The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
Comments
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Ladies: I agree with Alyad - there is no putting this behind us - we go on, but never really forget what we've been through.
On a different note - has anyone ever reported stupid/offensive comments at work to HR? Some of these comments might fall under the "hostile work environment" portion of a company's HR policy.
Just curious . . .
Julie
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Please don't run me over with a bus. I just wanted to tell you that hair comments hurt even when you haven't had chemo. I am lousy with blow drying my hair and usually wear it wash and wear. I had it blown dried and styled yesterday as we were going to a dinner dance for New Year's Eve. This morning I went to synagogue. A woman who is a mere acquantance came over to me a said "You look so good for a change that I barely recognized you!" Gee thanks for what you thought was a compliment., NOW WHERE IS THAT BUS I NEED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kat
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Dutchess..some people are just tackless....they always say inappropriate things!!!
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sorry, i'm having 'puter issues. got a new router. and comcast is coming tommorrow!! this one's for Jelson;Imays manager, TonLee 'sBF and Kat.. did i cover it all? I can add my son too, but i'd better not.. oh, hedouble l yes; HIM too!! 3jays0
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barbe I am glad he apologized and yes you can still send him to his room ha! And people wonder why we struggle so with the loss of a breast/breasts because it is thrown in our face constantly that this is what is sexy, femine etc!!!! They don't think sometimes just like all of us have said something we would like to take back. I guess we are more aware and it will help us in our dealings with people too. But it hurts. I was two months post mx and two additional surgeries and went to dinner with the lady who said she was going to be by me good or bad but wasn't. Anyway she was talking about going skiing with the ski club and a guy saw a woman and said lets see what she has........... Wouldn't you think as I am sitting there with a PICC and IV pump going and not able to move my arms due to three surgeries in 3.5 weeks that that would bother me!
Why can't people just say Hi I know you are going through a difficult time and I just want you to know I care and I am thinking about you. Then you can share what you want and they don't say such stupid things. The thing is I think most of them are just trying. It certainly doesn't make it easeir or keep you from wanting the bus though!
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Dutchess- what an awful woman- I think making comments like that is a classic example of someone who is passive aggressive- if you confronted her - she'd say-well I was trying to give you a compliment, I didn't mean it like that ! but saying oh you look great for a change? Its the "for a change" part that is awful! Why can't those people just say "you look nice today?" They have to add their sly editorial comment to make themselves feel better- that's what its all about for them-making themselves feel better by making someone else feel bad. My mom is very good at comments like that- cuts out magazine articles for me on losing weight...
My favorite "misworded" comment from her was her saying "I don't know what you did to deserve him" (my wonderful DH). In her mind it was a compliment- like her saying I must have done something good-, but that is not what she said! I sure as hell called her out on that one! .
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Wow Alyad! You and me had the same MOM!!! Mine is gone now, but I know she would have made my cancer all about her. She hated me. I'm mature enough to say that and it doesn't hurt.
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I've actually had two very pleasant experiences lately. I have reconed breasts with pretty big implants. On Friday, we kept our step-grandson (5 years old) who was quite sick. He fell asleep on my chest and snuggled so closely. Due to some real addiction problems with two of my adult sons, I gave up long ago ever having this part of my life happen.
Last night, I went to a party and there were lots of kids there. I held a 6 month old baby for awhile and again, he snuggled right into my new breasts and slept like an angel. I have a grandson on the way in March and I can't wait to snuggle with him. There are some real good things in life.
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That's what was making me sad for when my grandsons were born in September. I wouldn't be able to "cuddle" them. My daughter (wise that she is) said "But Mom, you'll be closer to them!"
When I still had breasts there was a girl across the street with Tourettes and a very skinny mom. The little girl would often cross the street to cuddle on my lap (she was six). She said I smelled good (her mom smoked) and I was soft......
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Two nice stories
I was thinking about this the other night when my 2 year old granddaughter was sleeping over - in my bed lol
She wanted to cuddle and kept moving her little head over to my left shoulder where she can rest on my natural breast - my TE is too hard
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My TE's were so hard. Nice soft foobs now.
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Barbe, I think we had the same moms! If it wasn't about her, it wasn't about anything. Karen
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Yah, just another way I would have made her life difficult. Interrupted her cruise or something....sigh. When I was turning 40 she just so happened to be in town!!! She lived 3,500 miles away normally, but had just come off a 90 day cruise. Yep, 3 months at sea in their suite. She was in town for a couple of days but wouldn't stay for the big catered party my DH was putting on. She left the day before, rather than see people gather for me.0
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Do any of you read Carolyn Hax's column in the newspaper? I guess it comes from the washington post. She always gets to the nub of the interpersonal question asked by her reader, (which is not always readily apparent to me!) anyway, her columns in our paper are accompanied by a cartoon and this one pictures two women talking and is captioned "You put the F in friend" (the cartoonists name might be Gail Armitage - but I can't read the signature so well)
Even if we can't think to say it outloud, we can whisper it to ourselves as necessary.
Another tool for our survival kits!
Julie E
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jelson, love it, I'll just mutter it under my breath at appropiate times. Karen
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I can't wait to have "roots!" lol
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TonLee, you will. I am 5 months after last chemo treatment, my hair is about 3 inches long, and already had to dye it twice after the first time because my roots show up so fast.
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I love reading this thread! I too have taken to muttering "under the bus" when someone makes a snarky comment about my bc and all the time I had off from work......and I work with ICU nurses! I have found my co-workers to be some off the most out spoken and critical comment makers about bc. I have always known there were several people I worked with that blamed the patient for their disease....or made "gallows" humor remarks....but I have always managed to walk away and go take care of my patient or their families needs. I heard so many "snarky " remarks that I changed shifts to avoid being around some of these people. I thought after having six surgeries in one year....the bmx, recon, and then some major complications in one breast that resulted in four more surgeries......well guess I just expected a little more kindness and compassion from my co-workers. I didn't try to dwell on all that I had been going through.....but I saw more sympathy for two young girls that got breast augmentations.....but they did have more to show for their surgeries!
It is a very personal jounary that anyone with bc goes through.....finding these boards have made it better for me.....kept me from losing what little sanity I have. Sorry for the rant.
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KAREN and BARBE.add me to the list. we called it one upmanship in our family, and my mom was always thhe winner in that game. she even LITERALLY had a problem with the way i breathed.. when i moved to Fla., i was allergic to almost everything here.. still am. DX is allergic asthma, very common in warm climates. god had a sense of humor.. after over 20 yrs of hearing it, she moved permanently down here, and was dx. with a way worse case of it!! it actually was a lot to do with what she died from..Im sorry BARBE: missing your 40th was just meanspirited! My dad missed my 2nd wedding, and i think it was much the same thing. i knoew it hurt you then. im sorry for that hurt..JELSON: im so taotally adding that to the mantra i mumble about your'e going under the bus, lady for sure!!
Barbe I LOVE that your DD said that!!! they don't notice at all; well my GS who's 3 ; will ask me "where are your pillows tonite, nana. (. if he's cuddling ) then, he'll ask me if my boo boos hurt today. and promptly lay his head on my breastbone, and continue snuggling.. i hope he'll not revert to the jerk chavanist most boys grow into i so like the way he is, now..Bukki:welcome to the "bus" club!! i'e been looking for new ones, but no luck yet. they're mostly political; and that's not my gig.. if anyone knows where any new ones' are; let me know. this ones my favorite one. its a woman throwing a guy under the bus!! even better for that, i think.. although my GF's could sure use it! 3jays
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just cause you guys make me feel like dancin"" 3jays0
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Something annoying - ageism - not BC
My kayaking club paddles Lake George on New Years Day, a short paddle and then they paddle over to where the "polar plunge" takes place and cheer on the hardy bathers. This was the first year I attended and our group consisted of men and women probably ranging in age from late 40's to 70's. Two women, friends of one of the paddlers participated in the plunge and accompanied us to restaurant afterwards. Apparently consumption of large amounts of alcohol is very numbing as far as the cold water go. Anyway the two women couldn't stop talking about the SIXTY YEAR OLD WOMAN who went in the water with them. blah blah blah and she was SIXTY YEARS OLD, blah blah. It went on and on. I didn't say anything to them. Only last night I thought of something I could have said:
wow, she was probably an Eskimo who because the event was called the Polar Plunge, and because she was SIXTY YEARS OLD, assumed her time had come and was going to go sit out on the ice and end it all.
Julie E
60
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If you think the "and she was 60 "is bad, I am sixty-eight. The other day in the Arizona Republic there was an article about a man mistreating his "elderly wife". Later on in the article it gave her name and age of FIFTY SEVEN!!!!! YIKES!!! What am I ancient?
Kat
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Julie, or you could have replied "I find that surprising too, by sixty we usually have better sense!"
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Well, I have my 60th birthday later this week, so if you ask if I'm ging to go plunging into freezing water, all I'll tell you is - I had a mastectomy, not a lobotomy.
Age is belittled, and so is height. I remember reading a book once where a character is described as being very short, tiny, her feet dangled when she sat in a chair. Later on a description was given and she was 5'3"! That's an inch taller than me, and believe me my feet reach the floor in any normal chair.
Sigh.
Leah
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Happy Birthday, Leah. 5'2" doesn't seem tiny to me. My mom was 5'4" and trust me she was in charge of the household!
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Leah...Happy 60th...wishing you many many more happy birthdays....I love it....mastectomy not lobotomy!!!!.I'm 5'4" and never thought of myself as short (nor tall)...it always just seemed right....my oldest daughter is 4'11 1/2"...and her DH is 5'2"...they make such a cute couple
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It's not height alone that determines if your feet touch the floor in a normal chair--I'm 5" 4 inches and my feet don't touch the floor most of the time. I'm short legged, you see. So if you are long legged and "short" your feet will touch! Under 5"5' is the definition of "petite" but how often do you see clothing in the Petite department that is larger than an 8 or, maybe, a 10?????
I'm with you, Susgul--some of the toughest gals I've ever known were 5"3' or shorter!
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I would like to add to the stupid Moms notes. My mom didn't come and stay with me when my daughter was born or when she (my daughter) had to go into the hospital. She doesn't know my daughter or her 3 boys and she wonders why my daughter never calls her. She didn't come down when I had to have back surgery and be laid up for weeks. She misses me now that dad is gone, and everytime we talk on the phone she asks when am I going up to see her....She would be truely shocked if I mentioned any of this to her. She is a Princess and everything is always about her... she asked what she had done to deserve all this bad luck in the family lately. 3Jays, pull up the bus!!
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