The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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This thread is becoming my sane-place too.
I was talking with a friend earlier this week, telling her how nervous I was for my upcoming exchange surgery (I just freak out about surgeries, that's just how I am), and she says, "Well you know you have to relax, LOTS of women choose to have this surgery on purpose!" Oh, ok, that makes me feel so much better, because bc is so similar to augmentations or reductions...huh?
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{{Erika09}} - hoping and praying for the best for you. xo, E
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Hi Grakenmom, I've been reading you on EC thread and I'm so sorry about what you're going through right now! I don't post much there because I'm still new and learning, and all those ladies have so much more experience...I'm thinking of you!
Thank you for your prayers. I'm doing the same for you!
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Hi NativeMainer - BIG TIGHT HUGS FOR YOU!!!
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LOL NativeMainer !!
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I have to chime in with two comments, both from men, whom I called within an hour of my DCIS Stage 0 diagnosis. The first was "Don't freak out." He added that cancer is not a death sentence anymore, so it was half positive anyway... I called the guy I was dating (who bailed within a few weeks--sigh..) He said, "Freak out all you want right now; you have to. Then your head will be clear to deal with what's to come." I needed to freak out, and liked the permission...I had already sobbed and sobbed and found something (inanimate) to kick the s--- out of while I cried out obscenities. To be told "Don't freak out..." Please! I wanted to tell him, "You may be having one of your testicles removed..don't freak out!" Plenty of people said "You are so brave." I didn't find it offensive--I think they were just trying to imagine how they would handle it. Another woman friend said, "I don't think I could do what you're doing." (Like there was a choice.) I told her that she could if she had to, she is strong. A wonderful counselor at a hotline told me when I was first diagnosed that I would be an "Old soul" after this, and I didn't get it. But now, 8 months later, I do get it. I feel wiser and more centered. Best wishes to all who are reading this.
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Jeanie, I think why some of us don't like being told we are brave because that doesn't allow us to be not-brave. If you know what I mean.
It's almost like setting the bar too high for ourselves... 0 -
Jeanie, I think why some of us don't like being told we are brave because that doesn't allow us to be not-brave. If you know what I mean. It's almost like setting the bar too high for ourselves... 0
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I was having lunch with a few of my girlfriends. One friend who has always been a bit ditzy told me how lucky I was that I would be cured after 5 years and she would still have to take medicine for the rest of her life for her thyroid. When I tried to explain to her I would always have to worry about a recurrence and wish I had a pill I could take for the rest of my life. She actually put her hand out to shake mine and said I'll trade places with you. Some people just don't get it !!!!!!
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There's stupid and then there's really f-ing stupid. The thyroid comment was really f-ing stupid. I take a pill every day for my thyroid, big whup.
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I get the people telling stories of people they know who have cancer WORSE than I do. Like it's a contest.
Or one friend that will tell all of her cancer war stories at any possible opportunity and right now I am that opportunity. I can't get her to understand that I am a long ways away from the cancer survivor war story stuff and it just freaks me out to hear it. Also her cancer was cured over 20 years ago.
I also have the friends that got mad at me for not wanting to have a good cry with them. I said I couldn't afford it yet and had to stay focused to get through it and will cry when I feel safe. I was told that I am doing it wrong.
One guy I barely know told me how to change my diet. He has no idea how I eat.
My redneck brother said to call him when it's done. I am strong... blah blah blah
My favorite so far is this overbearing friend of a friend who cornered me and lectured me on dying and then got mad that I wasn't listening to him closely enough!
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I have a male friend at the Y who is 20 months into pancreatic cancer treatment. I know he does not have much time left. He's at the Y daily doing anything and everything his body will allow. He runs, walks, lifts, kayaks, bikes - whatever he can do. He's down to about 100 pounds. Always a smile, never a complaint and always a hug. He tells me I am his hero. NOT EVEN CLOSE. He is my hero. Today I drove past his house and he was out shoveling his driveway out from 12 inches of snow wit his wife. He does not have any children. All the people in my life who say stupid things to me - I just think of Dale and all of the joy he radiates and all that he is giving to this world. OK, I am now crying. Good night, dear ladies.
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{{{Bobcat}}}
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Bobcat, that really helps to keep things in perspective. My SIL also has pancreatic CA and is still fighting. She actually has blossomed at this time in her life. She's traveled alot and enjoying her life. Been on chemo for over a year. I have nothing to complain about.
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Perky -
You have had almost every possible rotten thing said to you and you were diagnosed only a month ago."listen to me, it is all about me! cry on demand! be strong! die right!" sheesh!!! It sounds like you are surrounded by TONYS!!
Vent here!
Julie E
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Jelson -
Big Ditto to Perky!! This is one place you can feel safe, not criticized and free to feel how you want to feel when you want to on your own schedule!!
These discussion boards have given me a great deal of peace and understanding
Olivia
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Jelson and Olivia,
And that was people I know! I can't imagine what is going to happen when everyone knows!
I also have some of the best people in the world around me. They get it. They treat me like everything is normal and listen when I want to talk and then we move on. No sad eyes, no deep cosmic understanding or discission.
It's a good lesson for me that if I ever get news like this from someone I will say I am sorry. I will listen to them. I will not lecture them on my vast knowledge on any given subject and I will not tell my experience unless asked. I will try my best to carry out their wishes of how they want it handled.
I know I am loved and cared for but I don't have the energy to make others feel better about the fact that I am terrified and while the outcome should be OK it there are a lot of hurdles and it may be a fight for the rest of my life. Seriously, with my closest friends, they want me to tell them everything and then comfort them about it at the same time. Not possible.
So that Crying on Demand (CoD) thing is real? I thought I was imagining it! There is a woman at work who is one of the nicest ladies you would ever want to meet, Occasionally she hovers over my desk with this look a little too long and I am thinking what do I need to do to make you leave? Cry! Duh!
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perky, it really isn't possible to be the comforter to your family and friends, at least not all the time. I can do it sometimes, but not often. I've been blessed with co-workers who either "get it" or support me by following my lead--listening when I feel like talking, not bringing it up when I don't. My family, on the other hand, I feel like I need to protect and comfort all the time. It's a good thing I see my co-workers more than my family most of the time!
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I don't think it's a stupid thing people say to me, but I don't really like being told I am brave. To me, being brave is doing something scary that you don't have to do. I have to do this breast cancer thing-I had no choice. I also don't feel like a "pink warrior". I'm just doing what I have to do. I do not want breast cancer to define who I am.
Mary
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Just found this thread and have a few of my own "rants" if I may. When I was 1st dx a male friend told me that "everyone's thinking about your tits"!?? Over the years all the great advice, diets, cures, etc. people feel they must give me is so tiresome. As if I'm not doing & learning everything about my needs and health. The latest (I've been stage 4 for 5 yrs now & on constant chemo), I was told by my onc nurse (who I usually love): "Nobody's going to give you sympathy looking as good as you do"!?? WTF - not looking for sympathy, just help with my side effects.
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BeckyOD--why can't the medical people just LISTEN to us when we ask for help with a symptom or side effect or pain or whatever? Do we have to look horrible to get pain control or symptom management? Yeesh!
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I agree with the "being brave" comment. What are we supposed to do? Melt on to the floor in a hysterical puddle? I got so tired of the comment about "how well you are taking this" that I finally answered someone, "well, I briefly considered running around screaming and crying at the top of my lungs, but that didn't seem very helpful, so I decided against it." He looked startled, and I felt bad for about two seconds. But he got over it.
So now it's my stock answer for that comment. At least he will think twice before saying that to anyone else. 0 -
And I know it sounds ungrateful because I know people have the best of intentions, but people have given me stuff with pink ribbons on it, like jewelry and stationery, and I just don't want to advertise the fact that I have breast cancer. I'm not private about it, I'll talk to anyone that wants to talk to me about it, I just don't want to wear the t-shirt!
Mary
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This perked me up this morning. I'm still thinking of an exchange from a few weeks ago. Was at an event, gal I know only through this activity, comes up, puts on a mournful face and says, "I just heard you have bc. What stage is it?" I told her I really didn't want to talk about it then, that I was there for the event and wanted to think about it. She proceeded to tell me that the reason she asked was that she was recently diagnosed, had a lumpectomy, was stage 0, had radiation, surgeon got good margins, etc. I ended up being polite, but afterwards asked the other gal sitting there, "what was the point in that?" Her reply, "she wanted to talk about herself."
My sister died of a brain tumor. When she was going through numerous surgeries, a friend said, "I just couldn't do that." Really?
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I went to visit my Aunt and her new husband answered the door and said- "Well.,,,,it's the cancer lady"--- WTF!!??? lol- Tami
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OMG!!! BobCat, did your "friend" divorce Tony and did he recently marry idaho's aunt????
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BeckyOD - I have to say I have not been fighting this like you but have heard the "you look good comment" about enough times. What am I supposed to look like!!!
I have to agree with the pink ribbon t-shirt. I just do not feel like advertising it. Why does it have to be who I am? and brave and strong are two words I am tired of, this is not a choice.
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The ex-wife of my nephew mouths the words "Are you all right?" with a sad look every time she sees me. It has been over two years and it does get old. I give her a bright smile and say, "Peachy keen, and you?" What ever gets that poor doof through her days.
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My first appointment with the breast surgeon I sat in the exam room looking at the paper on the exam table with pink ribbons on it for over an hour. I haven't been able to bear any of the pink stuff , especially the pink ribbon stuff, ever since. I made it very, very clear to my family and those friends that would be likely to get me pink ribbon stuff that I COULD NOT DEAL with pink ribbon stuff, or pink stuff. Thank the good Lord they all paid attention. More recently I could start telling the same people that I appreicate the show of support when/if they choose to wear pink ribbon stuff, but that I could not wear it. My cousin and her husband both wore pink ribbon caps to an annual fund raiser hockey game where they live and sent me pictures, that was actually kind of fun to see.
I AM NOT BREAST CANCER. I WILL NOT "GO PINK" AND ADVERTISE A LIE.
So there. I do have, but have not yet worn, a T-shirt that says Foxtrot, Union, Charlie, Kilo CANCER. It's green and black. This one I will wear someday. Maybe to my reconstruction surgery? Hmmm.
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Here's one I almost forgot. My sister's had a hard time figuring out how she can deal with my illness (she's very immature). After my recurrence in 03 she started sporting a yellow ribbon on the back of her car (you know support the war) but not a pink one! I say support what you want but wouldn't she want to support her sister first! I agree with NativeMainer, no pink for me, but jeez....
It is good to get these things out and to people who totally understand.
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