The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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I wanted to share what a thoughtless ultrasound tech said to me early on after my dx.
My tumor was found at the 6 o clock position, but the PS wanted an needle biopsy on another area of of my breast that looked questionable on an MRI test. I'd just learned two weeks before that I had a malignancy, then the PS started talking that a lumpectomy was probably not an option due to tumor size, and now they're telling me there might be canser in another part of the breast.
So there was I all alone in the cold ultra sound room with the tech and she's trying to locate the other suspicious area with her bulky wand. She's running that wand all over both breasts at first and then she says
"Your breasts are a nightmare."
I guess due to their density or whatever, it makes it hard to tell if something is abnormal or not.
Believe me, had it not caught me completely off guard, and had I not been reeling from so much traumatic stuff happening to me in such a short time, I would have reported her. To this day I regret not saying something to the doctor or medical staff or whomever. Because that's was incredibly insensitive and frightening for her to say that to me.
And no more Mrs. nice guy. I almost gird myself up in case someone says something completely rude like that, so I have a come-back. Because now that I have the canser bitch side to me, I'm not gonna take it anymore.
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native mainer, i was in a chemo room at the clinic. they put 2 chiars together in one small room. really uncomfortable! however, the nurses there are wonderful:)
jackie
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Crazykitties: First, love your screen name; being a cat owner myself :-) Anyway, I felt for you when I read your post about your friend saying "I sensed you needed distance". I had a coworker/friend kind of do something similar after my DX. She came up to my desk, looked me straight in the eye and said "I just want you to know that I won't be asking you anything about your cancer" and then walked away. I was completely stunned and hurt. When I told a couple of friends about her comment, they tried to justify her comment by saying "oh, maybe she doesn't want you to think she's prying". Oh, how very noble! Well, if that's how she felt, she could have told me. I never thought it was that. I think she just didn't want to hear about "the cancer". What a bitch. I never talked to her about how I was doing and when she would whine about her problems, I would blow her off. What comes around, goes around...
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It's amazing the power of words, isn't it? Years ago, when I was at university, I had my breasts examined by a doctor at the student health clinic who said to me "You have lumpy breasts, they are like bags of ball bearings". To this day I wonder if that comment kept me from taking my lump seriously, and not having a mammogram earlier.
At the cancer centre here, the chemo rooms have six chairs each, so we don't have private infusion rooms unless we request them. I found that it was helpful to talk with the other people who were having their treatments, there was a real sense of camaraderie.
hdangelbaby, my family all lives across the country, and I felt a bit isolated during my treatment. One of my sisters did come for a week while I was having chemo, and while she was here we dropped in to the store where I work. After seeing me getting hugs from my bosses, coworkers and customers, my sister said to me "It's like they are your family here". It sounds like the people at the bar are doing that for you. But I am sorry to hear that your mother has treated you like this, that's not right.
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angelbaby- so sorry about your family not stepping up. So hard to know what to do...I have had offers of help and then nothing, not even an email for weeks from some of my family members....guess they get on with their own lives and believe me when I say I am ok...which i am when I say it ...but sometimes not in between you know what I mean...so...glad your mother in law is there for you ...she too is your family. Guess the question is...was your mom there for other thing.... is this new behaviour or old behaviour.....denial is not just for those of us with cancer....it can atack family members too.
travelgal- what a weird thing for her to say...why did she even bother to say anything...how odd...why not just pass by and say good to have you back or want a cup of tea...people are weird
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Hey Gurls, have to conclude that we're all too sexy for our hair
hdangelbaby - I second Barb - your mother is toxic just like mine. She could not stand the attention I was getting with this diagnosis so she was telling everyone "It should have been me, me, me !!!!", reverting the attention back to her, the poor victim, and everyone having to reply NO ! don't say that ! She would have loved all the attention SHE would have gotten had I allowed her to accompany me anywhere. I can just see her now, crying and feeling soooo sorry for herself. No way Osé. I'M A BIG GIRL NOW !
Your mother does not deserve you and all the rage u r feeling can only harm you. For your own sake, you have to let go - I know how hard it is - but maybe, just maybe, troubles with our mothers got us here in the first place, who knows ? Read BC patients had had "issues" in their infancy. Lots of docs out there about the topic. Treat the little girl inside u with all the kindness you can muster.
thedivineMrsM - let's all gird up and become cancer B#$@%.
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thank you ladies! I really was starting to wonder if I was the crazy one! it seems like I surely am not!
sandee, my mom has been like this ever since I moved out (in ST Louis) and moved to the Gulf Coast of MS, then moved to Idaho. Ever since I moved away it felt like she washed her hands of me.
Oh I forgot to tell you all, they didn't come to my wedding. Same excuse. No money "wah wah", but again, yet they go to the casino. I bet she is regretting that now........ not that i wish harm or discontent to anyone, but i really hope she is beating herself up now for not coming
and yes, i do need to let that rage go. sometimes i just cry about it. it's just a weird feeling that people from a BAR lend more of a helping hand ( bringing meals over, phone calls) than my own mother and father.....
but that is a good thing, cause it lets me know i am cared for and supported. thank you for letting me get that out, i really needed it, and the kind words too
Angel
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Angel, it took me many yeasr and many tears to learn to not let myself be in toxic situations. Sometimes they can't be avoided.
Believe it or not, I bet your mom is NOT beating herself up for not going to your wedding. In fact, I be she's blaming you somehow for having the wedding so far away!!! She wants all her friends to feel sorry for HER. I bet she tells them she's so sad that she can't be with you at this time....blah, blah, blah, blah...
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oh my god barbe! that is exactly what happened when they told me they weren't coming!!! they tried to get me to have the wedding THERE! uh, 2800 miles away!! i cannot make this up if i wanted to!! they wanted the whole wedding moved to st. louis!! they actually asked me to do that! but of course that was a big NO!! it was kinda weird at the wedding, all these people (that i nevermet from my DH's family, who came up from UT and CA), were asking where my family was. I said " they are here, they are you, they are my friends from Home Depot (where I work)" that was the best way i could deal with the question. i thought it was quite tactful!
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hdangel--VERY tactful and wonderful reply! Good for you!
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Dear Devine,
You should totally report that kind of unprofessional verbal abuse! First of all a tech has none of the training they would need to even make a comment like that . Even if they did to SAY it is unbelievable!
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beautiful answer HDANGEL!!!!!!
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HDangel- you are aware that it is not you and that my dear is more than half of the battle...embrace those who are around you...you are not alone and your mother does not know what she is missing. right now..this is about YOU...it has to be...so let it go (soooo hard I know..) and focus on those who are sincere and love you and are there. maybe a little ritual to let her go would help...a voodoo doll with pins? a picture burning bonfire? or a blunt phonecall telling her how you feel? All depends on the person but....be well....this is about you and you deserve support. period.
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thank you hadley!!!!
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there's a big bus coming to run ove r all the thoughtless people, mean people in our llives.. watch for it, esp... hd angle;Luan, and the divine mrs.m. and any of us who need it!!! 3jays
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its so soothing to let the bus roll on over them.. i tend to throw them, too... 3jays 0 -
they got what they deserve.. this is what YOU deserve.. ALL of us! 0 -
love the bus!!!
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Get this. We were having a huge bash for my 40th birthday party (13 years ago!!) and my mom would actually be in town! She lived 3,500 miles away, but was coming off a 3 month cruise that left her in our city's airport. So it was all working out. Until we told her about the party!! (She had flown out here JUST for my bro's 40th a couple years later, by the way. It's NOT about money, trust me) Anyway, she says 'no, they had to leave and go home, NOW because they'd been away for 3 months'!!! Seriously. You've been away for 3 MONTHS on a cruise and you can't stay ONE MORE NIGHT for my party. Nope. Away she went, the night before my party after sticking around for 3 days!! She would rather leave town than see anything done for me.....so sad. What a bitch!
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OK I will be Mom to anyone who needs one!:) I am so sorry for the pain these clueless women have inflicted on you. It is like BC, the "gift" that keeps on giving. At least they did ONE thing right and gave birth to you all. It is their damn loss--what is really galling is when they treat their own like sh*t and others like gold. A dear friend of mine who has been there throughout this whole battle is battling her own health war of another stripe..her mother-whom she nursed through two bouts of BC...treats her like a dog...her mom is jealous of her...a single woman raising twin teenage boys....but her mom treats her like dog poop...they all moved in together following last bout of her mom's BC...when I went to visit her mom was so sweet and friendly i could not figure out what my friend was talking about...but then it became apparent in our conversation...I called her on it...she laughed and said you are so fiesty-=I wish YOU were my daughter- this is while her daughter is in the kitchen running around like a chicken with her head cutoff...I let her have it...she got quiet and said well, i do love her but I don't really care for her. I told her I pitied her for her daughter was a blessing- she BARELY knew me when I was diagnosed and guess who took in my younger son for three days while I had my BMX...yep- she did...and that is no small feat...all the while I did not know she had been diagnosed the day before my surgery with a some horrid ulcerating skin condition for which there is no cure....i pointed this out to her mother and the fact that my own sister did not offer to do this and she said Why not, what else is there for her to do? It will help you like her and it is good she has a friend because she is so BORING. This woman is an RN...ARGH...in respect to her age I did not hit her. I truly wanted to punch her in the mouth. Then she bagan making plans for US to do something together and that maybe her daughter could watch my son. I am not exagerrating here. She is a vile nasty ass woman. It has become one of my goals to help unleash her daughter's wings. For she is beautiful and brilliant...nobody has told her this though...not even close. Excuse me, I think I will go to the bonfire section and toss that old broad in....
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Holy crap! Annette you CAN be my Mom!! (she is dead. really, not kidding) One time when I was in therapy (I tried....) she had to be there for one session and she told the psych that if she never saw me again it would be too soon. The psysch told her that she was an amazing women. I don't know if it was said in shock or snidely, but my mom repeated it to everyone.
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3jaysmom: that bus is hilarious ! THANKS !
Hadlay: you put your finger right on it narcisstic b*&?%.
This subject of rival mothers is probably the last taboo and sooo many people even refuse to hear about it. "How can your mother be the problem, you must have a problem"
I have collected a few titles over the years (have not read them all, rough reading). Will get back to you.
For the sisters who are interested: http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/. Love their moto: The pain stops here.
We should gather in an Orphan Forum (rated R) and trash all our might
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Oh, of course all Moms like Annette would be most welcome !
There is a special place in hell for narcissistic mothers
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I don't blame my mom for how I am. I think I rose ABOVE her!
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There are toxic people out there and they are not just family members. I have a friend whose mom has tld her she wished she would not visit..and then, in front of her, turned around and invitedme up for a weekend to go to art galleries...really? Are you serious? You just told one of my dearest friends that you don't want her to visit you...I promised this friend while she was out of town that I would try to do the odd thing with her mom as she is alone now (and we did go to one play and out for dinner) but she is soooooo narcissistic...only interested in her own stuff and not her family. She even invited me up to her home to recuperate after breast cancer....why would I go up there when I know she won't let her own daughters come home? I don't need or want her to like me...she has done damage to her daughter who is one of the greatest women I hav eevr met..This woman rent a cottage every year on the beach and then tells her other daughter who has two little ones, to go home after they have been there a day because the little ones are too loud....seriously? These women should NEVER be able to say they are mothers....not ever.
Barbe, sounds like you have done an excellent job mothering yourself over the years....again, you have that great sense of humour for a reason.
anette- your friend's mom sounds like my friend's.....who does that??
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Those two mums sure DO sound the same!! It's like they want to "borrow" daughters because they don't like their own!!
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Barbe- yep....or because I am 10 years older than her daughter, she thought she would be able to have me as her friend instead because I am in the middle of them age-wise....NOT interested in toxic people. I am polite to her when I am with my friend and stay there or we do things but really. I cannot relate to this gal....I did something because I thought she was missing her daughter and I had promised I would check in on her....but the more I find out , the less I want to see her in any way shape or form
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At least you have her "identified" Sandee. Toxis is easy to avoid once found!
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My mother told me the last time I went to see her after my stage IV dx that she would say goodbye now because she wouldn't be coming to my funeral since she doesn't travel anymore.
She lives 1000 miles away but when one of the hurricanes was coming in it didn't take her long to get her selfish ass in a car and head for Ft Worth.
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IMO when these bad mom's get old and sick and really can't travel anymore I'll bet the farm on the idea that their tone will change.... then they will want us there with them.
I'm sorry for all the buried resentment and sadness we have ... it surely can't be good for us.
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