The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
Comments
-
mcbird, I think you "win" this mother-pissing contest!! That beats all!!! I bow to you. I have no more words.
0 -
My therapist suggested a book that I feel really deals with the Narcissitic Mothers- Its called the narcissistic family by Pressman. I would never win the worst mother contest. She's not that horrible, but I still felt like crap and a burden growing up. The book talks about two kinds of narcissitic families- covert and subtle- most of these examples would be more covert- where any stranger can see the parent is a horrible person and cases of alcoholism and abuse where the childs needs are totally ignored. Sometimes I feel like the subtle narcississm is harder to recognize and get past- harder to see the toxicity, harder to draw boundaries.I don't feel like my mom is so horrible she deserves to be cut out of my life, but she still pisses me off fairly regularly.
As an adult I look at her mom tho- and holy hell- she was a cold unfeeling woman and its easy to see why my mom is the way she is.
Luan thanks for the link to that website, I will be checking it out.
0 -
Hang on though; the fact that my mom was the way she was is why I am different than her. I learned from her! It's no excuse to be the same way....unless she didn't even notice.But I agree that the covert would be little zingers that no one would think was very bad. Kind of like "death by a thousand cuts".0
-
Very deeply painful subject indeed. I say, we have only ourselves to congratulate for the formidable person we have become. Very fragile, yet invincible.
Went digging in my boxes and found these titles - I should read these again, but it's tough, brings up very raw emotions:
"Surviving a borderline parent" Kimberle Roth
"Understanding the borderline mother" Christine Lawson
"Narcissism" Alexander Lowen
"Toxic parents" Susan Forward
"Will I ever be good enough?" Karyl McBride
I know I have more somewhere.....
There is no flying without wings.
0 -
My mom is WAY better than her mom was- I think she thought she was being a good mom, she just didn't know how.I chose not to be a mom in part because I wasn't sure I could break the cycle. I find myself annoyed by my cats wanting attention (and cats really are pretty low maintenance as I made myself to be as a child- try not to expect anything and you won't be dissappointed right?) there are many other bigger reasons I chose not to have children ( I just don't like them for one and my life revolves around being able to travel and go hiking), but I had the thought that I wouldn't ever want a child to feel about me the way I feel about my mom. I tell myself she did the best she could- but honestly her best sucked. I know I could have done way better, had I had children, but I think if I had I might have felt even more anger towards my mom. I'm having a difficult day where the emotions are running very high...
0 -
I somehow managed to brake the cycle, no daughter, only a son. THANK GOD !!!
0 -
I don't believe the crap "they did the best they could!" How do you know????? Eh???? Were you there? Was the best they could be the fact that they only beat one child (me) out of four???? Is that how they justified it??? Alyad I'm with you on this one and I'm proud of you for not continuing the cycle. I have never admitted this on this site, but I left my ex WITH my children as I was afraid that I was becoming the mother I hated. I have a strong, loving relationship with my kids and I truly believe it's because it was as a separated family. When they were with me it was 100% for them. I panicked as I saw some of those book titles and actually googled, borderline mother and another one, but I did not fit those profiles. Phew!!
0 -
wow!i want to thankyou ladies for this discussion.. Barbe, i know i've talked to you about similiar childhoods... Luan, thanks so much for all the info. on so many levels i relate.. and AlYad, i have a (close) friend who i would love to qoute what you wrote to: she is shamed byple that she chose to not have children.. she came from a narcissistic mother in so many ways!!she's on BCO; can i tell her to read this page? she doesn't feellike she belongs, and boy does she here!
so, for me, i had a sudo narcissistic mom.. one of the covert types, rather than advert.. but what i hated more than anything she would do.. and later in klife we went to blows over it... she would make a "dig" at someone, and then "nudge" me forcibly, so i would know just how nasty she was being..THAT for some reason, more than all the rest (and there was plenty)sent me over the top!!!
to this day, i can't stand if someone nudges me, or pushes me.
my house ran according to my alchoholic fathers whims. Later in life, i came to understand the dynamics of my fractured family, but it took years in therapy to come to terms with a lot that was done..
one thing that happened, was my mom set the family tructure so that my sister was "the good girl" the one she sidedwith, and i got "stuck" or so i thought, with the drunk.. he was violent with both of them, but not with me. well, we traded blows, is more like it. i grew up fist to cuffs daily, and it was watching the beatings my mom and sister took that affected me the worst....
my dad was my strongest support in the family, and thats' just ***ed up!!he and i had quite a history, even tried torun each other over with cars! when i was 18 is he handed me a loaded gun he had pointed at my mom, and told me to shoot him
that was the defining moment in my life. cause i gave it back to him, telling him he wasn't worth it. My life was set that night. I'd decided to be the one who wouldn't carry it on...
it also was the night i first fled my family. 'cause after i did, i ran like hell!! then, he tried to shoot me, unloaded both barrels of a shotgun behind me, as i jumped the fence!! i ended up in a gas station, not even able to talk, in my nightgown! they called the cops, and my dad was put away for evaluation for the 1st time in our family... i ran to my bf in Fla.. and my dad tried to find me for over a year!
i called from different towns i was in, tried to cover where i lived, even had 2 addresses for a couple of years...
weird, i suurvived it all, and ended up later in life, having a relationshop with both of them . strained, to say the least, but a relationship, none the less.
my sister and i never really made peace till both of them were gone, and its' very shakey, to say the least...
i DO feel like an orphan most of the time..
weird, though. Luan, i never connected the trouble i have with my oldest son to Narcissism till today, reading the webpage you provided, which i bookmarked..
2 out of 3 of my kids are adopted, my oldest dx with borderline disorder as ayoung teen.. another "lost" child.. i never realized that the "never good enough" is still perpetrated on me from him. typically borderline, for sure.. but Narsisstic.. no doubt! i will be looking into those books, thanks,. it sure doesn't bode well for my GKids, thats for sure.. and the beat goes on...
if stress is a large part ofopening yu up for bc; then, id say we all qualify, eh? thanks for all your honesty, gals. you've helped me tremendously in the spot i STILL find myself in somedays... 3jays
0 -
"Daughters of Narcissistic parents" is another good one..."Codependent no more" is awesome... I too chose not to have kids...apparently, according to my brother, I decided very firmly at age 13 that I was not doing the kid thing and revisiting this crap on them....oy...instead we get breast cancer....seriously???
hugs to us all ...we have come through the other side.....I attribute my ability to work with troubled youth and to multitask (to my detriment perhaps?) because of my background....I can relate but I chose NOT to live that lifestyle or treat people in the same way...I do NOT say things that I will regret....that being said...sometimes i swallow what others might say because I do not want to hurt anyone....ah life's lessons....
And...can I just add (new subject)...got an email form someone today who said (in relation to me heart event..not cancer) that "it was speaking loud and clear?"/.//first of all...what is???? secondly...why do people keep telling folks about my health stuff?? It is not all that interesting and those who do know, I have asked to keep it private....these emails of support are simply making me p'o'd....is that wrong?
0 -
3jays..i dont know what to say to you except you are a strong lady and an inspiration you have overcome so much and made no excuses! God Bless you and much love and hugs to you!!!!!!
Maria
0 -
thank you
0 -
3jays- of course you can share my comment with your friend, that's why we are here!
I have many other reasons not to have children, I just don't like most kids for one and I really like travelling and long distance hiking. In high school and college I thought eh, probably not- later on in my late 20's I had a brief period where I thought I might want one, but then came back around in my 30's to no. But I do remember a very clear thought where I realized I didn't feel strong enough to be a good mother. I still struggle with depression and I've arranged my life so I can function- I don't deal with stress well. I am definately an avoider of conflict. I met my DH and he was rather anti kid as well, so that's that. We had already decided he was getting a vasectomy in 2009 even before I was dx in dec 2008. I had to go and talk to his doc to convince him a mid 30's couple really did not want any kids before he'd do the procedure. I have to admit being dx with bc at 35 might have helped me make up my mind had I still been on the fence, but it was already a done deal in our minds.
Now when we are out somewhere and there are noisy kids- we just look at each other and say "Not Us!!" My BFF is 7 months pregnant with a baby boy at the moment -I'm going to be a fantastic aunt. DH and I are cat people- dogs are too much of a commitment- we joke if we get old and ever regret not having kids we'll get a dog.
My mom is great with the underhanded snide comments-she never has made me feel good. its always listen to me, poor me, etc etc. My favorite is her saying " I don't know what you did to deserve him..." about my wonderful DH. I called her out on it and of course she said- oh i didn't mean it like that- i meant you must have done something good... I feel like she's jealous that I have a great love that she never had. And I feel bad for her that she never felt loved, but I also feel like who the hell would want to be with her?
my parents have been divorced for over 20 years and she still tells me about how some random email my father sent her made her feel good. If you are still holding on to the shreds of a relationship with a man who never treated you right (and who is remarried for 10 years), WTH? Sometimes I just think she's not that smart. I believe you make your own reality and the reason I have a wonderful husband is I didn't settle for less.
0 -
wow!you guys blow me away with your support.. im gonna delete the post, 'cause it was TMI.. and ive had stuff end up in Google thats' for your eyes only" but, it was about the past.. and im really ok now. as a matter of fact; DH and i were talking at dinner tonight,and the website, and info on Narcissism Really helped me accept more about my son today! thanks so much for all your love.. we really are a family (and Annette def. can be mama!!) 3jays
EALLY
0 -
You ladies whose mothers live very very far away are very very lucky....mine insists on living MY life and controlling it. When I moved to Montreal, she moved to Montreal, when I moved to Ottawa, she moved to Ottawa, when I moved back to Montreal, she moved back to Montreal. I wish she would GO AWAY AND STAY AWAY!!! She is starting to get that she can't hurt me so much anymore so she has been interfering between my son and I and he is so angry at me and I don't know why, sniff, sniff.
Below, excerpts of a study published on our Canadian broadcast:
Study Links Child Abuse, Cancer Risk - Victims May Be More Prone To Cancer Later In Life; "Fight Or Flight" Hormone Cortisol May Play A Role
(AP) A new study suggests children and adolescents who are physically abused have a greater chance of developing cancer later in life than those who are not abused.
The study by researchers at the University of Toronto found childhood physical abuse is associated with a 49 per cent higher chance of developing cancer in adulthood.
Principal researcher Esme Fuller-Thomson says there are many possible but unproven reasons physical abuse might increase the risk of cancer.
One theory suggests that ongoing stress raises levels of the "fight or flight" hormone cortisol, which may suppress the immune system's ability to detect and destroy cancer cells.
The study found the link between childhood abuse and cancer remained high even after adjusting for adult health behaviours such as smoking and alcohol consumption.
Fuller-Thomson stresses that most abused children do not develop cancer, but she says more research is needed to explain the higher cancer rates the study found.
The study used data from the Canadian Community Health Survey and will be published in next month's issue of the journal Cancer.0 -
yep, ive been told over/over again thats' why antidepressants won't work on me. fight or flight. the adrenal glands are burned out. i make enough for a week, and my bodydoesn't metabolize it correctly; so, im always def. in adrenaline.
some of my behaviors in my early 20-30's they said i was a adrenaline "junkie" as my bodys' way of trying to get what it needed.
i now, for 20 years, take desipramine; (adreniline ) every night, and CAN be more settled. i got dx with chronic fatigue, 'cause of the adrenal problem. opens me up to thyroid cancer, which Thank you
God! didn't happen...i wanted you ladies to know; the post, after comments from all over bco; seemed tmi..more than i wanted "out there" for other eyes.. you guys yes, but more ple saw it than i was comfortable with, so i just deleted it. i wanted to thank you for being so there yesterday. i know im not the only one who came in with this to bco. and that helps alot.
Luan, my problems were settled a long time ago. i have to say; my parents D
ID respond appropriately to the boundaries i set up as an adult, before they died, so i got some closure.i think the ONGOING crapwith your mother is just too much!!! thats' she's drug your son into it is unwxcusable.. we need to get a gun, ladies, not a bus!!!lol
i really am so sorry, Luann. that's a really severe case. i think YOU are the strong one... my heart and thoughts will be with you, sweetie... 3jays
0 -
Sorry 3jays, I was not able to read your post before you removed it. It's OK, I understand your hurt without a word having to be said. I really really hurt for my son, because I know what she is capable of and he NEEDS his mother, as he has no sibblings and his father (who does not own a heart) has never ever been in his life.
People hate her so much that, I remember once when I was young, she had received a dead snake in a box through the post (she is absolutely terrified of snakes). Horror stories which I am also uncomfortable relaying through this forum.
Big hugs to all
"A broken hand works, but not a broken heart"
0 -
Hadley, I really hope you find some comfort
0 -
3jays- the purpose was to vent and get support and know you are not alone. We hear you and yes, good idea to delete if it does not feel safe. Know that those of us who read it hear you and those who did now....also hear you.hugs
0 -
3jays, what you wrote was stunning, it shows what a wonderfully strong person you are. So its big hugs to you and to others who have such moving stories.
I actually felt quilty after reading what some of you ladies have been through and that I had had things so easy. Then I thought, hey there, you have spent much of your life with illness, serious illness. Achieving things has been a struggle because of health issues. I was off school for 4 years from 12 to 16 and then had to fight to be allowed to go to university. I could go on. So, yes we all have struggles but some people seem to be handed a load of crap and life is just not fair for many. I'm ranting.
I just want to run a few people down with your bus both family and friends. Because of the other healthtroubles making the BC more of a problem I have retired which was not easy as I loved teaching but I would love to slap the next person who goes on about me being a lady of leisure (a cousin actually). Never mind I am alive andliving. I have two beautiful grandchildren, a loving family and a pack of mad relations but I have some wonderful friends I have made through BCO. Even though I am so far away I have meet some and chat via skype with others.
I had better get moving have an appointment with rad onc today and not sure what time. Its just a check up and takes 5 minutes and that will be $120 thasnk you.
Have a good day. Big hugs to all
0 -
Alyson- $120.....no wonder so many people do not go to follow up appointments...so grateful that I never see the bill here in Canada...it would just add to my guilty feelings! A lady of leisure indeed....crazy!
0 -
hey- i will gladly be mama but i gotta admit- I am far from the *perfect* mom hahaha0- i actually left about 15 years ago because I was burnt out- it was six months out of my life = i saw the kids everyday but I knew I had to go or I would die. Funny, but my mom- the uber mom that she truly is- she understood and supported me 100%- helped my hubby with meals and taking care of stuff...until I managed to get my sh*t together and start all over again- it was such a fluke-I had been thought of as the world's best mom - although I think more because the little one had autism than anything else...so when I left- well, you can imagine the SCANDAL- like betty crocker ordering pizza hahaha...the worst memory from that time is mother's day- we were taking my mom out and my sister's eldest came up to me as I entered the restaurant and snarled "What are you doing here on Mother's day- you are no mother- you are nothing" I ran out hysterically crying.....and called...........................my husband. Who proved how special he is as he said come on over here and let me and the boys make the best mom in the world some dinner (I was going to go over there after mom's dinner) I knew that day that my very best friend was the man I married. It took about another month- then I was home. Lot of pain but the boys and us made it through. Of course my niece and I have never healed-she is still as vile as she was all those years ago. Her most recent comment was "How can you say you are celebrating 35 years of marriage in April- isn't it more like 34.5...." I have decided she is just a nasty little bitch not worth a response and I reply with what myhusband taught me to say "You know, you might be right" hahah IT INFURIATES PEOPLE WHEN YOU SAY THAT. just nod your head and say it next time some one says something nuts to you....they can't figure out what you mean. Of course you don't add...yes, you might be right if you lived on the plant dogsh*t hahahaha....anwya, have no idea where all of this came from but there you have it...and if anyone googles this...good for them...they can bite me:)
0 -
Annette, I just PM'd you a question:) As for being a good mom...I have a friend who also has two boys, one of whom is autistic....it is a hard, hard go....sometimes we need breaks from our lives to collect ourselves and refocus ...you did what you needed to do and you went home. Good on you Annette for taking care of yourself....that's my take on it all.
0 -
thanks bud:) we love him so much. I love it when folks ask "What is he good at? (i.e. rainman:) and I reply- being himself. I will write a book one day and the title will be "My name is Me" that is because for years when you asked him who he was he said "me." True dat;) Now he says "Luka" (his brother Lukas) and cracks up laughing. Ah, what nutball he is-the driest sense of humor and he can express himself with so very few words that he has at his comman...but somehow, we all communicate. He is classified severe...I was told to put him away when he was three - I told the doc to )))) off. It can be trying but what child is not? And when people try to ascribe sainthood we both reply, if not us, who? I mean really. What is really funny is I talk so much so obviously god has a funny sense of humor. In many ways the kiddo is the most intelligent person I know, he keeps on trying and that inspires me. He has been a wonderful help to me through all of this...of course some of the time I was ready to wring his neck, but then I feel that way about anyone on any given day given the right situation:) Here is a dumb thing someone said to me when he turned 18- "Now that he is an adult you can give him to the state."
Now how on earth could you respond to that? That would not cause incarceration....
0 -
"...SCANDAL - like Betty Crocker ordering pizza" I love that line!!! It must have taken great strength to do what you did, Annette.0
-
Annette, I believe you are the most perfect Mom I have ever met, hugs
As for your niece, what a witch ! What do witches eat ? Spooketti, devils food cake and booberry pie ! You should give her a taste of your Betty Crocker culinary talents !
0 -
ANNETTE THATS HORRIBLE THAT SOMEONE WOULD SAY THAT WHEN HE TURNED 18 UGH! people are idiots... my son is 18 and has Aspergers and I wouldnt trade him for the world BUT there are a few people I wouldnt mind turning over to the state if you know what I mean????
0 -
My son is 19 and has asperger's. I would never think about sending him off to the state. I did have a nasty aunt asking me that years ago when he was 4. Needless to say, we are no longer close. She is one of the poison people. They had told me that I was a bad parent and that he was a spoiled brat. Then he was diagnosised with AS and they never apologized. I keep my distance.
0 -
Ignorance in stupid people runs so deep. My sister spares no words in that situation. They are so graphic I can't repeat them. I am getting close to using her techniques though. Actually it's"get out of my face MF'er. (old cop)
0 -
Veggie, Tink. Annette- makes you wonder....where do these folks get their information?..."give him to the state?"...seriously??? and do what? We all have our 'things'...some are just a bt more obvious han others'....you three are terrific moms!
0 -
I think we just all try to do the best we can. It is just hilarious when people thnk you can "give away" a child you have given your all to for so many years and say Ok that's it- I am done. Silly people. I can't figure them out nor do I spend much time trying to any longer. They can just bite me or help a mom out in a positive way and offer to babysit when she is about to pass out from exhaustion- but no, that would make too much sense:) My mom has been by my side helping in this from day 1, on the other hand, my sister has "babysat" exactly 1 time (and I gave her money for the lunch) she called me after two hours and asked how long would my husband and I be. Now mind you, my kiddo adores his aunt and would never act up in front of her and never has in 24 years.... Hubby set me straight and said no expectations from others are the best. He was and is right. but it still ticks me since she is big on love love love love....YET- when the houston PBS station did a show on Russ (about his impact on the other kids in the award winning high school choir--a true miracle as he does not sing like we think of singing and orginally the choir teacher said NO WAY to a kid with autism in her group-it took a week to schedule him out and by that time the kids insisted he STAY....) sister wanted in on the camera action and all the work SHE had done...nada...it was about a family who didn't know any better than to just keep on trying and some very wonderful teenagers who found out they were better people than they knew..
0
