The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
Comments
-
am confused here, why would someone who has been treated for breast cancer's immune system be compromised unless actually in the middle of chemo? totally ignorant. a cold is a cold. enough to worry about without freaking out every time I sneeze.0 -
It is strange how people think that just because you have had BC they can offer you an opinion on things they know nothing about! I had a nurse that was at least 80 pounds overweight tell me that I need to lose 6 more pounds when I had already lost 20 pounds and am a size 10!!0 -
Jelson--a small percentage of people getting chemo have a permanently depressed immune system, but generally, no, unless you are in the middle of treatment or in the 3 months after it ends the immune system is fine. The person saying this was an idiot.0 -
Oh thank you, all for your replies, i will go to work tonight, head held high having a hand on heart feeling actually we are the stronger ones, hugs to you all kaza xxx0 -
Hi all,
Again, I think its because this is all stil pretty new to me amd my defences are up, but why is it everyone seems to think they can give you advise? I know this has been asked before but seriously, why?
I had an extramurial nurse, smoker, bad dental hygiene, and smelling of booze ask me if I had 'looked' at my breast yet, and I had to 'come to terms with it....Where do I start.. Of course I looked, idiot - If you wash (which she does not...) you have to look. And when you wake up and touch your breast, you come to terms pretty freaking fast. I am also sick of the pitty voice 'you poor thing...'. I for one, am not weak or brittle, my breast does not define me now or who I will become, and I will get through this, like many great ladies before me. If you cannot stand beside me and support me, get the hell out of my way and keep your stupid comments to yourself.
Venting again, sorry (Just 5 days out of surgery, so not quite worn down yet....). I'm actually normally pretty quite....0 -
Hi All,
I know I'm very sensitive about questions people ask me about my breast cancer. The question I hate the most is "what stage are you?" I feel like they are trying to figure out if I'm going to die soon or not. Then they seem to like to tell me about someone they know that is alive 20 years later.....and that I'll be fine. I just want to punch them.
Oh well....
When people ask me "what stage?" these days, I just say "I don't like to discuss that." That usually shuts them up.0 -
I don't know if this qualifies for a dumb comment but it definitely qualifies for hurtful. My sister and I were going out to eat and we started to talk about my son and the store he's trying to open. My sister began to criticize him about making bad decisions (she admits she's critical but feels she has the right to be when people are doing wrong things). After she kept going on and on for about 15 minutes and told me that my son and I can't face reality. I couldn't take it anymore and explained that, since I was dx Stage IV only 6 months ago, he and I are having a hard time accepting and dealing with it. I told her we get hit in the face with reality everyday. Her response to me was, "Anyone can die at anytime. We could get in a car crash." It was truly like a punch to my gut that she could be so flippant about what we are going through. This is my only sister and the person I thought my son could lean on when I'm gone. Anyway the argument continued, I asked her to take me home. On the way home I told her she really hurt me with her statement and that it's very insensitive to say that to someone with Stage IV cancer. She said, "People with cancer think their feelings are more important than other people's feelings." I told her I never bring up my feelings because I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I also told an example was when we were on a trip together because she refused to take cabs even though I can't walk for more than a few minutes without pain and wobblyness. I kept telling her that I didn't think I could walk very far and she responded that it was only 6 blocks. So we walked and I barely made, it was more like 8 blocks, after dinner we headed home. I kept having to sit down, about every block, I also couldn't keep up with her. I spent the entire walk about 4 feet behind her. After I sat down for about the 4th time, I wanted to get a cab. She insisted our hotel was only a short distance away. I barely made it back and that evening I was stiff as a board. The next day we took a bus tour and it drops us off 4 blocks from our hotel. I asked to call a cab and she said it wasn't very far. I asked her if was "her not very far or my not very far?" She said it was only 4 blocks. I was upset but bit my tongue. So I told her that she really hurt me by ignoring my pain and discomfort by not letting us take cabs. She replied "who takes a cab to go 4 blocks?" Then she added that she would never go on another trip with me anyway. Her parting shot was, "don't ever talk to me again about anything, your son, your health, nothing." This happened 3 days ago and I'm only now able to write about it. I literally cried for 2 entire days. I took sleeping pills just to fall asleep. I'm trying to convince myself that she was just mad. It just seems to me that the way she said it that this is the way she really feels. I still feel depressed and confused by this. We haven't spoken since and sometimes I feel like I should call her but I know I wouldn't be able to not cry. Maybe a little time will help. Thanks for listening to my rant. If anyone has any advice I'd like to hear it.0 -
Seriously?!?
They actually said "halfway to becoming a man" ???? I don't think I could've let that one go.
A nurse at the cancer center I go to YELLED at me the other day when I asked if someone could call back and talk with me about WHY they suggest a mastectomy. ( I was just told they now want to do a mx this past week. ) She said " If we tell you you need a mastectomy then you need one. We know what we're doing. We don't just cut your breasts off for no reason."
The scheduler who called my back at work next said she couldn't believe this woman said that and actually yelled at me. She said not to worry, she'd report her.
Twice I said to this NURSE " You're very angry with me and I don't understand why. I'm just asking a question about suggested treatment. I'm the one standing here with the cancer diagnosis." She never even changed tone or apologized. NICE.0 -
aaoaao, I am so sorry that you had to experience that awful outburst from your Sister.
I don't have any advice for you, but have to say, although I don't have any siblings, she just sounds terribly selfish and opinionated. I can imagine that you are having a terrible time trying to decide what to do. It is a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. Call her, and you risk feeling worse, don't call and you're constantly thinking about it.
I would hope that your sister may have come to her senses and realized what a gaff she has made, and calls you, as she should.
I hope you can get past this, no one deserves to feel like this. I wish I could reach out and hug you! x0 -
Good grief Tessa W, That woman needs a good slapping! How dare she, and what on earth is she doing in that job.
I am so terribly saddened when I hear of these insensitive comments made to people when they are at there most vulnerable. As if there isn't enough going on without having a statement like that playing on your mind.
These bloody idiots need to be reported and spoken to, by superiors for these inhuman statements. People skills are definitely lacking.
I hope the sting has dissipated a bit, but it is the kind of comment that you won't forget.
I have to ask you, what the magazine picture is on your avatar?0 -
Thank you!! That's how I felt. She should NOT even be working at the cancer center or anywhere with human contact if that's the way she treats people in general, let alone someone dealing with bc.
It's a play on Victoria's Secret. It says IT'S NO SECRET at the top with the woman exposing her mx scar. When I found it I sort of felt like it was a "TAKE THAT" to the societal stigma that says if you've had a Mx you're not sexy anymore.
Problem is, it's so small in avatar form that I don't know if it's getting that message across. Kinda just looks like a woman in her underwear.
I just haven't found a new pic to put up there yet. So much for being creative and inspiring. : p lol0 -
I see it now. I thought it was an actual magazine, but being that size I didn't put it together.
I imagine you were possibly like me, after the altercation with that woman, I bet you thought of a million great comebacks.
Don't worry, she'll get hers!0 -
I did too at first. I thought OOH, actual NICE looking lingerie for after an mx. pfft. Nope.
Oh I sure hope she gets hers! If she was that way with me, you know she does it to other women as well. I was teared up by the end of the call. It was just the last straw that day you know?0 -
Have a look at some of the new Amoena range in lingerie. There are some nice pieces. I have had a pocket put into a nice La Perle bra too. I always wore really nice lingerie before, don't have any reason to totally change that now. It is just a matter of finding the right coverage. I have a Contact prosthesis, among my ever growing stash of foobs and prosthesis, which works really well in a nice bra.
I must admit, I have changed to some athletic crop top bras that take a weighted foam, or micro bead form. They are so comfy, and look good under an athletic jacket or tank.
I totally understand how you must have felt after that call, and I would think about the others she could be hurting too.
I am not generally one to cry, but I know that if that happened to me at this very vulnerable time, I'd tear up too!0 -
I will ! I've always liked pretty lingerie, but so far the post mx stuff I've seen is hideous. You would think more companies would jump on the band wagon because when more than after a mx do you need to feel pretty in lingerie?
Thanks so much.0 -
You're welcome!
I totally agree! There are a few people trying to bring some pretty things into the Mx market. I am always searching the net, looking for new things.
I like Amoena things because they actually make there bras with straps that are cut differently so they don't fall off your shoulders, and their pockets hold a prosthesis well.
Finding what works for you is all just trial and error. My Husband laughs at me and says I am he only person he knows who could turn BC into a shopping expedition!
Take care!0 -
aaoaao, GENTLE HUGS. Normally this thread tends to lean toward the quick quips for answers ... but in your case its different. Sometimes I think a "nastiest things people have said to you" thread would be more appropriate. When I read a post like yours I'm reminded how much more people are becoming more vindictive, meaner, and the worst of all, more selfish....like totally narcissistic. I know this because there's no shortage of hideous comments and Ive been on the receiving end as well.
Of course we don't know your long standing relationship with your sister but there was ABSOLUTELY NO NEED in any circumstances for you to be treated like that. From your post she is a nasty insensitive and horrible person. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I am even VERY ANGERED on your behalf, especially her insensitivity about making you walk that distance.
One thing I can say... adversity always tends to bring out the best or the worst in someone. If your sister doesnt deal with her UNACCEPTABLE attitude, in the end she will be much worse off, and you are the one who has shown you are the better person. Though it may be painful, I think the best thing to do is let her stew in her own juice. She told you what she wants so OK let her have it her way. She hasn't really left you any option anyway. If she doesn't change for the better and make amends then she's not worth stressing over. I know it's hard being family but she needs to do some serious apologizing.
Hugs again.0 -
After my DX I told my sister that she'd have to stay on top of her mammograms as mom had it too. Her reply was that she didn't have to worry because she ate right and exercised! So i guess my cancer was all my fault. When she was diagnosed a year later the mean part of me wanted to say something but I didn't. I offered to take her to chemo like she did for me. She told me that she didn't need help because she had family. She said I had no one and that's why she helped. Nice.
A local man came to my workplace and asked me what breast it was. ??? Another told me if I had chemo I'd be dead in two years.
I had arranged to do chemo closer to home in a satellite clinic. The physicians's ass't told me I didn't need chemo and he wasn't going to give it to me just because I wanted it! This after an oncologist at one of the best clinics in the country told me I did need it. I left his office and had my chemo elsewhere. After my first chemo I had to go to the ER because I had a violent reaction to it and had to be hospitalized. I called ahead to the closest ER to see if I should come down and he answered the phone because apparently he worked the there too. I was delirious and when he identified himself I blurted out " oh no, you are that horrible man from the cancer clinic".
I'm sure many of you have heard this: After my DX a lady came up to me and said how lucky are you. You get a free boob job."
Or you will be fine, it's only BC,
I'm sorry for the things that insensitive things people have said to you ladies. Hang in there and stay strong!
0 -
TessaW--YES, YOU HAVE A SAY IN WHAT PROCEDURES ARE DONE TO YOU!!!!!!!The first thing you need to do is get a consultation appointment with at least 2 plastic surgeons, from different offices/practices, from different geographic locations if possible.Find out what all your options are.Have another appointment with the breast surgeon, find out what your options are there.Mastectomy, skin sparing mastectomy, lumpectomy, no surgery, radiation, chemo before surgery.There are probably even more options.I would highly recommend interviewing at least one other breast surgeon, too, the current one not giving you your options is blatant malpractice.Have you seen an oncologist yet?Get a referral to one BEFORE making any more treatment choices.When you see the oncologist ask to see the social worker, that person can help you with financial decisions and help you connect with the ADA (cancer is an automatic disability) and can help you advocate for yourself with your employer.
Someone already said this, but you do not need to do recon immediately.I took time between my mastectomy and recon to research my options more thoroughly, and was very glad I did.The best option for me wasn't available in my area, I had to travel and it took some time to set up everything.
Your boss making work decisions based on social media information is pretty stupid.I would ignore him/her, or just say your doctor hasn't told you yet what the restrictions will be.Your boss can make all the plans he/she wants, but that doesn't mean the reality will match up.
As to the nurse who yelled at you, please report her.And if anyone brings you papers to sign say "I can't sign that, my questions haven't been answered."Say that to EVERY piece of paper they want you to sign, even if they say it's just routine.You can say "It's routine to get INFORMED consent, I can't give that, my questions haven't been answered."Play like a broken record, repeat in the same words and same tone over and over until you get answers.Have a list of questions with you, take another person with you, and record the sessions.They CAN"T say you cannot record YOUR appointment.Anyone not wanting to be recorded has the option to not treat you, and that tells you something about that person.If they ask you to not record, say "My lawyer advised me to do this and told me it's my right at MY appointment."0 -
One of the biggest things we have to learn from all this is to stay away from TOXIC people. Even if they are family! Especially if they are family!! We expect family at least, to be supportive, but they very often are not! I wonder if they're in denial.... My sister, a nurse, told me that at least I had the "good" kind of breast cancer (very rare Papiliary Carcinoma) because her friend had to have chemo and rads. I asked if her friend had a double mast, too, and she said no, but (again) she had chemo and rads!! Of course, now she denies saying that, but my DH remembers me getting off the phone from her (across the country) and telling him. There is no point arguing as someone else's reality will never match your own. I just never talk about it first and if she says anything I just mention a recent scan or biopsy to gently remind her that the fear never ends......
No one has ever asked me what stage I am (Ib) and I would be surprised if they did! I've seen stage 0 women progress right to stage IV on these forums. Do people think we work our way up from stage 0 to stage 4?????? Stage is ONLY used for treatment purposes. Are they trying to act "wise"?? I hate when people try to make me think they know more about my own disease than I do!!!0 -
The week after I was diagnosed my husband's uncle phoned to cheer me up. He told me - "Everyone has to come to terms with dying some time."
I thanked him and told him that at age 48 I had to intention of coming to terms with dying!
Funny thing is this man is a psychologist by profession.
Now I think its funny. At the time it happened - not so much.0 -
aaoaao
I am so sorry your sister was so horrible and insensitive to you. Unfortunately we cannot choose our family and sometimes they are the worst ones for being mean and insensitive. I too have heard the 'anyone can die at anytime ' comment ! So ridiculous !
Perhaps you need to take a break from her. You don't need to be dealing with all of this on top of your illness. Be kind to yourself, spoil yourself with something you enjoy and don't think about her while you are doing it.
Hugs.0 -
I went to pick up my Prosthesis, Mastectomy bra, and Lymphedema sleeves and gauntlet at my local medical supply house this past Friday. The Mastectomy Fitter asked if I minded if another woman came in to "shadow" because she was training to be the new fitter. I said fine.
So we go into the small dressing room, and first I put on the new Lymphedema sleeve and gauntlet. Then it is Prosthesis and bra time, so I turn my back on the women and start removing my current bra. I say to the women, "Make sure you get your mammograms, ladies."
The fitter said she had gotten hers at age 35 as she had family history. The "shadow" woman said, "Oh I am 44 yrs old and haven't had a mammogram because it hurts too much because of all that squeezing."
I whip around, by this time naked from the waste up with my no boob 10 inch scar and my 42DD remaining breast, and practically yell, "This is what hurts - no breast and 18 months of active treatment. And you are afriad of a little squeeze?" I darn near hit her. I regained my composure just in time.0 -
aaoaao, I am also sorry for what your sister said. She sounds selfish.
When I told my mother, she quickly phoned my sister and I expected to hear from her, but nothing, 2 months rolled around and finally I told my father that I had not heard from my sister. The next day she called and left a message on my answering machine and I returned her call. The upshot was she delayed in calling me back because she got 'busy' with her new boyfriend (she is 54), and then became afraid of how I was going to respond when she did. (It was my fault...). Yup, I lost it. I told her that, if ther was ever a nuclear holocaust of being a bad sister - She was it, and that she could starting acting like she cared, or we were simpy people that didn't like each other but would see each other a few times a year. She is trying now, weakly, but trying.
This all happened days before my surgery and drained me emotionally, and I am not sure it was really worth it. As Barb1958 said, we need to protect ourselves against negative energy and toxic people - We all need to find our own way of doing this but it is HARD, but essential to a good recovery. Before I had cancer I knew that some peope (and family) are petty, ignorant and just plain stupid. I'm not sure why I thought this was going to change just because I now have cancer. Now, when someone acts like an idoit regarding my cancer, I ask myself two things 1) Do I really care what this person thinks (I likely didn't care what they thought before I had cancer, so why care now....), and 2) If I do care, is it worth my very valuable energy.
All of this reminds me of something my father said recently. I asked him how he and mom made it through 57 years of marriage particularily now when my mother is showing signs of senility. His response was, 'when she says stupid things, I don't listen'. Words to live by....0 -
Aaoaao -- I struggled not to cry just reading what happened, I can't imagine how hurt you must be feeling. Sending huge, huge hugs your way. I feel like the standard answer to a situation like yours is "everyone deals with it in their own way" and I'm sure your sister IS scared for you but I can't fathom in what world it would be OK to treat you the way she did. I don't have any words of wisdom, just my sincere sympathy that you have to deal with someone so cruel & insensitive, especially someone you would hope to lean on during all this. This makes me grateful that I'm not in contact with my family & none of them even know I had cancer. HUGS.0 -
Iowa, I can't tell you how many times I've gotten the boob job comment too. My grandma of 91 said I got bc because I drank soda. Pfft, people just don't know what to say, and why the heck did the guy want to know which boob? Criminy.0 -
Native ~ Thank you for the info and your fighters spirit. I don't know if I could do all of that, whew. Other than the cancer center downtown here I don't know where else I would go, but I will do some of the things you suggested.
He actually told you he wouldn't give you chemo just bc you wanted it? Like anyone WANTS it! (Yeah, like a hole in the head.) Amazing these things come from people in the medical industry.0 -
I want to thank everyone for the kind words, they were really needed. I still haven't heard from my sister. I don't think I can call her because it still hurts too much. Whenever I think about that day I still cry. I'm just going to let time take its course. Maybe with time the hurt will pass and I can call her but right now I'm still just too emotionally fragile. I'm usually a pretty strong person but this incident really shook me up. I literally crawled into bed and sobbed for a good two hours (took some meds to sleep but couldn't), after that I just laid there until it became dark. I wrote my sister a letter about why I felt the way I did but I haven't sent it because I'm afraid she'll get mad or think I'm just trying to get pity. I think at this point time is the only answer. At least a good thing came out of this...I haven't been able to eat much the past few days and I lost almost 5 pounds. My oncologist wants me to lose weight, so maybe I need someone to punch me in the gut (figuratively speaking). Just kidding, I'm just trying to make myself laugh a little about this crap. I will get over this, I've gotten over a lot of pain in my life (physical, emotional and sexual abuse) and became stronger, this too shall pass and I will grow from it. Hugs to you all! Strive to enjoy each day because sometimes that is all we have.0 -
I'm so sorry for what you're going through.
I hear it helps to write letters but never send them. You get all of your feelings out on paper, but don't have to send it. Keep writing, it may be a good outlet.
HUGS0
