The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Here's one: I had a BMX last May and finished TE reconstruction in the fall. For a belated Christmas gift, my mother-in-law just gave me a used copy of Susun Weed's Breast Health book. I said, "You do realize I don't technically have breasts, right?" (As I said to my husband, would she give "Improve your Vision Naturally" to a blind friend?!)
Later, out of curiousity, I flipped through the book. The pages I saw were:
- A celebration of our breasts as special and sacred parts of us. Grrr.
- A long list of foods to eat to prevent cancer (most of which I've eaten often throughout my life and got cancer anyway). Grr. Grrrr.
- The author's assertion that any woman who is in touch with her body can detect cancerous changes in her breasts, and that mammograms should be avoided (Susun Weed has never had one) because (she says) the dangers of radiation are greater than the benefits of mammography.
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Jadeblue- you really put that book to good use- therapeutic exercise thru shredding! Wow.
Here's a new one... said just the other day.
"Wow, look at the hair! It's growing in so fast! Do you think it will be curly? And its such a pretty gray! People pay big money for color like that!"
In hindsight, instead of the " um, thanks?" i replied, I'd like to offer the following should any of you be in the same situation.
"hair? what hair? OMG there's hair up there?!"
"Curly or not it's warmer than my previous doo!"
"grey hair?! holy $hit the highway was stressful today, but who knew it was that bad!"
"Big money for this? Hell, its one of the most chemoically treated you can possibly get!"
"It not garnier or clairol over the counter, a special mix- just ask for the carbo/taxotere cocktail!"
and I welcome any others you may have.
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Green monkey. Loved your blog. Only other catstir patients can laugh at this stuff. Hang in there and come here to share often. It helps!
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GreenMonkey, Welcome! I loved your blog. I was diagnosed on October 3, 2011. I'm still alternating between rage, let's-get-on-with-it, anger, rage, distrust of the whole medical system, anger, rage and fatigue. As you said, rage fuels fights and this is definitely a fight, so at this point I'm pretty okay with my rage. Later on it may consume too much energy, but right now, it's still good.
You have compiled a great list of stupid things people have said to you...and in only 5 days!
I don't know if there is a plan or a purpose for those of us who get cancer. To me it's entirely random, but random or planned or purposeful, I've got it and will have to deal with it. I will do that will all of the tools in my little toolbox.
Mebmarj, I love your comebacks. I will need some sticky notes to remember them...maybe color coded. Haha, that will be very effective! Scene: Incoming hair comment - Phyllis scrambles to find PINK note that says "hair? what hair? OMG there's hair up there?!" Phyllis then reads note to stupid comment sayer and smiles innocently.
Catstir sucks. Amen.
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Jennt28, that receptionist is a dumbass! Not only was that remark unhelpful, it's inaccurate. There is no correlation between chemo's efficacy and how bad the SEs are.0
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GreenMonkey, I enjoyed your blog. Keep writing, and I'll keep reading.
Mebmarj, I DID pay big money for my grey, curly hair style. I have private insurance, and in 2011, I maxed out my $7500 out of pocket expenses. That doesn't include the co pays for all of the office visits. Now it's 2012, so the shelling out for it begins all over again.
BC is an expensive and unwelcome visitor that just won't go home.
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Okay this thread and the cheezed threads are my favorites! I haven't posted yet but I must today.
My mom was going on and on about my aunt who is having back/neck issues and may not be able to garden for two years. Really, do I care? So, I said well I might not be able to lift my arms over my head ever after surgery and I don't know if I will be alive in two years. Guess what she said? Lisa, I can't deal with that. I can only live day to day. Are you kidding me? She's 74 and I'm only 46. Ugh. But she can worry about my 64 aunt and her lack of gardening time! She goes home today!
No, I'm not adopted but I'm not convinced.0 -
I have not had really "out-there" statements made. I do however, get really tired of the "God has a plan" and "turn it all over to Him." Really?
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bgail84 - I completely agree with you! I don't mean to or want to offend everyone in this thread. But I am still coming to terms with why God's plan included BC for me??
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Just happened between me and a no-longer-my-friend: It's the end of a long day (we work together) and we are in my office. I have been very open about my trials and tribulations since my BC diagnosis, as well as, thru surgery and treatment. I actually, mistakenly thought this person was my friend. I say: "Man, this wig feels like a vise. It's litterally crushing my head." She looks up from acrossed the desk. We are facing one another. I reach back with my left hand and lift the back of the wig away from my skull, reach around with the right hand and rub my neck and and the back of my head. She immediately recoils, pushing herself away from my desk with all of her might, gasps with both hands covering her mouth and yells: "I CAN NOT BELIEVE YOU JUST DID THAT IN FRONT OF ME!" and runs out of the room.
Yeah, that really happened. The bald lady going thru chemo scared the lady with hair, cancer-free boobs and an intact immune system. Boo-freakin-hoo.
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Bgail, When I hear "God has a plan" I usually say "Let me know what he tells you because he always told me he would strike me with a lightning bolt and never once mentioned cancer." I try to edit the ones I say that to, but sometimes it just jumps out of my mouth.
GR4C1E, Now is the time to go for the bald look.
Phyllis
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GR4C1E ... does she have the same reaction when she sees a bald man ... was she frightened by Mr. Clean as a child ... what is so damn objectionable?
Bgail84 ... your avatar looks just like my cat, Oliver.
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Oh gra4cie, I would so be showing up bald!
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Next time I would do this to her...
I reach back with my left hand and lift the back of the wig away from my skull, reach around with the right hand and rub my neck and and the back of my head.
When she starts looking uptight...
Pull the wig off in front of her an chase her with it.
I did something close to that. The first time and last time I wore my wig I got a lot of compliments. I felt so self conscious about it. The stupid wig was itchy and I did not feel like myself in it. My friend comes over to me and says how much she likes it. I whipped the thing off my head and gave it to her. Her eyes popped out of her head and her mouth hit the ground. I laughed. We are still friends.
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bump
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You are so right barbe1958, I even didnt know ...I told my surg that I thought she (I somehow ended up with all girl drs?? The guy dr story and his dumb staff.above... so a nurse told me to come out to the beach hosp and she would get me a surg. When I got to the app,t it was a girl surg! And she is one smart cookie!) I told her I thought she would just bring an ax and chop off my breasts and now its so complicated with biopsies and MRIs and tests. She says she is promising not to do an ax,she says she doesnt like the harmony blade and uses surgical scissors to operate and she even talked with the PS about getting me the skin sparing masx. They are terrific. She said no port cause after all I may not need chemo..hmmm, really? admitting we might need to ask an oncologist? My friend who has a cosm implant was shocked,she says why cant you keep the nips...uh cause they might have cancer..duh. Then she told me she got double D implants and I should get that size!! People that size have surg to downsize,guess she didnt know that. I am very petite and sure that would look like a dairy cow udder on me..no no I dont wanna stray too far from me..just a slight upgrade to be able to throw out all the padded bras thx very much."Theres always a siren singing you to shipwreck, dont reach out" (from song There There by Radiohead)
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OMG! Kathleen! Frightened by Mr. Clean as a child.........L had not thought of that. Still laughing at the idea. Thanks, I needed that. And to all, this wig is coming off! If something that ridiculous freaked her out, this is going to be awesome!
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I think my mom is in total denial that I have BC. So, I went around the house all morning today without one of my hats on. I haven't wanted anyone to see me bald. Well, today I thought she needed a lasting impression that I do have BC and I have no hair! I don't think she liked it but she didn't say anything at the time. But when she was leaving for the airport (she lives across the country from me and was visiting obviously for too long) she said I could have one day a week to feel sorry for myself. Really? I haven't gone there in front of her ever (only a few times in the shower early on) and I can do it hourly if I want!
GR4C1E - I thought you were going to take it off. You really need to wip it off in front of her! I'd love to see her face!
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mebmarj: LOL!! like the most chemically treated.....good one.
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mebmarj ... I liked that too - the most chemically treated!
Gr4c1e ... as if you don't have enough on your mind - take the wig off and give it to her! Maybe that will help her phobia! Love you!
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Discussing with one of my best (!) friends,the very quick referral of a women we vaguely know, I said how pleased for her I was that from her first visit to her doc, to her diagnosis and treatment, was less than a month and that maybe something good came out of the same doc dismissing my lump and symptoms for nine months before I got referred. Her response? 'You were only stage 0, she was stage II'. I said yes, that wasnt my point, I know she was more advanced and thank goodness they moved quickly, but I wished that my doc had taken it a bit more seriously more quickly, and that I had questioned it more rather than accept what I was told. I then had a lengthy (drunken) lecture on how a doctor makes a decision and a long defence of the medical service (shes works for the health service in an admin position, but isnt medically qualified).
It's not the first time shes made reference to me only having DCIS or only being stage 0. I know I'm very lucky, and I'm certainly not prone to feeling sorry for myself, but I'm pretty sure I would put a friends feelings before defending some process which has undeniably failed for me.
Sorry, needed to vent or I wouldnt have slept, and I know you guys will understand :-)
Caroline xxx0 -
Caroline ... I, too, "only" had DCIS, stage 0. When people say that to me I want to retort - should I have waited until it was a later stage before doing anything about it? And who knows at what point it does advance. All cancer should be treated seriously and quickly. How many times does one have to hear that there is a better prognosis when "caught early." Quite frankly I am sick of hearing it was "only stage 0 or DCIS." I still lost my breasts - yes, we are lucky but we still lost our breasts! You and I still have to mark down that we've had cancer and insurance companies could discriminate against us if they could. And I agree, they should have moved quickly on yours.
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Ok I just had the weirdest thing said to me by a BC (3 years out) survivor if you can believe it. I currently reviewed my path report with the ON (Chemo and Rad) two days ago. I have been keeping everyone updated via email because its way too time consuming to get on the phone 50 times telling the same story over and over again. I have a big family and alot of girlfriends! I am still in decision mode in respect to further therapy and was just at a birthday celebration for a dear freind this evening. I was speaking to a friend that I have known for 40 years (Im 49) and she was quitely asking if I had made any decision so far. She had a 17 year old nephew that is going through cancer treatment so is quite conversant on the issues at hand. I told her which way I was leaning although my mind is quite not made up. The BC survivor leans in (and we were having quite the quiet conversation) saying " you must be nuts! I would never have done that! Why wouldn't you take the path of least resistance?!".
I should preclude that I am leaning toward chemo, no rads, plus hormonal therapy. She decided rads only which is totally fine. I guess I have one of those faces LOL, but I said to her "Jane, it's my decision whatever it its dont you think??!!" She came over later and said " I really shouldn't have said that, I'm sorry". I am so sick even this far of trying to explain my choices even if they end up being "doing nothing"! BTW this cancer survivior had NO idea when questioned what her Grade was, what her HER status was, she didn't have a copy of her pathology report because as she put it "she didn't want to know".
Sorry, this stuff sucks, but I want to know.
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dear catstir friends,
you are my new facebook. my new blog. my new husband. my new best friend.
please take me to bed. help me rest. tell me it will be okay. I am so lost. I am so sad.
I lost so much so fast and I am at stage 0 in my journey...
everything I had is gone..... PUFFFFF gone!
the day before I was diagnosed my husband lost his job. Our insureance ends at the end of this month. we are down to one income. its mine and I'm not functioning well.
I can't even focus on my illness, instead I'm focused on bullshit.
my husband can't handle my illness and this has had an explosive effect on our relationship. I can't sleep. I can't focus. I can't socialize. I can't act normal. I can't eat. I can't be anything I was before. Oh.. and now I can't write on my blog anymore.. the one thing that kept me sane. that fueled my soul.
I managed to distroy my life in one weeks time since my diagnosis. I am suck a fuck up.
My husband is leaving me. supposedly its temporary. I am the evil one according to his family. I don't mean to tease, its not like that, It's just so hard to explain in words .. and I'm a writer.
I will try again tomorrow. I hope I sleep tonight.
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yep, myleftboob... I too want to know everything. I recent'y spoke to my mother in law who is a breast cancer survivor and she doesn't even know what kind of cancer she had and she doesn't want to know. people tell me I am "focusing too much on it" ..... and worse, there is a small bizzare group of vultures - people that were no longer in my life for a reason - that have resurfaced because they want to get a good long look at my pain.
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Green Monkey, you are a talented writer and this will not be gone (for long). You are being sent down a path that is scary and very unknown. You have walked these scary, unknown paths before, they were different, they may not have taken you where you wanted to go. But they took you somewhere, and here you are today starting another one of those unknown journeys.
My daughter has a tat called the circle of chaos. I think of that circle often. Because my life seems to draw chaos to it like a magnet. Some of the chaos I allowed, some I instigated purposely, and some just jumped out of nowhere. When I received my diagnosis I decided the chaos dragons were no longer allowed. Ativan is a secret weapon that can hold them at bay until I can put them away where they belong. Sometimes the circle of chaos wakes up all the snakes in my head, they squirm, slither, and basically prevent any logical thought to surface. I can't think, I can't make decisions, I find it impossible to do the things that I know are good for me like sleeping. Ativan calms the snakes and I visualize them lining up in straight rows and slinking back into their cages.
Hang on Green Monkey - it is a ride, one you did not buy a ticket for. Get some help - friends, here on BCO, retail therapy, even prescription drugs. We are here for you and feel your hurt, know your anger, and understand your fears.0 -
Yep Jen I agree when I hear those bubbly 20 yr olds call me from the drs office I wanna ring their cute little necks. The surg I fired...his crazy surgery date scheduler called me about 12 times in one day,one voice msg was "Hello I just got the greatest news for you. Your surg is tommorrow. Just show up this afternoon at the anesthesia to get tested and theres the SNB and surg 2moro show up at 7 with your $2000 money for each surgeon..Wow isnt it great!" Called me back later and said she changed it to the 31st but never told me Dec 31 or Jan 31..wish she would dial down her perky meter so her brain could realize that me and the surg gotta be in the OR at the same time which is why I finally told her to take her butt to the well and jump in cause Lassie dont care! Fired that surg & her. You have to excuse me I had to give up my bio id hormones and so I have been like a PMS b___ch for days now.
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WTF- Whaaat the cluck-----so much for all of you. I'm spilling my drink all over me just reading your posts. Okay I dried off and refilled the drink.---------what the hell is going on? Green monkey------your new husband wants to leave you, His Mom had Bc------------why THE CLUCK IF SHE HAD BC AND SURVIVED-------------WHY DOES YOUR NEW HUSBAND Want TO ---------LEAVE------DUH-----------HE HAD A SURVIVOR IN HIS FAMILY----WHY DOES HE NOT BELIEVE YOU CAN BE A SURVIVOR ALSO.
Doesn't make sense. He lost his job -------not your fault----------he goes out and finds another job------may not pay as much-------but get a job. ----If you are caring the medical insurance by your job-------do whatever has to be done to keep it.
Tell the family they have to keep you working to keep the medical insurance going.-------OR accept you will die. Their choice. If they do not support you-----------then you look at how to cut everyone of them out of your life-----BECAUSE they are telling you your life isn't important. So, you get rid of the husband.,that reduces your prienum at work. You work as much as you can Go to Human Resources File a n FMLA situation. Apply for Social Security Disability the next day-------All of us don't want to, but we don't know what the future holds with cancer. The clock on Social Security disability starts on day of application. There are other stories about it , but your situation------please--------go make the application. Sounds like I'm a bitch---------well I only get this way when I feel like someones is being abused. My prception is you are being abused
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well I made it til 4:00 instead of my usual time of 3:00 am. I'm sleeping in the cats room - ironic right (since I labeled my cancer as "catstir" on my blog).
I am crying again.
my husband is in our bedroom, he closed the door all the way but he did not lock it. According to my husband, he thinks I'm going to kill him while he sleeps.
if you had asked anyone two weeks ago, they would have told you what a wonderful marriage we had. that they loved the way he looked at me. that it was obvious that he loved me.
well its not obvious anymore.
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