The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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LoriCA--I think we all know that most people do not mean to be insensitive or demeaning when they say things, that many times people just do not know what to say. Our culture doesn't have accepted catch phrases for this situation the way we do for others:"I am so sorry for your loss" for deaths/funerals, "May you be very happy together" for weddings, "Congratulation on the new bundle of joy" for pregnancy. Add to that the fact that so much public education needs to be done about cancer in general and breast cancer in particular and it's no wonder we hear all sorts of things. I try not to react, or show my reactions to many comments at the time, try to give the speaker the benefit of the doubt. In some circumstances I will educate the other person, but mostly I try to let it roll and then come here and blow off the steam and write out the snarky responses I would have liked to have said out loud. I've found it is helpful to have a couple of stock, non-specific, polite responses to comments or questions that throw me for a loop. My favorites are "Thanks for asking but I prefer not to talk about that at work."or "Thanks for your interest. We really don't have time for that right now, let's get down to work, shall we?" To this day I am surprised with I am talking with someone and hear, yet again, "I didn't know breast cancer wasn't considered curable. I thought it was a 'good' cancer to get." Many people do not truly understand that Stage IV means incurable. If that board member knew you were Stage IV and had a limited prognosis, there is no excuse for his asking if you were cured. I've changed how I react to people's news, both cancer related and other issues since being diagnosed myself. Many, many times I say "I'm so sorry to hear that, I don't know what else to say." and try to get the other person talking while I do lots of listening. I'm glad to have this thread to come back to and let loose with the snarky responses and let them go.
Nursepatient35--you would think those of us in health care would do better with our responses, don't you? You just do not say something about someone being lucky about anything except winning the lottery right after talking about being in pain!
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I agree I think people just don’t know what to say. They are shocked and scared for you and themselves. It’s like it’s catching. If they say something positive than that means you will get better or are better.
I shared my DX with family and a few close friends. My sister and SIL both have BC too. I’m almost 7 years out - in August, my SIL is 10 years and my sister is a year behind me. We compared notes. All of us had different types.
I wish there was a cure. BC is epidemic. Every time I turn around I hear about someone else getting BC. Younger women is especially troublesome. Many have young children.
I’ve lost a friend - older lady - to BC and a church friend’s BC just metasized to her hips. She was 2 years out with an aggressive tumor. It’s heartbreaking.
Doctors still don’t know why we drew the unlucky card. There are theories but nothing definite. I hope they really do find a cure in my lifetime.
Diane
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I feel like with all the media hype and groups around BC many people have the misconception that all BC is curable and that thier limited understanding is a big part of the horrible responses. I will admit, before my diagnosis I really didn't understand how many different types, diagnosis and treatments there were so I am sure I've said insensitive things in the past.
I've been trying to do a bit of education lately if the person is open to it and we have the time. I think that may help.
Then I come here to vent.
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It's so great to have a place to vent!
This is not bad at all compared to what you guys have listened to, but I have to say I'm becoming bothered by the "and then that's it, it's all over, You're done!" that people are repeating to me over and over upon hearing that my exchange surgery is coming up (actually tomorrow).
Now, I could embarrass the pants off them by going into how I'll still need nipple reconstruction and then add that every 6 months I get a little reminder of my fragility when I go for a mammo/ultrasound or an MRI. But I usually just shrug it off, because it's usually really NICE people saying it who mean to be encouraging me. In fact, I feel guilty complaining about them when all they want is for this to be over for me. :-(
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Then, they're are the idiots
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I don't think they're idiots. They just don't know what they don't know. Breast cancer has so pink-washed us that people really believe it's all curable. That we just get some surgery, maybe lose our hair, get a great new boob job and poof! We're done! Life goes back to normal, like it was a case of hiccups.
Prior to finding out I had breast cancer, I could have put my entire vast knowledge of BC in a thimble. In fact I had been an RN for 37 years, so clearly I wasn't an idiot. But cancer wasn't my field and I really didn't have a burning desire to delve into it. I'm very sure I made some stupid comments to others who were diagnosed before me--I hope I will be forgiven for that. Hopefully, I will do better in the future, but I'm sure I will fail somewhere along the path.
My point is that my education in breast cancer came at a high price. I learned about hormone responsiveness, Oncotypes, gene mutations, chemo, and surgical interventions because it was forced on me. I would have been happy to NOT know this stuff. So, I will try to give a pass to others who are like I once was, blissfully ignorant.
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Poor dear Boyfriend of 6 years, we were talking about something today and he said to me I thought you were cured. I said something like Sweetie, BC is never cured. All the first two years of BC were several years before we got together. He got the strangest look on his face. He's completely non-medical. He went through the post crani time and the thyroid cancer time and the endless treatments and follow-ups. I think I threw him a ringer today. But he's had a very hard life. He and his dog are just so happy since they've been with me. The dog had an exceptionally hard life too. Very happy that their time here has been better for them. It's been better for me too, since I've had them in my life.
Lori, OMD(OH MY DOG), I prefer that too OMG, to read everything from the beginning, that takes fortitude. I suggest if you want some laughs read the first 100 pages of "OMG THEY FOUND A CURE FOR STUPID". It was very fun in the beginning. Then around page 42, this gal posts that we would all go to hell for making fun of BC and that we were nothing but a bunch of clacking hens. That's when the clucking started. It was better than the original Saturday Night Live shows of the 70's.
When someone said our stuff was starting to appear on facebook, there was a flurry of wings. Many of us changed our avatars and names. We didn't realize we were visible. I looked around trying to think of a new name. That's when I became my initials and my dear sweet dog Schatzi.
We were very into the funniness. I had a tin hat formed into a chicken. Poor DS came home from Tampa and I had the chicken hat on or it was on the computer. DS "Mom is there anything I should be worried about?" said in a very soft low voice.
Threads go in spurts or changes.....The clucking wore out around page 100. It continued after that, but was never the same.
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I think the unwittingly stupid comments from kind and well meaning people annoy us simply because it’s a reminder of the ‘jail sentence of thoughts’ survivors endure. The comments can bring to mind the stolen blissful ignorance mustlovepoodles mentioned, triggering annoyance and angst.
I met a friend for coffee 2 weeks after starting tamoxifen. I broke out into a sweat several times during our meeting due to the lovely hot flashes this drug so generously gives. Even after explaining to my friend why I was as wet as Niagara Falls she burst out with a very loud “why are you sweating so much?!?” I felt myself getting angry but took one look at her face and realized she wasn’t annoyed or grossed out, but was truly upset at my situation and couldn’t deal with the reality of my plight. The dumb thing she said was completely wiped clean by the sheer concern and sadness on her face. My advice, keep a close look on their faces for what you might be missing.
This, of course, doesn’t apply to the truly thoughtless and callous comments we sometimes hear. They just deserve to be slapped! Hard!
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Mustlovepoodles, I too am an RN. Yes, it's a learning experience. But in all things that happen, they're folks that are idiots. Different view. You might think me cruel for saying it, but again different view. The folks that breach confidences, the folks that say stuff in front of groups, the folks that say that we have sinned and God is punishing us, those that send us endless cures like asparagus. Those are a few off the top of my head.
Which reminds me of a site that folks might want to visit to get some laughs "The Darwin Awards" It's the accumulation of stories where the people have removed themselves from the gene population by doing something so stupid that they killed themselves or some calamity occurred. For example, the guy that was directed to clean out a gasoline tanker and leaned in with a lighter to see if it was cleaned out. The Slush Pile on that site is for folks that survived whatever thing they did.
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Egads, Had a friend here use the comment as she slapped them "Mosquito!". Of course, it was a joke. But gave us many laugh times whenever she used it.
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Sas - oh yes there are definitely those that deserve the title idiot, hence my slap hard comment...mosquito...think I’ll adopt that lol!
The Darwin Awards rock! Everyone needs to go to the site for a great laugh!
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sas-schatzi, I don't think you are cruel. People that breach confidences or blurt out stupid things are thoughtless and unkind. I'm sure we've all met at least one cruel person who believes we're being punished for some kind of past sin.
Some people *are* idiots. They just are. But I think most are simply clueless. They don't know what to say, but instead of saying nothing they just make it up on the fly and something ridiculous comes out. I wonder, do they go home and smack themselves when they realize what they said? Maybe they should.
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MUst love poodles, AGREE, PERFECTLY SAID............I didn't mean to have caps on, but when it happens, I take it as it's meant to be
. I have a HP and the keyboard sucks. The A &B buttons are missing. So they each have to be struck harder. So that may cause a stutter.. The N key is working on falling off. So, it needs a certain type of whack to reseat it. The Cap Lock button locks on. It needs to be played with to get it to turn off. Overall, if I weren't so cheap, I should get a new computer.The positive is my twin just got her first computer. My nephew picked out the identical model for her. I'm hoping to help her learn. It will make it more convenient that we are looking at the identical stuff. She hasn't got a clue about the negative aspects of this models keyboard. I won't tell her. No sense in frustrating her this early. It took a few years for mine to become a problem.
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These are ONLY SOME OF the dumbest things people have said IN WRITING to me. As you might guess, we no longer communicate. I have an amazing husband, amazing children and amazing friends but horrible mother, sister and in-laws.
From my brother-in-law "If you think that I am going to let you just waltz back into the lives of my children again, after ignoring them for the better part of this past year, you have another thing coming!" [said in an email immediately after one year of bilateral mastectomy, chemo, radiation, herceptin....our kids were the same age btw....only my kids were experiencing a bald, sick, chopped up mother and his kids apparently, felt left out?????? Ignored?????? Unsupported???????]
From my sister "OMG, I have a fu----- life too you know! We're all gonna die of something, someday." NICE! She said this while I was trying to decide between cutting off one breast or both!!! I was crying and sort of still in shock about having to have one breast removed at all!!! I wanted some help, support, opinions from my little sis!!! Mostly, I just wanted a hug and someone to tell me that I would be okay.
From my mother "Part of loving is knowing when to let go, at this time I truly feel we've reached this point." And she meant it!! She stopped speaking to me during cancer treatment because I was too "depressed, grumpy and ungrateful for the gift of life"....she felt it important to stop speaking to me, my husband or her grandchildren anymore. She also felt it important to disinherit me from any financial support. I was on salary, receiving an annual amount with my sister and uncle through the family business....they still get their money but she recommends that I "find a job" now and wishes me the best of luck surviving life after breast cancer and without an income.
Some people just suck donkey balls, and lion balls, and tiger balls and bear balls......oooooooh my!!!
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You think you’ve heard everything, then read a story like PerAmgusta just wrote. Om
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Thank you for the compassion beatmon. For a while, I felt like I did die....and had gone to hell. Twilight Zone responses from so many of my loved ones. Looking for a job, with my stupid wig, no eyebrows, eyelashes and chemo brain proved challenging. It was humiliating and entirely too much loss all at once. Sticks and stones may break my bones but this level of cruelty during cancer treatment? I am ashamed to say....their words and lack of support didn't simply hurt me....I was counseled for suicidal thoughts related to a perceived lifetime of having no value or real love. Although I hated that they put these things in writing (emails from bro and sis...handwritten note from mother) I was grateful for "evidence" during therapy sessions where my counsellors would ask questions like "are you certain that you heard him/her correctly?' Yep! Pretty certain.
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PerAngusta- I just wanted to say that I am so sorry you are dealing with this level of cruelty and non-compassion/empathy on top of dealing with bc. What is wrong with people? My brain can’t even process how others can even think that way. Wishing you peace and healing
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Good morning, Loungettes!Happy TGIF day! I got a lot done on a project yesterday, and quite a bit done around the house during the work breaks. I just finished an e-mail to both Hospice offices that I am happy to work 1 or 2 days for Augusta, and up to 3 days a week between the two, and tossing the work of coordination to the Clinical Managers of the respective offices. I wonder how the Bangor office will react to having competition for my time? Should be interesting. Never got a call from the recruiter for the Health Services Director position, so that's probably off the table. Clinical Manager #4 made a comment yesterday that cleared up a lot for me. She mentioned that she felt really uncomfortablewhen she was working per diem because she didn't consistently get a 3rd day of work each week, and some weeks didn't get any work. During that time I was getting 2 to 3 days of work pretty consistently. CM#1 was assigning per diem work by seniority, which put me on the top of list. I think CM#4 felt I was getting some favoritism. Maybe I was, I don't know, but if she thought so that explains her attitude. And I am going to truly enjoy the first time she calls and asks me to work and I can say "no" cuz I'm already booked in the other office, or don't need any more days that week! And I will still have 4 days a week that I can take Sadie swimming, go kayaking, work on decluttering and other house projects, and do other stuff.
The local news has been centering on the manhunt for a man who shot and killed a Sherriff's Deputy in Norridgewock, Maine.That's only 41 miles from my home, and a place I used to go when I was a visiting nurse for another company. The guy is still thought to be in the area. I've even heard it mentioned on CBS This Morning. Scary.
Janky--glad the posts are entertaining! Sadie keeps me entertained and I love writing about her. One of my goals for this summer is to make her Fb page more active. Have fun running errands and at the book club.
Mema--I love those fun definitions, too.
Bacteria--back door to the cafeteria
Urine--opposite of you're out
Enema--not a friend
Coma--a punctuation mark
Chi--while the dinner sounds nice, three hours of half hourly wine raffles does sound a bit much. Don't blame you for not staying for that part.
In Honor of the new Royal Baby:
Countess Bunty Rothschild's DOTD
The Countess Cocktail
Ingredients
- 2 oz vodka
- 1/2 oz grenadine
- Black cherry soda, to top
- Rosemary sprig, for garnish
Instructions
In a cocktail shaker, pour in the vodka and grenadine and top with ice. Shake well. Strain into a cocktail glass with crushed ice and top with black cherry soda. Garnish with a sprig of rosemary.
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PerAngusta, I hope that you never talk to any of those people again and that they never see your children either. Unfortunately it is sometimes healthier to distance yourself from immediate relatives and your story is an example of why we need to keep our emotional and physical health a priority.0
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geez, PerAngusta, I am so sorry for their loss. But really I am sorry for the pain they caused you and still cause you. Peregrinelady is correct, even though it's difficult sometimes we have to block toxic family out of our lives and focus on those who are more loving and supportive.
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Thank you for your kindness! And you are absolutely correct when you say that our emotional health and physical health go hand in hand AND that we can exercise some control by NOT allowing these unhealthy-for-us comments, people, media views, etcetera.....to get us down or re enter our lives. I've been working on it - HARD!! Time, practice and common sense helps. Also, I am reading a great book called "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*CK by Mark Manson and he makes me laugh....I love his perspective and share many of his same views. It's comforting.
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Per Augusta - just when I think I've heard the worst, then I hear something worse. You do seem to have a handle on it.The are incredibly toxic . Sorry, that this has happened. Analpore' s the lot of them. We will be here for you
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Woops, looks like I posted a note here intended for another thread!My Bad! Apologies for the mix up!
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Native - LOL, no *hiccup* problem. Da' drink recipeee *hiccup* worxd greaaaat!!!
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LOL!!
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Came back around to revisit this post and noticed the submission by Native!! While not exactly related to the topic, I LOVED IT!
Thanks for injecting something fun into the mix!!! This post wasn't one that made me smile......until I glanced at your words!!
Yours truly,
The Honorable Mungo Bingley
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PerAngusta - too true, humor always lends a hand!
Yours sincerely,
Duke Binky Frinton
Pip pip old chap
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😊😊😊😊😊
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PerAngusta-I regularly read and post to 3 threads, one is in the fun and games section and is a virtual Lounge where a bunch of us like to go where everybody knows our names and indulge in a drink or two. We usually post a DOTD: Drink of the Day, which is either related to the topics of discussion that day, or related to a spirit someone has mentioned, looks good, or sounds like fun. That post was (obviously) meant for that thread, and somehow I put it on this one! I hope it gave some people some giggles. Come on over to the Hot Tatties Lounge and visit!
https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/31/topics...
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My first OB/GYN appointment after my ordeal. (Lumpectomy, chemo, radiation, Arimidex for who knows how long). I'm sitting on the table in a gown and the medical assistant comes in and starts asking questions. I had just finished radiation maybe a month before. I had filled out all my medical history. While she looks at my history she asks "Have you ever had a mammogram?". I was already emotional just from filling out the questionnaire. I looked at her in disbelief. She repeated the question. I lost it. "I said, did I fill that paperwork out for fun? Because you surely didn't read it or you would know I've had breast cancer". She became embarrassed as I sat their crying and left the room. The doctor came in and she was so kind, she just let me sit their and blubber for quite awhile. I decided it was a mistake and nothing more and just let it go. A year later, the same thing happened. Only this time I told her to read the paperwork. So insensitive.
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