The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Terry! So funny about the prostate prosthesis!!!!
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My son has braces. We just paid the final payment of 4800. He had oral surgery before braces and we paid that guy too. Somewhere around 1500. Yesterday the ortho tells me we need to go back to the oral surgeon and have more stuff done and I wasn't very happy about it (about the cost). The ortho looks at me and says, "your response isn't what I thought I'd get, it's as if I cut all the cancer out and you should be happy but you are not"!!! I did not have chemo- so my hair is still intact- so I know he didn't know I spent the better half of last year in surgery and recovery but geez....it hit me hard!!! I didn't have a come back and now I really wish I had said, "no this is the look I have when someone is raking me over the coals, when I was diagnosed with cancer last year the look was much different" but I said nothing...just crept back to the waiting room in quiet disgust!
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Re, the analogy between by at prostrate cancer . . . that analogy may not be so bad after all. Some of the treatments for prostrate cancer can lead to impotence . . . so while, forms may not be involved, I do think prostrate cancer does effect a man's sexuality and self-image - certainly emotional stuff, like breast cancer.
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Boy, there is almost too many to read, but I keep going because it's very intriguing at what people say.
1. I went to my husband's Xmas party (this was right after I had the lumpectomy) and one person came up to me and asked me how I was doing. Which isn't too bad, right? But she kept looking at my breasts while she was talking. I guess she wanted to know what my breasts thought and not me.
2. This is another one that I can't stand. When people find out about my BC, they always say, I know someone who had it and it's been 15 years. You'll be just fine. UGH!!!! How do they know? Do they have a crystal ball?
3. And last but not least...."You're looking good." Like I didn't look good before????
I'm sure there are a lot more, but I pretty much let them roll off my back. If I didn't, it would stress me out even more.
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Hi all - wanted to share the one that gets to me the worst and mostly because it has come from a healthcare professional every single time. It started with the lady that did my diagnostic mammo; she only knew I had a lump at the time but assured me it was probably nothing because I'm so young (42). Since then, several times when having one test or procedure or another the typical conversation goes like this... nurse - so why are we putting in a port today? me - for chemo treatment... nurse - why are you needing chemo?... me - I have breast cancer... nurse - oh my, but you're so young...
It' always goes something like that and I always know it's coming now and even so I always break down in tears. Yes, I know I'm on the younger end of the scale for this and it sucks and I really don't need that additional littel reminder as I'm about to go into surgery, or have a PET scan or what-ever.
Thanks for this thread, I feel better having gotten that off my chest.
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You would think the health care professionals would be the persons best equipped to handle sensitive subjects like this, right?
Every time I go for my ob/gyn checkup, they ask me when I had my last mammogram. 2004. Do you have one scheduled? No. Why not? Because I had a bilateral mastectomy in 2004...do you guys ever read the frickin chart?? I finally had to tell them to write it on the outside of the chart so I wouldn't have to answer those embarassing questions again. They still ask....*banging head on wall*
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I get that all the time. Don't have breasts, so no mammos for me. Can't say I miss them...the mammos, not the breasts!
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I love it the most when they remind me that I have "late stage" cancer, with emphasis on the word "late," as in...."That treatment isn't available to you because you have late stage cancer."
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Being diagnosed with a 2nd new cancer was a bit difficult for me, as I explained to a social worker that visited me in the hospital, I told her crying that I didn't want to go to any support groups because I didn't want to frighten anyone recently diagnosed. I then apologized for crying (duh:) and falling apart. She told me most people don't fall apart till they get home. I couldn't even speak to her after that!
My very kind visiting nurse was trying to encourage me to see a professional to talk to and help me get thru the mental phase of this rather than hold it all in. I spoke to a friend that I have supported thru problems in her life and told her of this suggestion. She said what for, you had the surgery and are all done!
Thank you all for this wonderful site!!
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((((((((Katey)))))))))))- maybe you could go to a support group and just not "share"! Perhaps you would meet someone that has a similar situation as you and could seek that one person out. I didn't talk at my support group at all (I think it was guilt from "just" having a DCIS) anyway- I found a great lady who was my same age and who ran marathons before cancer (I am a runner) anyway- we really hit it off and became such a comfort away from the group. In fact, we never hung out with the group! We always would go and have coffee and just talk and I think it helped much more than a therapist would have.
I am so sorry you have been diagnosed with another cancer. Cry your heart out- you deserve that!!! I think people in our country don't have patients for cry baby's!! Everyone is always trying to cheer me up when I am sad. I lost my boobs- I have cancer- I can cry if I need to!!!! So many people told me to go on anti depressants. I think we should allow ourselves to be depressed....it is normal after all we have gone though!!!
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friscosmom--the "you're so young" line over and over must be miserable. I had a mastectomy because of radiaiton damage--abscesses, open holes that wouldn't heal, pain--and the comment I keep getting is "that almost never happens." Gee, thanks, that really makes things better! I've developed a stock answer to the "almost never happens" line: "Really? That makes everything so much better." I've gotten some very odd looks and more than a few apologies. Maybe you can start each encounter by saying "I know this is going to shock you but I already know I'm young to have breast cancer."
enjoyful--I have had the same thing done with my chart telling the staff that I cannot have blood pressures, IV's or blood work done on my left arm. I got so sick of nobody noticing. Now, if someone goes for my left arm I tell them to stop, leave the room and send in someone who can read. I've "offended" quite a few staffers. One of my favorite things to say when someone tries to take me to task for this is "Oh, it's more important not to offend so-an-so than it is to protect myself from a condition that would give me lifelong pain?" I've got a reputation now for being "very picky" about my care, but I've noticed that people actually read my record before coming near me.
katey--who cares WHEN we break down? Isn't the point to support and help us when we do cry? Good grief, who does that social worker think she works for?
These kinds of unthinking comments from the very people we are depending on to help us are so devastating. Why do we feel so reluctant to let them know when we are hurt or upset by what they say? We're paying them for their services, we have a right to get sensitive and respectful care!
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NM - You are absolutely right! Do you mind if I copy your skillz? I try to be patient and kind but why should I do that when they continue to be thoughtlessly rude and hurtful? Jeez.
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Friscosmom, I get the "you're too young" comments all the time too! And "when was your last period" and "is there a chance you could be pregnant"... and the mammogram questions... I've had a total hyst, and BMX... I'm 34... I can only imagine how long I'm going to have to listen to that! I hope it stops bothering me so much later... but really, it's all in the chart, if they read it, we won't have to feel so crappy everytime we go to the Dr.! Much love to you! Jessica
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It happened!
I had a customer today who I helped on December 8th, 2008 (as per her invoice, I certainly didn't remember!). I mentioned to her that wow, I was diagnosed with breast cancer 2 days after I met with you and then had a double mastectomy. As her eyes flew down to my chest she said, "Oh, my sister...passed from that. But you're okay now, right?"
Doi!
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The policy of the hospital where much of my care occurs is to check before each procedure whether you are the right patient. They do this by asking for your birthdate! A visit for a mammography for example might entail three requests for your birthdate. this is not something I am touchy about, I just find it annoying, but I often think of a friend who lies about her age, how being subjected to this question again and again would be like rubbing it in just how old she really is. I am now thinking that for young bc patients, the birthdate question might be triggering the hated "but you are so young" comment in response. I am going to mention how negatively such comments are sometimes received to the radiology staff at my visit next week.
Julie E
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Thank you Cheri and Native Mainer. I am dealing with this much better now, just as you all know it was tough while recovering from surgery. My sister was diagnosed 2 months later so that has kept my mind off of me with concern for her. I'll be okay, just a little anxious about upcoming exchange surgery.
Crying is good at other times. I've been having new car trouble, it had been at the dealer for a month this summer, in October I brought the car in and my emotions were still fragile. They told I'd have to leave it for a few days and I burst into tears. I was embarassed and they probably thought I was nuts, but my car was fixed right away!
I got the you're too young comments for years, I always respond "that's what I told the doctor:)"
I have to take premeds for dentist (implant) and it would get to me with each hygienist asking why, finally told my dentist I didn't want to be asked anymore. He listened and I haven't been asked again!
Did any of you see Community last nite? Chevy Chase had on a great shirt with a huge arrow pointing toward his head, under which read "I'm up here". I think that's better than my reaction to hold both my middle fingers up in front of my breasts
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I hate that nobody reads the chart any more! I'm tired of saying the same darn thing over and over again. I've had a lot of surgeries, had a hysterectomy when I was 32, ovaries out when I was 36 and 2 other surgeries after that for a "gartner duct cyst", plus some other surgeries over the years. I've had nurses wanting to do pregnancy tests before surgery and thank God I have had the sense to ask wht do you want urine for. I have had a finger prick for blood in oncs office on my R side(mast. side) and as I was talking to another patient there, the nurse goes, oh honey, you can't have anything done on your right side, you need to let us know. Um, you need to read the chart! I'm sorry to go on and on but it just goes on an on! I want to wear a sign that says READ THE FRICKIN CHART! No wonder there are so many mistakes.
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On the many occasions when I am asked for my birthdate, I simply give day and month. That's enough to prove I'm me. The whole room doesn't have to know how old I am! The nurses always accept that much info and carry on.
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Shortly after I was diagnosed with BC, one of my aunts told me her sister-in-law was dead in two years after her diagnoses. Oh joy, what an uplifting story. Geeze.
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enjoyful--be my guest. You and anyone who wants can use any of my tactics, alter them to fit your personality or even quote and blame me for the "rudeness."
Medical staff are expected and required to know the information in the chart. If they don't, they do not have enough information to properly treat me, I don't care how busy they are, and I have sometimes said so. "You're too busy to do your job properly? And you expect me to trust you to do (fill in the blank) correctly and safely? I have a problem with this." Sometimes I think we need to make them slow down. I know it's part of the safety checks to ask for birthdates, but it does get annoying. It's funny, for simple blood test, to see the oncologist, I have to give my name, birthdate, etc. When I was getting radiation treatments no one ever called me in by name, or asked my name, or spoke to me by name. You'd think radiaiton centers would be really careful about positiviely identifying people!
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Edited to redact a post with personal information.
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groundhog--I feel the same way you do about all that info being said out loud when checking in for an appoinment. Most of the places I go now have signs "Please wait here for the next available clerk" that make some space between people waiting and people checking in. I'm not sure how much it really helps, but I don't hear other people's addresses, etc, so it probably does. As to the young girl with her comment, chances are good she'll end up with one of those "horrible and life-threatening" conditions. I wonder if she'll remember her comment then? I'm betting not. But it would, indeed, have felt good to put her straight, I agree.
When I went in to get my shot yesterday I got one of the usual hurtful comments: "You're a nurse? That must make things a lit easier." I try to hide the fact that I'm a nurse becuase when people find out they stop giving me info--the "you're a nurse so I figured you already know all this." and the informatiom flow stops. I just cannot be my own nurse, and nobody seems to believe that a nurse can be afraid of a needle or need information or support during cancer treatment. Of all the people who should know better. . . .
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My sister was a labour room nurse and was terrified when she was about to give birth. That surprised me and I asked her why. "Because I know all that can go wrong!" was her answer!
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I have adopted a new answer, for the new year: " I have NO bad news to report. How are you doing? " This had stopped several in their usual path of doom and gloom talk. Give it a try.
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lefty--GREAT response! Can I steal it?
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lefty......... I like that one too.....and yes I will give it a try as you suggested. I am sure it causes "back-pedaling" with some people.......and that has to be amusing ( if you know what I mean)
Pat
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Barbe and NM - one of my daughters is a nurse, and I know my having bc was harder on her than on any of my other kids because she probably knows the worst case scenario.
Leah
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My sister in law, who is fighting lung cancer posted in her public journal she wishes she only had BC while I understand as she is face a very grave situation it was still a very cruel thing to say, I have since refused to read her daily journal of rantings and let my husband deal with her. At times I feel guilty about that but can't handle her cruelty right now.
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For me it's not a matter of knowing what could go wrong--I worked in pediatrics and home care. I knew nothing about radiation, choices for surgery, side effects of the medications, etc. I would get freaked out by something, call the hospital or office, and get the standard line: "Usually we warn people about that when they are discharged, We didn't think you needed to to be told since you're a nurse." No one told me about the CT scan as part of radiation set up. No one told me the radiaiton would be to my entire left side from neck to hip. I still don't know why I had all those lines drawn all over my chest during simulation. I don't get lab or test results unless I call and bug the doc's office because "You're a nurse so you know how busy it is, and you'd understand if it took longer to get to you." Or my favorite: "I figured you'd just get your own results out of the computer." I didn't work in that hospital system and had no access to their computer. Either that or the staff is asking ME how to do something, "since you're a nurse." The fact that I'm a nurse seems to make it impossible for staff to see me as a human being, a woman with a bc diagnosis that needs info and/or support. It got so bad that I now no longer tell them I'm a nurse. I list my job as "Instructor" (I teach nursing) and when they ask me what I teach I say ethics or philosophy. Then I get treated just like any other person and don't end up having to manage everything myself. The few docs/staff that do know I'm a nurse are very careful to treat me like a "normal" patient since I have complete meltdowns and total temper tantrums when I find out I haven't been. It's so hard when I know how a patient should be treated and then I'm not treated that way.
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