The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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When I checked in to get my port the receptionist told me she was walking for me that weekend? Really? Me? I was speechless. She didn't even know me.
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Oh Geez, why did your friend tell you that! I am glad you posted this because I get so mad when people say things that seem stupid to me. I do understand that people just dont know what to say but it doesnt make it any easier to hear. I really really hate the "It will be alright" for some reason. How do they know that? And the keep your chin up sort of things makes me want to tell them to keep their blankey blank chins up. GRRRRRRR! I was feeling so angry that I have started telling people that I am tired of talking about it so lets talk about other things. They are more than willing to do that as its so uncomfortable for them. BTW, keep your chin up and it will be OK LOL
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When I was first diagnosed with BC, I tried to cheer myself up by thinking, "Oh no. In addition to surgery, chemo, and rads, now I will have to do forced marches, festoon myself with pink ribbons, and wear pink in general forever." I do not see the point of the all the walks either. I would much prefer that friends just visit with me instead of walking miles and miles.
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I would much rather people sent their donations directly to the research project of their choice than to organizations that siphon off so much for administration and in the case of Susan K maintaining a staff of lawyers to sue little local organizations that use "the cure" in their fund raisers for local cancer fund raisers. Last year they threatened a couple in Eastern Washington who used the phrase in their attempt to raise money for the Seattle research hospital that helped their child.
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After my diagnosis my parents started sending me books. "The Secret", "The Laws of Attraction" and some other piece of crap - they all basically imply that if I would only think good, positive thoughts I would attract good things to myself, instead of misfortunes like ill health and breast cancer. Not trying to knock anyone who gets something out of those books, but that philosphy simply does not work in my life.
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I never liked that movie "Pollyanna." I felt like smacking her in her little insipid face and that's the way I feel about anyone spouting the "just be positive" bs. I get it.
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Where does someone who does not have cancer get off telling me/us how to feel about having cancer??????????
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I DID IT! Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
I knew it was coming when I heard "was your hair that color before you lost it?"
The whole "your hair looks great, growing fast blah, blah, blah, people pay a lot of $$ for that look!" was given to me today, again. But I was ready.
My reply, quite innocently delivered mind you, "Oh, I paid."
But of course they were oblivious.
Which brings me to another topic. My hair being "lost". Was your hair "lost"? I know I didn't misplace it, didn't ever go search for it either. Had it buzzed off as it started to leave me. The hair falls out, an expected side effect of chemo that I was much too aware would happen. Lost..really? REALLY?! This wasn't someone I know well, so the making polite conversation aspect just pisses me off in a way I can't explain.
Would anyone ask a bald man what his hair was like before it vacated his noggin?! I don't think so. And they sure wouldn't ask him, "do you think it'll be curly or straight when it grows back cause I know someone who...."
End of rant. Deep cleansing breath. I feel better. Thank you. Stepping away from keyboard now.
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mebmarj, good for you! My hair wasn't "lost" either! I have a reasonably civilized relationship with my ex and one night a few weeks ago my son, my best friend and I met him for dinner. When I got out of the car to say hello to him, I noticed he had a stunned look on his face. He said, "Oh, I didn't know you had lost your hair!" I just rubbed my bald head and smiling, said "yep, ain't it great?" I have to say, he looked at me more during that dinner than he did in the last 10 years of our marriage. He also now reads my Care Page to keep up.
My girlfriend told me later that if my son hadn't been there she would have said "It's not lost you stupid ****, she knows right where it is!"
It's good to have friends!
Phyllis
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I have read what I missed since my last post, but it makes it difficult, for so many people going through so many stupid outrageous things
Gm Certainly hope your out of the house or get him out. Restraining order. Call who ever and cancel all credit cards that have both your names on then, Empty the bank account and open a new one. You should be able to b/c you are still employed.Contact the three -credit check people and put a block on him accessing credit with your name. As previously recommended either get a divorce lawyer or go to Legal aid.----Legal aid is Pro Bono or hired lawyers that do only work for an identified income group--Don't know what the income limits are.
Tell this miscreant to go back to his mom and let her support him. Any discussion of BC-----she didn't have a clue about hers , how can she comment on yours. There are so many types and grades and genetic typying, that's why they have oncologist to figure it out. Where was Mom trained and what is her speciality?
Gm I'm sorry , so sorry your son committed suicide.You dropped that in a line. No one around a suicide victim ever quite gets over it b/c we feel we should have seen it coming , could have done more, prevented it.-------something. Been there, attempted it. Survived it.. I would have been the last one anyone would have expected to do it. What I learned, is what I have just said above. Your Loss and pain b/c he was angry at you as you stated at the time, DOES NOT MAKE YOU RESPONSIBLE, but his anger and despair started long before that time. What caused him to do it truly , likely had nothing to do with you. You may have had a situation that you two had a fight. One fight , that leads to suicide is beyond rare. Even if you had many "fights" as Moms have with trying to raise children. If you weren't abusive----verbally, physically, emotionally----Please you need to stop blaming yourself.-----I heard in your words that you are blaming yourself still after so many years. I wish you could seek therapy, but I know money is tight. Who knows may be he had a Sandusky in his life and just couldn't deal with it.
You have so much to deal with-----we all get it. Others have given you great advice. My advice is please, let your anger go over the death of your son. He is gone and you can't change this however much you want , however much you miss him. Love him still, if you pray, pray for him and yourself. If prayer is not in your belief system-------still hold him in your heart that you loved him as deeply and strongly as any mom could.
If someone is intent on suicide, as much as all of us would like to believe that we can stop them------we can't-------that is why , please, stop blaming yourself. Please Gm reread this post several times. Remember, I said I'd been there as a a young adult. My words for you have to sink in deep in to your sad heart and mind. That can only be done by rereading this post to you , as much as it takes for you to finally understand--------your weren't responsible. With much love sheila
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There's an expression I heard about 20 years ago that has helped me deal with the many, many things I did wrong in my life.
"You are guilty, but you are not to blame."
That means that yes, you did do that horrid thing, or allow something to happen, but it was not in your control. We all come up against something we are not quite sure how to handle and we second-guess ourselves time after time. The energy spent doing this just saps the life out of your soul....
It doesn't mean you go blithely along, doing whatever you want, damn the consequences! It means that you do have some accountability, but the situation was not yours to control completely. To assume that we have total control is Godly aspirations. We don't have that.
Thank God!
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I met a woman shortly after her son killed himself. it was a horrible way to die. He jumped from the 12 floor, inside the NYU library. I became close with her because we shared the loss of a child. She was completely immersed in the law of attraction - even a coach of some sort. After spending about 6 months with her I backed away.. there was something about the energy that wasn't right. I still don't know what it is but as far as I know she still practices it.
I am a spiritual being. I believe in the power of now. I am upbeat, happy, positive. I accept responsibility for my failures and my accomplishments. I think... and I really believe this, that we or .. I'll just say "I" signed up for this. That I wanted to learn certain lessons and that this is how I'm learning them. No matter how hard the hit is, I just want to learn and grow from it. That is what I have done with my son's death and I will do the same with cancer.
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Barbe.. I like that quote!!!
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I finally got on your blog ... you are, indeed a clever, articulate and funny writer. I will go back and catch up. The law of attraction ... is that like if you're positive only positive things will happen - WRONG!
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Thanks Kathleen! Now, if only I can get that book deal, and then the movie deal, then the money for the insurance, etc...
one reader at a time, I'll get there. 0 -
I know you will!
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I am hoping to find out the biopsy results on my "good breast" by Friday. If I hear its DCIS the first person I call is the woman who said, "At least you only have cancer in one breast"
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or you cold soe here and get some support for it instead...depends on what emotion rules that day.
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Chabba! That is so disgusting about susan k going after others who want to help!!! Agh.
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I am so glad that those of you that are in the zero to two stage get it..this is serious and you need to focus on yourselves and get rid of the silly nonsense around you.....people that have not experienced your condition just have no clue....so you do what you must do to live as normally as possibly and cry your eyes out at night with those of us that are enduring the very same thing......many of us totally get you and love you for sharing your tribulations.....thank you
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Yeah...my so called best friends told me that I was in wrong thinking and that my cancer was dead and needed hypnotized and that my pain was perceived..and then said this,that my cancer was brought on by myself and told me to read a silly book or two to get me in right thinking and that my mind would cure it...guess what! They are full of you know what!!!!!
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OK,this wasn't actually said to me, and may be slightly off topic here, but this am while scanning Facebook I noticed one of my friends posted what looks like is from some kind of ap a What will happen to Friend in 2012. Her's was "Go Bald." All I could think of is that she would get bc and become bald from chemo. I could not see the humor in that one, even though my friend obviously did. Am I the only one whose mind would go immediately to the beast when seeing something like that? Again, she wasn't saying this to me, specifically, it was just a game thing, but it almost made me cry. I had to get up and walk away from the computer so I would send her a snide message about cancer and chemo and baldness not being funny. Am I overly sensitive?
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Maggie ... who are these idiots? Is this that positive thinking BS? If we could all cure cancer with "positive thoughts" we would put a lot of people in cancer research out of work! Give that "best friend" a lot of leeway.
NM ... no you are not being overly sensitive. Your friend is being senseless.
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Native- no you are not too sensitive. I think a bunch of us think along the same lines cause we've been there and those who laugh haven't, either they are oblivious or scared $hitless.
Was going to post on my FB about not traveling anywhere anytime soon, cause that's the coded message to all the "pretty ladies" about bc awareness this year. "don't tell the men!" Really? My birthday in code has nothing to do with awareness or confusing men. It just irritates me. I have received the message to participate and pass it on from three people in the last week. I'm well AWARE. Too AWARE. Every time I look in the mirror, change my clothes, roll over in bed on a sleepless night- I'm AWARE. I just want to scream, cut the BS, it's not fun, it's not cute in code, the men really should be reminded to take care of themselves and remind the women in their lives to as well. But here I can say it quite plainly cause I'm preaching to the choir.0 -
Thanks for the reassurance! My friend didn't actually send that to me, it was a Fb post, she enjoys playing those aps that supposedly tell you something about yourself. She is young, healthy, about to graduate from college, and clueless about bc. I truly hope she stays that way.
mebmarj--I, too, do not like those bc "awareness" things. I do not see where they do the least bit of good. I ignore them, but they do irritate me. So I come here and rant and rave and get it out of my system. And why exclude men? Proportionally more men with bc will die of the beast, they need to be even more aware! Sigh.
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Maggie, that just reminded me of something someone in a crystal / alternative therapy shop said. I went in to ask about a particular crystal a practitioner friend of mine told me about to help with breast cancer. The assistant in the shop told me that 'you signed up for this path when your soul came back to earth'. Did I? I dont remember seeing that contract. I dont remember her being there. Well I never, and there was me thinking I was pretty good at reading the small print :-). Maybe she was my celestial lawyer...
She didnt know the name of the crystal I wanted either. (not that I thought it would heal me or anything, but it couldnt hurt to try!).0 -
My religion teaches that we did accept our lot in life but I'm pretty sure when they told me my parents names I definitely heard Rothchild! And since I am always in such a hurry, I completely missed the fine print (probably lost my reading glasses again)!
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I've seen those stupid posting of FB about what will happen to a person in 2012 along with the "secret codes" so as not to include the men. My closest friends and family know the deal and while I love FB I don't post anything about BC there. It's my escape and fun for game playing etc when I can't sleep or am bored. I'm not about to turn it into a BC soapbox! My MIL keeps posting stuff about "if you or someone you know has been touched by BC BS stuff". I know she means well but I don't hit like or repost. Mind you her sister just went through the whole deal last year. We PRIVATE message eachother only, she totally undersands and been unbeleivable supportive and funny too.
I am finding however that since my DX and decision to go forward with chemo has people in a tizzy like it affects them or something. Even some telling me not to put that "poison" in me and why wouldn't I just roll the dice. Everyone knows someone that didn't pursue further treatment after a MX and they're "fine". Mind you when questioned, they don't have any idea about what type of tumor, what stage, what grade blah, blah, blah. Isn't BC just BC. Uh, no! Don't you think I wish it were that simple?
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I completely agree that those FB games about awareness are annoying and immature. When forwarded the private message to play along, I replied "enough about awareness, how about a cure"? I think there is a lot of awareness (thankfully), but it annoys me that my "friends" who donate a lot of time and money to BC awareness through walks, runs, and now this "muddy girl" thing have no idea that the vast majority of their money is going to support the foundation itself and awareness. Very small percentage going towards research....
As far as people questioning your treatment options, 99% of women don't even know that there are different types of BC, let alone grade, stages, etc.
I really think the upcoming film about the pinking of America (not sure of exact title) will be a huge eye opener. I plan on posting it on my FB page.....0 -
mom
I totally agree with you about the whole "awareness" thing. A friend of mine recently suggested we do a fund raiser and donate it to the Canadian Breast Cancer Society. I told her not on my behalf please. She was very surprised but I explained to her that donating might make her feel good, most of the money goes to administration and not research. People really beleive that they are doing good but I am not interested in keeping their top brass in six fiigure salaries. What interest to they really have in finding a cure? Zero! Their intersted lies in their salaries or adding it to their resumes as far as I'm concerned.
Lets not forget the pharma companies while were at it. Making huge money at both ends of the spectrum. Feeding the animals we eat growth hormones and then "curing" our cancer. I could go on. I'm in a mit of a mood today, just had my IV port installed LOL! Can't wait to see the movie. Like I have said since I have been DX. More and more men are getting the same DX, lets just see how many more it happens to and THEN we might see some action in respect to a cure!
Love your comeback, may have to borrow that one.
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