The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
Comments
-
The who you tell is a great thread for me. I have just started to tell people and noticed that my husband has been asked out for beers more frequently - It seems that those I have not told are seeking the 'scoop' via the spouses. I'm not kidding. And no, I didn't get a call of support the next day, once thier husbands brought back the goods. Are people really that petty?? I am still not sure who to tell. How do you know who will be supportive and who will blab your personal business everywhere - And FYI, mothers do blab personal business.....0 -
Yes they are....
I had someone say to me while I was undergoing chemo, "you wouldn't wish this on your worst enemy", my response was and still is,"yes I would if I have to go through it so do they!"
0 -
Sad really, isn't it Blackcat. I also noticed I might be contagious too. Some "Friends' I use to have lunch with every few weeks have stopped calling. Makes me question the human spirit. The upside is I get to chat with you all. And, I have had many come forward with real offers of help - just not who I expected....
So not only do I have cancer, I have to rethink many friendships...Sucks really.0 -
Jab
It seems that lots of us have had to rethink our friendships. I have had several wonderful friends really be there for me and others have been terrible. I had one ex friend tell some mutual friends that she did not invite me to her birthday dinner as she wanted it to be a happy event and only about her and did not want to deal with someone with BC on her birthday! That was the end of my relationship with her! And yes, it is so awesome to have all the amazing ladies here to chat with!!0 -
Wow, shoppygirl. That hurts that she would actually tell people that. I keep thinking - "keep your eyes on the prize' meaning - none of this bad behaviour by others helps me to get better, so if it dosnt help, it doesn't matter. Nonetheless, nobody wants to end/put on hold friendships, particularily when you feel so vulnerable.0 -
All of you are so funny, and I can relate to many of the stories. Especially the you have hair story. I kept mine by using cold caps and now I am discovering that some people either don't think I really had cancer or think what I went through couldn't have been much - as if chemo and radiation was a choice on a spa menu that I made for my own enjoyment.
Like many of you, I find my tolerance for stupidity or false pretense of caring has dropped. When people say something foolish I give them a polite look and pause very deliberately before replying. I tell people who cheerily announce that I must be fine because I am looking so well that it is far too early to tell, and I tell those who overdo the compliments that I am aware that I am not looking my best but that I am much better than I was a month ago, thank you. I know darn well what I look like and until recently it was a mess - grey skin, hollow eyes, lumpy body, dry hair with long roots because I was not allowed to color them. I don't appreciate being told lies, even by people with good intentions. I would much prefer genuine kindness and a simple question about how I am feeling. Which is pretty good these days. Goodness I sound like such a grump!0 -
To be honest, I was on the verge of being done with her before this happened. This was the final nail in the coffin. Good riddance!!!0 -
Keepingthefaith: I was just telling my onc nurse, the other day, that I'm probably supposed to be learning something from all this cancer crap! So far I've learnt that people aren't as bad as I've thought!
When I got dx a month ago, a lot of people had a lot to say. The one comment that got on my nerves was "It's not a death sentence, you'll be fine" Well.... ummm STFU!!! I don't have time for this crappola! grrrrrr
Sometimes saying nothing is so much nicer than saying something.0 -
Well we are all awesome in my book as we are strong women!
0 -
My boss walked into our staff meeting a bit late and said, "You're still bald," in a rather cheery voice! And at our Holiday Party last year, instead of saying something like, "We're glad Barb's doing great," she announced, "Barb's going through treatment...that's why she's wearing the scarf." And a co-worker, when I told her I wasn't looking forward to the breast MRI, and IV, she said, "Eeeuuuww!" and compared my not liking needles to her not liking spiders! I also heard, "You look good!" so many times, that I started wondering how bad I looked before I got cancer! I know people are uncomfortable, and don't know what to say, but what gems!0 -
I have learned recently as I I tell peope that you can expect all kinds of stupidity. Just when I think I can brace myself for the worst of it, another one comes my way, leaving me with my mouth open not sure what to say - Really??!!. Anyway, bkackcats201 is right - we are all awesome, for putting up with such stuff.0 -
I've heard a lot of dumb things. When I was first diagnosed, a friend wanted to come to chemo with me because she needed a reminder to stay in gratitude. I'm pretty good about letting thinga roll off my back if I can see the person is well meaning but stupid. Plus I really don't want to be the resident teacher for my friends/relatives on what to say to a cancer patient. God bless those that can, it's just not for me.
This latest one though, really got my goat and I ended up cussing the person (a relative) out. Ww were at a party and she grabbed my arms (never good) and said "when I was being wheeled into the operating room for heart surgery, all I kept praying was "THANK GOD IT'S NOT CANCER! !!!" This person has always bothered me and I went off on her like none other. The worst part was that I had to apologize to keep the peace (husband's blood relative).ugh I never want to be in that position again.....but I cussed her up one side and down the other, I don't think Ieft a word out and a person next to me said they could tell I was holding myself back from punching her.
Nothing was meant with good intentions, it was all fear but I'm not the person to have that convo with. I can deal with stupid good intentions. ......I can't deal with another's fear except my husband0 -
Planet,
As usual, you always crack me up...;)
I think what bugs me the most is when people say "You just have to have a positive attitude and everything will be fine." Or they say, even worse, "They caught it early, so you're going to be cured or you are cured; you're ONLY STAGE 1...& at least you didnt have to have chemo/will NEVER have to have chemo. ..they cure BC early now...I know a lady who has a waaaay worse stage than you..."
Blah-Blah. ..Of course these people are clueless & have no fecking IDEA what they are talking about...nor the possibility of recurrence...Sigh.
BUT, what pisses me off even worse, is when doctors/surgeons/ oncologists basically tell you the same thing AND, seem to be absolutely CLUELESS about the REALITY of any repercussions & or SE's post mastectomy/recon...especially concerning Neuropathy Issues/pain.
I've heard sooo many times, "It usually just goes away on its own." Really? It ought to be MANDATORY for
sites and similar sites !!these cancer doctors to study and read/LEARN about collective patients' experiences on breastcancer.org
V
0 -
thank you violet! If I can bring a smile to anyone's face I am happy. Even if its at my own expense!
I agree, a little of the positive attitude and the you'll be fines go a long way. I remember early on someone said: that I would be fine and I responded with really? That's not what my doctor says. Awkward silence.........0 -
Kaza : My cousins live in St. Columb. I can't believe I didn't crash the car on the narrow roads there ! HAA. I love it there too, even the monster size snails! I live in US - South Dakota, the state with the Mt. Rushmore national monument. So many of us have heard completely assinine comments from some. I just love it (not) when they compare others dx's to ours. Like stage 1 is the "best" outcome. Would they shut up if I told them my friend with Stage 2 had a recurrence and how about my other friend stage 1 who also had recurrence and has to do antibiotic injections every 3 weeks for god knows how long ?? (((())))) huggzzz
0 -
OK - here is a good reason why no one should ever say anything like 'at least you don't have.....' (you can fill in the blank). A friend (?!) of mine commented to me after I told her I had autoimmune version of Osteoarthritis, 'At least its not cancer'. 6 months laster, I was diagnosed with cancer.... Now, I was still pretty ticked at the origional comment, so decided not to tell her for a while, as I wasn't sure I could tell her without getting angry. I also found out that automimmune deseases make cancer treatment harder - rub a bit of salt in the cancer wound...). When I eventually did tell her, she seemed to feel bad, but couldn't help but let me know she didn't like how I was 'dealing' with the new diagnosis ( I use humor a lot to deal with stress). The moral of this story? I don't really have one... maybe its people say stupid stuff and we need earmuffs at times.0 -
My surgeon said "At least it isn't heart disease!!" and then HE went on to have emergency heart surgery from a problem he didn't even know he had!!! Then I went on to require a pacemaker.....be careful of what you say!!!!0 -
Your right Barbe - Karma does have an interesting way of leveling things out...BTW I like your quote! The day I picked out my sheba puppy and had 6 sheba pups dance around me, I knew I had been to heaven! Heaven and hell are with us daily - we seem to only notice the hell.0 -
New here, but I have a few:
1) Called to tell my brother I had been diagnosed with breast cancer, His response - " I have bad things too, you know."
(That one actually made me laugh even at the time.)
2) My cousin: "Well, it's not like you ever had big boobs anyway."
(She's actually very sweet and was trying to be funny)
3) FB posting sent to me - "Man cures himself of cancer with natural treatments" -
Me: " He had surgery"
Her: "But he decided not to have chemo and the doctors said he should"
Me: They told him he'd have a 60% chance of living without the chemo. That's like saying you didn't use a condom and didn't get pregnant, so there's no reason to use birth control.
Her: I'm just saying - there's no reason to do chemo. He lived without it.
*sigh*0 -
Welome Ziggypop, I'm pretty new too. Family seems to say the dumbest stuff, dont they? My mother informed me tonight that instead of reconstruction, which granted, is significant surgery, she thought I should just stuff my bra with socks.0 -
While starting my night shift two days ago.....i had a sore throat most of the day, it was too late to ring in sick, so i went to work, on handover the person i was taking over from said......the trouble is a cold is not just a cold for you now!!!!!!! i looked at her and said, and why is that, she said well you know with your immune system and all that....that may be true but didnt need reminding of it!!!!!!ahhhhhh0 -
Jab: I really feel for you. Family and friends are sometimes scared for us -- I get that. But saying randon stuff trying to be funny doesn't work well with me.
OK - I don't know tell me if I'm being overly sensitive. At the last 6 month checkup with onc., we were discussing how I'm close to the 5 year mark post-treatment and doesn't that make me happy. REALLY??? No, it doesn't lessen the fact that we can have early or even "late" recurrences for any and all BC survivors. What would make me happy is to see more women really cured and less women leaving us too soon! sayin....
0 -
Shelly, totally agree. I finished radiation last week and my radiology oncologist announced that I was "cancer free". It's bad enough when people say dumb things, but I was particularly bristled by that comment from a doctor. I just chalked it up to a medical establishment that doesn't have anything better to offer us yet.
MsP0 -
Pharoah: Exactly! Nothing better in the way of "treatment" has happened for many years. A friend's mom with BC almost 30 years ago was offered the same treatments of today. We can just hope they're getting better at stopping the cancer cells from going haywire. And I'd love to pretend cancer never happened to me, but it's pretty tough to do that when "Pinktober" is upon us !
0 -
Wait for it.... "Was it ever verified that you had cancer?" This coming from my significant other that I have been with for 10 years. Then he said, " I was just thinking of all the stuff we had been through ..." I did not yell or call him any bad names. I just calmly told him that I had a biopsy and I was diagnosed then and the. Again with surgery had it staged. WTF.0 -
Was it ever verfied? Really? Where was he when you were having surgery and such?0 -
Native Mainer- he was right there...
I informed him that doctors do not prescribe chemo or rads to people without a dx!!!!! The word "verified" through me for a loop.0 -
Thinking of a good reply after the event....so tired of being made to feel different...had a cold a week ago, one person at work said, you dont get JUST a cold anymore, to which i replied and why is that, she said well you know with your immune system and all that, this week another person at work said you have had that cold for a long time, colds only last two days....colds actually last for a week. Why are people so insensitive to us, i guess it is their own insecurities, looking for reasons bla bla bla......funny thing both these people are obese, with my new healthy living exercise and diet my immune system is probably stronger than theirs...any thoughts on this kaza xxxxxx0 -
Cyborg--he is an idiot.
kaza--your immune system is probably stronger than theirs! A lot of people are just ignorant.0 -
Kaza, when I was pregnant with my first child (33 years ago!) I remember a very "large" girl in the office saying "We're going to be watching, so make sure you lose all the pregnancy fat!" Like, what do you say to that????0
