blanks" during conversation. I taught my kids only two things over and over. One was: always pay attention to what is happening around you. Number two was: Think about what I said, not what you think I said.
I have a tag line on my email right now that says: We don't always see things as they are, we see them as we are. I read that on this board somewhere and love it.
A guy I work with was diagnosed with prostate cancer years ago. His doctor said, "I know you won't hear a thing I say after I tell you that you have cancer." What an understanding doctor!
0 -
I have never really felt like my mom listened to what I was saying- now I know she's really not hearing what I'm trying to say! My DH and I just roll our eyes and try to make it through the visit...
Sometimes I think she was glad I had bc cause it gave her something to tell her friends about... but she did something after my surgery that made me really mad and I didn't talk to her for about 4 months til I was done with chemo- one of the better decisions I made as I just didn't have the extra energy it takes to deal with her. She's been helping me financially tho- lost my job a year ago, she means well, she just doesn't know how to be a good friend/parent- I have a hard time wrapping my head around how someone can be so oblivious!
0 -
The dumbest things people ever said:
A) Once in a while I'll have someone ask me how it happened. Did I not have mammograms? Did I not see a doctor? Didn't I check for lumps? Didn't I........? I went through all that soul searching on my own for two years, felt guilt where there wasn't any, and realized it's now that counts.
After an inflation for reconstruction, I told my plastic surgeon's young surgical nurse that it's going to be so nice not to have a hole in one side of my chest. I had problems wearing clothes, the dent was prominent even covered up, etc. She told me that I was lucky to be alive and that she would go through anything like it as long as she were alive. Made me feel like two cents. I'm 68, stage 4, and always thought my money would run out if I lived too long. The reconstruction (if it works-I went through 3 months of drainage) makes me feel good about myself (not vain). It took two years after surgery before the decision was made, by me and my doctor, to have the reconstruction.0 -
That surgical nurse needs a wake up call that shows her the importance of empathy. also, she has no idea of how she would react unless she has already been there. Even then you don't know how you will react the next time. Eleven years ago this week I was in the hospital with acute pancreatitis and not expected to make it. Strangely I did not have the fear then that I sometimes do now, even though statistically my chances are better of surviving the BC.
0 -
That young nurse is in the wrong profession! Shame on her. Under the bus!!!!
0 -
I'm a newbie that has been reading your posts for sometime now. I decided today that I needed to join in. I can't believe the comments that some people make. When I was having chemo and it was mentioned that I had to avoid people who were sick, my dad asked if I would be contagious. Then I just found out yesterday that he had asked my sister what exactly chemo was - is it man-made? You can probably imagine how much help he has been through this ordeal.
0 -
Hadley I am so sorry you have such a care-less family. Unfortunately, you can't pick your family. Could you possibly move to your own apartment? Where you could decorate all nice and be in Peace?
0
