The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
Comments
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My mother said when I told her I was diagnosed: They are wrong, we don't have cancer in our family!
Oddly enough, a couple of years later she was herself diagnosed with breast cancer.
Sort of OT, but don't you guys hate that new commercial which says "Living Beyond Cancer" There is no cure; don't they get that? They should be saying "Still no cure, let's keep working on it"0 -
Hi jab, welcome to the boards. Youre allowed to vent here especially about stupid people and stupid "friends". Sorry to hear your mum is being tactless. That always makes it harder when family do this....
OK this comes with a serious caveat coz we all love to respect our mums and it would depend on how she said it... it would have to be with a real bad attitude that would cause me to say this:
Mum "i had breast cancer and wasnt even sick, you'll be ok"
Me Well I can pick my friends but unfortunately I can't pick my family
As for your "friend," clearly she is NOT your friend. Real friends don't say things like that. For her I think this might be in order:
'Friend' "wow, do you ever look healthy".
You: absolutely! but it's only to non toxic people0 -
Your mother should me mine, dogsanddogs. They'd get along! I totally agree about the bad marketing of cancer of late. I really hate it when 'survivor' is used in a heroistic way , ie, "shes a breast cancer survivor....'. Like all those that died of cancer didn't try hard enough? Really? And now that I'm on roll on the marketing of breast cancer, I also hate the word 'journey'. I'm not on a journey, Journeys are what you do in college/ university, on a weekend with your BFF:s. They are fun. This is not. This is actullay pretty crappy so lets not try and pretty it up for the viewers
Sorry for the rant but that one has been bugging me!0 -
I've gotten the "you look so healthy" remark so many times!! I assume people mean it as a compliment but it's so annoying when you're feeling like crap... and makes me feel like they are minimizing what I'm going through.0 -
I have a neighbor who says every time I see her: Are you alright? And then looks at me searchingly. I feel like she is expecting me to die any minute. I did NOT tell her I had cancer, but I guess another neighbor did.
The two other people in my neighborhood that know (because they helped drive me back and forth to the hospital) have the good sense to say absolutely nothing when I see them. I like that----0 -
Ive only told one neighbour - she said "anything to help" - but quickly added " I guess I'll be seeing you in the park walking to stay in shape". Now I'm new to this any maybe my expectations are out of whack but I have cancer not a cold. Like you. indenial, the minimizing of this really annoys me. I am scared and I keep feeling people are telling me 'you have nothing to be sacred of' - Can you just shut up and let me be scared for a second?! OK thanks again for letting me vent - again Im new to this cancer thing....0 -
As I was having a discussion with a friend of mine, regarding having faced mortality and fearing that I may have to leave my young children motherless, she said that they won't care if I die (they are 8 year old twins) and that they will move on with life. Also, she told me she never understood why people try to hang on to life, that she admires the Native American belief that when you are near death you just walk into the wilderness and you just disappear so as not to be a burden on anyone else. I was very close to responding that I hope that she will some day get the opportunity to do that for herself.0 -
Hello ladies,
I have two brothers and 4sisters. One brother told me it was a good thing I "got the cancer" because " you are the strong one". My other brother upped that stupid comment by telling me right after my lumpectomy that he heard that surgery "just spreads the cancer". Just warning all you ladies that there are at least two dumb a$$ men out there. Geesh!
MsP0 -
I have been told that this will all be a blur a year after treatment?
Really? ?0 -
I love this forum!
I have had so many people say dumb things to me but my favourite is a friend who has twice now compared me going back to work after 6 months off for treatment like going back to work after being on maternity leave!
I feel like saying " oh it's exactly the same but now I have no hair, no breasts and no baby!" Idiot !!0 -
Oh man shoppygirl!! I had a friend going through some severe morning sickness while I was going through chemo. She kept saying that we were going through the same thing at the same time and that we were the only people who could relate to each other. REALLY?!?! Granted, her sickness was pretty severe... but I will probably never get to have a much-wanted baby again thanks to cancer, and she'll have a baby at the end of all this. She was home resting & taking it easy, while I was in & out of the hospital & the ER. Not to mention I lost my hair, my breasts, and my sense of safety & health, and will have to spend the next 50 years worrying about mets and ongoing meds and all that. Yeah, that's exactly like a couple months of morning sickness.0 -
OMG! Just reading through some of your posts. some funny, some just absurd!
When I had my biopsy, one of my friends kept saying "All will be well!" How do you know all will be well??
The other day I was talking to someone that was trying to solicit on the phone, and I told her I had a health issue I was dealing with right now. She asked "what is that?" I told her Cancer. She says, "what kind?" I said breast cancer. She said, "oh, you know what...you'll be fine. I went through that and I didn't have to have a mastectomy or anything, but I'm fine now." Gheez!
I think for the most part, those types of remarks are the exception and most people do exercise more compassion or just keep their mouths shut for fear of saying the wrong thing. But, those that do can sure make up for it!
Love seeing your posts. It put a smile on my face.
HUGS to all!0 -
I have a ways to go, having just been diagnosed so I was wondering today if I am still in the anger phase, and will eventully mover on to acceptance (of peoples stupidity). Please tell I'll get more tolerant as this thing progresses?...Otherwise I'll have to ask my Onc to include a bit of Valium in my Chemo coctail.
Oh, and keepthefaith, don't you think that people who have had breast cancer should know better than to say things like that?0 -
Yes, jab, I do think someone who has been thru it would know better..I was kind of in shock when she said it. I think I am still kind of angry at times, too; But, probably less than I was at first. One of the volunteers at the resource center told me that I will probably be less tolerable of those things than ever before.
A friend of mine who was dx'd 2 1/2 yrs ago called today and shared a bad experience she had with chemo...why did she feel the need to share that with me right now? I haven't even started chemo yet; at least wait until I am done...right? Maybe I am supposed to be learning something from this!:)I guess we have to learn to roll with the punches and think before we speak!
have a restful evening ladies~0 -
Naw, I'm almost 5 years out and I'm not more tolerant, but I do look at it a bit differently now. I, too, HATE when people try to minimize it!!! Like you said, let ME be scared for a minute!!! Also, if someone says you look great, tell them you have cancer in your breast not your face!!!!!!!
I can just look at them all like poor souls who haven't dealt with the fear of death in their lives yet.....0 -
Oh my gosh ladies. A lot has happened in the last week!
Yes, there are some pinheads out there. I firmly believe most people are clueless when it comes to someone elses' disease. I finally started writing a book about the dumb things people say to us and the reasons they're dumb.
I know the stuff that ticks me off may not bother someone else and vice versa. So, I thought I'd educate the masses. It's also very therapeutic to write everything down. Just think, when we die at 80, our remaining families will be able to read about the stupid stuff they said or did to us along the way, ha ha. It's the game of "gotcha last"!0 -
Yesterday someone saw me and said "how wonderful! Your cancer is cured!" I replied, "unfortunately no." She said, "but you have hair!?!"0 -
If only it were that easy, huh???:)0
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I went to the eye doctor this week, and told my tech that I was concerned in part b/c the chemo and arimidex can cause eye changes; so, I just wanted to be checked out. She proceeded to tell me that she had had breast cancer, etc. and "well, just be positive, b/c this is a completely curable disease now". WHAT???? That's news to me and everyone else on the stage IV boards. It just really bugged me that she was a medical professional and a survivor who still said something like that.0 -
These comments everyone is getting are unbelievable. I had one this week that never used to tick me off but it is now "you look so good"! Now, how am I supposed to look? Dead? If I did look bad, would you tell me? NOT.
KTF, I think your friend felt comfortable sharing with you because you've been there for her. Likely she's gotten the apathetic/stupid comments from others and knows you have a shoulder for her to cry on. Hopefully she will be there for you as well.
I have noticed that I'm less tolerant of people's ignorance the further along I get. I want to be graceful but I'm having a hard time with this one. Guess I need to pray more and open my mouth less, ha ha.0 -
oh, Nancy, what a stupid tech that was. Unfortunately, she may find out that she's not cured either. You know what's bothering me more and more? The term "cancer survivor." At what point do you become a survivor? I "survived" for 11 years, then 5 years, and now...who knows? I liked one of the lady's answer to people who asked if she was a survivor. She said, "No, I'm a succumber."0 -
Mary L: I have always found the term "survivor" to be false. No one "survives" this emotionally, mentally or sometimes physically. I like the term "thriver" better, or better yet, I pretend I never had BC at all.
nbnotes: this tech doesn't know her butt from well... you know! To say all breast cancer is "completely curable" is a slap in our faces. I have lost relatives and just recently, a great friend, to breast cancer. I hope I do see a "cure" for all stages in my lifetime !
milehigh: I had the same experience when a friend kept saying "gosh you look good". How the "F" am I supposed to look, I would ask. I thought better of it later and apologized in my own stupid way, but just wish people would think first.0 -
Why do people seem surprised when i say i am okay....i know people who have not been through this cannot relate, and always give some leeway........but just when i get to going a day without thinking about cancer....mainly at work someone will say and how are you???? with a look of pity on their faces....i reply iam fine, oh yes you look well...bla bla...how do they expect me to look.......0 -
Kaza: If you're like me, I limit who I discuss it with and how much info I give out. Call it paranoia but have learned firsthand how some people cannot keep their mouths shut, even when you tell them something "confidential". Where in UK are you? Have relatives in Cornwall -- Shelly0
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Hi Shelly, i agree we do need to be careful who we discuss things with, it seems sometimes people want to compare our life style, if we smoke or drink eat burgers etc etc.....as if trying to find a reason for what has happened.....it makes me smile really feel like telling a few porkies sometimes, just to see their faces, at least we understand each other here
I live on the South Coast ...near Worthing West Sussex..i have been to Cornwall a few times i love it there, much slower pace of life. Where do you live?
I love your quote re-men .....lol . kaza xx.0 -
Ladies, I am so with you on who you tell. I shared with one person in church when first dx'd four years ago. Felt the need since we were doing a project together and there may come a time when I'd have to back off if not feeling well. I asked that she tell no one. Low and behold people I didn't know started coming up to me asking "how are you 'really' doing" as if they were in the know. It got so bad that I finally left the church and went elsewhere. Not one person ever followed up with me after I left. No phone calls, emails, nothing asking where I was and if I was okay much less if I needed anything. Why did they need to know the "scoop" if they weren't going to do anything with the info? That one is in my book ha ha.
Kaza one of the first entries I made when writing about all of the stupid things people said or did to me was to write about how your identity becomes all about cancer. "So, how's the cancer today Sue?" When I'd get that stupid question, I'd respond with "So, how's the obesity coming Mary?" Or "how's your husband's erectile dysfunction coming Jane?" People keep asking me and I want to be sure they're in the know.
Usually shuts them right up. ha ha.0 -
Hello ladies. There are some advantages to "telling people". I have an employee who is very difficult....always arguing with me about everything and while I respect his contribution to the effort, it is so very, very annoying. So when I started taking Femara, I told him that the medication makes a people "edgy" and that I wanted to make sure he knew that I could just SNAP at any time. This guy has been a joy to work with ever since. LOL. My suggestion is that when you decide who and what to tell, make sure there is a chance that you will get something positive out of it.
Love and hugs, MsP0 -
I just want to jump in. I hate to admit it but I have used the cancer card to shut rude people up. Upon my return to work after 6 months I had a few customers that I call on make snippy comments about why I had not been to visit them for so long. Once I said "I had breast cancer and was going through chemo" the look on their face is priceless. Now these people were rude even before I had BC but is sure is kind if nice to shock them into silence. There had to be some perks to this horrid disease!!0 -
milehighgirl
hee hee 'how's the obesity coming' - love that! very funny. really made me chuckle....wonder if I dare?
I really agree about limiting who knows I have/had bc.
I don't know what is worse the sympathetic 'head tilt' or 'the cure' offerings.
hee hee 'how's the ED' - lol0 -
Oh i just love this thread so funny, love your humour milehighgirl, i must remember those replies he he ........
mspharohh, shoppygirl, wintersocks, love all your comments, yes we can use our dx to our advantage, why not we have in through crap , and the reason we are grumps sometimes is probably from the meds......xx0
