The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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OK, it is pretty crazy how these things make you giggle a little bit when you read them. I know how devestating they can be at the time. People are just so crazy! (Although I continue to focus on something a friend told me when explaining that people don't realize they're being mean/inappropriate: "I prefer to assume ignorance rather than malice.")
Here's one that truly does make me laugh now, but completely freaked me out at the time. Annual OB/GYN appt, with NP instead of doctor. She was asking a million and one questions to "update my patient profile" which seemed odd to me. (I've been a patient at this practice for years, and I was there for a PAP smear, that's it.) Went on and on about the cancer, asking many questions, some of them a little off base:
1. Asked me if my OOPH was "laperotic" (or some derivation of laporascopic, which I freely admit I can't spell, but I'm not a medical professional!!)
2. Asked me why I hadn't had a colonoscopy yet, as the BRCA gene was closely linked to colon cancer. (I responded that neither my oncologist or PCP had mentioned this in the past 3 years since my DX, but I would check it out.)
3. Was confused that my family history of bc was on my father's side, not my mother's side.
4. And here is the one that literally stunned me into silence - to this day I wish I had said, "this appointment is over", gotten dressed and gotten the hell out of there (she had still not done the freakin' PAP smear!) Upon hearing my family history, which is not pretty, she said,
"Gee, you were pretty much doomed from the start, huh?"
I am not making that up! That is verbatim what she said!
PS. BTW, my "ignorance rather than malice" mantra does not apply when you are a medical professional, in that case, you're just a plain idiot!!
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Okay, I'm stage 4 and am currently NED. I've explained to the closest people in my life that even with having "no evidence of disease", I will always have cancer just waiting to rear it's ugly little head again. My treatment just keeps the disease at bay but not gone. I am really tired of being told how lucky I am that I don't have cancer anymore. Oh, how I wish that were true!
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Sorry, I forgot another one - When I was first diagnosed, the person withdrawing my blood told me this long, drawn out story about this friend who just died of cancer. This was coupled with the description of the painful death. I really had to laugh afterwards, not because of her friend, but because of the fact that she told me this.
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I sit at the front desk of a medical clinic. I had one patient check in yesterday and say - I love what you did with your hair (it is less than 1 cm in length) I wish I had the guts to do that! I smile to myself and then the light bulb goes on after she looks at my desk drapped in pink ribbons, and pink teddy bears!! After the patient signs her forms I just ask her to take a seat and smile. (I bet she won't comment on a hair cut for a long time....lol)
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Oh my, what's starting to worry me is I'm completely oblivious of how many time I've said 'dumbest things'.
Lol, even on these boards. Edit to add........even my number of posts is embarrassing, hehehe.
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I think we've all been there, Sharon!
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Sharon - me too! Which is what makes me tolerant of the folks who say these things to me.
I also now know what to say at a funeral/wake, which is another "club" that you just don't really get until it happens to you. And a quick side note - worst thing someone said at my young/healthy mother's wake after her sudden death: after repeatedly ignoring the buffoon's questions about what it was that "got her" by giving a non-specific answer (while standing next to her open casket), the buffoon said, "so, was it contagious?" Heaven help me, I said, "yes!" LOL
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When I was first dx-ed and going through all those pre-surgery tests, a scan technician was moaning about the hospital not allowing her to wear acrylic nails, how awful her nails looked, on and on... She just didn't get the sarcasm as I commiserated with her (poor thing, how horrible for her...). I wish I told her I'd trade problems with her any day but I was too polite. Still bugs me. If something like that happens again well, my politeness would only keep me from pummelling the person into the ground.
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cmb..........OMG.........too funny. (I'm sorry about your mother.)
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When I was having radiotherapy some of the radiographers would chitter on about the most unconsequential things. I felt like saying, Look, this is a human being lying like a piece of meat on a slab. Shut up and show a bit of respect!
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Same thing happened to me, Jeniffer. I was just another piece of the machine.
I'd rather a tech said somethig rude rather than treating me as if I wasn't even there.
Leah
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edited to redact a post with personal information.
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Ok, here i go... early on in my diagnosis I was seriously considering chemo and went wig shopping...with my husband and 11 year old daughter, two of the most important people in my life...the clerk in the store (an older lady), who knew the reason I was there made it a point to tell me that I should (1) choose a shade lighter than I was originally planning to because I could expect to get really pale during treatment and (2) NOT shop with my husband and daughter 'cause they would want me to look just like I did before (DUH, wasn't that what I was also going for??) and couldn't give me good feedback (there were no other family/friends that I wanted to include in this process) and (3) the killer - did I know my hair was going to fall out in clumps and quickly once I started the chemo??? Are you kidding me???!!!!.. Wig sales person now telling me stuff my doctor "hasn't"......????
She was so smug and condescending, it was such a horrible experience....on top of everything else not something any of us needed...
Julie
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I have only recently been diagnosed, but already have heard some really stupid things. One comment that really annoyed me was made by a hospital clerk when I was going through pre-op stuff. When she found out my surgery was scheduled for Christmas Eve she said " Well I guess some people will do anything to get out of cooking Christmas dinner". I suppose that was her idea of a joke. It actually upset my husband more than me for some reason. I just looked at her and said "I'd rather cook 100 dinners than have to go through this". She actually looked a little embarrassed after that. Geez......she works in a hospital, you'd think she'd be a little more sensitive.
Jackie
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I love this thread!!!
OMG people are so stupid. I definitely have moved a lot of friendships around...people who are negative or inconsiderate, now have no place in my life (including my husband- but that is another thread) and some shining stars who were just acquaintances are looked at much differently now because they really stepped up for me.
I really do hate it when people say...oh my (fill in the blank...aunt...grandma...neighbor...3rd cousin twice removed) had BC...and sadly some people tell me there....(fill in the blank) died from that- remember? No, I don't remember but thanks for reminding me that I can die too!!! I have had a lot of YOU look great! It's been almost a year since my diagnosis- what am I supposed to look like? In fact, I just got one of those on New Years Eve! From the same girl who told me of a friend of hers who died from BC right after I told her of my diagnosis last year and she also keeps trying to get me to call her friend who had BC a couple years ago and decided to not get a nipple placed on (nice- I am sure she wants complete strangers to know whether or not she has a nipple) and also told me all about her implant surgery (just cosmetic) to prepare me for mine. UGH! Needless to say this friend has been moved from the good friend list to the I might see once a year for the holidays friend list.
I have also had several people tell me that I get a free boob lift. I tell them I would gladly pay 10,000 dollars to NOT have cancer!!
I know people are trying to relate to you, but it is so inconsiderate sometimes.
I had another girl in my neighborhood, who I am not even friends with, take it upon herself to tell everyone about my diagnosis!! Even the postman! (who recently lost his mom to BC!!!) He was beautiful about it all and even gave me a gift but geez! That same women has never talked to me about my cancer, nor even given me a card. I get it that cancer is hot gossip but really what a jerk!
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Let's see.....after my mastectomy, before I began chemo, my hair started turning grey. One of my friend's who hadn't seen me in a couple of weeks, came through my door and say's "OMG, your beautiful hair is turning grey!!" Well, thank you very much. you couldn't have just said "hello, it's nice to see you."
I got a few "look on the bright side" comments....new boobs, blah, blah, blah. and an endless assortment of : "my aunt's, friends sister died with breast cancer, etc."
I think the one that annoys me the most though is my boss telling me what a "Trooper" I am. what exactly does that mean anyway?
but the thing that should have offended me just made me laugh. My surgical oncologist was talking to me about referring me to a plastic surgeon for my reconstruction and he said "but, let's wait until you are done with the chemo and have some hair back...we don't want to scare him." I gasped and looked at him...he had turned bright red and was stuttering...I just burst out laughing. It might just be because I love my surgeon, but I wasn't offended.
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Thankfully you laughed. Hugs
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Did anyone else recieve dozens upon dozens of books from people about BC? People I barely knew were pressing books into my hands telling me I just HAVE to read it. I have to confess that I didn't even read one.
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I just have to chime in on this thread, it is just too good to pass up. I am 35, so when people hear about my DX all I get is "OMG, you are so young!" or "Well...(long pause) you look great!" Ok so, when does cancer of any kind have a minimum or maximun age requirement! And if I look good now with cancer, I wonder how I looked before to those people. I have never had so many people tell me how good I look. I know they mean well, but it just isn't the thing to say. And since I didn't go thru chemo I also get the comment of "oh so your cured now right?" Umm, well, I still have to worry and wonder every single day of my life if this will creep back up on me! Oh!! When will people ever learn!
Jen
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Ok so I was on my way to radiation at MSK and I got in the elevator. This nice older gentleman was going to the same floor as me and said you look like you are just starting your shift.
I said actually I don't work here.
He said oh that's good.
I said well, it probably would be better if I did. (because then I wouldn't be here for treatment)
He then said, oh you must be visiting someone.
He obviously did not want to face the fact I am a patient.
Sigh....I don't spend a lot of time saying, oh woe is me, I have cancer so young, but this really made me feel tragic.
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what a great thread this is, to see that alot of us go through these dumb comments.
It brings to mind, two of the worst for me:
During chemo, after losing my hair, I decided to wear a scarf on my head. I was checking out a patient at my desk and he laughed, pointed to my head and asked, "Why are you wearing that? Is it Middle East day or something?" I was speechless. One of my coworkers had to explain to him that I was going through chemo. He felt like an idiot then.
Another time, during chemo, I was bald and weak, but I decided to go to Walmart to get a few items and I was using one of the motorized carts. Some demented man and woman in the store came up to me and hollored at me for making it difficult for them to get around me. That I used up too much of the aisle. I'm normally a very cool headed person, but I bit his head off. I can't recall exactly what I said, but it wasn't pretty. Then I turned away and continued shopping while they stormed off.
Other than that, the only other comments that irritate me are the ones that minimize breast cancer, like its not a big deal to go through it.
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Ok, I have got to rant and rave about a comment I got (again) today. I saw my oncologist yesteray,was supposed to get Lupron shot at the same time. This appointment was set up 4 MONTHS ago, cleared with the pharmacist, insurance company ($3500 drug), the infusion center and the onc 4 MONTHS AGO when the appointment was made. Side note here: I am terrified of needles and it takes a lot of building up to get me to the point of being able to get this shot, and then only if I don't see that honking big needle they use for it, and I drive 95 miles one way to get to the office. So, I show up yesterday, get the bone density test done (stressful since I got NO info about the test before hand, scheduled for 12:30 and I didn't eat since I didn't know if I could or not), then imediately go upstairs to the doc's office. Got blood pressured and stripped half nekkid, THEN the nurse pops her head in and says, the pharmacist says it's a week too early for the lupron shot. You'll have to come back next week for that. At which point I completely fall apart. Sobbing in the exam room. It takes me days to psych myself up for that shot. So, the office decided to see if my PCP office can get the lupron and give me the shot after the 11th. I'm given an instruction form to take to the PCP office and told they'll call me to set it up. Got the call today, with the additional information that I have to get a prescription for the lupron from the onc's office and pick it up at the local pharmacy myself. Now, I've been down this road before, so I called the insurance company. If I get the lupron from the local pharmacy I have to pay full price ($3500) and the administration at the PCPs office won't be covered, because drugs bought at a local pharmacy are all considered self-administrated and don't need a professional to give. I'm getting more and more freaked out by the minute, and ask to speak with a case manager. Got transferred to an "intake specialist" who asked a whole bunch of questions about the diagnosis, dates of biopsies and surgeries, radiation and chemotherapy. GAve her that info and that I did not have chemo. Her comment: "Oh, So you are not in "real" treatment. Case managers are only assigned to women in real treatment. If you're not getting real treatment you don't need a case manager, that's just minor stuff compared to real treatment." So, just in case any of you were wondering, "real" bc treatment is chemo. Rads, surgery, hormonal therapy, LE management, pain manangement, etc is is "minor" stuff. She even went on to say that they only cover "unecessary extras like reconstruction" because they are mandated to by law! I lost it with her. I asked her if she had to have her breast taken off because of bc would she consider it "minor" surgery once she went home the next day with one or two drains in? How would she feel if she was told that reconstruction wouldn't be covered because it was only for vanity? Of would she consider it "minor" to have to spend 1-3 hours per day at a radiation center, have all the skin burned off her breast, suffer burning nerve pain for the rest of her life from truncal lymphedema and suffer fatigue so profound that she couldn't work for weeks after the rads were completed? I was floored when she said that she didn't think she'd get as "emotionally off the wall" as most of the "breast cancers" who called her. And that I still did not qualify for a case manager and need to take more responsibility for my own health care management. Yeah, like I haven't tried.
To have this come on the same day I had my annual mammo, during which I was taken back for more views of "questionable findings" 3 times has thrown me into a complete emotional meltdown. I am seriously ready to just stop all this treatment and monitoring bull$*!! right now. If the beast comes back and kills me, I just hope it's quick. I cannot deal with much more of this crap. I dread Christmas knowing that the week of appointments and test hell is coming right after.
I have taken 4 times the prescribed dose of xanax and I still can't stop crying. I think it's time for a good stiff rum and cola. If I'm lucky maybe I won't wake up in the morning.
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Mainer, I think insurance company clerks, adjusters or whatever you call them rank in the lower category with appointment makers at doctor's offices. No idea that worry, stress, anxiety, side effects, something serious, or even a disease is involved. Like I want to see the doctor because I have nothing else to do today... and in your case, got some extra time and money lying around and I need to get "stuck" with a needle. The idiocy of this is too much.
Regarding receiving books - I was sent a series of Spiritual healing tapes that still sit unopened. One very casual acquaintance offered to let me buy books through her sister who is a naturalist, even though I flat out told her I was doing conventional treatment - meaning chemo.
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Oh, Mainer, I just wanted to cry when I read your post. The frustration of dealing with everything connected with treatment is awful.
Just sending you ((((((hugs))))))))))) because I can't help you in any other way.
Leah
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NM, I've made a complete mess of trying to relay your message to the chat. I am SO sorry.
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NM -I am so sorry you had to go through all of that. That woman was absolutely horrible and disparaging. She shouldn't be in health care if she cannot deal with a client in an respectful, empathetic manner. Big deal if she is braver than all the rest of breast cancer patients. Talk is cheap.
You are you - and how you feel is how you feel - and you have every right to feel as you do.
Do what you need to to feel better tonight. Tomorrow, may you wake up refreshed and able to sort through this mess.
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NM- I would never ever ever wish having bc on ANYONE- but karma will bite that woman in the ass woman one way or another and if she does get BC somewhere down the line it sure would wake her up to what a bitch she is- she has NO business working in the medical field in any capacity, you should talk to her supervisor and file a complaint- even if you only do it via letter- no one should be treated like that!
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((((((((((((((NM))))))))))))))
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More from me, ((((((((((((((NativeMainer))))))))))))))
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I am stunned speechless (can you believe it!) at what you went through yesterday NM!!!!!!
NO human being should be treated the way you were! You gave a very clear and concise rant...hat's off to you, I would have had a meltdown somewhere along the line there.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
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