The dumbest things people have said to you/about you

jab

aaoaao, good your you on being the bigger person! It is hard to do when you are hurt. The most difficult part about family is holding your ground when setting new boundries, as it is so easyto slip back to old ways so - be strong, my new friend.

On a different note, last night I finally got my drain out so thought I'd liberate my newly flattened boob by not wearing a bra with my fake boob. I left the room and my loyal companion, Teddy was tearing the stuffing out of it. I think he knew how much I hated that darn thing. Suffice to say I had to laugh.

iowagirl1

This is not about BC but this lady certainly did say the stupidest thing I had ever heard.   When my only child was born, he was missing half of one arm and part of the other hand.  I was  in my hospital bed crying when she stopped in.  She said "I know just how you feel.  When my son was born, he had a mole on his cheek and I cried for days."

Spoken by a true narcissist.  How sad that she is so shallow.

aaoaao

The posts here don't have to be about bc, any dumb comment will fit. A mole, really? I just can't believe someone could be that stupid, insensitive, I just can't find the right word because none of them suffices for the level of crazy she demonstrated. You were facing a totally drastic change in how you thought you and your child's life would be. If it's not too personal to ask, how is your beautiful child doing? Please don't feel like you need to answer if you'd rather not. I wonder how she makes her child feel since she is so superficial? Did she tell him that when you were born I cried because you were so ugly.

mebmarj

My favorite reply to awkward or inappropriate questions or comments is, "what do you mean?"

Uh, hmmm, well...

Puts the awkward back on them.

[Deleted User]

mebmarj ...

iowagirl as aaoaao says thats just unbelievably stupid! Id be tempted to use something other than words in this case.

iowagirl1

Thanks for validating my feelings about the mole comment.  BTW, aaoaao, my son is doing fine.

nativemainer

Iowagirl1--how insensitive, how shallow, and how idiotic that woman was!

Aaoaao--I wonder how that woman's child is doing, too.

"You know just how I feel?Great!Tell me how to teach my child to feed himself, dress himself, brush his teeth missing part of an arm and hand. A mole is so much more debilitating, you must be an expert by now!"

I use the"what do you mean?" line myself at times.Also "why do you supposed a polite person would ask such a question?"

shelly56

AAoaao:  I have even had so-called nurse advocate say the same thing about a car accident !  While yes, that is true that no one is guaranteed even one day on earth, but WTH did she think that would make you feel better?  My advice is to NOT contact her and let your silence be her punishment.  OR -- if you feel like it's bugging you to no end, let her have it.  You'll sleep better !  ((())))

[Deleted User]

"why do you supposed a polite person would ask such a question?"

- I'll have to tuck that one away Native.

"I wonder how she makes her child feel since she is so superficial? Did she tell him that when you were born I cried because you were so ugly."

- I had to read that a couple of times .... what a brilliant answer aaoaao.

iowagirl, I hope your son is keeping well and that you will have many many precious moments with him. Some people can be so cruel it just begs description.

aaoaao

Shelly56, I spoke to my sister when she came out to winterize the barn for the horses. She was, at least it seem to me, distant. I wanted to be the bigger person and will try to be civil with her for the sake of the family since we do get together for the holidays. However, I will never apologize to her. I know for a fact that she was being cruel and she showed her true feelings about me and what I'm going through. I know she'll never apologize because she never thinks she does anything wrong. I've apologized to her in the past but I truly can't remember ever hearing her say she's sorry about anything. I actually feel bad for her because the sign of a loving, sensitive person is the ability to recognize when you have hurt someone and own up to it. To me there are vital statements people should be able to say to others, these are:

1. Thank you.

2. You're welcome.

3. I love you.

4. I'm sorry.

5. How can I help?

6. I need help.

7. I made a mistake.

8. Please forgive me.

9. I need you.

I'm sure there are others I'm missing, but to me someone lacking in the ability to say I'm sorry shows a significant amount of immaturity. I've taught my son that saying "sorry" doesn't show weakness, it shows strength. It shows you take responsibility for your actions and the way they affect others.

[Deleted User]

Great list! I put a difference between a mistake and doing something on purpose. Ive done flat out wrong things, later regretting it AND owning up to it. Whether a mistake or on purpose I would apologize. So Id like to add, "I was wrong, Im sorry"

Here's another when someone genuinely apologizes "I forgive you". I think holding grudges (hating) is more destructive than its worth. Interesting to note that apologies still have the power to stop wars, despite in recent years in certain circles we have the propagation of the notion "don't ever apologize for anything". I had someone parrot this ridiculous and selfish idea to me when I apologized for an extremely small and unintentional inconvenience I caused her, at a gathering. I was speechless then, but I wouldn't be now.

aaoaao

You are absolutely right about the "I forgive you". That one especially needs to be added to the list. The ability to forgive is vital to being a loving person. Holding grudges is about as small minded and childish as a person can get. I'm glad you brought it up. Thanks!

barbe1958

I HATE when I say "I'm sorry" and then the other person says "That's okay" NO!!!!!!!! It isn't okay or I wouldn't be saying I'm sorry!!!!! I tell them that, too. I say "No, it's not okay or I wouldn't feel I had to apologize. Seriously." That makes them think...

BookWoman

barbe1958, That is very interesting--I am one who tends to say "That's okay". You have made me think!

bobogirl

Hello everyone, I am way behind on your thread, but I just wanted to say two things: one, I am peeing my pants laughing, and two, I am not married to Tony! Adding this thread to my faves immediately.

Will you advise me? BMX coming up 6 December. I think some of you might know my mother. Or, do we actually have the same mother? I do not want her there. Insert obvious reasons here. I have two seven year olds, and it would be nice if she babysat them, basing herself from my brother's house, but I don't know if I will be able to stop her from bothering me in the extreme. Tell me exactly what to do. Forget about the babysitting? Give her detailed instructions?

This is my third sx. For the first one... I don't even want to tell you. Insert many terrible and inappropriate things here.

Hugs to all of you! And to myself as well. Since all of us are so BRAVE to have chosen to FIGHT this terrible disease. Which we brought upon ourselves with too much exercise. Drinking a green smoothie right now, which is also probably part of the problem.

XXXXX Bobogirl

bobogirl

Ziggy -- your brother! "I have had things too, you know." I cannot believe it! Laughed out loud, then wanted to give you a big hug. {{{{Ziggy}}}}

[Deleted User]

Usually I like to err on the side of caution and give someone the benefit of the doubt, but pretty much you can tell a genuine mistake than a condescending attitude. The person I was referring to fell into the latter. Your response Barbe would've been very fitting.

I don't see any part of dealing with BC as Brave. True courage comes from a choice where you can opt for the soft option. We made no choice to get BC, and theres no real soft options with BC. Every choice I can think of is the lesser of 2 evils.

MsPharoah

Musical, so very well said. I remember when we were making the surgical decision and right after the visit with the plastic surgeon, my husband was trying to cheer me up. I told him... "There's nothing good going to happen. We have to make a decision about which crappy option is best." I was right. Then I had to decide about chemo because I was in the gray zone. Another crappy option. Brave? no way.

MsP

[Deleted User]

Ms, yup, some of our decisions are down right scary.

I rarely venture on the Stage4 threads, but something caught my eye and I was delighted to see some great responses to my pet favourite (NOT). The "you must be positive" crap. I used to get VERY angry about this, but since that is counterproductive, I just educate people now. Theres some great threads on BCO on this idiot phrase notwithstanding the fact you always get the naysayers. This hideous phrase is sooo engrained into society it's like a cancer all in its own right. (UGHH)

MsPharoah

Again Musical, well said. The only thing I am positive about is that cancer SUCKS. I also hate when you finish treatment and people tell you...."Good, now you can put this all behind you!". Just another way to say "be positive". This will never be in my rear view mirror, folks.

MsP

[Deleted User]

Exactly Ms. If words have meaning (and they do), when I grew up I always knew positive/negative to typically be 1/ increments-decrements respectively 2/ power phases and 3/ that you were 100% sure of something ............... that 100% sure was based on FACT not some airy fairy presumption that put the onus on you to change reality by the "power of your mind". It is a short step, then, to transfer the RESPONSABILITY onto you wholly to measure up. You must be 100% cured or you haven't been positive enough. UGGHHH.

iowagirl1

When someone says something really stupid, I look at them and say "why would you say (or ask that) that".  Makes them stop and think. 

SweetCaroline2

aaoaoo- I admire you for the gracious way you have been able to deal with a family member who seems to be in denial about what is happening to you and lacking in any sensitivity to the amount of hurt she has caused. Your responses can only come from a heart that is kind, gentle and loving. I think your decision to emotionally distance yourself from this toxic relationship shows great wisdom and strength. Your loving mother and son are blessed to have you in their lives- I hope that the holidays with relatives will be memorable in a good way. Gentle {{{HUGS}}}} to you!!!

I hope that I will be able to act as wisely as you to my clueless sister. While I was getting chemo, she called to ask me what my bra size was ( 36DD before my UMX and reconstruction- now I am a DD on on side and a C cup on the other) and then insisted that she had to have her breast implants replaced so that she would also be a DD cup( she was a C cup) This, even though I am plump and trying to lose weight and she is very thin, and her doctor did not want to do it because he didn't think the results would look natural. She also insisted on having a facial laser resurfacing and the breast augmentation on the same weekend so she wouldn't have to miss more than 2 days of work. So- she ended up with a surgical infection and had to have one implant removed. After a few rounds of antibiotics she was able to have the implant put back in about 6 months later. I had just finished chemo and had my UMX and reconstruction and was waiting to heal to start rads. She called to tell me how pretty her new boobs looked, but went on to tell me that she had been as sick as me or our mother(However, she was not sick enough to miss any workdays- she only had to take off work for doctor's appointments) Our mother has end-stage leukemia and all of the leukemia drugs, except one, have stopped working for her. Mom is 5'6" and her weight is down from 160lb to 100lb. My sister said that having to have her breast implant removed was as bad as having a mastectomy, because the doctor might not be able to put it back in- EVEN THOUGH she would still have her own natural breast that wasn't trying to kill her with breast cancer! I am going to our family Thanksgiving, but dread seeing her. We haven't spoken in months.

MsPharoah

SweetCaroline2, your post reminded me to feel grateful that my insensitive sisters haven't called me or checked on me. I think it really hurts less.

I hope you have good healing, body and soul. MsP

aaoaao

Thanks SweetCaroline, I've decided to accept her for who she is. My new way of life is: Forget it enough to get over it. Remember it enough so it never happens again.

I wish I could help you with your sister but unfortunately when people are lacking a sensitivity gene there really isn't much you can do to teach them to care. The best I can recommend is to avoid her as much as possible. Try to stay close to the people who love and support you. However, if she gets too rude it is perfectly acceptable to jump on her back like a screaming monkey. I've always wanted to do that if just for the surprised looks on people's faces. But honestly, don't let her ruin your Holidays because then she wins. Hang in there!

SweetCaroline2

aaoaao- ROTFLOL!!- the mental image of me jumping on my sister's back like a screaming monkey-too funny!! I have certainly wanted to! I appreciate your sage advice- Forget it enough to get over it. remember it enough so it never happens again.

MsPharoah- Thanks for your kind words. I am sad that any of the BC sisters has to cope with unkindness or insensitivity from those who have the potential to be our greatest support and comfort- our families. I also have a sister who never calls and when I talk to her, she never asks how I am doing- I guess she really doesn't want to know. I am grateful to have a third sister who I have grown much closer to since my diagnosis- and my dear husband has stepped up and been there for me in ways that I never imagined that he would.

iowagirl1

I have two sisters that have ignored me for years.  We all live about 20 miles from each other.  When I asked why they never stop when they are in town one of them said "we have never been close.". However when I had surgery and chemo they took me every time. When one of them later had surgery I offered to help her because she had helped me and she said that she did it for me because I ddn't have anyone (divorced) and she had a family. After chemo,  nothing.  I haven't seen or heard from them since I saw them at Easter. I called and invited one of them to lunch this summer and she said she was meeting the other sis for lunch.  She could have said come  and join us.  Now one heard about my upcoming MX and diep and said she would be there for my surgery, etc.  My mom is 80 and if I don't let the sister take me, my mom says she will be there.  I don't want my elderly parents to drive 100 miles and wait thru the 10-12 hr surgery.  I have some very good friends but they have used up all of there vacation time.  I would be fine by myself but don't know how to handle this. Anyone else go thru it alone?

pipers_dream

Iowagirl, besides my college dd's, the only female relative I have left is my aunt and fortunately for me she is a nurse and has offered to come and stay with me post-op. I'm extremely touched by this as we've never been all that close but she's had BC herself and will truly be the right person to be with me. My sis lives 10 min away but I've not told her anything as I don't want her near me--long story but the short version has to do with her having symptoms of every personality disorder you can name.

So, two days post dx and already the comments are getting crazy. Every single person has said to stay positive and I probably will as I'm one of the most positive people I know, lol, but this one was funny: "Well maybe you'll now get those double D's, if that's what you want." Why so funny? I'm already a double D, that's why! I like my breasts just the way they are and so appreciate how they nourished my babies for 2 years each. I'm only 54 and not ready to give them up just yet though I'm sure my opinion on that will change and they are headed south.

iowagirl1

Your are so fortunate to have a caring relative with medical skills!   Sorry about the diagnosis.  When do you start treatment?  I.do have a close friend who is a nurse who will help me at home.   Just can't figure out who will be there during surgery.  My elderly mom is so funny.  She says I am not laying at the hospital like a piece of meat with no family.  LO L.   Bless her heart. She is so cute.  Good luck to you.

aaoaao

Iowagirl, sorry about your sisters. Sometimes I wish we could pick our families. Your Mom sounds great. It's hard but sometimes we have to remember that our loved ones might need to be there. I'm always telling my son he doesn't need to come with me to my ONC appts but he says he wants to be there. Your Mom might feel the need to be there because she loves you. They actually feel better being there than at home worrying. If I were having surgery, I'd have to chain the doors to keep my son from coming. Your Mom sounds the same way.