The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Cheri, I'm glad you posted that! It's happened to me twice and I thought it was just me....
When I visited a store I used to work in (I'm at a different location now) two people asked that! One was a snippy young thing (22?) who I didn't even like. She asked if I still had my nipples and I said "Nope, I go all the way down now." I must admit I pulled my top down so she could see my scar. My bad? She went absolutely dead white, turned and walked away. Hopefully she'll think twice about asking such a personal question again!
The other one who asked was a guy I admire. I gently told him that no, I didn't get to keep my nipples. He was just curious and I respected the way he asked me. He asked first if he could ask me a very personal question. It was my choice to answer.
Strangely, when I saw my sister in the summer she didn't ask. She lives in Portland, Oregon and I don't see her much. It was the first time we'd seen each other since my diagnosis. I thought she would have been curious, but nope.
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Here is one:
I had to cancel a hotel reservation due to snow. As it happens, the reservation deposit can't be refunded, but you can change the date.
So, I was speaking with the reservation person. She asked if I was celebrating anything because I opted for premium package. I told her I was celebrating the end of chemo and preceded to request a cancellation. I asked her to change the date to March. She said, " I hope you can survive that long."
OMG!
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Holy crap China!
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I just caught up on these. My goodness there are some stupid people out there.
I had a BMX with diep recon. My surgery was going to be 14-16 hours. I was asked by multiple people, prior to surgery, "Will you be out that whole time?" My response was "I hope to hell I am out the whole time - it would really suck otherwise". Every one of the people who asked me this, smiled at my response and you could see the lightbulb go off over their heads......duh, here's your sign
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Cheri2:
There is no response I can think of, other than "Yes, I'vestarting a collection, would you like to contribute?" Dear God. Why would someone ask that?
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I just love you women, I'd never be quick enough (especially on Tamox that makes me mentally fuzzy) to come up with retorts to people who deserve them. My jaw has been dropping over and over, reading these posts.
I had posted one previously about an aquaintance who asked me if I was wearing a scarf after my PBM because I was "embarassed that you don't have boobs". This same person asked me if I still had nipples - this was the first and only time I've been asked that - and I said, "No, I just have 7" scars across both sides of my chest". I told her that I had previously asked some very close friends if they wanted to see my scars (note, I DID NOT offer this to her!), and she said, "I want to see!" I discreetly pulled my collar down with one finger to where one scar started - she grabbed my collar with both hands, pulled it out and stuck her face in my shirt, and said, "Huh!"
I couldn't get away fast enough, nor do I know what to ever say to her again (and I will most certainly see her again). I've never felt so violated.
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Cheri--I've only been asked once about still having the nipple after the mastectomy--I was in a kind of irritated mood from some other crap that had been going on and in some pain from the drain so I resourted to my ususal sarcastic wit and said "Yeah, unfortunately my nipple was attached to the breast so it came off with it. Just out of curiosity where is YOUR nipple attached?" The woman (one of my mother's friends) fled, red-faced. I got the best laugh from that that I'd had for some time!
grakenmom--how dare she pull out your shirt and stick her face in! How absolutely, totally, horribly RUDE!
barbe--I'm with you, when it's my choice to answer or not the questions don't seem at all as intrusive as the idiots who seem to feel they are entitled to any info they want.
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grakenmom,
You should tell her that if she ever does anything like that again, you will have the police charge her with assault.
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OMG, Chinablue. That's so cringeworthy it made me laugh!!!
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Barbe, your sister might have been curious but too nice (And polite. And considerate etc) to ask.
Unlike my relative, she should live and be well.
Leah
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Do I just know a lot of rude people or am I THAT approachable. Yikes....
I have thought a lot about it today and I think what I will do next time (because I admittedly I didn't handle the last time well) I will just say- You know I have made a conscious decision not to talk to anyone about my nipples! Maybe that will shut them up!!!!
What do you think?
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Cheri - I like that answer. Straightforward and shut up!!
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Otter,
I am soooo thrilled to hear that actually translated. My entire family are deep "Southerners". I don't think we have a blood yankee in the family. Anyway, living in Texas now, but born in Bessemer, as was all my siblings, etc. Okay, I'm rambling, but we say "Excuse me" all the time, and I knew it was kind of sarcastic, but never knew the translation.
I'm going to have to share this with my daughter, she'll LOVE it.
Nancy
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A close gf said after hearing about my dx, " what will your husband do if you die?" I said find a gf, I suppose!
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"Everyone has to die." lol This was said by a doctor
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A close friend asked me yesterday "do you still feel your nipples get hard when it's cold, like a phantom nipple hardening sensation" I was caught completely off guard... what?!?! Why would someone even want to know the answer to that? Why do people always ask these questions when I'm trying to be "normal" and get away from the cancer for even a short time. I'm running out of people who don't make me feel horrilble.
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I had someone point and ask what my port was this weekend. I told him that my b/f implanted a microchip in me so he knows where I am all the time. The guy was stunned and kept looking at us both. His wife did correct him - she works in a hospital. I wasn't pissed off though, they were very close friends. Next time someone asks I'm going to say it's an implant from when I was abducted by aliens and see what reactions I get. Should be fun!
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konakat ~ I say that my port is a Borg implant. </Star Trek geek>
Ok, this is not* nearly as bad as the things the rest of you have posted and not even having to do with cancer, but it surely did annoy me.
I went to visit my grandmother last week. I had not seen her since Christmas, and she's always calling and saying "Come see me, come see me, please I need some company blah blah blah." While I was there, she kept insisting I was taller than before. The heck?! I'm 47; I'm pretty sure I reached my full height years ago.
She'll go on and on until you agree with her, so I finally laughed and said, "Yes, Grandmother, they cut off my breasts, and I got taller." She snapped, "Well, they sure didn't take away any of your big behind!" Wha...? I've lost my breasts and am being treated for freaking CANCER, and you feel the need to remind me I have big butt??
We've always had a personality clash due mainly to her history of saying stupid, rude and hurtful things like this for my entire life. This is not something that's new to her as she ages; she's always been this way. I said, "Thanks for that", put on my coat and walked out.
And she wonders why I don't visit her more often.
*ETA the word "not"
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Chinablue,
Maybe you should have asked her if she was sure if "she" was going to survive that long?
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Artemis: I wonder if my mother has a long-lost sister who is possibly your grandmother?? That sounds EXACTLY like something my mom would do/say. Had a phone conversation with her last Monday, and it turned ugly...I was mean and sarcastic because she drives me to it with her idiotic comments, e.g., "I'm so bored. I haven't seen you since Christmas. Why can't you come over or take me to the store? It's been a year now since your breast cancer. You must be feeling better by now! Why are you treating me like this? Your chemo ended back in August, it can't be that you don't feel well. I don't understand what's wrong with you."
Yes, the chemo is over, the surgery is done (for now), and I'm back at work. BUT, my husband just lost his job, I work full-time, I'm on Tamox and having lots of different side effects, my hair is still thin and "chemo-looking", I've got chemo-brain (but it's getting better, slowly), I've gained 20 lbs, and I'm trying to surround myself with people who don't cause me stress and anxiety.
When she came to visit me several months ago, I was upset and crying due to an allergic reaction to my chemo. She told me, "Well don't cry. Crying doesn't solve anything." She's so warm and fuzzy, isn't she? Such a comfort.
As you say--and she wonders why I don't visit more often. It's a real mystery all right.
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One of my best friends told me (and mailed me literature) saying that my breast cancer could be treated herbally. She said that the doctors only do mastectomies because they make more money than doing lumpectomies. When I told her I am treated in a military hospital where the doctors make not one dime more for doing any surgeries than if they did none at all, and that she was really terribly misinformed, she stopped corresponding with me. I had that terrible thought in my head..."I hope she gets breast cancer and finds out just how wrong she is!"
Evil, I know. Has anyone else ever had those mean thoughts?
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Artemis,
My mom was hyper critical like your grandmom. After babies, my previously flat belly became more prominent. She just had to point that out all the time. Finally, I suggested my physique was similar to hers and it was hard to fight an inherited albeit negative feature. :-) She never mentioned it again!
pam
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KorynH,
Not sure if I posted this already or not, but when I got my diagnostic, my (at the time) best friend - we were on the phone and she has one of those internet-self-made-gurus for a husband - said "oh, xxx (her husband) wants me to send you this absolutely awesome book about how to prevent breast cancer with herbs".
Needless to say that was our last conversation. Ever.
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Konakat - LOVE your responses!! Wish I had your quick wit.
Artemis and Susu - perhaps my grandmother was also related to your grandmother & mom - mean as spit to anyone in the family, but sat in the front row at church & was so kind to everyone else. No one else (outside the family) understood why we thought long and hard about ever visiting....
I've slowly come to realize that most people (even old friends) really have no idea what to say to me - but I'd almost rather they told me that, than look at me with that mixture of sadness/pity/whatever it is, because I've gotten *that* look plenty of times. At least I'm still not married to Tony..
xo, E
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I supervise 15 social workers @ work (we have a department of 130). I have to say, not one of them have ever said or done anything hurtful during my journey. My mom is dead from this horrible disease and I wish everyday she was here to talk with me about it. I probably said stupid things to her back when. I don't talk to my MIL because she doesn't get it at all. Let my DH talk to her. I have organic farmers in the family (in NY) who are all natural everything. I had the BRAC testing done and am BRAC 2 positive. My sister and her organic daughter have done nothing with that information thinking what they eat or what potion they take will protect them. I don't allow myself to worry about them. I did the right thing to have the test done (after mastecotmies and chemo) only to know and let the family know their risk. I pray the gene doesn't "turn itself on" for them, but they are making their own choices of how to deal with it. Oh well. All I can do is pray.
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susu, pj, Grakenmom ~ My sistahs! I'm sorry you have relatives like my grandmother, but it's also good to know I'm not alone. Graken, as you described, she's a wonderfully gracious lady to everyone else, yet a near constant fount of hurtful and embarrassing comments to her grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Oh, but she's just teasing! We know she's just teasing, right?! Well, I've had enough. I'm nearly 50 years old and am in this cancer battle, and I don't have to be the dutiful grandaughter anymore if I don't want to. So there. Nyah!
pj ~ I should've said the same thing to my grandmother, that my big butt came from her, haha!
Day ~ Good grief, how nice of your friends to want to help you prevent a disease you already have.
Hugs to all,
Artemis0 -
Yeah, my mom is a converted Catholic--meaning she eats, lives and breathes Mass. Except she is a miserable human being to anyone in her family. She is manipulative, demeaning, critical, and cold. But to her church friends (including the priest) she is a gem...generous, gracious, sweet, caring and funny. She has told me repeatedly that she does not care about her grandchildren, only her children (huh?? could've fooled me). My father passed away in 2008 and she never talks about him, wants to visit his grave and bring flowers, or displays any photos of him (there are literally hundreds). It's like he never existed, and they were married for nearly 64 years. When she is done with you, she's DONE apparently.
But hey, at least I'm not married to Tony....
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WendyinCalif: "Everyone has to die." lol This was said by a doctor
at least he's telling the truth! lol
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Yipes - more moms like mine! My mom told me that she didn't want to come visit us (me, the dh and the grandkids) anymore because we "talked about things that she didn't care about." Like our lives, I guess.
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My husband had always said he would support me in whatever I decided when it came down to surgery options. When I finally decided on a bi-lateral masectomy. He answered, are you sure you want to do that? How long do you plan on living anyway?
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