The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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When I had curly hair - I wanted straight hair.
Now my hair is straight and people say,
"You always wanted straight hair. Now you got it."
Where's that bus?
That line is getting old and annoying. I wanted straight hair but I didn't want to get cancer and go through chemo to acheive it.
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I have lots of gray in my hair these days. My husband hates dyed hair and well, I'm way too lazy to keep up with such a thing. Besides it doesn't bother me either. But because of it, my days of being carded for alcohol purchases are behind me. I have gotten the comment about am I the grandmother to my monsters and THAT bugs the heck out of me. I agree with why no one gets asked their age....Me I'm happy to take the discount if someone gives it to me.
I've been giving some thought to the cracks people get about weight loss and I think I've figured it out. Comments on how people on chemo get to lose weight are the sort of thing that one cancer patient can say to another as black humor. I would expect we have all made cracks amongst ourselves of that nature. In the privacy of home, I joked with my husband about "playing the cancer card" in connection with a reunion of friends in our city or why I shouldn't have to do the dishes. But that is my way of dealing with having a cancer diagnoisis and worrying about having another one down the road.
In other more repetative words, its one thing when I say it, it would be the same sort of one thing if any of you said it to me. But damn it, if an outsider says it to me, they would be rude and out of line.The thing is, most people don't think that far through the process. Or they don't think at all.
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3monstmama, I guess that the weight and you'll feel better comment would not have hurt as much, if the commenter had not also had BC and when I was DX'd acted like she would be a compassionate friend. Now, I don't want anything to do with her, but she is the front desk person in our small department, I realllllllllly need a bus!
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When I went back to work in my all-male sales department, to lighten the mood I said "Geez, it was so cold in Barrie that I froze my tits off!" Everyone laughed so hard and it broke the tension. That was okay. BUT, of course, there is always an idiot. One of our vendors visited us as Peter says, "Oh, look at Barbe, it was so cold in Barrie she froze her tits off." Dead silence. I sat there in horror thinking I couldn't say anything because I had said it first!!!! So I agree, it's okay if WE say it, just not "them".
Today someone called me a boob at work! I was actually pleased...heheheheheheheh
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Wow! what an interesting board. I'm totally floored by some of the experiences you all have had to endure. I have been blessed with great Dr.s and family, thank goodness.
I try to not take offense at comments from friends, but, Seriously?? One "good" friend told me just a couple of days after I had been diagnosed that I should go ahead and have a hysterectomy because my odds of getting ovarian cancer were very high now. She has never had cancer, nor has anyone in her family to my knowledge. But, just the thing you want to hear, right? I haven't heard from her since, and that was 2 months ago. I've been through surgery, single mastectomy, and everything looks as good as it can, but no phone call, email, nothing from her. I know she knows my status, because our husbands work together.
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I think of myself as a pretty positive, glass half full type of person, but have had my share of comments that have made my stomach churn and/or brought me to tears. Luckily I am usually able to cope in front of the person by brushing it off as they don't know what to say, or that I'm just sensitive, but it causes a lot of heartache when I get to my car, home, or in really bad cases excuse myself to the bathroom. Here are a few...
- "Do you worry about dying?" ~ That one was asked in a room full of people. I'm surprised that I held it together.
- I am in my 20's & newly engaged. I have always loved children and battled with deciding against freezing embryos because of the delay to begin treatments. "Will this impact your ability to have kids?" "Did you save your eggs?" "Must be nice not to have periods." It also feels like daggers to me when anyone complains about being pregnant.
- A long lecture on what I should not be eating...no meat, no sugar, no fruit, no dairy products, no wheat, no soy, no veggies if they are not grown myself/organically. I don't think my body would hold up very long on that diet. I also hope that not everyone watches everything I put in my mouth. I have always been relatively health conscious, but after feeling so deprived during chemo (not wanting to eat/foods not tasting good) I do allow myself to enjoy my favorite foods occasionally.
- "But you're so young." I've read this one on here before, but I think it is worth repeating because I've gotten it from almost every medical professional I've come in contact with on my journey. I don't think they realize how much that stings. I also get the "Are you sure it's not genetic?" after the young comment. People don't seem to believe that I've been tested and do not have the BRCA genes.
- I love my career and struggled with the decision to take a leave. But b/c I work in a high-germ environment it was decided that was best during chemo. I've gotten comments... "So and so was able to work throughout all of her treatments." "What do you do all day then."
- It used to bother me a lot when I was on chemo and had very low white blood cell counts and I'd have nurses and other staff ask me what I was doing that night/weekend/etc. I know they were trying to be friendly and make small-talk but I often felt awkward to say nothing all the time, but the truth was that I spent most of my time exhausted on the couch in the safety of my home.
- As I went for ultrasound and then biopsy I had many people, including medical professionals, tell me not to worry, that it was nothing, and that I was too young to have breast cancer.
- One day I didn't want to kill a spider or something ridiculous like that and I was called a wimp. I thought really I've had a bilateral mastectomy, chemo, more pokes & blood draw than most people have in a life time, radiation, and constant tough decisions to make, but sure I'm a wimp. To make it worse this person is very afraid of needles and doesn't even stay up on their own immunizations.
- In general it upsets me that people think that because I have cancer they are automatically allowed to ask me personal questions that they would never ask other people.
I do agree that things that upset you often depend on the tone they are said in and your relationship with the person. I have had 2 different people say or ask almost the exact same thing but my reaction to them was very different. I also think for every crazy, insensitive thing someone has said to me I've had a very supportive, caring statement. I try very hard to hold on to those wonderful words that uplift me instead of bring me down, but it sure is nice to vent here!
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Oh I forgot another one. I have always been a small person...some would consider too thin, so I think this one was supposed to be a compliment, but it hit me hard. I worked hard to maintain wait on my first 3 cycles of chemo, then came Taxotere and steroids and whoa even when I couldn't eat much I still gained. I got several "You've gained weight." "I thought you lose weight on chemo?" "You look heavier." What woman, no matter what their medical condition or starting size, wants to hear that.
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good grief Smile_On, you have been through alot both in treatment and in suffering abuse at the hands of friends and coworkers - you have given us alot to chew on!
Julie E
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Smile_On....unbelievable....I worked with a gal who was Dx the year before me....she said that when she went for the biopsy..or was it the ultrasound...well one of the tests....the doctor made a comment about her not worrying that she was too young to have breast cancer....when the results came back, at least he had the decency to apolgize to her...When I hear of young gals in their 20's and 30's being Dx with BC I think to myself, they are too young to have BC....I guess it just spooks me because I have a 24 year old daughter and it scares me so....but that is the mom in me.....BUT, even though I think that, I hope I would know better than to make that comment to someone...so forgive me for saying it here.....Isn't it ironic that people give small people a hard time about being small.....Welll...I think I've become one rambling maching tonight...so just going to send you (((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))) Karen
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sorry ladies, i've been remiss as my job as bus driver.. that's..beccad; "miss"o2b; veggy; sue4; and smile on: hope i got everyone on board!!! hahahaha 3jays..0
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welcome all new friends..3jays 0 -
I hated the " oh you are too young to have cancer " - I was 35. What do you say to that? Well obviously I'm not, cause I had it! I'm glad I didn't get during the mammo/US/biopsy cause it probably would have gave me false hope- and I am REALLY glad my PCP didn't dismiss the lump bc of my age- I have read where some women find a lump and go see their PCP and are told not to worry about cause they are too young to have cancer!
Like I don't already feel conspicuous sitting in the waiting room at the onc's and the avg patient age is twice my age! Lucky me!
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Smile_On: Yep, just LOVE #5. Well, goody for those who can "work through all of their treatments". Never mind that they may be undermining their health and their "extra effort" will not guarantee them a job, anyway. I have had several complications since my surgery on 09/17 and have NO regrets about staying out until implant placement, which will be 01/24.
Right before I went out in September, one of my coworkers told me, "We need you back here as soon as possible - don't forget we're short-handed". I promptly shot back, "well, I really didn't ask to get sick!". Unbelieveable. And, I know this comment isn't nearly as bad as some of the ones posted above.
Send that bus ASAP!!!!!
Julie
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As far as being too young to have cancer...How about all the young children and babies who have cancer? Shouldn't they be too young? My mom's neighbor had a daughter who was constantly complaining that her back hurt. Turns out she had cancer and died at the age of 12. She was only a few months older than my son.Sorry but that's what I think about when the comment is made that you're too young. So for that comment, throw those people under the bus and back it up a few times. My vent for the day!
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Smile_On: I wish I could cyber fly to wherever you are and give you a big hug. Then I'd slap those folks. The puzzled face and emphatic really?? has worked for me on occasion, but it doesn't head these people off at the pass, so to speak.
Co-workers would say things like "I'd be a wreck; I don't know how you're here at work." Or, "I'd be crying all the time." Well, I did plenty of crying at home, and went to work when I could for reasons that were good for me. At my recent annual review, not one mention was made that I had done it all in spite of going thru surgery, chemo, and rads. Maybe my supervisor wouldn't want that in a written report for HR reasons, but a personal affirmation would have been nice.
I had a friend who told me the biopsy would be nothing who immediately apologized after mine confirmed cancer. She admitted she was trying to reassure me and only looking at it from her own experience. No harm, no foul.
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Smile-on, I was 32 when I felt lump, took a year to be dx'd properly because I was "too young". I heard the too young comment for years, finally started responding each time "that's what I said". It kind of stopped people in their tracks and felt good to me having some type of response for such a silly statement.
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i started with "precancer" FYI there's no such thing, when i was your ages. if only they knew then, what they do now. i would have had a BMX and recon done yrs ago. we waited, watched, and i was so sure i was gonna beat it, i had so many times before. NOPE by the time i got it, i was too old, and too sick to have any recon.. so, here i am.at least, i'm alive. they weren't sure at all i'd survive chemo, and the infections, but i di. April it'll be 2 yrs from the surgery. Nov was a yr from chemo.. i'll never be the same, but we all have to deal with the cards we've been dealt. i'm so glad not one of you are falling for the "yoiu're too young" theory.. 3jays0
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Hadley- that sucks that they didn't even consider you for the job because you had the wrong degree! All having a degree says is that you are trainable and you finished something you started. How many times have you started a job and felt like- oh my classes I took covered all this? NEVER. Every job I've had required me to learn new things/skills to do the job- including the jobs I've had after the Master's degree.
You'll find something else- I feel like things are looking up for those of us who are job-seeking. I was offered temp work with the job I interviewed for- they don't have enough work to hire someone full time, but I have 3 weeks worth of week with them- and it sounds like if and when they can hire someone full time- the job is mine.
Glad your nipple tat went well- so its yellowish after the tat? I agree that it does change color after it heals- mine was so dark- but then the outer layer of skin peeled off and the color underneath was pretty darn close to the other one. I didn't know it takes more than one time- I am supposed to go back in 8 weeks
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Hadley, can't help with the tatoo part.. no recon for me.. but i peed myself with the lymphedema armsleeve; cause i've been there, girl!! rapped myself a good one in the mouth, too.. and more than once, too!!
godd thing they didn't remove our sense of humor along with the breast tissue, eh? 3jays
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Hadley: I've lost out on interviews over the years I've been working. I feel things happen for a reason, and that something better is in store for you. Good luck with all of that.
Julie
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Hadley - Sorry about the job. I'd say I can't believe they wouldn't even interview you, but unfortunately these days many companies are looking for people that meet all of their requirements and have done the exact same job before, even if there are other people who are probably better candidates. I'm also having frustrations on the job front. I interviewed for a fundraising job with a major cancer organization in November - my first interview with them was two days before my exchange surgery. I actually made it through a couple rounds of subsequent interviews, but they still have the job posted and are continuing to interview people. I don't know what these people are looking for. I have fundraising experience with one of the country's top nonprofits and I'm a BC survivor, so who better to solicit potential donors (just like who would be better than someone like you to help BC patients). Just wanted to let you know I share your frustration. Hopefully, something better will come along for both of us. Like Julie, I like to think things happen for a reason (although this whole BC thing has somewhat dampened my normal optimistic outlook). Lisa
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Hadley,
try pm'ing bethny. she can help you with pixs for reference of tatooing.
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When I was telling my 'best friend' how my PS was going to re-construct my breast with my belly fat, she said, "You can have the fat from my a$$." Uh no thanks, I don't want your a$$ fat in my breast. Not only was that rude and insensitive but gross. Needless to say, we are not close anymore.
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I was just diagnosed with BC this week and will be getting an MRI next week. While certainly a life-changing Dx, I still feel very positive about the journey I've just begun. The majority of people are probably well-meaning, even if some say incredibly STUPID stuff. It's kind of funny, because I actually feel like I've been trying to reassure my family, friends and co-workers that everything's going to work out ok. A few reactions are a bit too dramatic for me to take right now. I've been open with my co-workers; about 20 employees in a school in a small town, everyone knows everything that's going on with everyone anyway, so why not. I haven't done anything wrong or to be ashamed of so why be hush-hush.
One co-worker, tho, said she knew a woman who went thru what I am now experiencing who asked what other cancers she might be be at a higher risk for, and had all that taken care of while being treated for BC. I know the co-worker meant well, but I wanted, "Oh, wonderful, it never occurred to me that one cancer leads to another, thanks for enlightening me to the frightening possibility!" Lol.
SmileOn, excellent post, love your thorough answer and have to say you are so right when you state that hearing the same thing from two different people can cause two different reactions.
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DivineMrsM- welcome to the club no one wants to join! Sorry you had to join us, but glad you found us. I have found this site to be a godsend in so many ways.
so this friend of your coworker could just get all those other potential cancers taken care of just like that huh? Like here's your anti-lung cancer pill, and a anti-colon cancer pill and... The only cancer I know of linked to bc is Ovarian and that is only if you are in the 5% with a positive BRCA mutation- what a load of crap!
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oh maybe Divine MrsM's coworker's friend had the organs to which bc might metastize removed pre-emptively, you know like her bones, her liver and her brain??
and isn't it amazing all the people who know someone who has the EXACT SAME diagnosis as you do!!
Julie E
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Well at least you know Mrs.M's co-worker can't get brain cancer. Cause you need one to get it.
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barbe1958 - You are hysterical! Love your comment. So true!
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SmileOn and theDivineMrsM - Welcome. I am sorry for your diagnosis but am glad you have joined us here - we understand the enormous impact this dx has on someone's life and are ready to listen and support you as we can.
Hadley - sorry you didn't even get an interview when you are obviously well qualified for the job. Like Lisa and Julie I think things happen for a reason - hang in there.
Barb - thanks for your wicked sense of humour - your comments always give me a chuckle.
3jays - That bus is my favourite too - ROFL. I throw all sorts of other life 'stuff' under there too and I always feel better when I see it.
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