The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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I was doing just great...managing fine....minimal stress, then a well meaning friend decided she was going to "manage" my disease and tell me what I should be doing. I told her that I had already made up my mind about my treatment options, after endless hours of research to back up my decisions, to which she replied as though I were a child..."we're not going to talk about that right now...we'll talk later when you've processed it all". WTF! Process this!
I was proud of the control I exhibited...now I know why her DD didn't want her along on her dr. app't!
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Kaara, that is so awful it is actually kind of funny.
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Kaara, that "thunk" you just heard was my jaw hitting the floor. Your friend takes "well-meaning but clueless" to a whole new level.
Leah
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Hi, I'm new to the site and was reading some of the things you all are saying about inconsiderate people. I am going through this a second time. First diagnosis was in March of 2001, lumpectomy, chemo, radiation, and a divorce!! I had friends that disappeared and disappointed, didn't really say anything to me that was rude, just told me that they couldn't be there for me because I was always the strong one and it was too hard to watch me suffer. Which I guess was rude, but at the time, I was fine, I don't need you around me anyway if you are going to be like that. I wasn't suffering, I just wanted close friends to talk to me about my disease, my fears, etc. But that didn't happen.
However, my husband at the time, who was always verbally and mentally abusive to begin with, became horrible at this time. Again, someone that looked to me to hold things together, but now I was sick,and he didn't know how to handle that so all his ugliness came out.
First time it was bad was when I began to lose my hair. His sister is a hairdresser, she said when it's time we will invite everyone over and do a head shaving party. Or you had to get at least 2 inches cut off your hair. So I of course was first, and she shaved me to the GIJane look, the rest would fall out later, but I thought, Dang, I have a pretty nice shaped head, I can do this look with style!!! My ex walked in the room and said, OMG you look like an alien. He meant or tried to say he meant that I looked like Sigourney Weaver from Aliens but that is not what he said, and everyone jumped on him. But that still is not the worst.
I filed for divorce after my third treatment for chemo. I had about 2 hours a day that I was able to get things done. I would drive the kids to school, run my errands, and then sleep till I had to pick them up. So I went to the bank to get money to go grocery shopping and there was no money, it should have been direct deposited. I came home, called the ex at work, and asked what he did. He said he cancelled direct deposit. I said why would you do that, I need to get groceries. He said, "I stopped it because you are spending MY money and I decided that since you were going to die anyway, you didn't need money!" He really said that. I got off the phone, got the phone book and looked up lawyers for women!! Found the best one in the Detroit area and called my dad for the money to pay him, saw him the next day and my ex was served at work two days after that!!!! I wanted him served at work because he used me as an excuse to take off work, but it was his sister or my parents that took me to chemo. It was my 16 year old daughter that was holding my hair back while I threw up. I wanted them to know what a piece of crap he was.
I have not been happier!!! Now I am 10 years later going through this again, and my life outlook is better because I have surrounded myself with very supportive and positive people. Double masectomy, with immediate reconstruction, and herceptin treatments only. I'm ready for my new life with the boobs I have always wanted, as my other ones were defective only. My daughter bought the tank top for Christmas that says "Yes they're fake, my real ones tried to kill me" and I am going to wear it proudly!!!! Doing this a second time has humbled me, but has not taken the fight from me. I will beat this thing called cancer again, and you know, I learned how from the strength I gained living with the rude person the first time.
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In our small town, there's a woman who shaves her head for no apparent reason other than to get attention. Sometimes she wears a scarf on her head. Those who don't know her feel bad because they think she's lost her hair due to cancer treatment. She works in the same school I do.
I began the school year in August without my wig. My hair was just starting to come back. Everyone at school knew I had bc.
One co-worker asked me: "Did your hair fall out, or did you just cut it short like that?" This really pissed me off. What she was sublty saying is, Did you cut your hair like that for attention, like the other woman at work does? She KNEW I had bc. It's like she was accusing me of trying to get sympathy by cutting my hair. She was insinuating that I was odd like the other woman who NEVER had bc.
I really never forgave the co-worker for the comment.
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I was always known as the strong one but I really don't know how you ladies survive it - not the cancer, the idiots around you!
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kmccraw, one good side effect of the cancer is that I have become quite good at deaing mostly with people I like and enjoy and not waste my time on the rest.
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I actually worked with a woman last year, she was on my team, as I am a teacher, and she said she had breast cancer. I was very supportive in the beginning, as she came to me and talked to me because she knew I had been through it before. But then things started not adding up. She didn't have the biopsy, core or otherwise. She has no surgery to remove it. She said she was going through chemotherapy, yet had no port inserted or lost her hair, or any of the other signs of chemo. No radiation. I asked what grade and stage, and she never said, just that it was found early. Then one morning she called another teammate and said she was going to be late because she was called to go to her doctor for an emergency chemotherapy session!!!!! Now this is something I had never heard of, and the teacher she called asked me about it, couldn't find anything about it. And then miraculously after 3 chemotherapy sessions, she was cured. I was so done with this teacher! Even though she was on my team, I avoided her. I was so mad at her for lying about something that was so tramatic in my life and the lives of my children and parents. I think after what everyone has seen me going through this year, they know she was lying about it. Karma as they say will bite you in the butt everytime!!!!
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That's a first for me...hearing that someone pretended to have BC !!!!!!!
My best after my mastectomy was a nurse of all people who said:
"You should have just had them both off and forgotten about it."
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riley, no, She knew I wouldn't come to her as she didn't get any insurance. She also knew that I was inquiring for an out-of-pocket facial lift to do with her - which wouldn't happen. I was there for a 2nd opinion consult on how do fix certain things and maybe have her recommend someone else besides my present PS. She didn't even touch me, she was very evasive and avoided saying anything, besides "yes that can happen", never gave any suggestion and the tone of voice she said the "I've seen worse" kind of said "mine dont' come out this good" (hard to explain, you should have been there to pick that).
Barbe - how did you know? that is EXACTLY what I told her! lol
Momine - that's funny. I had an "acquaintance" telling me that, and I said "well yea, for some women it's really hard to lose their breasts as they don't have much of anything else attractive. You probably wouldnt' be able to deal with such a loss". You should have seen her face and the way she darted without even saying "good-bye".
Kaara, I had many of those, and I always tell them "when you will have BC, take the decisions you wish. I am an adult woman with no disabilities, so trust me, I can make my own decisions, and I probably know a little bit more when it comes to it than you do".
I know. I'm not nice. I'm not that depressed BC survivor who needs pity. I was told that someone actually said about me "how can you feel sorry for her, she's the same as before and doesn't seem to need anyone's help or sympathy". Excuse me?
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pretending to have BC? what an idiot.
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Cat, I was shocked when I started to put the pieces together or lack there of. And I have to say, had I known 10 years later that I'd be doing this again, I wish I would have done both the first time! Especially since the surgeon had taken so much breast tissue with the lumpectomy that he left me basically with 1/2 a breast. I will come out of this with a new body and finally boobs that are even!
I just try now to surround myself with positive, happy, supportive people. It seems that negativity and stress are my triggers and I don't want to do this a third time.
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Yikes! Bad, bad, bad karma. Its also really sad that someone's life is so vacant that they pretend to have b c.
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Day, that made me chuckle. I think I need some lessons from you.
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It's sad that you all have such morons around you, but I have to say it's really fun reading, and I am collecting some great answers for possible dumb comments in the future. So far, I have been lucky – people have been nice, if sometimes a bit over-protective.
Day – wonderful answers!
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Has anyone been told not to worry about a cancer recurrence because you could always be hit by a bus? First of all, how many people do you know who have been hit by a bus? Second, they are not mutually exclusive. I could have a recurrence and still be hit by a bus. Thirid, is getting hit by a bus really a better alternative to cancer anyway?
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There must be some sort of forum for people with her type of mental health condition - perhaps we should all send her the link to it
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I have a friend who works for the CDC and his job is to compile statistics on accidental causes of death. He basically gave me the "statistically you have a chance of being killed in a car wreck, as much die from breast cancer" speech. I know he thought he was being helpful in sharing that with me, but still??
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Hi ladies, just stumbled across this thread and need to weigh in.
My two most memorable comments so far were: at lunch with a work friend. Told her I had BC. She replied, "Oh my God, I don't know how much more I can take!". Really? So sorry to add to YOUR burden.
Second one is the wig lady. Went to the wig store the day I decided I would do chemo. This woman, some sort of cancer survivor from like 30 yrs ago, repeatedly (like every other phrase) warned me that my complexion would go "pasty gray" and look "like death" so I should get a darker colored wig to help fight off the "pasty gray" that I would look after chemo when I looked "like death". Best revenge I can think of is to open a wig shop near her and steal all her customers.....
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I also met someone who pretended to have BC. Thank goodness I only had to spend 3 hours with her. She contradicted herself so many times in the first hour. I met her at a one-time art therapy class that was being held at a Hope Lodge I was staying at. I discovered that she follows the art therapist from one location to the next. How sad that is all she has to do.
Elizabeth - noone mentioned being hit by a bus, but my EX-not-so-significant-other said, "Oh well, we all have to die sometime". That was just one in many insensitive comments that lead to him being the EX!
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holy cow! "We all have to die sometime." I would have said "you first!"
So far my worst was from my stupid brother who kindly reminded me that when our mother had chemo (for lymphoma) she was very sick and had seizures. He was worried about what he should do, I guess. I calmly told him that I didn't plan on seizures and then flipped him off when he left the room. I felt better!
Phyllis
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Good response, Phyllis - darn, wish I had thought of it! (I see that we share the triple-negative status...)
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Pretending to have BC--that's a new all-time low. Wow.
As for the "car accident" comments--I didn't know 30% of the population died in car crashes ; ). Because that's how many BC patients succomb to the disease.
It's really not fair when people act as though they can understand when in fact they have no idea...whatsoever. If I had a dime for every "you are more likely to die of something else..." I'd be a wealthy lady!
Here's one: people who haven't been in touch for a long time, "How's your health?" I'd love to reply, "Well, you'd know if you'd been in touch." But why the heck would I want to talk to talk about a sensitive topic when ya bailed?
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im still here lurking.. and i can't believe it all just continues.. glad to see you all; and welcome to the nrwbies...3jays0
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Elizabeth1889 wrote:
"Has anyone been told not to worry about a cancer recurrence because you could always be hit by a bus? First of all, how many people do you know who have been hit by a bus?"
Ha, ha, Good point, Elizabeth! I don't know anyone who got hit by a bus however I know many women who've dealt with bc.
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To all those who have to put up with idiots!
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The bus comment really really really pisses me off.
How stupid is that?
I recently got a chemical peel to help erase the dark spots that chemo/instant menopause caused. I was telling the aestitician my story and how upset the spots made me. Her comment was "at least you are alive...". Aaaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!!!! Only non-breast cancer women are allowed to worry about their appearance????? I think that I'm handling things pretty well considering I have a whole new body/ hair!!!! I want to erase age spots - big f-ing deal!!!! My bc friend once told me "Brandy you can be happy that you are alive and pissed off that chemo made you fat - at the same time!"0 -
Brandy, these kinds of responses are so common, and they just reflect how little people understand the reality of the situation. And, yes, I'm afraid the old stereotypes remain intact: "you look great" is really code in some cases for "I expected you to be green and drawn". Your friend's comment is A+++!
Breast cancer taught me that a lot of the world still deals with women one-dimensionally. The idea that breast cancer is a life and death situation that also impacts things as important as self-worth and sexuality seems more than most people and the medical profession can handle. Things are changing, but it's slow, and I've renewed my commitment to womens' lib as a result.
The fact is, no one gets out of this life alive. And so, those that can't deal well when others have illness probably won't fare so well once it comes knocking on their door. To me, that just makes me sad for them. I'm so happy I'm the kind of person I am: I face things head on, roll my sleeves up in a time of need.
I had a cousin who completely bailed and posted all over her FB page that she was having fun in the sun in my city right as I was going into chemo. Never called. Long story short: I am very proud of myself--she's coming to visit my family, and I told my parents I'm not angry, but I do not want contact. They organized so I can avoid her. A small win, but it feels so good. Once you start doing what is good for you, it is so very satisfying.
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I am always amazed at how amazed people seem to be when they see me and say "gee. you look good/great!"....ok...thanks?..so how do I normally look? Did I look horrid before breast cancer? They don't greet each other with "you look great"...they hug and say HI! or How are you? (meaning...HI)...I look the same as I did pre-cancer/heart attack. It is in the morning when my curly hair is sticking up on top that people should be questioning what I look like:)
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for all the "bu
s" comments... just see how THEY would like being hit by one.....3jays 0
