The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Mslrg:
That is the worst. She must be incredibly -- I don't even know what!! It's too stupid to even be called insensitive.
Today I went to the PS. On the way in, waiting for the elevator, a well-dressed young lady looked me over and said, "Are you wearing that hat because you have cancer? Or did you think it was pretty?" (Her meaning being, the hat was NOT pretty, in case that was my impression).
I did not know how to respond! I had even worn make-up today! And had on nicer clothes than usual! I almost laughed, but then said, "Both". She just nodded. Then we rode up the elevator together! Too strange.
Someone please come up with a better response to store in my arsenal!!
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Oh Crystal - that is precious - not!! What can you say to that?
Magister - I do not have a response for that one. Who would tell a stranger that something they were wearing was not flattering anyway - cancer or not?? This young lady needs some manners. Maybe that's what you should have said. "Pardon me, do you alway comment on strangers choice of clothing? Are you a professional stylist, dear?" Her husband is probably named Tony too!!
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Hmm. Maybe "Does my diagnosis have any affect on your cosmetic surgery outcome?"
I often fall back on "Isn't it sad that good manners have gone so far out of style that a total stranger can ask such personal questions in public?"
If I'm feeling especially cranky I use "Why do you want to know?" or "What kind of cancer do YOU have?"
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I like - 'What kind of cancer do you have?"
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BF2009, I'm afraid I'm not sympathetic to your view here.
Yes, your situation totally out-sucks his. But put yourself in your husband's shoes. Pretend it's him living with a similar disease that stops him from doing all the things he'd normally do (make a living, mow the lawn.. whatever it is he does). You have no end to this situation in sight. You are grieving ahead of time for his eventual death and scared about how it will all be.
The caregiver in our situation has legitimate concerns, and one of them is in fact taking on most or all of the household load that we used to take care of. It's not easy doing everything, both his stuff and yours.
Unlike many partners, your husband has been brave enough to share his concerns and fears with you. He has a right to expect understanding and support for the difficulties he is facing, even though they are far less difficult than the ones you are facing.
My partner is in the same situation - he is doing everything in the house I used to do and I can see that it's an enormous load for him in addition to his usual stuff.
To help, we have cleaners who come weekly; we have a roster of friends who do things like shopping and errands. And we use the "gripe" technique.
Each person gets to gripe, in turn. Person 1 gets to say all the things on their mind, all the things that scare and bother and upset them. Person 2 simply listens, and says, "oh, really?" and "what else is there?" until the answer is "Nothing". Person 2 must NOT offer solutions, contradict person 1's feelings or belittle them. When person 1 is finished, person 2 offers sympathy, hugs, or sometimes suggest solutions, if appropriate.
Then when person 1 is done, person 2 gets to gripe, with the same rules.
It's immensely helpful to have your partner take your concerns seriously, even if you feel they are minor compared to yours.
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BF2009 hasn't logged on since Dec 30 -- hope she's okay. (((((((Hugs))))))) to BF2009
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good grief, that was totally insensitive. Fond memories?
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Speaking of people saying things about hair. A "friend" asked me if I "styled" my hair this way on purpose. and I said "yeah, it's called chemo chic." People are just so rude!!
My hair is about 1" long now and is really thin.0 -
I'm speechless and will comment tomorrow. Love you all.
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Good grief, it sounds like Tony is forming a harem.
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Magister...
Q (from strange woman while waiting for the elevator): "Are you wearing that hat because you have cancer? Or did you think it was pretty?"
A: "Actually, neither. I'm wearing it because I have a very nasty, highly contagious infection in my scalp, and my doctor told me to wear a hat to decrease the chance that it might spread to people around me."
otter
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I think I know how Flamegirl got her name. Geesh. May I introduce you to a guy called Tony?
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Moving right along....
This comment is what my ex-husband said to me when we found out I have a heart condition.
me: You need to get a vasectomy
him: No, you get your tubes tied
me: But it's dangerous for me to even have surgery! You wouldn't even have to go under general anaesthetic
him: But I might want more kids!
me: But I can't have anymore!
him: Oh, I've had all the kids I want with you, I meant someone else!
That clinched it. I left him.
The irony is that he did remarry and she didn't want to have another child so they adopted. Now he's 57 with a 7 year old! hehehehehehehehhe
Ah...life!
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Good answer Barb, I was just thinking the same thine.
I am new to this thread, and am lovin it. Maybe I'm a little different, but it's giving me both a shock and a laugh (except for the husband who thought he needed the sympathy, sure hope he's not a husband anymore), because we've all been here. I'm adding ya'll to "My Favorites"
I've only had a couple of dump things said, and I'm sure all of you have heard this one" Lucky you, you'll never have to wear a bra again." or my all time favorite, from a very well endowed co-worker, " If I lost mine, I wouldn't miss them." I wanted so badly to say, " Well I know a really good surgeon." but the only thing I could say was "Yeah you would"
God Bless you all.
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I got just what a wanted -- some classic responses that made me laugh out loud and helped heal the hurt feelings (they weren't THAT hurt, but just a little). You ladies are marvelous for the soul. Thank you.
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Night before reconstruction surgery, SIL says "it's just elective surgery you're having, if you didn't have this problem before (1st cancer dx) just think you wouldn't be doing this", me, "gotta go"
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I've had lots of dumb things said to me by extremely well-meaning people. But the dumbest of all came on a payment receipt from the hospital.
"Thank You for Your Business"
Um, hey, don't mention it.
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Oh I love that one, Otter!!
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I have been reading this thread since I am housebound after my BMX this past Monday. It has given me quite a few laughs. I have two comments that I got just this week:
In the hospital, Monday morning, before my surgery - I am gowned up, ready to go into the OR, and the nurse is taking yet another health history: do you have heart problems, asthma, diabetes, etc. And I'm saying no, no, no. So she looks at me and says "so you're pretty healthy then, huh?" So I look at her. And I'm thinking "ummmmmm, except for this breast cancer thingy, sure, I'm in great health." WTF???
And I was talking to a family member yesterday about how my recovery is going, and she says "well, I know just how you feel. I had a needle biopsy a couple of years ago because they saw something on my mammogram." Yup. A bilateral mastectomy with SNBs - just like a needle biopsy.
But hey, at least I'm not married to Tony.
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Cornellalum: I had doctors and nurses say that to me, too! WTF--EXACTLY!
My mom compared her broken wrist that healed "crooked" to my bilateral mastectomy. Yes, mother, having no boobs and doing chemo is JUST LIKE breaking a wrist and having it heal crookedly--how could I not have seen that before??
Flamegirl is messed up.
Barbe1958: No wonder he is your EX HUSBAND. What a dumbass. Karma is sweet.
Cdean1971: Your MIL is a real peach...YIKES!
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That just goes to prove........ you cant fix "STUPID."
Mslrg, But what you shoulda said to her was, "OH wow, thats a good idea, I'll take it! Where do I sign for the insurance on it? Ya know, the kind of insurance you can get on your C.C.'s or mortgage that will pay it off in FULL when I die from this?" Then lean in and whisper to her, "thats what I've been doin all week! Maxing out all my C.C.'s and lines of credit. You should come outside with me, I'll show the the most awesome Cadillac Escalade I just bought. Well, I took a loan out for it. Boy was it expensive, with the custom color, I had it painted pink to represent my Breast Cancer. My family will definitely remember me every time they drive in it! I've been buying stuff all over town and taking out the insurance on them. So when I die from this BC my family will get to keep all this great stuff, free and clear, so they wont have to pay a penny for any of it!" then add "SHHHHHHHHH!, lets just keep this between you and me, OK?!"
Then add a wink!!! ;-} and ask "is your husbands name Tony?" turn and walk away.
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The comebacks on this thread are hilarious! It's a relief for me to have someplace to say some of the horrible stuff I would like to say but am too surprised/shocked/whatever to say when I get one of those really stupid comments.
On the flip side--today a co-worker asked me what I will be doing in Boston this summer that I couldn't teach a summer session course I usually teach. I told her I was going to be having a prophy mast and bilateral recon. We chatted for a few minutes about the details. Then she looked at me and said "You've been through hell with this, haven't you?" Every once in a while someone else really does "get it" and it's really special when that happens, isn't it?
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NativeMainer - I know just how you feel. This thread is hilarious and really cathartic. It is nice when someone "get it" though. On another note I saw my son's grade school teacher at the grocery today and she said "so, are done with all this cancer stuff? I wanted to call but didn't want to bother you. Getting older is a b**ch, isn't it?" Didn't know my cancer had anything to do with my age!! And no, I'm not done!!! Just smiled and said, "oh, nice to see you, how are your boys?" Grrrr...
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I just thought of another one. I had to go in for a MUGA scan. The guy knows why I am there, and I am bald and boobless. He is getting ready to inject me with the hazmat fluid to do the scan, and he asks if I am breast feeding. I just started laughing. Somethings are funny!
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Cdean,
Too bad you didn't look him in the eye and say,"Absolutely - I had the breasts made into fillets and froze them. The kids love them saute with lemon juice and capers."
On the other hand, the PA was going through the check list on things I had to know about implants before my exchange surgery (same list is use for augmentation surgery). I had to initial each statement that I understood. Without thinking she reads the statement, " Implants may interfere with your ability to breastfeed."
She stopped, looked at me, sighed, and firmly crossed that item out and wrote N/A next to it.
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Bobcat:
It is hard to excuse that -- that's a whole string of stupidity! Not just a word, not a phrase -- a whole string of it! You were so gracious. She deserved worse!
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Yep NativeMariner, every once in awhile somebody does really get it.
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I absolutely love you guys. I once heard a definition that a 'good friend' being one who would bail you out of jail. A 'REALLY good friend' will be sitting in the pokey next to you saying, "Damn, that was fun." You are the friends I couldn't call for bail... as Barbe would say... hehehehehe.
Peace,
Beth
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