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The dumbest things people have said to you/about you

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Comments

  • leaf
    leaf Member Posts: 1,821
    edited January 2011

    Otter, Barbe, Native: I wish I could tuck all of you in my purse so I could pull you out when I need you.

    I hate being told I am strong, even if its only referring to the way I handle my shift's problems.

  • Alyad
    Alyad Member Posts: 174
    edited January 2011

    Prihode,

    The alternative is finding a balance. I think most everyone's reality lies somewhere inbetween the super positive rah rah BS and being miserable for the rest of your life. There's being positive and then there's not expressing the feelings you have at the expense of feeling like you have to put on this positive facade. It's okay to have and accept feelings you have that aren't so positive. Its good to express them and let them out and let those around you know you are hurting so they can help. Expressing your feelings does not mean you are going to be miserable and make everyone else miserable for the rest of your life. Ignoring negative feelings only leads to depression.

  • mbtlcsw01
    mbtlcsw01 Member Posts: 250
    edited January 2011

    I believe that when we get this stuff about having a "positive attitude," it is to make that other person feel better because they really don't know what else to say.  But it is offensive--no one has the right to tell anyone how to feel.  During surgery, treatment, recon, etc, we are in a very different world and we are just trying to keep up day to day.  One should be honored just for that--you woke up, you made coffee, you went to work, you breathed all day long.  That is good enough.  To tell someone to stay positive is horse dung.  It does not honor where we may be that day in dealing with it.  I'm over 2 years out.  I have noticed recently that some people that I know in the hospital I work in ask me how I am, but in a different way.  I can tell they are asking respectfully how am I really doing.  My answer today is "good, really good." 

    I also work in a VA hospital with veterans mentioned above.  I am so happy this young man is positive, but at some point, he should be allowed to be mad as he!! for what he's had to suffer and will live with the rest of his life, if he hasn't already.  I would very likely lose my job if I told one of my young veterans "stay postive."  That is so patronizing.

  • minxie
    minxie Member Posts: 239
    edited January 2011

    When I was first diagnosed I had no idea what stage I was, if I would die, what treatments would entail. I just knew I had to have immediate surgery and my life had been turned upside down.

    I went in to tell my boss that I had been diagnosed with breast cancer and would probably need to take some time off of work. He said he was sorry to hear it, he would talk to HR to see what I needed to do to take leave - and then he said there was a video I should watch, and he'd email me the link. It turned out to be the Randy Pausch video! You know the guy who found out he had pancreatic cancer and only a few months to live and made a brave, inspirational video about? OK, that's great, but I don't want to hear about someone dying of cancer when I'm about to go under the knife.

    In a lot of ways my boss has been helpful with the technicalities - but short on the empathy.

  • yemaya
    yemaya Member Posts: 2
    edited January 2011

    What a stupid woman. Yes, she's clearly jealous of your relationship w/her daughter. A compliment to you that her own daughter would do things for you rather than her own mother. You are loved by your friend very much. Just focus on that. to hell w/her.

  • otter
    otter Member Posts: 757
    edited January 2011

    The following article is recommended reading, for anyone who thinks the sole alternative to having a positive attitude is "... being miserable for the rest of your life and making others around you miserable, too...":   Barbara Ehrenreich's article, "Overrated Optimism: The Peril of Positive Thinking" (http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1929155,00.html).  In this article, Ms. Ehrenreich makes the following observation:

    "Fortunately, the alternative to optimism is not pessimism, which can be equally delusional. What we need here is some realism, or the simple admission that, to paraphrase a bumper sticker, "stuff happens," including sometimes very, very bad stuff. We don't have to dwell incessantly on the worst-case scenarios — the metastasis, the market crash or global pandemic — but we do need to acknowledge that they could happen and prepare in the best way we can. Some will call this negative thinking, but the technical term is sobriety."

    I've highlighted the relevant part in bold-faced print.  Personally, I think there is plenty of room between optimism and pessimism (or between positive and negative thinking, as others might say).  I prefer the term "resilience," which is the title of the late Elizabeth Edwards' most recent book.

    Resilience.  I even like how it sounds.

    otter

  • kelben
    kelben Member Posts: 199
    edited January 2011

    Well,I don't think the non-cancer people that love us know what to say.   They feel compelled to say something and 9 times out of 10, we are offended.  We are offended with life for heaven's sake, with healthy people, happy people, funny people, positive people, negative people and just people in general.  We don't and I am certainly including myself, know just how to feel and we certainly don't know what to say to people who are trying to help us feel better.

  • chabba
    chabba Member Posts: 3,600
    edited January 2011

    Kathy, you are so right.  Even with people that I know really love me and honestly care about how I am, sometimes I have to ask myself "do they really want to know at this point in time?"

  • raeinnz
    raeinnz Member Posts: 553
    edited January 2011

    The other day my best friend, who supported me through the whole horrible experience, and I were discussing my emotional recovery from bc dx and treatment.  She said that at the time she could see that anything she said wouldn't help because she didn't really understand what I was going through and she felt that she had not been as good a friend as she could have been as a result.  My reply was that I knew she felt that way and that whatever she said would not have helped and that the real support I got from her was in just having her stick by me as a friend and check on me frequently.  I also said that there were thoughts that were too scary to share with anyone because I could see no-one understood and she said she was sad that I had to bear that pain alone. It was nice to be this far out and be able to discuss our thoughts and emotions about that time and know that we have a great love for eachother that has been tested and has lasted the distance. Yes, people do care but sometimes their words are not what we need - we just need someone there so we don't feel so alone.

  • leaf
    leaf Member Posts: 1,821
    edited January 2011

    I think you have a great friend, raeinnz.  I know I didn't have to tell you that; you knew it already.

  • nativemainer
    nativemainer Member Posts: 7,955
    edited January 2011

    My response to the whole "stay positive" thing now is to suggest that the speaker stay positive during thier next colonoscopy.  That way they won't need any sedating or pain killing medication.  It's so easy after all,  just stay positive!  

    If anyone tries this I woulk like to know how it works for you.  

    It's bad enough I got cancer.  Now to find out that every feeling I have is wrong is devastating. Not only did my body betray me, but I can't suffer that betrayal the "right" way?  I must have missed the "how to have cancer" lecture in Health Class.  

  • leaf
    leaf Member Posts: 1,821
    edited January 2011

    I'll have to keep this in my repetoire.  I have an outpatient procedure next Tuesday (not breast.) I'm 'allergic' to 'stay positive' and 'you're so strong'.  I hope I don't need to use it though. Thanks again, NM.

  • karen1956
    karen1956 Member Posts: 4,644
    edited January 2011

    rae....your post about your friend was so touching.....you two are lucky to have each other

  • molly52
    molly52 Member Posts: 142
    edited January 2011

    rae - I am glad you have a friend there was "there" for you.  I bet you are a wonderful friend to her as well.

  • dutchgirl6
    dutchgirl6 Member Posts: 322
    edited January 2011

    I got cancer, I had surgery, chemo, rads, I lost my hair, my self esteem took a beating, it all sucked big time!  I am starting to haul myself up and get on with things.  I have tried to stay positive during the past year, but sometimes I go to the dark side.  But, I am in control of how I feel, and I don't need anyone to tell me how I should feel.  What gets me are the people who tell me that I am brave, or their role model, or their hero.  That's way too much pressure, I'm just learing how to deal with this myself, and I'm not particularly brave, but I am fighting with all I've got.

  • otter
    otter Member Posts: 757
    edited January 2011

    rae, that has to be the most touching post I've read on these boards in a very long time.  I wish we could bottle whatever that is your friend has, and hand it out to the other people we deal with.  Your friend did exactly what I wish my family had done; and your conversation about it was on-target.

    Gee.  I'm lost, here. I've run out of words.  Your post made me feel so comforted, it's as if your friend had talked to us and not just to you.  Please thank her for all of us.  She gets it.  And, so do you.  :)

    otter

  • nativemainer
    nativemainer Member Posts: 7,955
    edited January 2011

    Thanks to the Good Lord for freinds like rae's that are willing to be present without judging, or even talking, sometimes. 

  • kelben
    kelben Member Posts: 199
    edited January 2011

    Rae, thank your friend for me too.  Those words were the first I've heard that went straight to my heart.   I took a deep cleansing breath and smiled.... she is someone special.    Thanks for sharing.

  • leaf
    leaf Member Posts: 1,821
    edited January 2011

    I am so glad you had such a good comeback, Cindy!  Maybe that nurse will think twice next time.  Maybe she didn't even hear you.  But at least you TRIED.

    You have such a sweet friend too.  As Otter said, I wish we could bottle this and give it out to everyone, or at least our close friends and family.  I bet Rae and you are just as good to your friends as they are to you.

  • nativemainer
    nativemainer Member Posts: 7,955
    edited January 2011

    hillik--great comeback!  Hopefully the nurse was embarassed and just kept going to cover for herself.  Tell your friend that I think she is wonderful!  Exactly what a freind should be! 

  • BMac
    BMac Member Posts: 115
    edited January 2011

    How about "Do you know how lucky you are?"  Okay, so this is from an acquaintance (not friend) who lost her husband in 04 from esophogeal cancer.  Lucky?  Really?  Let's see:

    Stage III ovarian cancer in '02 with complete hysterectomy, followed by 6 months of chemo and 6 weeks of rads.  Then in '07 stage III  breast cancer with 4 months of chemo followed by bilat mast and 5 weeks of rads.  Lymphedema since '08 and now no chance of reconstruction.  Wow, how lucky am I!!!

    This lady phoned me in the fall of '02...oh not to see how I am!  To ask how much we bought our carpet in the basement for (as her husband had been over for a card game my husband had and they went to the same place).  I got out of  bed, went down two flights of stairs to retrieve the bill and then went back up again to let her know.  Did she ask me how I was?  NO.  Now I would never had expected her to call me as we're not friends but to call my house when she knew I was going through cancer treatments and not even ask how I was is incredibly rude.

    I very sweetly let her know that I know how lucky I am; lucky to be alive given the Stage III, the lymph nodes behind the breastbone that couldn't be removed.  I'm very lucky.  Of course she was shocked; she'd assumed I was an early stage both times.

  • stlcardsfan
    stlcardsfan Member Posts: 227
    edited January 2011

    I just saw this thread a few minutes ago.

    This is what happened to me around the time I was diagnosed.

    The "reason" I got breast cancer was because I never had kids. Yep, someone actually said that to me. 

  • mbtlcsw01
    mbtlcsw01 Member Posts: 250
    edited January 2011

    Rae, you just described what my DH teaches hospital chaplains about how to spiritually care for someone and your friend did that for you.  It is called the "presence of being."  I had my BMX on 10/28/2008.  He had his total knee replacement on 12/1/2008.  I started chemo on 1/7/2009.  We were there for each other in the manner you described.  I could not imagine how much pain he was in to have this surgery done, but I sat quietly with him while he healed doing what I could.  He had many dark days and the last thing I would say to him was to be positive.  From my view, it hurt like holy hell and he just had to endure til he could heal up.  BTW, it was well worth the surgery for him, he can do anything today.

    When I was going thru chemo, I was so allergic to it, I stopped breathing twice.  I also got very despondent.  He would take days off just to sit with me.  We may not have said more than 3 sentences to each other during that time, but he knew I needed him.  He knew he had no idea what I was going through, but just being with me made a world of difference.

    Rae, your friend was performing a spiritual mission for you, just to be there for you with no words,  just presence. 

  • annettek
    annettek Member Posts: 1,160
    edited January 2011

    I just sat and read and laughed over the last four pages I had to catch up on. Here is the latest one I have gotten...as my TEs are being expanded I now have something resembling a bustline and at work one very chesty gal came up and said (knowing everything that has gone on with me)," man I wish I had your boobs, these things of mine are too big.  Maybe I should get breast cancer so insurance will pay for it..."

    wtf?

  • bcincolorado
    bcincolorado Member Posts: 4,758
    edited January 2011

    Where's that bus?  She needs to be under it!

  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 7,605
    edited January 2011

    Barbara, where DID you get carpet? I need some...

    Mary, my DH comes to work with me sometimes "just to be there". He wanders around a local mall, but I know he is near. I have other health issues and sometimes I need him to be the driver. No big deal. It's nice to know he's not a 45 minute drive up the highway.

    Oh Annette! It took this long for you to hear that? You done good! Laughing

    When people tell me to "stay positive" I say, "Yep, I'm positive I have cancer! And before I was positive I didn't!" Makes THEM stop and think.....

  • BMac
    BMac Member Posts: 115
    edited January 2011

    Hey Barbe, the guy retired...he was a real piece of work, scary.  What a guy your DH is.

  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 7,605
    edited January 2011
    Yah, I really lucked out! Innocent
  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 7,605
    edited January 2011
    Of course, if he was working, that would ease some of the financial pressure!!!! Yell
  • Alyad
    Alyad Member Posts: 174
    edited January 2011

    Rae, what a wonderful friend you have. I hope I can uplift you all a little too - I have a great couple friends as well- the woman I consider my best friend moved to FL 4 years ago to get her PhD- she was the first one besides my DH I told about the lump. She always seems to know the perfect thing to say to me to make me laugh and put my mind at ease. I remember her saying- oh if it is cancer, they'd just suck out it througha straw- they're so advanced now!

    I had a party to shave my head after my first chemo- and I made a Facebook event to invite people- I invited her just to let her know about it even tho she lives in FL and I live in MO. I have to admit there was a part of me that wanted her to come and part of me that somehow knew she would - my thoughts reminded me of a little kid wanting something and the adult saying that'd be really nice but its not pratical. But the day of the party, I was inside talking to someone and I saw her walk by outside my house to go out and talk to DH who was in the backyard. and I said- OH she did NOT!!! but the voice inside me was just like of course she's here. She flew in from FL to surprise me.

    Neither one of us is very emotional expressive, we are both kind of tomboy science geeks. We rarely hug. We don't even talk on the phone very much but I know I'll be friends with her until the day I die. She called me every round of chemo to check out me. 

    Another close friend who lives here was amazing for me as well- various people came up to sit with DH during my 10 hour surgery, but she stayed with him and was there when I woke up after surgery and she came and visited me all the time during chemo. I love her for being there for him as well.