The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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I hate that you're so strong crap too. I also hate when friends think they're being nice about saying I'm going to live to a ripe old age and then argue with me about it. Or you're going to be cured, or the next scan will be clear when you know darn well it won't.
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First of all, I think that sometimes when something bothers one's person, it doesn't necessarily bother everyone else. It depends on their background and experiences. Some of the things that was mentioned on this tread, people mentioned to me and I didn't get mad or upset with, some I actually laughed at. One example: I actually had a friend say to me, "At least you get a boob job". I gave her a big hug. I felt like at the time everyone was being so serious and scarry that for her to make that comment, it lightened up my mood and made me laugh. I needed that at the time. Everyone is different at how things affect them. I think as a breast cancer survivior, to hear that anyone knew someone that knew someone that had cancer and died, is not the best time to mention it to me. However, for someone who has lost their mother of breast cancer, I can understand them mentioning it because they are remembering going through that and they may be talking from their emotions rather than their brain telling them that this might not be the best time to bring that up. I think both sides of this discussion has to take a step out emotionally and look at the other side and just understand where they are coming from.
Anyways, Here's my stories:
I had a nun who worked at the cancer hospital I WORK for say to me, "Take that scarf off. You look like you have cancer!"
I hate when people say, "You have cancer, but you're so young." Wow, I didn't notice that. Or. "You are such a strong person. If I was going through the same thing, I would ..." How do you know what you would be doing in the same situation. I believe that MOST people would learn to live their life with this and appear "strong". Once I tried to say this in a very positive way to my aunt after she made this statement. She argued with me until I gave up. I felt like I was trying to be positive and she kept bringing me down.
I was 29 years old when I had my reconstruction and was sponge bathing one day in the hospital. A nurses aide came in my room without knocking and I quickly covered up my chest. She worked really hard at not laughing.
I had this neighbor who I never talked to except a friendly "hi" in passing. He knocked on my door to tell me that he was a minister and if I ever wanted the ucharist to let him know and proceeded to ask me about my medical situation. I could have been Jewish or an Atheist for all he knew.
I'm going to end with a funny story. I was getting a CAT scan once and the tech. asked me, "Do you have something in your left pocket?" I said, "That's the tissue expander that I told you about." He said, "Can you take it out?" If I was quicker, I would have said, "If you can get me a knife?"
Take care,
Jen
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Jen! Love that knife comment. That would have shut him up! I'd forgotten (blanked it out?) some comments my MIL made when I had ovarian cancer. My first four chemos were five days a week and the drugs were supposed to "thin" my hair. I have curly hair and two weeks after the first cycle I awoke to find my hair literally a bird's nest on top of my head! The chemo had changed the texture into straw.
I tried to wash/condition it to untangle it to no avail. I finally had to take the scissors to it and cut it into a very unprofessional "pixie" cut. If it hadn't been (Canadian) Thanksgiving, I would have made an emergency run to a hairdresser. So we get to my SIL's house and my MIL starts talking about how bad her hair looks. Hmmm doesn't she notice that I now have very uneven short hair? I say that my hair is terrible and she says "It looks nice!". Argggh.
Her other comment when finding out I had ovarian cancer was that I was a good candidate because I was so strong! Gee, sure wish I'd been a weaker person then I wouldn't have got cancer at all.
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My boyfriend just reminded me of a more recent story.
I went in for a CAT scan and they were asking me some questions. The women asked me if I was pregnant and I said, "No, I had an oopherectomy." She said, "When was your last period." I said, "I don't know, probablly over a year ago." She said, "Are you sure you're not pregnant?" That would be a miracle!
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jmart, I agree that a comment that would upset one person will be viewed as really funny by another. I want to add, though, that it also depends on who the person is who is making the comment. You were able to accept the humor and love in your good friend's "boob job" comment but if it had been a casual aquaintance you might have felt slighted and minimized.
I was speaking with one of my sisters recently about the possiblity of bilateral DIEP flap surgery and she said, "Hey! If you do that you can go bigger than you were! That would be great! And the stomach thing will be like a tummy tuck!" We were laughing hysterically at her take on it, but I know the same comment from someone else might not sit well with me, especially the size comment since I was a size AA (one of them is gone now and I'm still not exactly happy with size comments from most people). From my sister I can take it not because we're the same size but because I know she loves me and any jokes are intended to help my mood and show her own brand of suppport.
It's true also that if someone has lost a mother to bc the pain (and lack of mental "brakes) are enormous, but from anyone else, being told "You have bc? I know someone who died of that!" is insensitive to the extreme.
I was incredibly fortunate that while I was going through treatment most people I knew were extremely sensitive to me and avoided telling me things they might have otherwise told me. My son's ex-wife actually withheld the news that her grandfather had died because he had cancer and she was afraid of upsetting me. Also, my husband went to the funeral of the wife of a college friend of his but didn't tell me for MONTHS that she died of bc even though his own pain and fear were certainly enormous.
Leah
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Leah,
I agree with what you added to my comments about the comment depending on who they came from. That is also a good point. It's true also that a lot of wonderful and special people know how to keep things from you that they know will only hurt you more. They are amazing people when they are able to understand that. I think some people just don't understand how much a comment like, "I knew someone that had breast cancer and she died" will affect us. Some people also say things without thinking first or they just don't have a filter. I only keep positive people in my life. If I had anyone in my life that ended up being too negative, they are no longer in my life. I decided that I would not be able to survive if they were still in my life. It might be selfish, but I needed to do that in order to survive.
Jen
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From time to time, I can be pretty stupid. I've read every comment in this thread in an attempt to avoid causing pain to my sister, recently diagnosed with breast cancer. She exhibited strong evidence of strength long before her diagnosis. We both know she's strong so mention of that is not in my priority list of things to say. But for me, given the seriousness of the situation and my lack of intelligence, it is difficult to know what to say. I'm fortunate to have found this conversation. But my sister is not fortunate in that I sought it . The only reason I am here is because my sister has breast cancer. That sucks. I wish I had never heard of breastcancer.org. But anyone reading this will not quite understand how grateful I am having found you. I wish I could ease your pain. I wish you could ease mine. You have helped and I thank you....Wally
Labore Pro Pacem
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Well, I guess it had to happen sometime. Last night I was at a wedding and ran into someone I hadn't seen in a long tme who didn't know I'd had bc. So, first she tells me how I MUST exercise and follow the special diet she's on (Dr. Fuhrman? I think) to prevent recurrence - tamoxifen is apparently irrelevant, as is any other intelligent eating plan. Then she tells me about a friend of hers who died of bc at a young age.
Good thing I hadn't seen her in a long tme.
Sigh.
Leah
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I have a story that fits in with this......Shortly after I had my masectomy I was at my husband's retirement party and one of my students mother came up to me and told me how sorry she was that I was so sick and she wasn't going to tell her son ( my third grade student) how bad off I was. I excused myself from the party and went home and cryed my eyes out....Well to make a long story short this same woman who was many yrs. my junior in age died a yr later of alcohol poisoning and that incident spoke volumes to me.....here she was so worried about me and she has been gone for over 10 yrs. and at a very young age....We need to live each day to the fullest and enjoy each and every day. I hope each and every one of you have a great holiday!!!!!!!!Claudia
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I have been accussed of not pulling my weight in the house! I just about lost my temper on that one!!! I have to remind him that I have cancer and that if the tables had been turned I would be there for him 200%. This bc has certainly put a huge strain on the relationsip and I am not sure if we will make it!
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In my case, I will slap the next person who says "you have the 'good' cancer - what, exactly is the difference between good and bad cancer? Or, you didn't really have cancer. In that case, someone owes me two breasts. Or, should I have let it ripen until it invaded other parts of my body? Are you saying I should have waited until I had "real" cancer to get treatment?
My own sister compared my double mastectomy with her breast augmentation! I politely informed her that her breast augmentation was her choice and she had added something to her body. I had no choice and had a whole lot taken away from me.
I don't want to hear about other people who either died from the same thing or triumphed over it. One depresses the hell out of me and the other makes me feel like I'm not doing enough to handle it.
Or the doctor who told me I shouldn't get reconstruction with my other medical conditions and my age - it was not like I would be out looking for a husband. There are so many things wrong with that statement on so many levels I cannot even begin to address it.
Here's what you say to anyone who has lost someone, gotten ill, whatever - I am so sorry. Is there anything I can do for you. Do you need anything. And mean it! Or offer to do something. Call the person occasionally so they can talk (not about you)! Bring a dinner over or go to lunch somewhere.
Geez - its not rocket science.
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I hate that people keep telling me how good I look. My hair isn't growing back, I have lost my breasts & I have put on 40 pounds through chemo and arimidex .... there is no way I look good. Why do people have to comment on how I look? ...it's almost like they are surprised to see me alive (it's my second bc in 4 years).
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I, too hate when people say but you LOOK good.......well how the heck am I supposed to look! Should I go to work without make-up? Then you'd see how bad I look....
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I'm still so annoyed about a comment yesterday about my LE. "Well, you've already taken care of that." Yikes, I can't even relate the story I'm so upset!
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Hi everyone: Please do not take this as minimizing any side effects of this blasted disease, but I think the WORST side effect of this is insensitive, dumb, idiotic remarks, along with family and friends who just DO NOT "get it".
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I got a good one. I have a friend who I have not seen since dx or chemo (not a close friend) . Lost my hair couple months ago. She sent me a Christmas present - the woman went to all that effort to send me one of those special towels that dry your hair faster! What the f^*k? weird-huh?
Valerie
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When I was first Dx and started Tx, my bff was cutting my hair and I was trying on my wig....a friend of hers who I knew came over....this woman did not know that I had BC.....she saw me in my wig and commented how nice I looked and glad to see that I had decided to wear a wig (a lot of religious woman cover their head)....my bff told her that I had BC and this woman went on to say well at least you are wearing a wig....Great, I get BC and its a good thing that i am covering my head!!!!
When I had my exchange, a couple of the people I worked with equated it to the teacher we worked with who had augmentation surgery a couple eyars before. After my surgery, one dumb broad, goes, Karen lets see....she wanted me to stand sideways so she could see my profile!!! should I have pulled up my sweater!!!
The best one was my former boss, who did not like me....she said to me, that they got the short end of the stick when I was out after bilat and missing days for chemo... I just about ripped my shirt open and said, who got the short end of the stick!!!!! But I figured it was best to keep my mouth shut.
Some people are just plain stupid and insensitive.....
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I had guys at work who were surprised that I was still going to take my holidays because I had already had time off (for my surgery!!!! 2 1/2 weeks!! ) Doi!
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I agree Nancy!!
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1. When I was going through chemotherapy, my MIL asked me to send her a photograph of myself, "but not one without hair—I just couldn't bear to look at it."
2. When I was preparing for my bilateral mastectomy, a friend told me at great length how easy it was to get implants (she had them for breast augmentation), despite the fact that I had reiterated to her in detail why I was not a candidate for them (previous radiation).
3. When I told that same friend that I planned not to have reconstruction, given the poor choices available to me, she told me about a woman at her gym who was "in your face" about not wearing prosthetics and made everyone uncomfortably aware of her lack of breasts.
4. On my first day of work without my wig, a colleague "quipped" about how difficult I was making it for people: "First we had to get used to the wig. Now we have to get used to your short gray hair." (I had previously had long, curly brown hair, but somehow it came back a little different.)
I do know there is no "right" way to talk to someone about this disease. And I have forgiven all the people who credited my survival to my "good attitude" (if they only knew how rotten my attitude really was!) or who assured me that they "knew" I would survive because I was so "healthy" (so why did I get this stupid disease?), but those four comments really stuck with me as particularly insensitive. On the other hand, when I whined to a friend who has also had breast cancer that I couldn't bear to look in the mirror, she snapped, "Well, then, stop looking in the mirror!" And I just loved her for it! Go figure.
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Nagem, what were you thinking making things difficult for your work colleagues? It's so hard to believe that these people think it's about them! Some people boggle the mind!
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I too have heard lots of rediculous comments, mostly from well meaning people, so I let it go. But the biggest doozy of them all, and most hurtful, came from my own husband, who "resents my being ill because it makes his problems seem insignificant" Seriously? your stubbed toe last week was insignificant.
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There was someone at work who had a really bad cold. I sympathized and told her she should go home. She said she couldn't because I had really raised the bar! Gee thanks.
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My cousin who is the same age as me; we have been very close since birth came over last week to be "supportive" and was looking around my house and pointing out items in my house and said... "I want this ... and this... when you DIE". I am so upset... I just can't let her be in my life anymore.
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WTF Cheers!?! That's unbelievable!!!!! She beats my lame husband! I'm sure that hurt, I'm so sorry!
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If anyone started selecting what they want when I die, I would assure them in a very strident tone that they're not getting a single thing from me when I die. How crass and tacky and just downright selfish can a person be?
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cheers--how horrible! I don't blame you for not letting her in your life anymore. There are still people out there who think a cancer diagnosis is an automatic death sentence. That is NOT the kind of support we need!
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Jessica -
Just out of curiosity, what on earth was your reply? Were you too shocked to actually express what you were feeling or did you tell her where to get off?
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Desdemona... I was sooo shocked, I just couldn't believe it. My son was in the room and looked at me with his eyes really wide open (like he couldn't believe it either) and he said "umm she's not going to die before you, and I've seen her will... you're not in it". After she left my son (age 17) said, "she's just toxic isn't she" He's right... toxic!
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Cheers -- give your son a big hug from me -- he's brilliant!
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