The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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I'll play!
I'm 54, have gray hair, and I like it -- it's silvery and I get compliments on it. When I thought I'd have to have chemo (turned out I didn't, based on my oncotype score), a friend said, "So you might lose your hair... well, at least it's gray!" So... it's more traumatic when dyed hair falls out?
She followed that with these words of advice, "Just don't make it 'all about the cancer.'" Huh?
P.S. LOL, Charles!
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The MO was also a piece of work. He apparently thought it would be a good idea to begin the appointment by describing, in graphic terms, the botched lumpectomies he's seen (without having examined me, so for all he knew mine was one of them).
He asked rhetorically what we do to men who have prostate cancer: "We castrate them!" He sternly told me not to read ANYTHING on the Internet. (I get where he's coming from, but seriously...) He made a few "jokes" about how my treatment options would affect his income.
It helped a little that his nurse was rolling her eyes behind his back as he talked. But now that rads are done I have to go back to him about hormonal therapy, so it's not so funny...
Needless to say, I'll get a new MO as soon as I can change my insurance.
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Can I join? I called my BS for my 3 month surgery follow up. I explained this to the receptionist and she asked if this was in regards to my breast. I had a UMX so, uh, NO. I told her it was in re: to my scar and that's when she made some oh-too-bad-tsk-tsk noises. I'll be mentioning this to the Dr.
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When I was making that gut-wrenching decision regarding unilateral vs. bilateral:
"If I had to have one thumb cut off, I sure woudn't cut the other one off just so they matched!"
I chose bilateral. Turned out to be a wise choice when LCIS was found. Surgeon agreed and said, "Absolutely the right choice. Sometimes you have to go with your gut" at the first post-op appointment this week.
How I ever ended up with a man who woud make such awful comments is beyond me. He had many more "gems" like this that showed me just exactly what he was - some much worse.
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Oh, gosh, it's been a bad week for idiotic remarks! Keep coming up with those zingers!
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OH I have many also!!!!!
1) I asked the radiologist who was doing my initial biopsy by ultrasound to be honest with me and she said.."I've seen worse"
2) When I got the results to my pathology after surgery and they found 24 out of 30 lymph nodes positive I asked the surgeon how it changed my prognosis and he said "Do you really want to know the answer to that question" :>o
3) One of my best friends asked me right out "Are you going to die soon?"
4) Most recently after finishing my 4 doses of AC and doing extremely well said to me on the day before starting my 12 week Taxol/Herceptin Regimen "I have a feeling that you aren't going to feel as well on this chemo"
People will NEVER cease to amaze me!!!!
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Lisa ..., ((((((HUGS))))) . You seem to be surrounded by idiots! I think you got more than your fair share!d Here's my answers to the above:
1. Is that your medical opinion because it sucks!
2. Yes, I really would like the answer - its why I asked that question!
3. I don't know - are you?
4. That's what I like - a positive attitude. That comment is so helpful! NOT!
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I have a colleague that I know through the grapevine had/has cancer. I'm never sure which (had or has) because no one likes to talk about it. She's a little older than I am. Another colleague mentioned to me that you have to be careful what you say to her because if she doesn't like it she'll say, "You can't say that to me, I have cancer."
She has been very kind to me and left me a note one day that she was impressed with my ability to work through treatment and I was an "inspiration" to her and others around me, and although they couldn't understand what I was going through I was helping them understand cancer from a new perspective. I thought it was a nice note.
She stops to talk with me the other day and asks how I'm feeling. After a couple of minutes she says, "You don't have to talk about this if you're not comfortable," as if she was implying she didn't want to hear it, maybe she had to leave. So I opened my mouth to say something and she said, "Well, I know with head and neck cancer..." It was then that I learned she had had cancer in her neck and had had radiation 10 years ago, but no treatment since then. Never had chemo. But she spent 10 minutes telling me about how she dealt with treatment, and how I should consider changing my diet, seeing a dentist at least 4 times a year, watching my weight even with the steroids, etc...etc... It was an interesting conversation because no matter how I tried to talk about what I was going through (can't necessarily watch my weight on steroids, except watching the scale slowly climb upwards, can't see a dentist until probably a year after my last cleaning) she really just needed to talk about her experience.
And then, to be honest, I got a little upset. It's been 10 years since she finished treatment and, by her accounts, she's cancer-free. Yet she continues to tell colleagues "I have cancer" as a means of playing that cancer card, and I don't understand that. When this is over and done, I want it to be a part of my past. I am not defined by my cancer, so why would I hang on to it for 10 years? I'll be curious to see how our next conversation goes...
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Some one told me to keep the hairstyle --- they knnew i had know no hair and was wearing wig. LOL
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Lisa: I've gotten the "are you going to die soon" comment a couple of times, too. I understand deep down what they're asking, but it doesn't make it any better/easier. I often respond, "Well, if I don't watch when I'm crossing the street I could be hit by a bus later today!" to which they often laugh (uncomfortably) and say something like, "Well, I meant from the cancer..." And then I think they realize how bad it sounds, and the conversation tends to end at that point. The reality is this cancer may not be what kills me, so why focus on it?0
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NancyHB
Man, I have never met anyone to play the cancer card for that long... well, except as a joke.
My friend and colleague was diagnosed with IDC many years ago. She worked all the way through treatment and kept her approach to things as light and funny as they were before. Whenever something would come up at work - especially something she didn't particularly care to do - she would put on her best Edith Bunker voice and declare "I can't ... I have cannnncahhh."
That was exactly the line I used when I called her to tell her about my own.
Good luck with your co-worker. It sounds like she has issues other than cancer to deal with.0 -
Uugghhh.....my sister in law (step, actually) just posted on my private FB page "we love you so much, we are here for you, just ask if you need anything. That is what family is for." Oh, gee thanks...I just had my last chemo treatment yesterday. Thanks, but 3 months too freakin late. Never once brought a meal or anything in the last 5 months of this ordeal, offered to take my 6 year old, nothing. Trust me, I won't be asking her for jack.
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Lori~I think I'd send her a long 'things I need done' list back. It's not like she'll be doing any of it anyway.
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I'm sure there's some dust bunnies that you are still too fatigued to get at Lori? Or maybe your fridge needs cleaning out? She's offered publically so answer with a little list and ask her which specific day she can pop around...
Jenn0 -
And if she "just is too busy" thank her for her offer on her Facebook page and tell her how you "understand" how she could be "just to busy" too help.
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So glad I found this thread. I kept thinking as people said these insensitive things to me that maybe it was just me. The one that tops the cake for me, though: A "friend" from church came to see me a couple of weeks after my bilateral mastectomy. She came in crying and sat down, then looked at me and said, "I'm sorry I haven't been sooner. It's just that I've seen so many people in my family go through this, it's really hard for me." Really? It's hard for HER. I'm the one who just had a double mastectomy!!!! BTW, her parents have both had cancer and are a great source of inspiration for me. Her mom had Stage 3 leukemia and is a 10 year survivor. Her dad had Stage 3 colon cancer, and later, metastasis to his lungs (I guess that makes it automatically Stage 4) and been NED for years.
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Now that my treatment is behind me many of my friends and others keep asking me "How big are you going to go?" Seriously as if it is any of their business. I just tell them possibly a triple M. I am also going to buy a wheel barrow to carry them around in.
Maggie
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"Yeah, you're gonna go BIG right?! I mean they're 'free' and all so why not?"
Duh. Little do they know how much we really do pay. Priceless, but I'd rather have my old ones minus the lumps, chemo, rads and surgeries.
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Lori, I'd be tempted to be really evil with your SIL. Maybe you could write something like:
- I could really use transport to my weekly lab draws - oh, wait, those are all finished now.
- It would be so sweet of you to watch my son while I'm in the hospital and right afterward - oh, wait. That's over, too.
- How about watching him when I have chemo? Oh, that's right; it's done, too.
- Maybe some light housework or cooking while I'm recovering from surgery - oh wait, that's already done, too.
Well, it looks like it's your lucky day! There's nothing left to help with! Thanks, anyway. Not.
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I so agree with Carolyn (riley702) and that's what "they" say we should do.., assign a task. I have heard all of the stupid comments as well but the thing that makes me the craziest is when people say "let me know what I can do". Stupid maybe.., but thougtless? REALLY? (without the excuse of having chemo brain!) lololol
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I just don't tell people......
My husband said something that irritated me.......first off.....when I found out I had cancer, I was a crying mess.........he said.......I guess I am going to have to do some research on the internet to see what these stages of behavior you are going through are all about.......then.......weeks later I needed an MRI.......I came home to tell him about it and he says........oh great, I wonder how much that is going to cost us............:/
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Get this! Fortunately, I have an awesome boss who has been extremely accommodating during my return to work, BUT, some of my co workers who have been enlisted to pick up a little extra work to ease my workload are complaining about how difficult it has been for THEM! And seriously, nothing major, just a few tasks that are not difficult or time consuming. I feel so bad for their cancer free asses. Sarcasm intended. Soooooooo, I took a few moments in our morning meeting to thank them all individually and publicly for their selfless contribution to my healing and wellbeing. Yeah, they publicly affirmed that they were happy to help. (LOL) Too embarassed to complain to my face about how my cancer has caused them stress. Glad we cleared that up.
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Good one, Gracie!
Druanne, have you ever told him how tactless that was, or has he ever figured out on his own (yeah, right) that those were less than helpful remarks? I would be flat-out blunt with him that those remarks are not only not helpful, but hurtful and rather self-centered. "Honey, I love you, but my having cancer here trumps you being inconvenienced. Just try to keep that in mind, OK?"
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Carolyn ... really good response. Poor baby is inconvenienced. Boo hoo.
Anyone still crying "cancer" ten years later needs a new focus!
Gr4c1E...good for you. What were you thinking getting cancer and inconveniencing others?
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here is something similar but not related to cancer. My nephew was recently in an auto accident and his girlfriend who was an passenger was killed. It was a bad weather afternoon (several inches of snow on road surface) and he lost control of his vehicle and crossed double yellow into the path of an oncoming car. There were injuries in that vehicle too but nothing life threatening. My ex brother-in-law goes to hospital and meets up with my sister-in-law (his ex) and the first thing out of his mouth is " geez I hope that I am not sued over this". no concern first of how his son is, by the way, lay there with a broken back, cracked ribs and a punctured lung, or any concern about the dead girl. OMG.......that's why he is an ex now.
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riley702 I think he is figuring it out! I filed for divorce on my birthday! It has been a long time coming and breast cancer slapped me in the face and woke me up!!!0
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Druanne when I was diagnosed in 2001, I filed for divorce also. The day he cancelled direct deposit because "you are going to die anyway, what do you need money for" was the day I found a lawyer. The funnest part of that was that he was surprised that I had him served!!!! REALLY??? You are surprised by that!!!! Not only did I lose half my breast to cancer in 2001, but I also lost a 220 pound tumor that sucked the life out of me every day for 18 years!!!! It's tough doing both, but it will make you stronger!!!!
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Druanne and Kerrberlady,
I am a lawyer and I often find myself doing family law cases and I've done my fair share of divorces since I started. Normally, I try to sit down with a client and see if the decision to get divorced is something that is based on a momentary flash of anger. I have even encouraged some potential clients to consider counseling before coming to see me, just to be absolutley certain if they really want a divorce.
That said, in both of your cases ... screw it. These guys needed to be dumped. Good on ya; both of ya.0 -
The friggin genetic counselor at my appointment the other day actually said "Well at least they caught it early!" I just looked at her and said "Umm, I'm stage IV." The look on her face was priceless. She then started blubbering about "Oh no! I'm so sorry , But there are so many treatments out there now that blah blah..." I interrupted her and said "Don't do that. Don't change your whole tone with me because of my stage, it makes me feel weird." Then she just didn't know what to do, fumbled with her papers a second, said sorry and went on with the family history questions.
I thought of this thread as soon as she said it and almost started to giggle. She would have thought I was nuts lol
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