The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Anandagram, it's not too late to say something. A follow-up phone call to have a polite, awareness-bringing conversation with the manager might be a good follow-up. I had to do that once when confronted with others' "small talk" - I was too shocked to say anything in the moment, but did have a private word with someone in charge after the fact... and felt better for having said something. It's not to get anyone into trouble or make them feel embarrassed, but to simply let people know the impact of what otherwise might be thought of as fairly innocuous chit-chat. Just a thought
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Thanks for your suggestion, Kat. The barber is actually the owner, so I would not have to feel guilty about contatcting an employee's manager. I just may call her, especially when I recall the pleading look on my grandson's face this morning when he asked, "You are not going to give-up, are you gramma?". I assured him that I most definitely will not!
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Anandagram - I'm so sorry you, and especially sorry your grandsons had to go through that. I really don't think people mean to be thoughtless, and we all think a certain way until we're in that situation ourselves, but that does not excuse their comments. I think gentle education is always a good thing.
I also wanted to say I'm so unbelievably impressed at what amazing young men your grandsons are, and their devotion to you is wonderfully touching.
Misty-eyed purrs,
Jenn
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....on second thought, I am better at expressing myself in letters, so I am going to write the barber a nice "awareness-sensitivity" letter. Maybe I can save another survivor and their family from hearing a depressing conversation at her shop! Thanks, again, Kat. I feel better already!
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Hello to all - I know I should not jinx myself, but just want to share....noone has said anything dumb to me yet today! Yea! I do, however, have to go inside the elementary school to pick up my grandson from "Homework Haven", and I do have to get milk at the local convenience store....we will see how it goes....lol.
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Generally, people do not say anything dumb to me...mostly because I hred them all for their sensitivity(lol)...interestingly enough, people have asked me point blank what having a heart attack felt like ...but no one has asked me what having breast cancer felt like or feels like...I have noticed lately that I am telling people more.(I too avoided talking to ANYONE in the waiting room last November/December during radiation..not me...I am NOT one of these people....this wil be over soooooon, I told myself)...told the salesclerk in my favourite store because I was trying things on and Ifelt the snugness of the dress emphasized my lopsidedness...she couldn't understand why I wasn't thrilled about how well it fit...bless her for not doing a double take when I said ' I had breast cancer and a lumpectomy last fall and I am now lopsided so I try to dress in patterns and de-emphasize"...she then tried to find me some styles that camaflouged and enhanced ! Maybe the key is to say something first....maybe it is jus the stage I am in at the moment...shock and awe...
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Sandee, I find it helps if I say something like that in a very matter of fact tone of voice. It seems to reassure them that it's OK to discuss and we can then have nicer session once they know what I want and why. I also pick tops with details, a ruffle or two, some lace, a nice print... It really does camouflage the lack of boobage! LOL
catqueen, maybe you could have told the one who thought that deodorant causes BC (the hell ?!) "Oh, well that certainly explains a lot!" And then smile sweetly.
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I would have asked her if SHE used deodorant!!!
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I continue to wear t-shirts and no one stares at me or says anything rude or stupid. Maybe I just look scary like I might bite their heads off!
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Barbe, that's what I was implying (that she didn't), but said in a way that may take a little while to sink in, and by then you're gone on your way.
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I still enjoy reading what stupid things others have said.
Sandee, Did you know that you can get a 'filler prosthetic boob' to even out the unevenness from the lumpectomy? After my first lumpectomy that left my boobs 2 cup size different (A on the left and C on the right) I had resigned myself to wearing sports bras. When I went back to my doctor 6 months later he asked me if I was having problems finding bras to fit. He wrote me a script to take to the mastectomy products store and I got two 'filler boobs' that looked like a chicken breast cutlet and several bras with pockets to put them in. My insurance paid for them. then when I was going through my bilat mast, I used the boobs to help fill out my chest during reconstruction.
Sheila
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Hey Sheila --- good to see you again! I think we met up on the Crafts thread which seems to have gone dormant!
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Oh my goodness - I did jinx myself by going to the local convenience store last night (re: my post of yesterday....). For the first time ever, since being diagnosed, I spoke my mind and could barely stop myself once I got started (lol). A couple, who practically live at the local convenience store, continuously scratch lottery tickets and bum cigarettes and coffee, made the error of bothering me last night! The woman came way too close to me, blocking my entrance to the store, and asked if I would get mad if she asked me a question. I told her I did not know if I would or not. I tried ot go around her, but she moved to block me again. I then asked her what she wanted. She asked if I had a cigarette.
I guess everything I have been holding inside came out - I stomped my foot and stated, "Cigarette! Are you kidding? I have cancer - I would never think of smoking and resent all the inconsiderate family and friends who submitted me to their second-hand smoke. I am mad at myself for not telling them, but I will tell you that I am sick of having to walk through your smoke to get into the store. I am sick of your continuous mooching, when I have to worry about having enough gas money to get to radiation - Cigarette? Don't ever ask me for anything ever again!".
I probably said more I do not remember - Quite a large audience had gathered by the time I finished. I had a wonderful day with my grandchildren today and did not go near a store.
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Good for you!
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Andanagram - good for you! What a great rant
When first diagnosed, I nearly went off on someone in the parking lot of a grocery store, puffing away and blowing smoke in my direction. I barely contained myself.0 -
I haven't posted before but I hope you'll let me leave this little gem here so I won't have to carry it around. My SIL is known for her insensitivity. After not seeing her and my brother for several months (during which time I had dx, surgery, infection and radiation) I went to visit them. It was only a week or so after rads, and I worked really hard to look good. You know, I did my hair and make up, and dressed carefully so I wouldn't scare my brother. At the end of the evening she looked at my face, pointed to an age spot and said "you should have that looked at, it looks like it could be cancer." I am sorry to say I had no words.
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Anandagram.....sounds like me losing it last nov. on my boss..he wanted to chastise me for not being clear enough with a schedule when I asked him if he was goign to give me a contract...and I LOST it on him....told him how tired I was of everything, that I was on my way to a radiation reatment and if he didn;t want to give me a contrac fine...I didn't bloody well care...wowo....felt godod..still don't feel guilty about it, amazingly enough....I don' remember half of what I said (nor half of what I said when I quit my director job two months ago)....just know I said something that needed outing!GOOD FOR YOU!!! Strong woman!
SAB- seriously??? good grief...
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That is a toxic person and you should stay far, far away from her! Talk about "open mouth, insert foot."
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I got a comment during my pre-op appointment for recent sinus surgery that fits here. I have my medical/surgical history printed out and keep it up to date. With all the breast cancer treatment complication stuff it runs to 5 pages, most in small print (dates of mammograms, biopses, proecdures, culture reports, med changes, test reports, etc). The majority of it is surgical and so applicable to the procedure I just had, since it was done under general anesthesia. The Pre-Op nurse made a couple copies, gave one to the secretary to add to my permanent hospital record along with my Advance Directives. The secretary glances over it and says, "Wow, with all that going through surgery must be a breeze for you!" As I was sitting there in the office in tears trying to talk about all the bad things that have happened and my fears. The look on the Pre Op nurse's face was priceless, she was sooooo unhappy about that comment. She turned to the anesthesiologist and asked "which one of us is going to talk to her?" At least the stupid statement was recognized by someone who cared!
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Wow, NM, there's a big difference between us making a joke like that and somebody else - a stranger, to boot - making a remark like that. It's a very good thing that comment was caught immediately and addressed.
Back during rads, they lightly taped the bolus gel pad in place. Apparently my hair was growing back faster than I thought, because one time the tape tugged a little on my arm hair, but didn't really hurt. The tech was mortified, apologizing profusely. I cracked the joke that after all I'd been through, a little pulled hair was no biggie. I was trying to put him at ease and reassure him it wasn't a big deal. But it would have been very different if that had happened and he'd made light of it.
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Hello to all - I am so glad it is Sunday! No rads - yea. No two-hour round trip to a city I do not like. I plan to spend the day in my warm little cabin - cooking and playing with my grandson. If I do not leave my home, I will not have any comments to post on this thread today - Yea. 'Best wishes to all for a relaxing, dumb-comment-free day.
Sher
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Then it's been a good day, Sher. Congrats!
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Hello to all - This one is not really a dumb comment, just a misunderstanding that I could not clear up - just wanted to share...it is kind-of funny, in a way....
I realize that my onc rad nurse was trying to be helpful, but....She asked me if I was having any pain from rads. I know better than to complain about anything from rads as symptoms are usually fluffed off and I get perturbed, but I decided to complain, anyway - duh to me!! I told her that I am very protective of my left breast as it is very tender - If pets or grandchildren come running towards me for affection, I often have to stop them in their tracks before they jump on me. She immediately went into the sympathetic, soft, patronizing voice that she turns on and off at will - She asked if I was having physical contact issues due to emotional stress. She asked if I had a husband or boyfriend, and if so, were we having physical contact issues. She continued to say that often men have a difficult time looking at their partners surgery/rad sight, or touching it....and on and on and on about an issue I did not address with her.
At first I was kind and explained that there was a misunderstanding - I am having physical, physical contact issues because it hurts - not because I do not want to be touched. She still did not get it and asked if I was sure I did not want to see the nurse who specializes in "that area". I then was not so nice and told her nevermind, I am fine.
Next Monday, when I have weekly eval, I will not complain, even if my chest is caving in! lol
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I know what you mean ... my cousin's little boy (whom I love dearly) used to practically knock me over greeting me - after the mastectomies I had to tell him "gently, gently," Now he very gently comes up and slips his arms around me in greeting. His cousin has always done that - she's 2-1/ 2 years younger. Both her brother and his sister are at that age that if you get any affection you're lucky. You have to use reverse psycology on both of them.
It seems as though you had a valid complaint - like you I Am at a loss as to how the conversation took a turn into intimacy issues.
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Kathleen - I should have stood up and given the nurse a big hug! lol
Sher
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This is a good one! Read all the way to the end and the forward to 10 friends and something good will happen...ha ha just kidding.
I had just started telling family and friends last Thursday and received a text message from an extended family member that was clearly a copy and paste message from a chain email saying:
"FWD: READ TILL THE END! It's adorable I sent an angel to watch over you last night but it came back....and said angels don't watch over other angels......" blah blah and to "send it to 10 friends and I will receive a quiet surprise from someone I love and God has seen me struggling with something,...." blah blah "Don't ignore this, you are being tested. God is going to fix two things (BIG) tonight..." blah blah.....
Seriously, I have never liked chain letters, but to send this to me on the night I'm diagnosed saying basically I have to send a freakin chain email to a bunch of friends and God will do something nice for me.... I will never look at this person the same way. I think this one wins the Dumbest Things People Said award!
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That is too demented.
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Hmm... maybe we should make an award like that... you kow, like the Darwin awards?
How should we name it?
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Darn those chain letters! How awful. So sorry. Yep, that is definitely a dumb comment winner.(On another note - I grew up in Silver Spring MD - I miss the winters - I live in the Adirondacks now - beautiful, but cold! I miss Merriweather Post Pavilion - I saw Linda Rondstatt there in the 70's....what a happy, carefree time that was!)
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...sorry for rambling-on about MD - Likeachicka will know what I mean...
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