The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Barb - I just love your reply.
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I'm just glad people talk to me - I'm not cataloging their comments for levels of stupidity.
Most people mean well and don't know what to say. I probably wouldn't have been perfect myself if it was a friend of mine dx'd.
The exception goes to the woman whose husband wants sympathy because "his wife" has cancer. That's almost divorce-worthy.
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No I don't see it as a necessity to tell people that my mother died of breast cancer (she actually died from melanoma but was a breast cancer survivor). I don't find it a necessity to tell people that either, or mention my own cancer for that matter.
It was the "mum or whoever" remark that I thought was offensive. whoever??
I don't bring up my mother's death when people talk about any type of cancer, or rarely my own breast cancer.
I am just saying that if someone says something insensitive as a result of grieving for a relative who died of cancer perhaps you could just cut them some slack rather than just thinking it is all about you and your experience.
One could equally say that it is insensitive to go around telling people about your cancer and ruining their day.
I don't actually think that, but I am offering that up as an equally riduculous assertion to the one that people who mention the loss of their mother are being insensitive.
There is a sign up at my local hospital which says "Be kind because everyone is fighting some sort of battle."
That is the crux of my message. Being a cancer patient sucks, but other people do have their problems.
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Sandy, I really think you misinterpreted the "whoever." It was in parentheses, I'm sure it simply meant "mum (aunt, sister, grandmother, mother-in-law, best friend who left behind two little children...)"
I'm sure it wasn't meant the way teenagers say "whatever" when they indicate boredom...
I'm sure it was simply meant to express that it's distressing to be told of someone who had BC and died... and perhaps ESPECIALLY distressing when you're being told by someone who is obviously still suffering the loss of their "mum (aunt, sister, grandmother, mother-in-law, best friend who left behind two little children...)"
I have to say, when I told one of my sisters (who lives kind of far away) of my diagnosis over the phone, she burst into tears and got off rather quickly. I was shaken -- not what I needed! -- fortunately I have a bunch of sisters, and when I asked another one about that reaction she explained that the first sister had lost a best friend some years earlier (a woman around 40 who left behind 2 young children) to BC... So I totally empathize with my sister -- really understand her deep feelings of loss -- AND I really love that she's who she is -- her emotions overwhelmed her, understandably -- but she is such a lovely person that she would NOT say "my best friend died of that" when someone else is telling her they have just been diagnosed with breast cancer.
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My girlfriend knew I just had a chemo infusion, mentioned her daughter has H1N1, then asked if I wanted to meet for lunch. Ahhhh, no, I'm a wee bit germ phobic at the moment.
One that totally blew me away (same girlfriend) is that she asked me if I thought my life would have been different if I hadn't moved to Boston. Well, I'd probably have a different b/f... She said, maybe I wouldn't have gotten cancer. Huh? I told her the cancer was probably percolating for years and it was just co-incidence. Now, that was stupid! Yah, because I stopped rooting for the Ottawa Senators and started rooting for the Bruins was the cause of the whole thing. Geesh!!
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Elizabeth......... OMG!!!! If rooting for the Bruins caused your diagnosis.....does this mean that mine was caused from being a major Red Sox fan??????? Who knew!!!!!!!
Pat
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1. One co-worker told me SHE could never get breast cancer since she was never on the pill and her periods are normal.
2. A friend who at first was very supportive told me she figured out a formula for my death based on her relative who died of BC (I have 12 years left)
If you don't know what to say don't say anything!!!
Wendy
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Wendy- Your last sentence is so true imo !
When I was first diagnosed a friend said she could relate as to how devastated I must be as that was how she felt when she had to have some teeth pulled the Summer before!!!!!! (WTF)
Pat
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A friend of chris's ( my partner stage4 at the time) told her hope the spots on your pet scan are cancer and not arthritis because arthritis can't be cured, cancer can. When she told me that I just said what a stupid fker.
cyn
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Some friends from my church small group bought me a massage to help me relax before my bilat mx surgery. A very sweet gesture. They had paid for it and told me to just go to the place and get it. The massage therapist knew that I was having BC surgery and just when she was about to start the massage she asked ..."So did they catch it in time?" I just stared at her calmly and said "In time for what?" She just said never mind and started the massage - but the whole time I was fuming and tense and wondering if they did indeed "get it in time!" You would think a touchy feely massage person would know better than to ask a question like that. When I left she gave me a stack of her cards to hand out..I put them right in the trash can outside her door!
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Last year at our friend's Christmas Party, an aquaintance of ours asked me if I knew how "lucky" I was. She obviously thought that since I had breast cancer and had survived it meant I was lucky; unlike her husband who died 4 or 5 years ago from esophogeal cancer.
In my head I was thinking "Yeah I'm real lucky, having stage III ovarian cancer 7 years ago then getting stage III breast cancer 5 years later and then losing both my breasts. Lucky me!!!"
What I said was "Oh yes I DO know how lucky I am. I had the lymph nodes behind the breastbone involved and they couldn't operate on them. The doctor said I was a late stage III and possibly stage IV. I know how very lucky I am to even be here."
That sure shut her up. I could tell by the look on her face she had no idea. I'm going to the same party today even though I really don't want to. I may just spew if anyone gets out of line!
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This has been going on a long time- 30+ years ago my EX (just before I walked) said "well- your mother only has one TIT"- it was so stupid, so basic in brain function and so mean that all I could do was laugh histerically- You should have seen the look on his face- stupid looked dumfounded!
Later, years after I had left him, he showed up at the hospital that she was dying in (not fromBC!)- again his actions were so stupid- I mean selfish, as believe me my mom had nothing to say to the genius. Well, I married him- and I LEFT HIM!
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Well, Melissa: I am sooo glad you left this guy. What was he doing in your life, in the first place...
And Barbe, you wrote this:
I wasn't given chemo or rads or hormones or any treatment but surgery. My surgeon told me to "save the big guns for next time"! Doi!
Weeeell, I seem to have another way of seeing this statement from your surgeon: you are in good shape and not in need of any brutal treatment, but being a breast cancer survivor is a testament to how wrong things can go in life, at the most unexpected time......So, I tend to feel respect for a Doctor who is honest enough to say: "...You don't need that stuff now, and who knows, it might help you some day, if you don't needlessly use it up immediately".......
..... As opposed to wacking all of us with everything they can lay their fingers on, in total disregard for the toxicity, side-effects, and questionnable benefits......
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Yasmin, I didn't mind dodging the chemo and rads bullet. My comment was made in respect to the fact that he is anticipating me getting cancer again!
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Don't ya just love that kind of optimism?
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Yep, and thus the Doi! 0
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Ahhh...the old "foot in mouth" problem. As a hair stylist, I get to hear a lot of peoples opinions about many topics and I am rarely surprised anymore when one person is devastated because no one is asking about or involved with, __________(fill in the blank). Then the next person is pissed because people can't seem to mind their own business!
I hear from new moms that wish their mother would "just stop meddling", and others that think "mom" is not involved enough. I've learned to be very diplomatic in my responses......YOU NEVER REALLY KNOW WHAT THE OTHER PERSON WANTS TO HEAR.
The same goes for dealing with disease.....It puts people at "dis-ease". My friend lost her son in a car accident this fall and during the service she leaned over to me and said, "If one more person tells me how sorry they are, I will run from the room screaming." Well of course they're sorry, but what do you say.............
I suppose the bottom line here is that we all wish we had the perfect thing to say in a rotten situation, but unless you can read the mind of who you're talking to, it's unlikely that your words will be the right words, even if you can relate from your own personal experience.
Dumb is dumb and some people just have no excuse for the ignorant things they say. I had a guy at a party who didn't know me at all, ask if I was undergoing a sex change operation........what?.......(I don't use foobs to make me look like I still have boobs and my hair was just getting long enough from chemo that I no longer looked like a cancer patient). I was so shocked that a total stranger would have the gumption to ask something so personal, and I didn't have a ready come-back so I just shook my head and walked away. In the car on the ride home of course all sorts of witty lines were coursing through my head. I wished I had said, "yes, I am having a sex change operation....want to donate your dick?".........
I think going through this process has taught me to be patient with people because even the ones I love the most have said the most insensitive things. They just don't know. But all of you do! And that's why we all come here. We know we can say what we want and there will be a shared sense of understanding. To all of you, cheers to a new year with less suffering. Peace, Mary
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You should have said "Too bad you don't have a dick to donate."
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Ouch!
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LMAO!!!!
My favorite dumb statement came from a friend of my mother's. I had been staying at my mom's for several months while struggling with breast abcesses, IV antibiotics, daily hyperbaric treatments and wound packings, and pain from over-radiation; the freind lived next door. I spent 3 months begging for a mastectomy to stop the pain. After I (finally) had the mastectomy, when I was finally free from pain for the first time in a year or more, the freind's comment was "I'm surprised you have such a good attitude about losing your breast." Yeah, I'm going to regret losing a body part that has brought be nothing but pain and misery for over a year. . . I knw she meant well, and I never said anything to anyone else about how stupid that statement sounded to me. Like it would be more important to keep the boob and suffer the pain, run around with open draining wounds and on IV antibiotics for the rest of my life.
The other comment I get often and am sick of, is "Wow, the surgeon did a good job, I can't tell which breast you had removed!" While it's nice to know the prosthesis, uncomfortable as it is, looks "normal" I'm so sick of hearing how surprised people are that I don;t go out in public looking like a freak.
I can't wait for reconstruction!
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I'm contemplating changing the person who cuts my hair. She's been doing it for 10 yrs, just thinking about it makes me feel like I'm losing a friend. She's always been opinionated, and I know she's lost other clients for being strong willed and for the things she's said before, and I've been able to blow off a lot over the years, but, a couple of weeks ago she may have crossed over the line with me. I hate my growing in the hair from chemo stage. Its a reminder every time I look in the mirror. It has always been curly, but is REALLY curly now. The first time I went in for a cut she started singing "the sun will come out tomorrow" I prefered to laugh it off, I could see where someone could see the Shirley Temple look, but we've talked about how much I hate it and how slow its growing and how much of a reminder it is. She knows it is a sensitive topic. The eyelashes and brows are growing back, but slowly and not as thick as before so they look lighter then before. The last time in two weeks ago the whole time she cut my hair she went on an on about how terrible the color is, it is too dark the brows too light, it just looks terrible on me. I left there with the worst hair cut she's every given me and feeling just terrible about myslef. Oh yeah, and complained that I had put on a smock (like I have every time in there the last 10 years) because my hair wasn't long enough to need to use one. Stopped to think about it, and thought, I'm not paying $100 to feel bad about myself. It is just plain mean to make fun of the hair growing in on a post chemo person. Just mean. I'm looking for a new hair dresser now.
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awww, kmmd, that is just plain cruel. My hair dresser and I have a great relationship. When I knew I would get chemo, she gave me a very short hair cut that was as good, if not better than my usual short hair. When it grew back, she almost screamed and hugged me and said welcome back.
I had not had a hair cut in too long and thought I might just get a trim and let it grow a bit more. When I asked, and I really did want to know, she and everyone else in the place said I did not look that good with the longer hair. So, off with the long and back to short. At least a dozen acquaintances said I look MAH vee lus with it shorter, so I know she was right. And so much easier to take care of.
I am going to start a "Bill of Rights" for BC gals: You have the RIGHT to feel good about yourself. You have the RIGHT to tell others that their opinions are not welcome unless you ask. You have the RIGHT to do what is good FOR you and TO yourself.
Hugs for all, Nancy
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Amen, Lefty!
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That is just plain CRUEL, not even unkind...all the way to cruel! I agree about dumping her. Don't even give her an excuse to say "Oh, but you've always had a warped sense of humour, I thought you understood"...kind of crap.
What you do is write her a letter and mail it. Without an return address. And don't follow-up. She has to know when to draw the line with clients. Especially vulnerable ones.
Keep us posted on what you do decide. If you need, I'll come down there and smack her around for you!
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Wow, I took a while wording my post and see that Nancy and I felt exactly the same way with the words "that is just plain cruel". We's done good! 0
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My warped sense of humor is awake - we invade her shop, singing HAIR (from the musical) and shave her head...
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Thanks guys, just getting it off my chest and having you at my back makes me feel better. Barbe, you're right, I'm sure the answer would be but you've always had a warped/good sense of humor. I'm doing some scouting around before the next cut is due.
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kmmd, when I moved here I needed to find a new hair dresser or drive 300 miles to have "Dave" cut it for me. One day I was out shopping at a strip mall and this lady walked out of Hair Cuttery with the most gorgeous short hair cut. I could tell her hair was naturally curly - like mine. So, I asked her if she always had her hair done there and she said yes and recommended one particular person. This is where I went for my first hair cut when I moved here and where I have gone since. And when my son got married, she did a beautiful job.
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Wow, that hair dresser story takes the cake! She's a professional? I can see how she's lost customers. When my hair was first growing in (verrrry slowly due to Herceptin) I went out to lunch with a formerly good friend of mine. She said "You're hair looks good short; you should keep it that way. Argggh! I should have said "Sure if you cut your hair this short!" No chance of that.
Why do people insist on telling you how great you look when you know you don't?
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The person I was training to take my place while I was out of work for my bilateral mastectomy told me THREE separate stories of women she knew who had DIED from BC. Did she think this was encouraging to me?? Did she think I should be sympathizing with HER?? Did she think that telling me those stories would create a BOND between us?? What an idiot.
And this from my own mother--she was staying with my son while I went to my 3rd chemo treatment. I was frustrated, feeling ugly and depressed, and axious and I was crying. She said: "Well don't cry, crying never solves anything!" like she was angry with me! Of course I just cried harder and left as soon as I could. I was about 45 min early for my appt.
I, too, hate the "WOW, you look GREAT!" comments. Especially since I know that I look like a giant bald pear. I guess the fact that I woke up on the right side of the grass means I look "great", huh??
The other one is: "You are SUCH a strong person." Like someone else on here wrote--what choice do we have except to get thru this?? We're not all that strong--we're just human beings trying to survive after being given crappy news. They don't see us when we're crying in our beds at night, or in the ladies' room at work, or in our cars when we're out shopping (OK, maybe that's just me who does that, huh?) :-)
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