The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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My PS takes the cake for the dumbest thing anyone has said to me in the 3 years since I was diagnosed. After he revised my left breast DIEP reconstruction twice, I was trying to talk to him about the asymmetry with my right breast. This was after a bunch of complications with my reconstruction, including a staph infection on the TE that put me in the hospital in the isolation ward for 5 days, TE removal and replacement, and ultimately a delayed reconstruction that looks nothing like my other breast, or any breast, for that matter. He said, "That's the way it was before, and that's the way it's going to be." While he was saying this, he pretended to look at the photos in my chart. Really!!? I guess HE would know better than I what my left breast had looked like. He also said, "I don't think anything I can do will make you happy [with your results]. I used to think so, but that was before I knew what kind of person you are." Seriously!!? I said "You mean a perfectionist?" He had told me at the beginning of my reconstruction that HE was a perfectionist about his work, so there wasn't too much he could say at that point, and he resorted to just saying "It looks good!" and leaving as quickly as possible. I half expected him to wave his hand at me, and use The Force voice: You think your reconstruction looks good...just put a nipple on it and adjust. "Adjust" aka "accept something unacceptable".
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Some of the most egotistical people I have met were plastic surgeons. When they fail you are blamed.
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4happygirl,
I’m speechless! I don’t even know where to start! I want to punch your PS in the throat
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Meow13: Yes, they're notoriously arrogant. This one is a good reconstructive microsurgeon and has natural good instincts as a doctor, but he's way over his head interacting with breast cancer patients. The sad thing about this is that I couldn't really get mad. I liked him and I just felt diminished being criticized for wanting to look normal with my clothes off as well as on. He created a prosthetic made of tissue that looks totally normal as long as I'm wearing a bra, which I understand is the standard for a delayed reconstruction (in my case delayed by complications, not by choice). Should I not expect to have a reconstruction that looks symmetrical in the nude because I'm over 50 and married? BTW my husband is much less concerned about the cosmetic results than I am.
HoneyBadger47: Thank-you! You guys are the only ones I've told about this. I don't dare tell my husband because I'm afraid he'll go to the guy's office to give him hell and I'll be banned from the clinic.
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I had someone say “I thought people with cancer were supposed be really skinny?”
I mean really? I am too fat to have cancer??
Another person said, “I am jealous. My life sucks. Wish I could go out with you.” Assuming I am dead already.
Ug.
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4happygirl - OMG! What an ass! Id have grabbed those photos he was pretending to look at and held them up and said, "Really these two breasts look the same to you? Would you like to borrow my glasses? I'm not asking for perfection, but it would be great if they were symmetrical and looked 1/2 way the the way they should!" Have you considered going to NOLA to see if they can fix it?
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4happygirl, are you kidding me??? What an arse
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4Happygirl, you have been thru a lot to get to this point. You deserve to have a miraculous result with your breast reconstruction. Don’t settle.
I just received my billing statement from my PS today. The amount he is paid... I have no problem holding him to his perfectionist claim. I love my PS and he has been awesome. I go back Wednesday for my 6 week follow-up. I am interested to hear what he has to say about some imperfections that I am noticing. I have seen a patient of his that completed her treatment. The results were amazing
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4happygirl--too true, many people simply do not know what to say, and don't want to learn. Or are too afraid to learn. The PS takes the cake for his attitude. SMH.
SuiteLisa--I wish people with cancer were all skinny!I could use the help losing weight! As far as the "I am jealous. My life sucks" person--talk about depression--what's this person's problem that a therapist and antidepressant can't fix?
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Logged on and searched for this topic because I had to vent somewhere.
Just got routine/restaging mammograms and sonogram. Asked to speak to the radiologist for an interpretation. His words, the primary tumor is "bigger and angrier."
Really? That's your medical opinion? Then the radiologist and mammogram technician gave me grief about not getting a mastectomy. Why do I have to make excuses for something that was NOT MY CALL??? (Stage IV de novos for BC don't routinely get surgery anymore. I was told to forget about it.)
Worried and grieved all weekend, and then talked to my oncologist who thought "angrier" meant "more spiculated." End result: I worried for nothing as the changes did not appear to warrant any changes to my tx.
Now I think about it, the same thing happened with this Imaging Center last year. They made me so worried, and then a week later, it turned out to be a false alarm. I am never consulting with those imaging techs again. I'll just leave it for my oncologist to explain it to me.
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NineTwelve--I am so sorry you have had to go through that with the imaging center staff. So uncaring and so inappropriate. It is NEVER right for a healthcare worker to judge someone's treatment choices. They don't have to agree with our choices, but they do have to respect them. And us.
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one of my facebook friends posted a "funny" thing, if I were a plastic surgeon I would 100% place a squeaky toy in breast implants. She is a registered nurse, I posted Breast cancer survivors?.
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I bet she wasn't thinking of bc survivors getting recon, but still. . . .
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I should tell her she is lucky. Because the topic of breast implants and I think of the cancer survivor trying to put her body back together. As a registered nurse for a very long time you think she would be more sensitive.
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I would have never imagined that people personally unaffected by cancer could be so crass. But boy have they surprised me! Two recent examples come to mind:
(1) I shared with my best friend that my mom has breast cancer and my best friend didn't even ask how my mom was doing; rather, she asked if I could help her (my best friend) find a better job. Yeah, because that's more important than looking after and spending time with my mom.
(2) On the day that my mom was diagnosed, my cousin (who also knew about my mom's diagnosis) called me to talk about all the people he knew who had died of breast cancer. How reassuring!? "That's precisely what I want to hear." -- No one, ever.
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I would like to shove that squeaky toy into some testicles. It seems to get reposted by men mainly
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Well I still haven't seen anything from facebook since I posted my comment. I am sure they believe breast implants were a topic to make fun of. I guess they might have been thinking of vain attention seeking types doing frivolous cosmetic surgeries.
But what a stupid thing to post if people especially registered nurses knew what devastation breast cancer causes and the pain and suffering peolle go through in cancer treatment and recovery from reconstruction.
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Okaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy, Thanks. now totally prepared to take people out if it comes across my fb feed.
Fb totally has employed censors that are brainless, if they couldn't see that that kind of comment was horrendous. Fb jails someone else for saying something that is innocuous.
Fb will fail as a company b/c of there censorship, and there stupidity. Alogrhthims hahahaha......
For those on FB we just have to figure out where to go to Gab, MEWE.
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The dumbest thing someone has said to me had nothing to do with cancer. Basically had to do with financial matters.
He said “I don’t think you can do it”
Guess that’s why today he’s an ex-husband. Silly boy
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Good for you, Egads!
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The stupidest thing someone has said to me is actually something that has been repeatedly said to me in various ways. When I explained I was having a mastectomy and then reconstruction, I found that people would minimize the reconstruction fears I had about going smaller (not my choice, PS said he cuoldn't make me as big as before) by saying things like,
"You don't want them big anyway, they just get in the way!"
I know they mean well, but it's such an individual thing and so much a part of who we are. I was empathetic before, but I find I now respect even more every woman's right to look the way she wants, breast cancer or not, flat or implants, etc.
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Agreed sweet_pea, this has definitely changed my perspective.
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Sweep Pea--I got a couple of similar comments but in reverse when I was doing recon. No one wanted to believe that I WANTED to go smaller. "I'd kill to have big breasts like yours!" was something I hear from several people. I think that no matter what we choose for ourselves, someone else will be unhappy, or not understand, or disagree. As if their opinion even matters! The only opinion that counts at all is the woman's.
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Size matters....uggg. You think people would just react to the size decision you make/have from surgery by simply saying “i hope you’re comfortable and happy with the change”... or better yet “you look great!
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I just want to look like I did before. You know blend in at the beach not draw attention to myself.
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Meow--at heart, I think that's what we all want. And it's not so much to ask for.
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I can't believe that I read all 313 pages of this thread, but it's good to know that I'm not the only person who has to deal with insensitive people and I'm finally at the point where I can laugh about it (usually). After reading all of the posts I have to apologize for the times I've recently told someone that "at least they caught it early". Two of my male friends contacted me when their wives were diagnosed with breast cancer and I did sigh with relief that they were both Stage 2. I was Stage IV de novo so I meant it sincerely that at least they'll have a fighting chance. It was never meant to diminish what they were going through, more a reflection of where my mind was and grateful that my friends didn't have to face what my husband and I were facing (at least not yet). Now that I see how many people are bothered by hearing that I'll have to be more conscious of how I react.
Two incidents that stick out in my mind -
I'm on the board of a small non-profit (treasurer) and when I was first diagnosed I got very sick, very quickly, and landed in the hospital for a while (IBC can be wicked!). I had to let the other board members know that I wouldn't be able to fulfill my duties for a while and wasn't sure if/when I would be able to again, which meant being very honest about my diagnosis because I had to make arrangements for someone else to handle all of the money stuff in my absence. About half-way through chemo I felt well enough to venture out in public for the first time since I had been diagnosed - a member meeting with roughly 50-60 people. One of the other board members came bouncing up to me and with a big smile on his face loudly asked in front of everyone "So are you cured now?" All I could do was stare at him as I tried to hold back the tears, he knew I was Stage IV and at the time my doctor wasn't sure I would live more than a few months. I finally managed to say no, I wasn't cured because it's not curable. Of course that led him to ask what I meant, and me having to explain in front of a room full of people that there is no cure for metastatic breast cancer, I was in bad shape and had already lived longer than my doctors originally expected so we were just taking things day by day, and that I'd be in treatment for the rest of my life.
The friend whose only words to me upon learning my diagnosis was "Say hello to my mother when you get there." In hindsight I guess maybe his mother died from breast cancer and it hit too close to home and he just didn't know what to say, but it really hurt that he never said anything else to me.
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LoriCA, I'm sorry those people said such dumb things to you. I know no one really means to be hurtful but of only everyone could think before they speak.
My recent dumb thing someone said to me was my family doctor telling me how lucky I am that now I don't need to wear a bra. This was after I explained to her how uncomfortable it was with the tissue expanders were ,etc. Again, I like this lady but she just didn't think before speaking.
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Nursepatient, I can forgive people who aren't familiar with cancer or are uncomfortable with death, and probably just don't know what is and is not appropriate to say. It's very hard to excuse a medical professional saying something like that to a cancer patient. Sad to say that I've read quite a few stories of it happening though.
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