The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Boy, they ought to put pictures of your husbands in the dictionary under "self-absorbed!"
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I have been asked many times now that my cancer treatment ( chemo and rads) is behind me if I am "cured". Anyone got a good response to that one?And sooooooooooo tired of hearing from friends/acquaintances that know I have breast cancer and want to share stories about people they know who DIED of breast cancer..geesh. Why is this insensitivity such a universal and widespread problem?0
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@ kerrberlady !!!!!!! What an a** and sounds so much like mine!! Thank you Charles!! ......I tried for so long to make it work......I have had many talks to my husband about what was happening to my love for him.......and he just got angry any time I tried to talk about anything....:(.....relationship, kids, our dogs, the house, money, work, our business, my breast cancer.......etc etc...he always turned everything around and made it about him......:( Consider him DUMPED!!!I totally agree kmccraw!!!!
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I have only been diagnosed since Feb 24 this year and even though everyone is SO trying to help and I have the best hubby and family and friends a person doing this could ask for, I have already grwon tired of responding to the "Is there anything I can do" or "Let me know if there is anything I can do" comments. I just ran out of answers. I jokingly told my hubby, "I should register at Target and say 'I'm registered at Target".
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LOL, that's perfect, Stacie! You'll need to have a camera to capture their jaw on the floor. You can watch it anytime you need a giggle!
It does help, Charles, to get validation from a man that we're not just being overly sensitive. And way to go for those ladies having their largest "tumors" removed so that they can't cause more trauma.
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EmilyInOntario, when I'm asked if I'm cured, I just say "There is no way to know if I am cured, no guarantee it won't be back". That's the truth. It's not a happy, sun-shiney kind of answer, but I figured since they asked, they can (should) handle the answer.0
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Oh Stacie I LOVE that!!!!
LeesaAnn Telling the truth is best I think
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Last week when I was trying to rush through smoke and fumes from DD's car to my house, our neighbor came into the yard and asked, "Did those pills get rid of your cancer?" (long story, but they worked on his dog's bone cancer and i told him about them)
"Not yet." And I went off on him.
I explained how we have lost everything including my health and one of our pets because of his outside wood boiler,
all our financial security except Hubby's job, we are moving, we were not even late on payments but we have filed foreclosure and bankruptcy in order to flee our home with no lien deficiency, to save my life. That we are spending $600 a month in summer for AC since we cannot open windows in cool days bcz of his OWB. That we spend out of pocket $900 a month on supplements and treatments to keep me from getting metastasis, if it works because of his OWB.
He said to me, "You know why you have cancer? Because you are from Gary, people in Gary always get cancer."
"I am NOT from Gary, I am from an organic world in the country, which is what I am supposed to be in here. Now please leave."
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Ok I have a new one. My GF regularly corresponds with me via email and text message after my treatments so see how I'm "feeling" after my TCH TX. Ok ok I shouldn't be so catty, at least she checks in. We were chatting back and forth and I say "well the good news is that my hair seems to be growing which kind of surprises me". She writes back, "Oh you lost your hair?". I replied "well it was coming out in droves so I had my HD shave it off about 3 weeks ago" and that I didn't know anyone that was doing chemo that get to keep their hair. She had no idea?! This girl was in the trenches when she lost her Mom to colon cancer 3 years ago unfortunatley. Her Mom had every TX out there to slow the progression and of couse on of the SE's were hair loss.
Anyway, no further emails from her, nothing. I don't know, mabey it brought back bad memories for her but this is a girl I've been friends with for over 30 years !
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I had one longtime friend disappear. I never would have expected that from her, so that really hurt. On the flip side, I've had people (acquaintances, really) that I didn't expect anything from, who have stepped up to the plate. Cancer really sorts out who your real friends are, doesn't it?
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Riley that's so true, and many of the best are right here
MLB----lost three friends to the cancer word, but found many better ones and just as Riley said some stepped up that I was surprised at, I'm definitely keeping those.
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My amazingly supportive and wonderful hubby was cleaning out the garage last night and he kept running in and asking me, "Are you ever gonna use _______ again?" When he asked me if I was ever going to ride my bike again, I lost it. I said, "Can you please rephrase? Like, do you want this anymore?"
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Cancer does open up your eyes to the people that really care for you for who you are and not what you can give them. Both times around, I have had people around me that get weird with me. I am finding this time that it is easier to let them go, than the first time around. I have to fight for my life, I'll be damned if I will fight for a friendship that obviously the other person doesn't care about. I have distanced myself from a whole group of people. I guess because I don't look sick, haven't lost my hair to treatment, keeping a good attitude and continuing to work, people think I'm all done and all healed and the cancer is gone, so let's attack me because I refuse to allow you to have pity parties around me about your job????? All I said was quit if you're not happy, but don't complain about your life to me, I got problems of my own.
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That is so very true. My bff or so I thought of 26 years as soon as I was diagnosed she kept distancing herself. Its been almost a year and half since we spoke. I even broke down and emailed her and sked her what happened... no response. everyonce inawhile on a holiday or bday she will send me a txt and then when I respond no respone back... what is that about? either yhou are in or you are not we were never part time friends and im not going to start.. so at some point it is time to let goo..KERRBERLADY.... You are so right we are fighting for our lives dont need to be fighting for a friendship as well!
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I let go of alot of so called friends who just seem to disapear after my DX.You really find out who your good friends are durring bad times.
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Oh I so need to do this!!!
My cousins who are "concerned" tell my mother they are "afraid to bother me" so they don't call. Meanwhile the "kids" who I used to baby sit and are grown up are taking turns with meals and sending giftcards to restaurants for to go food. Blood is thicker than water? Not!
My neighbor (whose current wife is an angel and says all the right things) asked me how I was feeling (they know I'm going through chemo) then proceeded to tell me "that's just how my first wife felt. Then she died." Are you really that dumb and if so how do you even tie your own shoes in the morning???
My other neighbor who asked me if I could watch her snot nosed whiney 4 year old next week since it's an off week for chemo.Just because you see me out for a walk does not mean I'm super woman or that I have an immune system you idiot!
My favorite: My husband asked me if "this" means I want him to cut the grass this year. I love you dear but sometimes I wish you'd go (fill in the blank).
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Wow is all I can say when people say things they shouldn't. I call it Tourette's syndrome of inappropriateness and I am hoping they create a "Pill" we can give them. This experience really teaches you how to comfort others and what to say to support them knowing what has helped me. I too have been surprised at the outpouring of love from people some of whom I only knew their first names and then there are others who I thought were my friends who disappeared.
I have three sisters and only one has reached out to me since my diagnosis. One sister who is closest to me in age actually got mad at me and made it all about her. I told her she needs a time out and to keep her distance until she can work through her issues because right now I need to concentrate on healing.
I think the most interesting part of all of this is people who make it all about them even while you are going through treatment. I have always been the caregiver, oldest child and resourceful friend and when I was diagnosed I decided I would spend time and energy on getting well and not be the counselor to the needy friends who still talk about their life, their needs, their feelings, and their hard time dealing with my cancer. As I clean out closets, organize for spring, I am also letting go of people who are really not friends. I think this is a blessing to use this opportunity to fill your life with people who love you and support you. When I give inspirational keynotes I tell people to think of your life like a stage - who do you want in the front three rows and who needs to move to the balcony because everyone looks good in the balcony - far enough away to smile and wave at them
Make it a great day.Joke - my friend sent me a card this week that said, "When people ask you why you are wearing a scarf on your head, tell them you are a pirate and there won't be any second questions!"
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Brooke
I absolutley love love lovethe theatre analogy!!!
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Because I'm new to BC or it is new to me I've had to learn as I go and try to spare my friends and some family member some of the worry by making the statement..... " I ONLY have some cells that can sometime be a warning of cancer down the road, so I'll be getting tested and doing what ever make the risks smaller" this said instead of trying to explain LCIS, ADH, multiple calcification clusters and the high risk of invasive activity thus the reason for the 2 different biopsies and testing.... Well trying to gently let my brother know why I was not feeling too good and busy I told him the "gentle" version to have him reply "At least you don't have something that can kill you"...... OMG he is 60 years old and you'd think he be bright or compassionate enough not to even say such a thing....... The worst of is the people you need to have understand are often the calous ones with foot in mouth disease. Hope today someone gives you good news!
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got a new one today. Talkikng to a young man who has been friend of the family for years tonight. I told him and his new wife that I have moved into the survivor catagory. He then looks at me and says "so when are you gonna get boobs?" I stood a bit aback and said how do you know I haven't yet? He says..A guy can just tell. Then his wife asks me where I want to go as she is going to get hers done too. IDIOTS.
Maggie
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LOVE LOVE LOVE the theatre analogy as well. WOW, thank you so much, Brooke! That certainly puts things in perspective. I have had an amazing amount of friends "step up" and do amazing things for me. And then, like everyone else, some friends nothing. Absolutely nothing. I talked to one of them this week that has done nothing - a phone call or two, but it is never about me. Finally, because I've always been the counselor to all my friends, I said to him, "Would you like to know how I am?" because I am in month 4 of 5 months of chemo. And his response??? Drum roll....
"Not really. You sound good." And he hung up. Done with that 30 year friendship.
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Wow Denise is all I can say. "Not really"? Nice. I guess he doesn't even GET in to the theatre never mind the back row with an obstructed view.
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Denise, if we all put our stories in a book ----it would be said that we were lying. Who could make this stuff up? Hope you are doing well with coming through 4 out of 5 months of chemo. Blessings. May all that happens forward of this take none of your Joy and peace.
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You seriously cannot make this stuff up..
My Primary Doc (on a recent visit) said to me when I asked about seeing someone about the pain I was experiencing near my implant, "Surgery begats surgery!!"
Great maybe I should have just kept my two breast cancers then, my cancerous lymph nodes and more recently my 2 skin cancers!! WTH Oh yeah, and my two polyps I had taken out....
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OMG - today I got a letter from my insurance company, or at least a company that works for them.
The letter informed me that I had a procedure on 12.5.11, and that they were concerned that it was due to an injury or an accident, and that there may be a third-party liability. I was supposed to call immediately.
I didn't think to call my insurance co to verify, as there was already lots of personal information on the form, so I made the call.
Chirpy Clerk: "Good morning! And whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with?" Check your records, Dummy, I keyed in my ID number.
Me: (I give them my name.)
Clerk: Well, hello, Mrs. X. We show that on 12.5.11 you had a procedure that involved your back, and we need to make sure that this was not due to an injury or an accident, and that there was no third-party liabilty.
Me: Well, let me see.....on 12.5.11 I was having a double mastectomy due to invasive breast cancer. Yes, my back was involved because that is generally what you lay on when they remove your breasts.
Clerk: (looooong pause) "Oh........Well.......I certainly didn't mean to upset you, Mrs.X."
Me: "Honey, the time for 'upset' is long gone."
Clerk: "Well, sometimes we don't get the correct information."
Me: "Obviously. But in the meantime, if you do find a third party liable for my condition, could you please let me know? It sure would feel good to sue someone for this."
Clerk: (Speaking very quickly now........"Uh, again, I didn't mean to upset you, Mrs. X. Have a nice day!" CLICK.
Argggggghhhh......
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The balcony is good. I have some people up there. Like the story about the 'accident' and your injured back too.
You all reminded me.... of these things now. So I will complain just a little bit again. A rerun but now I get to move. Or do I?
The punch line isn't in this one....
There is the old story about the farmer who comes out of the cellar after the tornado, farm flattened and he says, ain't it grand honey, the wind stopped blowing.
Well, one year I got a call from a self-absorbed 'friend' that I did n't really want to talk to, I thought it was Hubby calling me to tell me there was a tornado coming - and there was, I was in process of hiding from it but wanted to answer phone to calm Hubby that I knew. but it was the guy. He starts talking, I interrupt, I have to go there is a tornado coming, he says, can I just read you this poem I wrote first. I said nnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooo and I hung up.
I feel like because I got the dx for cancer, had surgery, since I chose not to do rads or chemo, all think I am just fine. I am better than I could be if I were going through strong treatment, but I am still using expensive (for us) treatments and still have very rought times of it, like now w headache, swollen glands, sore nodes, LE, back pain in kidney and adrenal always. But isn't it grand - family thinks - the wind stopped blowing. At least one nephew will be here in a week to move big stuff, I have to be fair, he may bring grret nephews, don't know. But I have to pack this stuff. And get out of here even sooner. I feel like I am dying in this smoke and fumes, guess what if I stay I am.
Today I sit here. Finally have taxes done. Bankruptcy court is going to keep all our return, but we had to foreclose, do bankruptcy to get away from this carcinogenic smoke next door that is in our home always. Never late on a payment. But it was move or die. So no return $ to help. This broke us in all ways, starting over and in our 50s. It can be fun.
We are moving to save my life from this carcinogenic OWB next door. I am not supposed to deep breathe around it, this nasty estrogen smoking-thing, like being in a house of secondhand smoke all day long, outside too.
But now I get to do all this packing and moving. Nothing packed but still need to move asap to new place we rented last weekend. That is a godsend, gift from universe. Somehow the way tomove will come, but had to complain first, then over to the prayer chain
so........ am going to complain then prayer chain it......
No energy for more than laundry, dishes. Nodes in my neck from fighting infection right now. The OWB does that when I am exposed like I was two days ago, forgot and left sunporch doors open. With LE cannot lift heavy or do strong repetitive movements, brushing our big dog does me in. What to do. I was strong and active, did it all.
Sitting here thinking, the last four times we moved, we move a lot, we packed ourselves and hired movers. Usually $1000 and they are done. I would pack all of it though. They moved it, I unpacked.
This time the OWB and market kicked our a#@*es and we do not have the cash to do it and pay for my alternative treatments or supplements. But there is no one to help either. Hubby - his shoulders are shot, hips and knees have no cartilage, he should be on disability but he goes to steelmill everyday and climbs stairs and ladders so he can keep insurance for me, like that is working.... I do alts, and ins will not pay for it. So he does more than his share and cannot do much physically.
Me I am finally going back to work once I get this place moved. Then he can retire I hope.
I could ask for help but they know I am getting ready to pack, and no offer to be here. I am the first one to drop it all and go help every time, the first to drive all the way to take medicine or whatever and this sucks. I am talking family too.
Point is, I still have Christmas decor hanging around. Was always down by me the 15th of January. Just keep digging, working, trying getting no where. Is this what it is like to get old? I am 55. The life will be back, but to do this now?
So no one said anything. Not to me. Not about me. But that is pretty dumb too, thinking I will handle this all on my own too. I will get over this. I will pack the first box tonight, whatever that may be. Imagine the first is the hardest. But had to bitch first. Thanks for listening.
So for listening - I have this gift I just received.Adding that I opened my email, content on one message for the night and found one from a man I met who is into holistic too, he lives in FL. He said he haas been told
"There is beauty in the small."
This brought me too seek out just one inspirational quote and I found these three together.
"As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler; solitude will not be solitude, poverty will not be poverty, nor weakness weakness."
--Henry David Thoreau"Simplicity is making the journey of this life with just baggage enough."
--Author Unknown"To find the universal elements enough; to find the air and the water exhilarating; to be refreshed by a morning walk or an evening saunter... to be thrilled by the stars at night; to be elated over a bird's nest or a wildflower in spring - these are some of the rewards of the simple life."
--John BurroughsAnd so I seek out the one box of belongings that are simple, beautiful to me, touch my heart, remind me of the thrills of nature. What I would consider my rewards of a simple life well lived. What ajourney people!
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When i needed time off from work to deal with the many appointments to specialists, surgeons,oncologists, biopsies, surgery and stress, this is the dumbest thing someone said to me:, "you're not sick, you just need to retire". I felt like punching her in the face.
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It's exhuasting having to educate everybody about cancer and treatment, isn't it? I am stage IV and on my fifth chemo. I mentioned that to somebody, who stared at me unbelieving. "But, you aren't bald!". No, you don't lose your hair on every chemo, I explain. They never know that.
I've had several people ask me if I'm going to die. I say, yes. One person said, "aren't you scared?". I just said I wasn't very happy about it.
My own father couldn't come see me in the hospital when I had half my liver removed, because hospitals have bad memories for him, he said, my mom had been in a hospital, although she died at home. Im supposed to understand this reasoning. Okay, I do understand, I get that it's all about you.
Thing is, you couldn't keep me away if it had been my kid. In truth, he really may be too old to have travelled the 300 miles, but at the same time he was planning a trip to Mexico. So, his priorities were on display, even if he didn't have the ability to carry it out.
He was better than my brother though, who never called that year and who lives 30 minutes from the hospital and never came to see me. And, whose kids I've taken every summer of their lives and spoiled like crazy.
I guess thats more sad than stupid, huh?
The thing is, I focus on all my front row people so don't spend a lot of time on people who just can't help being insensitive. There are lots of good people in my life, and this is the opportunity to find out who they are. We are lucky in that sense.0 -
Had to share this incredible story - I was at a yard sale yesterday and began chatting with the 60ish woman who was in charge. Somehow breast cancer came up and she said she was a 12 year survivor. I congratulated her and then told her cancer returned for me after 8 years. She then said her friend's cancer returned too and she died a month later. WTF? I said, "gee thanks for that. You really made my day" Even women who have been down our road can be totally stupid and thoughtless. She just looked at me with a shocked look on her face and didn't "get it" at all.
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A year earlier I was diagnosed with Chonic Lymphacytic Leukemia CLL, then IDC breast cancer.
When I was diagnosed with CLL my husband said to me, I guess he was trying to make me feel better, "well everyone has to go at some time" This really made me feel great! Can't help but wonder does he really love me? Then he said later on, well I didn't mean it that way, what other way could I take it? I find I am angry at him every since this comment.
Then when I got BC, a fellow co-worker found out and said to me " Oh going to join the ity bitty titty club hun?" Not once did she say she was so sorry, nothing. I can't believe some of the comments people say.
Yes I hear all the time "Well you must be doing great, you look fine"
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