The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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(((((hugs)))))0 -
Denise, being a DD do you ever think about having them take the other one as well? I'm a D and I'm concerned. I have to decide whether or not to go bilateral and soon.0 -
iowagirl1 ...
A local man came to my workplace and asked me what breast it was. - Whaaaat?
... I'd be tempted to say "the one I feel like shoving down your throat".
Another told me if I had chemo I'd be dead in two years. - Show me your qualifications that gives you a right to say that?
Or you will be fine, it's only BC, ....Really? the odds are increasingly great that you'll find out first hand how fine it all is.
BC rates pretty low on the scale but we all know there are other diseases equal to and even worse than BC, like motor neuron disease. None of this gives ANYONE the right to minimize what someone else is going through by drawing a parallel between what's worse and whats the worst. What these types are really saying is "don't remind me about what I don't want to happen to me."
aaoaao The ones we love the most also have the capacity to hurt us the most. They also can be EXTREMELY toxic. What makes it harder is you can pick your friends but you can't pick your relatives and the closer they are the harder it is to deal with. I hope you are feeling a little better and can come to the right decision for you about your sister. Quite often part of growing is also standing up to things when we are wronged.
I think it was Ariom who said "if I could reach through the screen and give you hugs" - Me too.0 -
Native...I admire your determination about reporting abuse
I'm sorry to say "been there, done that" and even sorrier to say this problem I strongly suspect is more widespread than any of us know.
"They CAN"T say you cannot record YOUR appointment.Anyone not wanting to be recorded has the option to not treat you, and that tells you something about that person.If they ask you to not record, say "My lawyer advised me to do this and told me it's my right at MY appointment." " I also STRONGLY agree about utilizing recording. I love your reasoning here because it's different to my approach in the past, which I've since found out has wiggle room in that it left room to be declined. Mine was upfront but I always asked first. Now I'll adopt, ask first and if declined, then TELL. (lol)
Pretty much all my appointments were and still are recorded. Suffice it to say if I hadn't done this, things could have had a much less desirable outcome when I needed to report an issue. I would advise against surreptitiously (audio) recording anyone. There could be very steep penalties (depending on your jurisdiction) for doing so. In my country FORTUNATELY only one person (in the conversation) has to be aware the recording is taking place, but I don't believe this is the case in other countries. Video presents a totally different and surprisingly lenient (in my jurisdiction) set of laws. In such a litigious world we dont need any more pressure than we are already under so I hope this helps.0 -
Thanks Musical..I agree with you 100% about family hurting you the worst and how some are toxic, Well, my sister came by (she was preparing the barn for winter), at first I couldn't decide whether or not to go out and talk to her. I figured by staying in she might think I was still mad (I was never mad but hurt), I decided to be the bigger person and go out to see if she needed any help putting up the tarps. In the past, we always did it together. I was very nervous going out because I thought she might reject me or say something hurtful. Her response to my offer was no. I continued to carry on a conversation with her about the horses, etc. She began to talk but it's still very awkward. I knew she wasn't going to apologize..she's stubborn that way. I'm sure she feels she is right and I'm wrong. However, for the sake of the family and with the Holidays coming up, I thought it would be better for us to be at least cordial with one another. I will be there for her if she ever needs me because that's the way I am, but I will be very careful sharing any information about my life in any way or to get too emotionally attached. I'll be friendly but not close, at least not they way I felt before. I now clearly realize she is who she is, a critical and at times harsh person. I think she lacks the ability to feel empathy. So by distancing myself I can at least protect myself from her toxicity. Anyway, I want to thank everyone here for making me feel better. I'm not crying any more, I'm done with letting it get to me. You all have been great in helping me get there. I'm sorry for all the insensitive, dumb things people say to you. We need to lean on the people who really want to support us and ignore the many idiots out there. Hugs and love to everyone.0 -
I am so amazed by the comments made by such stupid people, you have to wonder how they make it through life, being so stupid and insensitive.
I have been pretty lucky, thus far, except for a work colleague who, would you believe, had exactly the same Dx as me. When she asked me what kind of recon I was having, and I told her I had decided not to go there, she rendered me speechless by saying "Oh gosh, how could you bear to look at yourself! Nice!
My experience so far, Tessa W, with my C/D other side, is that it just isn't an issue, for me. I decided to keep my other breast because I just couldn't, in good conscience remove my healthy side. It has proved to be the right decision for me. I am fast approaching the first anniversary of my surgery and I am very comfortable with both my decision, and the day to day living with one breast and a wardrobe of foobs, boobs and prosthesis!
Do I think about getting BC in the healthy side? Yep, occasionally, but I also sometimes think about getting something else, or another cancer somewhere else. I don't dwell, but hey, I am not getting any younger!
I know there are many women here who have been driven mad by having that extraneous breast, and have decided to go flat. I admire their choice, and I would like to have the option for flatness, but not enough to remove my breast, so as with everything associated with this disease, there are just so many options. It is just a matter of finding what fits with you!0 -
aaoaao, Consider yourself hugged from across the ocean!
That sister of yours just doesn't know what she's missing, by being so insensitive to you.
I do hope you can mend the awkwardness.
When the time comes for her to need you, you'll be there with unconditional love, maybe then she'll get a pang of guilt, for her stupid ways. I sure hope so!0 -
Tessa,
I was a 38DD before my uni mx and had a tissue expander inserted at the time of surgery. When the exchange for a silicone insert was done, I had a reduction/lift on the non-cancer side and I'm a 38C or D now, depending on the bra. From what I've read, there is no great advantage to taking off a healthy breast, unless you are BRCA1 or BRCA2 (or have some other genetic tendency) and the advantage is that you still have sensitivity in the remaining breast. As young as you are, you might want to consider that.0 -
aaoaao, we are all different in the way we handle things, and you sound like a lovely gentle and caring person cutting your sister way more slack than she deserves. However the upside is, what you are doing is heaping more coals of fire on her head, as it were. There is no surer principle than the reaping and sewing one. You ARE the bigger person, and what goes around comes around. (eventually). There is NO defense against (true) love.
"she's stubborn that way" - pride comes before a fall.
Gentle and warm hugs.0 -
Wow aaoaao. I agree that it sounds like your sister is totally selfish. It also sounds like she's used to being in the limelight. As much as we don't want it, once dx'd, the spotlight turns to us - good with the bad. Doesn't sound like she can handle you're needing supportive people around you much less it be her.
The hardest thing to accept on this journey is not the dx but all the people we thought we could count on but disappear on us. Friends, family, co-workers. You name it. The upside is that God usually brings someone we least expected to take their place. They are the ones who show compassion and offer the kind of support that we really need. This is a tough one but once past the initial shock, you'll find a way to "divorce" all the negative nellies in your life and attach yourself to those who encourage and uplift. Big lesson for all of us.
Tessa, there are a lot of pin heads out there. Fortunately you've found some support staff more than happy to report the dimwit!
Sue
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aaoaao
I was just having a conversation with a friend last night about how you cannot choose your relatives. She was saying that if her sister was not related to her, they would never be friends. I have a brother that I have a long complicated history with that I no longer see. It helps that we live in different provinces. I agree with Musical that you seem like a very loving, caring person. I am sure you have many people in your life that appreciate you. It also sounds like you sister was born without the empathy gene! I know several people like that and I pity them. Empathy is one if the most important qualities a person can have.
Big warm hugs to you!!0 -
Empathy is one if the most important qualities a person can have.
I absolutely agree. I also think it is a choice. We can choose to be selfish or not. My situation sounds similar to yours with your brother only mine is a sister. If there were any words or actions of empathy from her, I don't remember them. BC took another dearly beloved sister who I was so close to and miss to this day. My faith in God is the only thing that gets me past this seemingly unfair situation. Just as well in the end there is a bigger picture and just retribution. In the meantime Ive learnt to say it is what it is.0 -
musical
I do agree it is a choice. Anyone can learn to be empathetic if they want too.
People cannot understand what it is like to go through this. I know I couldn't before I was diagnosed. I have a friend who lives in another province that has texted me on a regular basis about how I must feel wonderful now that treatment is over. She will say things like "don't you feel like a million bucks now?" It's as if she thinks I have been at the spa for the last 9 months!!! I finally texted her back and said 'I am at 500k on a good day'!!
People don't get it!!0 -
"Anyone can learn to be empathetic if they want too."
Exactly.0 -
I think that you have to get "it" to "get" it.0 -
I agree with you all. Push away from the people who aren't there for you and pull towards the true and loyal loved ones. I've cut out a couple of people who I realized only wanted me around when I was healthy enough to be useful. When I became ill, they became either too busy or even told me they couldn't help me (one even said emotionally he couldn't handle it). I'm so grateful and will never forget those who've at least try to help lift me up. As for my sister, yes she is used to being the one in charge. I look back at other things she's said and realize the signs were there all along. When I told her my toenails hurt and I'm losing two of them, her response was, I stubbed my toe one time and the nail fell off..so it's not that big of a deal. Hey girl, your toenail fell off because you had a booboo...my are falling off because I'm being injected with poison every week...probably until I die. I really do realize she just will never understand. I'm sorry to say this but I've known other people like her and they usually end up alone because of their inability to truly and unconditionally love another person. I'd rather be me than her...even if it hurts sometimes. I do have the world's best son (I know I'm bias) and my mother would give up everything for me. I have no doubt nothing would ever stop either one from being there for me. Even being loved my one person makes life worth living. I hope everyone here always has someone who loves them forever. Much peace and happiness to you all. I've never seen such a supportive group of people and thank you.0 -
You are so welcome aaoaao! I am so glad you have the love of a wonderful son, and Mother.0 -
To be loved one must know how to love. I truly believe this to be true. Didn't mean to hijack..lol..this thread. Now on a lighter note, have many of you been mistaken for a man? I've been called sir at least 3 times this summer. For some reason this didn't upset me like I thought it would. I've felt bad for a couple of the people who did this because I could tell they were embarrassed and felt bad. Once when I forgot to wear my hat in the grocery store, I thought hey they'll just think I'm a guy, not that I have cancer. Sometimes, I know it's weird, but I find thoughts like that funny. I never thought I'd prefer being seen as a guy. When it happened while my son and I were at a restaurant, we both just laughed. Ah..don't judge a book by it's cover. I bet the waiter makes sure to look before he speaks again. He was so embarrassed, I actually wanted to tell him not to worry about it. Another waiter, I swear if he could have given me the restaurant he would have, kept checking on me to see if I needed anything. When I got up to leave, he even offered to get me a soda to go. This is a mostly dine-in sit down restaurant..I've never seen them give soda to take home. Maybe some people would have gotten mad but I took it as he felt real sensitive to what I was going through and wanted to make my day brighter even if only in a small way.0 -
WOW aaoaao HUGS! You are such a sweet person! Your sister doesn't deserve someone like you as a sister. Sounds like she has the typical traits of a narcissist who always want the attention for themselves and forever try to steer the conversation/focus to themselves. Im glad you'd rather be yourself any day than her. Sometimes I really wonder if family can be soooo nasty because they are guilty of something, like jealousy, that you might get more attention because of your situation, or something. Guilt can cause people to do some pretty whacky things, but they're still accountable for their actions.
I think friends who suddenly drop off the face of the earth when youre dx with something like BC weren't friends in the 1st place. That includes family. More likely they were just users. You're better off without them, at least until they learn some principles like integrity. Theres nothing like BC to sort out the sheep from the goats.0 -
I've been somewhat of a hermit since starting chemo, and that's probably saved me from a lot of stupid comments.
I have gotten a few comments about how I could always get a wig and how good so-and-so looked with hers (because obviously I don't look good without one).
On the other hand, the nicest thing anyone has said was my best friend saying she would take this (cancer) from me if she could.
I almost forgot, when I told my teen daughter that I didn't want to do chemo, she said, "Couldn't you just wait until it's stage three?" She just didn't understand, and her tone was very sympathetic.
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Your post mustve crossed with mine aaoaao....I dont think youve hi-jacked this thread at all. Thats what this community is about. Supporting one another in their need. I think for the most part, people do try and do and say the right thing, but may actually say the wrong thing because they dont know what to say. I overlook that. You can always tell if the comment/action comes "compliments" of a little barb, or are indeed plain out nasty. Those ones I don't hesitate to answer accordingly.0 -
That's what I try to look at...the intent of the comment. Some people don't know what to say or they make a mistake and regret it. I tend to feel more sorry for them because they feel so awful afterwards. Usually you can tell the ones who are just insensitive or a downright "biotch". Those are the ones you want to twist their heads off. I know violence isn't allowed but I can dream.0 -
It has been nice posting today as we all understand each other. I have never been mistaken for a man as I wear a wig and full make up all the time. Now that is just me and how I am. I have a friend that prefers no wig or prosthesis. It is personal choice of what you are comfortable with. I have had people say how "lucky" I am to not have to spend so much time styling my hair anymore! Yeah, really lucky! The wig is a pain especially as my hair us growing back but I can't give it up and it is a very nice one! I have also had friends disappear after I was diagnosed. Good riddance to them! It just makes the friends that have stuck around seem that much more wonderful!!0 -
aaoaao
Your screen name is cool! Is there a meaning behind it?0 -
The meaning behind it is silly. In my family, when a bunch of us get together, it is so loud and crazy. So, sometimes, as a joke, I would call out aao..aao..I started using it a long time ago and since every website, blog, etc. I'm listed there as aao..it just seems easier to keep it than to change it. Plus I don't know what else to use anyway. So aao is what I'm destined to be.0 -
Very cool!! My husband picked mine for me. It explains itself ! Lol!!0 -
I find it funny now that I know your husband picked it.0 -
I'll probably go get a wig soon. I didn't want one so far because it's been so hot and I get over heated easily. Now that winter is setting in, I could probably wear one comfortably. I won't wear it everyday because I've heard they can be a hassle. But wearing it to go out to eat would be great, especially when I'm with my family.0 -
My husband is a funny guy! We are in this together. He has stage 4 colon cancer so he knows what I am going through with the whole chemo thing He is almost done his treatments and is currently NED. Thank goodness. We are both only 43!!
Wigs are nice but they are hot sometimes. I think the lace caps are the best . I have a long human hair one but I hear synthetic are good too or you can get a mixed one. I think it is good for your overall mental health to feel good about your appearance. We all can't be supermodels, I certainly am not one but I do the best with what I have been given!!0 -
I ended up not wearing mine too often as it irritated my scalp. I opted for a loose soft hat if I appeared outdoors. I guess I was fortunate because Im rural which means you can get away with a bit more. Same for going foobless. The timing wasn't that great for wig wearing for me as it was summer when my hair started coming in. Im like you aaoaao, I overheat very quickly. As you ladies are going into winter it will be easier. Im just about to go into summer here, and not looking forward to it because the neuropathy is worse.
Shoppygirl Im sorry that your hubby has colon C. Indeed you 2 will be on the same page about a lot of things and one good thing, you'll be a special support to one another.0
