The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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If your son isn't the primary beneficiary in you will now he should be! Good for him! Great comeback!
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Holy moley - so she said it in front of you son. UNBELIEVABLE.
Your son is wise beyond his years.
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Thanks ladies... My son and I are very close, I had him when I was 17 (he's been with me for more than half my life already). Yes, she said it in front of him, I was speechless! She has said many awful things to me (about the cancer) but this is it... I'm done with her.
Thanks so much for your support, it helps take the sting away from her comments! XOXO Jessica
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My husband has been most horrible to me. I'm currently in Chemo and he has begun to want o bring his ill mannered and disrespectful adult daughter not only into his life, but our home, telling me to "learn to deal with the abuse and disrespect of her" and that I'm "no fun"
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I sit in real and sincere amazement of how immature my husband is ( had no idea) and his immaturity as we are middle aged people, not kids. Not sure what to do. He says he won't leave, yet he does nothing to help me. All he has is demands. He even said he had "RIGHTS"
to bring his daughter into our home. She cannot remember I'm sick, yells at me, gives me demands and my husband sists there like a bump on a log. He says he tolerates it because he does not want to be old and alone or to stop enjoying life or be one of those grandparents who never get to see their grandkids. His daughter is totally crazy. She has just started new psyche meds and even more than usual, doesn't shut up. Her conversations involve non stop talking ( usually about herself and her great looks, hair and all the attention men give her). She lives a
"sex and the city lifestyle" that is all supported by her birth mother who spoils her and enables her to live this lifestyle ( they are much the same as they both live it).
I can't even get my head around what my husband is asking and telling me. He is telling a chemo patient, she is no fun ! How selfish and self centered can he be?
I can think of no other person in my life who has disappointed me as much as my husband. When I found out I have cancer, its almost as if he just wishes I'd die and get the hell out of his way. He tells people my plight to gain sympathy for himself. He is the most self centered person ! He even demanded I " have some fun" and go eat MEXICAN FOOD ??? with him
? Mexican food? I told him I cant eat that and he tells me I'm being dificult and refused to eat anywhere else.
He will not help me unless he wants to and how he wants to. He is a horrible man. I am looking back for any signs he was so emotionally immature, as I have only been married to him a few years and it seems he hid his true self from me as I would never have married such a immature, insenstive JERK.
Is he trying to kill me?
I dont know what to do
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bf2009. I am so sorry for how you are being treated. I haven't been in that exact situtation so don't know what to tell you about what to do. Were you happy with him prior to cancer? I do know DH and I had some very hard times through treatment and in the 9 months or so after chemo and surgery and when I first started Tamoxifen. We've been together a long time and rarely fought previous to this, and over the last several months had some real screamers. Things have settled down and life has returned a little more to normal. Many women here will tell of the same, or of how things weren't going to make it, or how shocked they were to hear that their husbands had almost not made it through with them. Chemo itself will make you feel depresssed. The whole thing has just plain made me crazy at times. There were also times when I thought DH was not being supportive and selfish and he finally got me to see that it was how he was reacting to his fears for me. We saw treatment decisions differently and just had to agree to disagree at times.
I guess what I'm saying is now may not be the time to make some life altering moves or decisions. I would urge, however, that now is the time to be very very protective of yourself. You make sure you get the sleep, rest, exercise, and nutrition that YOU need. Things will revolve around your needs for awhile--let them. Reach outside the home if you need to in order to make it happen. If you're in a center that has it, ask to see the social worker and psych onc group and get yourself someone to talk to and find out what support they can give you. See if your husband will do some couples counseling and get involved in some support groups himself. Don't try to make it through chemo (don't know if you'll need more surgery or hormonal therapy) alone.
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Well said!
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As much as I did not intend to make it all about me, Once I realized this is/was all about me, I calmed down and changed things. Little by little I removed hurtful people from my life - ignored their phone calls, did not answer emails, shredded snail mail letters, deleted their address from email lists.
After my husband died in 2003, many similar comments and actions came forth from so called friends. It is true many do not know what to say or do, but being hurtful and rude is not the way. Life is too short and although there will always be good and bad days, I prefer to be in control of removing any "bad karma". We all have been "wronged" and we most likely have "wronged" someone else along the way. It hurts to have these things happen and you have the right to be hurt and even resentful of their actions towards you. But I also realized that pay back was not the way to go. The best thing for me was to eliminate the source of the hurt.
Someone commented to me that I sure was busy, since I always had something else going on when she asked me to meet her for lunch. Saying you have a Dr appt is one good way to get out of things, for example and being exhausted, after a very busy day (give no details) if asked out in the evening. I no longer feel guilty for refusing invitations when I am too tired or achy to go or I just do not like the person asking.
I am sorry your husband is acting the way he is. Being alone is hard, but being with someone who is not supportive or helpful is also hard. Gentle Hugs for all, Nancy
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I've done the same thing. I'm not available, too tired, etc. when certain people call. Others, I'll move heaven and earth to get to spend time with. It's all about weeding out the toxicity in your life.
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BMac--weeding out toxicity is a great way to decribe the process. I ruthelessly weed my garden, I need to apply some of that same thing to my life!
lefty--I've always had a hard time making anything be about me--I was raised in a family where the females always catered to the males, so being single, I'm expected to be available whenever someone wants me for something, but if I asked for something (company going to an appointment) it's only available if it's convenient. I've turned to freinds and get much more dependable support.
bf--the way your husband is treating you is despicable. Do you have somewhere you can go to get away from him and his daughter? Can you stay with a friend or another family member? We only get one shot at this part of the treatment, and beigna ble to take care of yourself makes a huge difference between getting through it safely and having a lot of problems now and later.
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Well there are many, but the most recent remark came from my sister. I have lymphedema and have one arm fully wrapped with a glove on the other hand. She avoided speaking to me during my treatment because she felt I got " too much attention" for my mastectomies...and because" its no big deal anyway, not like brain cancer"...
When we were sitting together for a Christmas photo, the first in years, I had a holiday sleeveless top on because the house was unbearably warm ( in the 80's). When it came time for the photo to be snapped she pointed to my wrapped arm and said: " get that out of the picture, or hide it somehow..."
I left the arm where it was and realized she was and is a perpetual doofus...
Moogie
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Moogie--she called your arm "that"? How totally out of touch your sister is. I would have stepped out of the picture entirely, and when asked why told the family "My arm isn't welcome, and I'm attached to my arm." Well, I'd think about saying something like that, anyway. She really is a perpetual doofus indeed!
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Indeed! It was the first time in years my whole family was together, and at the holiday. She has the hoof in mouth disease even in the best of times. I think , if I were to put my Freud cap on....that she is afraid for herself. My mother got Lobular last year, and now with 2 of us proving to have boobalicious issues---I think she is afraid she may be next. Seeing the LE for the first time made her really have to confront the issue. Couldn;t tell herself I was fine..it was no big deal....
All the better. Maybe now she will leave denial behind and be properly screened herself !
Moogie
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Moogie, no one should ever be treated that way. I know you know that. You sound like one strong woman. I just wish you wouldn't have to use your strength to defend against people like your sister.
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Last month I learned my 12 years of being cancer free were over, BC mets
to my spine. I met with our Human Resource person to go over leave options
for my treatments, and anything else that should decide to pop up, when she
said I didn't have it as bad as others. i set her straight right away...that's one thing about
having cancer, why bite your tongue...afterwards I always say, it's the medication talking.
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cancersuks: I am very sorry to hear that you have had a recurrence. It is just inbelievable what comes out of some people's mouths! I 'm glad that you let the Human Resources person have a piece of your mind.Take care, TCK0
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Thank you Hannahbearsmom!
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cancersuks: This from a person in Human Resources? If metastatic cancer isn't bad, what is? She'd probably say someone's death was better than someone else's for some bizarre reason. I'm glad you straightened her out. "It was the medication talking" is a good excuse, though!0
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Thank you NativeMaine....It's the old contradiction of looking ok
on the outside and people thinking you aren't really ill. It's a catch-22
sometimes I think if I look really sick people will be nicer. But why
should I have to prove anything to anyone. I like what my oncologist
tells me, I'm entitled to having a life, I still get my hair and nail done so I guess
I don't fit people's conception of ill.
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Don't you just love the way people who have never had a cancer diagnosis seem to know better than anyone else how someone who IS diagnosed should look./act/live once? You're right, we don't have to prove anything to anyone. I'm still glad you told the HR dummy off.
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Whenever this topic comes up I am unable to resist the urge to add my favorite thing someone said to me:
Friend: "Gee, where do you park when you go in for your chemo?" (Note: Parking in downtown Boston is notoriously nightmarish.)
Me: "Actually, Dana Farber has a garage attached for patients."
Friend: "LUCKY!" (Exicted, slightly envious tone, think Napoleon Dynamite.)
Me: Blank stare
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Second favorite:
Me: Standing poolside wearing a bikini. (Note: I'm tiny, and have "nearly A" size boobs.)
Acquaintance: "So, did you have a mastectomy?"
Me: "Um, no." (Note: I had a tiny tumor, and surgeon did great job with lumpectomy. Due to radiation, cancer side is actually slightly larger than non-cancer side.)
Did I mention I was wearing a BIKINI???
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ROTFLOL! Yes, I know these things are not funny to hear, but the mental pictures I've gotten are priceless! I've come to a conclusion--getting a cancer diagnosis autmatically and immediately increases a person's IQ by 500%, while decreasing the IQ of every one who speaks to the diagnoses person by 50%. It's the only explantion I can think of for all the dumb and stupid stuff that people say when the answer is staring them in the face--did she mention she was wearing a BIKINI?
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CMB --- There was a line in Cheers -- Dr. Crane to Woody ........ Woody, you have a remarkable talent for stating the obvious.
Woody being Woody, didn't understand the slight and thanked Dr. Crane.
Perhaps your acquaintance has a remarkable talent for asking the obvious?
Or maybe she is just Woody in disguise. With the IQ shifting NativeMainer outlined, it might be possible.
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NativeMariner - my two are funny, at least I think so! The best part about the "did you have a mastectomy?" one was telling my friend about it, and watching her double over and twist her legs together in an attempt not to pee in her pants!
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One of my favorite funny stories comes from my hairdresser. She called me the day before I had an appointment to remind me and ask if I could come in a little earlier. That call happened to come the day after the lumpectomy/SNB and I was still pretty fogged out. I told her that I would not be up to keeping the appointment because I had just had surgery for breast cancer. Her response: "Oh, my god, did they shave ALL your hair?" HUH? Either I said or she heard "brain" cancer instead of breast cancer! I was too far out of things to respond to that. When I had my next hair appointment she asked me all the usual questions--did they get it all, has it spread, will I be getting chemo--and then asked if they did the surgery through my nose! I thought she had lost her mind for a minute! When I told her no, my breast was so big they did it through my shirt the look on her face was priceless. The entire shop was ROTFLOL when we finally realized what she thought and what I meant!
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NM...........that's priceless.
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HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
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I can just picture that hairdressers confused face...LOL!!!
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Some thoughtless, lame comments made to me during diagnosis and treatment still stand out in my mind:
1. A friend I thought would be there for me just had such a hard time with my diagnosis and depression from said diagnosis. She said to me, "It's really hard to see your friend suffer." Hello, I'm the one who has cancer! She wasn't in touch much through the worst of treatment.
2. My oncologist, who really is a good guy, said to me, "Why is everyone so afraid of cancer? If your diagnosis was cardiomyopathy, your odds would be a lot worse."
3. My coworker, on hearing that I never wear a bra since silicone implants, calls me "Lucky!"
4. A neighbor, when talking about a woman who had passed away from bc, said, "It was a blessing since she was in so much pain." Thanks for that scary possibility!
5. My own mother said to me, after I told her I was feeling so depressed, "How do you think I feel?! I'm miserable..." and she proceeded to tell me all that was wrong in her life, which did not include a life threatening illness.
6. Then there were the people who looked at me like I was doomed, and I ended up having to comfort them.
Oh, I could go on and on! Unfortunately, one learns to truly "be there" for others going through tragic circumstances by going through something like cancer.
All the best,
Catherine
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On Christmas Eve, I went to my best friend's house for their annual party. Upon walking in, I ran into her sister-in-law who ran up to me, gave me a big hug and immediately told me that her friend who had breast cancer just died.
Merry Christmas, I thought.
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