The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
Comments
-
My mother died from BC many years ago and our family has been very close and always been there for each other.
Then my dx a year ago. I chose doctors and to have treatment an hour away so the family's contribution was to watch my home, get my mail, cut the grass. I came home to everything having been neglected. No one stopped by to check on anything and the neighbor had cut my grass. I called one of my sisters and we had it out. Her comment was that I don't look like she remembered our mother being - really sick like someone who has cancer - ok, so WTF does that mean? I explained to her in depth that I am stage IIIc and there was a LOT of positive nodes. OTOH, BF and two friends have been my rock during this - cancer had hit both friends - both lost spouses from the disease within the last 2 years so they know exactly what to say and had set up little surprises for me all along the way at different treatment milestones.
Today is Easter - and mind you, not a one of my five siblings has called to ask how I've been for over a month or to ask if I had plans today. They all go to inlaws and in past I've been invited (some years I go, others I don't). This year I had already decided I wanted to be here alone - I wanted to relax and not have to be "on" today. Ironically as I write this both friends called to make sure I had someplace to go today (I lied because as I said, I want to be here alone today). That's the one thing they've never understood - that I have always enjoyed the peace, calm and quiet of my surroundings without any drama.
It's been really hard to take that my own family seems to be functioning like I no longer exist. Saw this embroidered on a pillow once: "Friends are the family you get to choose". I've found that truer words have never been spoken.
0 -
Lol. When I was diagnosed stage four, my husband did say, "well, we all gotta die sometime, babe.". Well yes, but I will likely die in a year, not thirty.
Thing is, he was trying to comfort me. He has always been an awkward man and rarely says the right thing. He's been good to me though and has taken over a lot of what I used to do without complaint. I think you have to put these comments in context with what you know about the person already.0 -
Hi CoolBreeze,
I just noticed you're from Sacramento. I live in Vacaville. I see the Drs @ UCD Med Center. I just had a lumpectomy/ excisional biopsy on Wednesday for ADH and to check for any other abnormal cells lurking in there.
Wishing you a good day...
0 -
This thread makes me sad... I'm a charter member of the foot-in-mouth club. Also come from a long line of people who make a joke to keep from crying. I'd like to think it's the thought that counts, but apparently if you can't say the "right" thing you should just shut up. But then of course you are cold and unsuportave. It's pretty paralyzing when you are socially awkward.
0 -
Cindyl, I'm sorry this thread makes you sad. We know it's hard for people to know what to say to us. Most of us let the comments pass, then come here to express our feeling and reactions. This thread proctects the people we interact with by giving us a place to say the things we would never say to another person, in a place where our feelings are understood. If you were my friend, I would treat you just as kindly as I would before I was diagnosed, understanding the difficult situation you are in. I would forgive you if your comments bothered me and continue to cherish your friendship and support. And i would tell you that this is a thread where some of us come to blow off steam, and ask you not to take any said here personally.
0 -
Well said NativeMainer! Cindyl - My family also will make jokes to avoid crying and that doesn't bother me. I know they mean well and if I can laugh too, I figure that's a good thing. For the people in my life that just have trouble knowing what to say, I know where their heart is and what they say doesn't bother me. It's the few people in my life that are clueless and just don't care what they say that is hard to take....everyone else I know they have a good heart and that means the world, no matter how it's said!
0 -
I totally agree - well said!! I was telling someone today, you know the people who love you, even though they might not have exactly the right words or the right comment. I make jokes myself to put other's at ease about my BC. If we are all honest, the people that upset us are the people who really don't give a damn. And it shows. It's not just about saying the right thing. It is showing that you care in any little way. It doesn't matter how. But when people do nothing for you that you have given, and given and given to for years, it is finally revealed to you that you have been used.
And that makes a BC Patient VERY ANGRY! I am thrilled these so-called friends have shown their true colors. I feel thankful that I don't need to waste any more of my life in one-way relationships.
0 -
NativeMainer said it right. We all know that people mean well when they make comments to us, even awkward ones.
The thing is, once you have cancer, you don't hear them once in a great while, you hear them all day every day. So, this thread is a place to let of a bit of steam but unless there is family drama in the background, nobody really thinks anything less of the person who says something imperfectly.
I am sure, before I was diagnosed, I wasn't supportive in the right way to somebody either.
As for jokes, I'm the worst. I make death jokes and it wasn't until I realized that my teenage son was not taking it as funny that I stopped. I guess joking about his mother's death, even if it's my own, doesn't go over well.
1osugirl. Nice to see you. I drive by Vacaville on my way to UCSF.
I'm treated locally at Mercy but to go UCSF for surgical options. 0 -
OK that makes sense.
I can certainly see where dealing with the comments all the time would get old.
Right now I'd love comments, even awkward ones. Most of the people I've considered friends seem afraid to talk to me at all. I think they must think cancer is contagious or something. Several of my friends have been wonderful, but many of the others? Well the silence is deafening.
0 -
After my DX someone actually filed a complaint with the Health Department--anon of course--that I continued to cook for the public with a contagious disease.
0 -
Snort. OK then. Maybe I have been too hard on my friends...
0 -
Denise-G just as NM said it well. You too have said it well. "it is finally revealed to you that you have been used" and "that I don't need to waste my life in one way relationships". In the beginning of mine and my DH's cancer 3 months apart, we had two friends effectively walk away. One was a 31 year relationship, they other was about 5 years. Hurt at first------then cluck'em.
0 -
Chabba---------almost surreal, hope that person wasn't allowed to reproduce.
0 -
Don't know who it was but unfortunately I believe all the suspects had offspring.
0 -
Chabba----Nothing was ever said to me directly, but I know based on different readings here on the threads that there were people out there in the real world that had words when both my Dh and I were dx'd 3 months apart. There are people that are stupid, ignorant,self righteous, have a distorted view of what is real. I likely could go on and find many adjectives. But the bottom line is that they are just ------stupid and uneducated------and they are so stupid and uneducated, that they don't have a clue as to how stupid and uneducated they are, these stupids will continue to be stupid and make stupid remarks their entire life.
When we have a Stupid make an unkind remark to us, we seem to remember our manners and don't return the unkindness. Perhaps, someone will read this and come up with a great saying that we can use with these maggots.
How did you find out about the Health Department complaint?
0 -
Three come to mind tonight.
On the all alternatives thread - again - we were told that sensible people use the drugs, chemo, rads and that all the alternatives people were not posting becasuse they are dead. This happens all the time, btw, and is so very uplifting and cretes such hope in us.
_____________________
Today my tax lady said that cancer means you are going to die.................... and I said no. I have the stats of being dead in about three years but that does not mean a thing to me.
_________________
Hubby, cracks me up, he means well too. We went to first appt with GP, me expecting her to aspirate a something and all would be well. She said, this is breast cancer until proven otherwise.
We left and Hubby said, "Well, that was good news at least."
Me.... "What the heck did you hear?? Are you kidding me? Seriously? I thought she was going to stick a needle in my boob and drain some fluid...... SERIOUSLY??"
0 -
SAS When a food service establishment has a complaint filed against it the Health Dept in Washington is required to investigate even when they know it must be bogus. And anyone with a lick of sense could see this one was. For at least 8 years we have had a much loved cat who is well trained, never came in the kitchen, stayed off the dining room furniture and made friends with anyone who offered attention. They accused her of sh---ing on the tables. Technically cats arn't allowed in a food service area so they had to ban her even though they knew cats don't go on a flat hard surface by choice and she had a well cared for litter box. Until the complaint they had ignored her.
0 -
So I'll try to keep my story short, there's a lot lol.
My DIL, son and 3 grandchildren, all under 5, moved in with me partway into my treatment to "help". My husband is underemployed, so my paycheck is what pays for our house. After being here for two weeks they told me how I was raising my two remaining children "wrong" and how they just can't understand why I can go to work and then when I get home I go to bed and nap. Don't I get that I'm just not spending enough time with them?!!
A different time when I spoke with my son and DIL I said don't you realize how serious this is? It's not like I'm going for a walk in the park. They said "no I don't think it's that bad". That's one of those - Well, tell my doctor because he seems to think it is serious :P
I did finally say to them "when you told me you wanted to move out here with me I should have said now is a bad time as I am sick. Obviously I can't meet your expectations while I'm sick and dealing with life and death issues."
During my treatment someone hit my car and totaled it. I was not in it. No one got hurt. The money we got for the car allowed me to stay home for the second half of my treatment. I recently got my final PET scheduled and was hoping to go back to work the beginning of next month. I've kept my employer informed about everything and he was aware of the time frame. So as soon as I said when I was planning to come back, providing everything is clear, he let me know they hired the temp person full time and my services are no longer required!
So, now that I am unemployed we are looking at the probability of the house being foreclosed. Going to see a financial counselor next week. We've spent so long just trying to hang on to this place, even during unemployment and underemployment I don't know that I will be sorry to see it gone.We are down to just two kids at home and neither one will be upset if we move. I think sometimes I'm just ready to say goodbye to everything that is stressful in my life and just keep the good times, good people, and smiles!
0 -
Maybe not the "dumbest" thing but funny/pretty strange ...
Took my mom (74) along with me (44) to my first saline implant injection (didn't know how bad it was going to be so I asked her to be there for moral support) and it was an absolute breeze - so picture me, lying on the doctor's consulting room bed, with the breast recon surgeon putting a rather large needle into the side of my chest, then checking/feeling around the breasts that all was OK with the tissue expanders.
A few days later, my mom and I met a friend of hers and she commented " I never thought the day would come when I watched a man touching my daughter's breasts" as she explained the whole procedure to her friend. I just laughed - it was a pretty weird comment from my rather prim and proper mom. Love her to bits!
0 -
Suz, I like your Mom.
0 -
Teresain T-----If the company falls under FMLA law and you were on approved leave under that law. (you would have paperwork). You have a lawsuit. Check with your unemployment office as to your rights. Check with the EEOC and see if any rights were violated. You can contact the legal aide society in your county through the BAR ASSOCIATION.Please, follow through on this . This man may have broken the law.
0 -
sas - I was just about to post the same thing.
Terresain - were you collecting disability from your employer's insurance? If you were, he can't fire you, it's the law. Only time he could is if you did not return back to work at all. Call a lawyer, all telephone consultations are free. Get advice
0 -
My company has less than 50 people and is considered a small business. FMLA does not apply in those situations. I had thought about it. He sat there and told me what a hard decision it was for him lol. Then when I mentioned it not being covered under FMLA he says Under what? You would think the new office manage would have researched the legality of his actions.
0 -
Terasain, still contact the EEOC. Plus look at the Main BCO threads re working and the law. What's your age?( you don't have to tell us) my point is it could fall under age discrimination. Go after what ever discrimination applies. EEOC will tell you if you just keep asking questions.
Then if nothing else applies, Picket the guy with your friends. Loss of business may then cause him to reconsider. Check to see if you need a permit to picket.
Sign "-JOHN SMITH---------FIRES WOMEN THAT HAVE BREAST CANCER"
Cluck'em---------he gave you no consideration ------give him none---------if you picket , notify the local news agency. AND the local BC agencies. Contact his wife and let her know he fired you b/c of your condition and hired the temporary---------ask her opinion about that or not----the key is that she know her husband fired someone with BC that was making every effort to come back to work, can create havoc at home-----Yeah----let him suffer his wifes rath.
Then if it works and he is sufficiently humiliated---------ask for a written sick plan for the 50 employees that have guidelines that mirror other < 50 employee plans in the area
0 -
sas-schatzi
That is excellent advice!!! Wow you are someone I would want in my corner if the chips were down!!!
Terasin
What an absolute scumbag! Here in Ontario if you are employed full time and pay taxes an employee is covered under the Employment Standards Act. Now the story is different if you are on contract (I was) so it didn't help me though. I'm considered self employed. Although I have to say my former employers treatment of be when diagnosed was far from stellar and it ended up costing her 3 employees. We are all commissioned sales people that she made money on so HA HA HA! When I went independant within the same organization, I made it quite clear why with the powers that be. She even tried to block not only me but another guy that wanted out of her clutches by bad mouthing the both of us. She had paid in the long run and so will this guy. Reputation is everything in any business and karma is a bitch!!
0 -
Okay, I am not sure, but I always thought "in memory of ...." meant that the honoree wasn't around anymore.
I blocked out the name of the donor, simply because I think that this wasn't their error.
This now makes two things the Susan G. folks have done for (to?) me, the other being the delivery of my "man-o-gram" results in a bright pink folder.0 -
all I can say is OMG........
0 -
That is crazy charles, "in memory of' is after someone is dead, 'in honor of' is while that person is still fighting to live.
0 -
Well, sheeeeeeeeeet. I guess I am dead, then. Please ignore this and every future post from this account
0 -
Well, sheeeeeeeeeet. I guess I am dead, then. Please ignore this and every future post from this account 0
