The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Grazie47 - That is so hysterical -- ) I am still laughing0
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Sassa -
I will remember this one when I go back to work - so funny
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Barbe1958 -
Breast cancer without breasts - oxymoron
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Barbe1958 -
Breast cancer without breasts - oxymoron
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Olivia, we don't know if it's lurking anywhere else in my body, ready to spring out and say HI!!!!!!!
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Barbe - you are so funny!! I know we all have to have some sense of humor to get through this. I just learned the microinvasions were determined invasive - I guess I will wait to see what is next.0
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Leah,
About the relative... "Srita ba-moach" we call this, right?
Yan
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Well, shame on me, this morning I feel like one Tony. A co-worker came by couple of hours ago and asked how my wife is doing. I replied and then he said: "Well, I know what you're going through." Immediately this thread came to my mind, my blood raced to my head and I shot back: "You have absolutely no idea!". And he went on and told me that his wife has Stage IV BC and fighting it for 10 years already with impressive success. They have 3 children who were young at the time of the diagnosis. He offered his support and any help that might be needed and etc. So yes, he indeed knows what we're going through.
I feel SO damn ashamed! I wanted just to vanish from there... Of course, I apologized. Should have listened to the end...
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Maybe he should have shared that with you long ago...
You did what any of us would have done.
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Leprechaun, he sounds like he understands, hopefully you can both be there for each other.
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I've said it before and I'll say it again, people say what makes THEM feel better. It is a rare person who stops to think about their words and how it will sound to the other person AND if it is helpful/meaningful in any way. Many times, we don't need any words, we just need soneone to be with us.
I guess our response back to some of these comments of say "You just keep a positive attiude" could be "Was that statement good for you because it didn't do a thing for me?
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There's a couple of thread on the "keeping positive" myth, crap, whatever. One is in the Stage IV forum, the other is in the Middle Age forum. There are some absolutely hilarious come backs in the Middle Age forum one! What burns me the most about the "keep positive" type comments is the implication that I gave myself bc by being negative. I was very positive and very happy in my life before diagnosis, and I really resent someone telling me how I should feel about bc and what it's done to me. Ahh, but I've done that rant on the other thread.
It's sad how "me" focused our society has become that people don't feel comfortable or able to just BE WITH someone having a hard time, but that they MUST say something to make themselves feel better. . .
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The phrase "keep positive" prevents you from confiding negative but real emotion. I think some use the phrase to keep from listening to the reality that anyone with suffering must confront. It is an isolating phrase that is aimed at comforting the one saying it rather than comforting the one with cancer.
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were we that rude and stupid before we had BC? I dont think so!!!!!!!!!!! I can not remember anytime in my 51 years that I let a STUPID remark come out of my mouth!!!!!!!!!!.........
OK Im not by any means perfect. I am sure I have said things not knowing and hurt someones feelings. Not plain out "here's your sign" But these are people we know.......and they know you had surgery, treatments, and STILL have Cancer''''''' It never goes away, it may be, cut off, fryed of W/radiation, or poisoned by chemo. BUT........................................... "IT" will be with you always. Cured or not we will never forget!! God how I wish we could!!
A girl stopped by last night, (I dont care for her) my SO is friends with her and her Hubby since high school. She was the last person I want to talk about this with. The guys were out side and she let herself in to "pee"!! Hi whats new, how are you feeling, you look good, tired but that is to be expected she said. You are going thru a lot. THEN she said the wrong thing...................."I know exactly what you are going thru!!!" OMG I almost killed her! She preceded to tell me about her surgery, she had her cervix removed a few months ago, (and milked that) when I was dx in Dec. she found out, well......dont you think she got all sorts of problems, anyway she had to have her uterus removed vaginaly. she kept saying with my cancer, with my cancer. She talked for 2 hrs. she kept tryn to hug me, she said it wold make me feel better to get it out to someone who could relate......... OM effing !@#$%^&*. I was screaming at her, did you or do you have to have Rad. or Chemo? No but I know exactly how you feel.................WOW. I have bad paps too, @ 6 months I go. had uterin biopsy, cervical cone treatment/biopsy, all the time it is A typical cells, yea there not good to be there, but you dont go around telling everyone you had emergency surgery and bla bla bla. she talked the hole time, never skiped a beat, never took a breath, to let me say anything. She said she came to see how I was???? she never aked, she was so bussy making like she was dying. I did before she left when she was putn on her coat look her in the face and said, "dont ever tell someone you know exactly what they are going thru, your situation was in NO WAY similar, and your DONE with it, so get off it................I am just waiting for my Dr to call with my apt to start chemo & Radiation. Then she sterted telling me she knew all that too, she knows this woman at work, and her neighbor and....... so I can understand!!!!! luckily she had to go her husband wanted to go. Call me honey Im so glad you opened up to me. I didnt tell her a !@#$% thing. Next time im locking the door..;-}
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Lock the door and let her pee in the bushes.
Leah
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Leah, I agree - let her pee anywhere but in your house.
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Oh Chainsaw, that is the most evil thing I have heard. I am so sorry and ((((((((((((HUGS))))))))) until you feel better (or different) I am not sure anymore. Most hated comment to me "you know, you have to have a great attitude to survive this." and/or "only those with a great attitude survive cancer." How the F do you know? LIKE OH? F-YOU!!!!!!!! Talk to me about attitude after one chemo and all you can do is hug the toilet! I feel like I should wear a board around my neck with 'appropriate' things to say to me. Love all of you and big hugs, SV
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SV - don't worry about me, because it doesn't bother me. I know people have my best interest at heart and they are just trying to make me feel better. When they say something that is not quite appropriate (like asking about nipples), and use humor to set the situation straight....like threatening to run around topless in their front yard..LOL!! I am not easily upset and do not react with anger, just use the situation to amuse myself :>
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One of my college students, when I told the class last year that I needed to take sick leave to have mastectomy and chemo, said to me "Oh, I don't believe in chemotherapy". WTF? As if it something you "believe" in like Santa or the tooth fairy! I wish I had said "Well, I don't believe in breast cancer, but it still got me".
How can someone (who DOESN"T have bc) say something like that to someone who does? Beyond me.
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She's dates a guy named Tony - poor coed.
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At work today a co-worker who knew about my bc and treatments told me that her 300+ pound husband who ate bad and wasn't active had a heart attack 2 weeks ago. I told her how sorry I was. She then said "Well,at least he doesn't have cancer. We can correct what's wrong with heart."
I just sat there and thought, yeah, right. He had a better chance before his HA of correcting what's wrong with him. I wanted to rant to her that my weight is good, I eat right (most of the time!), I exercise regularly and I still got bc. I would have done anything to not have bc and endure all the treatments and make my family go through it all.
I didn't say anything. I just stared at her and thought about all you ladies and the unkind, stupid things others have said to you.
Thanks for all of you sharing your stories.
Wonderland
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My good friend (or so i thought) called me "LAZY" and accused me of "milking it". She also said why can everyone else go through breast cancer and go right back to work...I couldn't believe it.. People are just cruel and have no clue at all.
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Laurie,the director of my department was talking to me once while I was going thru chemo. She was relaying a story of meeting a woman at a car dealership while they were having their cars serviced. She said the woman had bc and never missed work, etc. I stopped her right there and said "yeah, I guess she wasn't allergic to her chemo and stop breathing while they were giving it to her." That stopped her in her tracks. I really don't think she was being mean, but it felt like she was comparing experiences. I missed alot of work while on chemo.
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Yesterday, I indulged in some retail therapy. When the sales person asked if she could help find something special I said in a quiet voice yes, I just had a double mastectomy, not having reconstruction, looking for some new clothes to fit my new profile. She leaned in and whispered, "Was it cancer?" Why, no, I had them removed for the heck of it... But I whispered back yes, and she proceeded to help me find some really nice clothes.
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Day two back to half days and a co-worker said surgery and cancer are a great way to lose weight! Okay, I was not that overweight to start out - I am 5'2" and prior to surgery weighed 130, could I lose weight, yes but I would have preferred an exercise plan that would target my trouble spots, the saddle bags that just will not go away (smile)
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I had bilateral mastectomy this past December due to cancer in both breasts. Last week a pelvic ultrasound showed a 2cm solid mass in my right ovary. Surgery to remove ovary and fallopian tube is scheduled for March 8, possibly full ooph depending on what's found during surgery. I've been researching about all the horror of ovarian cancer...I told my sister how scared I am about it being cancer because I could die within 5 years. A day later she asked me where I wanted to be buried and what my funeral preferences were. How stupid and insensitive! She cried and apologized later but the physiological damage was done. I guess when dealing with cancer death and funeral topic can be a bit uncomfortable
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Erika09
I am so sorry, I had my ooph 5 years ago, it was caught very early and I am lucky. Prayers and thoughts are with you!
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Thank you Olivia!
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Oh My Gosh, "Day"--incredible. I did have one (not such a good friend) who got jealous of the attention I received. She also said, "So are they gonna cut just the one off of both?"
Another person I know heard from someone else of my mastectomy and started to howl in outrage that they "Did this to" me. She wanted to know why it was not suggested that I change my diet to reverse the cancer. I figured she has a grudge toward the medical community and let it go. After I told my boss that my path report after showed no cancer, she said, "Are they even sure you HAD cancer?" don't tell this to a woman who has just lost a breast..I had to develop patience for people, and understanding. When someone said, "I had the WORST day ever!!!" and I had spent all day at Sloan Kettering, I had to realize it's all relative.PS Having a sense of humor about the whole thing was not easy, but it helped.
I have learned to have a sense of humor myself, it has been very helpful!
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Motherdearest-I hope I wasn't as stupid before diagnosis as some of the people I've run into after. Perhaps I was, if so it wasn't deliberate. That's what I keep telling myself that when I hear a comment that hurts or just doesn't make sense. Most of the time I don't respond to the comment but to the intent, but then I just have to come here and say what I really wanted to say at the time. This thread has become my sanity! In the case of your hubby's wife, I vote with making her pee in the bushes, preferably poison ivy!
Chainsawz-using the situation to amuse yourself sounds like a great way to cope, as long as you don't get hauled off to the local looney bin!
Mbticsw01-I took leave from work while I was in treatment. I'm a nurse and I was scared that I wouldn't be able to concentrate on what I was doing if I was always thinking about what time I had to leave work to get to an appointment, and then I had complications (huge burn over my entire breast, leaking huge amounts of fluid continuously, on pain medication and anxiety medication, shouldn't have been driving but was) and had one co-worker who thought I was "over reacting" since she worked full time after her lumpectomy for DCIS. I asked her how chemo/radiation went, turns out she didn't have either. Just surgery. No comparison, I told her. She didn't believe me until I showed up at the office to sign some papers with the entire left side of my shirt soaked with drainage from the radiation burn.
Groundhog-kind of a foolish question from the sales clerk, but at least she was helpful. Still, I would have been taken aback a bit by that question, too.
Olivia218-cancer as a weight loss treatment. Hmmm. I wish it worked that way for me!
Erika09-your sister sounds like she needs a brick dropped on her head. I know those kinds of things need to be discussed with the family, but let's at least wait to find out what the diagnosis really is first! And there are much more gentle and sensitive ways to bring up the subject. Assuming she needs to be involved, that conversation may only need to be between you and your partner.
Jeaniept-You gotta love the people who still believe that cancer can be totally prevented or even cured with diet. There was a major study reported recently by the ACS that showed that a high fruit and veggie diet does not decrease the recurrence rate of bc.
http://www.aafp.org/afp/2008/0315/p842.html The JAMA reference is at the bottom of the page, I don't have a subscription and the university library internet system is down due to a power failure right now, so I can't link directly to JAMA.0
